Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[RedDeadFred]

Granted, he ends up joking on his act in the most cringey way imaginable. Everyone is mad at you for choosing to see him for the night out.

I wish my dog didn't sound like a chimpanzee when she whines for food.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, she's now a mute, yet super-annoying chimpanzee instead of a dog...

I wish to be King of the Pirates!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, you get lynched and quartered for your crimes

I wish I had a pet slime creature

Like these little bastards [http://store.steampowered.com/app/433340/]

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, the pet would never cooperate with your demands and/or affections...

I wish I got the job!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

You have the worst boss ever, and the job becomes your own personal hell.

I wish I would never have to see another one of those awful progressive ads again!

 

[Brownie80]

Granted. They have been replaced with ad for ChristianMingle.com

I wish this month would stop being directed by George R.R. Martin.

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. It is directed by Michael Bay instead.

I wish I had my own crack team of penguin commandos.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, they will all be stolen by an old man with a crown that gives him ice powers...

I wish the Truth was out there!

 

[Wary Wolf]

Granted. It is quickly flooded with a barrage of bull-crap making it impossible to tell the difference between the Truth and other people's falsified constructs.

I wish I had a USB that had infinite storage space on it.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, if you use it, you must format it, thus losing it's infinite storage space...

I wish it was both Secret and Safe!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. You have no memory of such.

I wish I would have to do these captchas after every single post.

 

[Simone of Epica]

Granted, but they lag so horribly that you decide to leave the forum.

I wish for eternal youth.

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, you still age mentally

I wish this would play during my finest hour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EuiLN2sR8A

 

[Gethsemani_v1legacy]

Granted. It plays when you walk your daughter up the aisle.

I wish Jim Sterling would answer my fawning fan mails.

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, he threatens legal action

I wish I was a God of War

 

[Simone of Epica]

Granted. You're in the middle of a battle that lasts eternity, with no rest.

I wish Netflix streaming would keep the movies I like.

 

[reg42]

Granted, but they're all the ones you only sorta like.

I wish life had meaning.

 

[Gethsemani_v1legacy]

Granted. The meaning is to endure maximal suffering so that Death is a release.

I wish that Darkest Dungeon's difficulty wasn't so uneven.

 

[Simone of Epica]

Granted. All difficulties are now stupidly simple.

I wish Disney would buy Google.

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. Disney takes over the world makes all of us cheap theme park slaves.

I wish for tacos!