Self Harm and You

[hazabaza1]

19, male, straight. Considered it when I was younger (11-13) but after counselling for other matters I lost the urge to. Can't really understand why people would now.

Additional detail; I'm not sure why but if people have cut themselves I always seem to be the one they go to tell. I don't even have to have known them for very long, sometimes a couple weeks at most but I get told about it surprisingly often.

 

[karma9308]

Yeah. I have. I always thought I was "above that" no matter how things got, that wouldn't be something I'd do. But last year...was just really bad for me. For 6 months every day, I woke up and if I managed to get out of bed, I'd cut. Arms, chest, legs, and wrists. Some days were really fierce, others I was just doing it because.

Why? Good question. Punishing myself I guess. My mistakes got me into all the problems, and I wanted it to end but I wouldn't end it. I guess not taking care of myself was to try and force me to make the decision.

I didn't really have a reason, I just got so bad I wanted to do it...and then it just felt right. Like I deserved it.

I haven't for a year. Stopped last December. Thought about it a couple times, but I don't have the energy for it.

Sorry for bumming people out, though I guess it's what you get for clicking on this thread

Male, 20, straight, Since you asked.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

Male, 23, straight.

I remember I was in middle school when the whole cutting and emo thing took off, and tons of people were talking about self harm, and teachers would constantly tell people not to do it. I tried it once when I was depressed (not in a depression, just having a bad week) and realized it was incredibly stupid and never did it again. I still have a scar from it on my left forearm, but it's been obscured by some other scars that I've gotten since (more than a few of them from falling into a thorny bush).

People who have self harmed have mostly told me that they do it because it helps them get clarity and makes them feel more in control when they feel like the world is spinning around them. Whenever I get feelings like that though I tend to just go and work out until I'm too tired to do anything but think and therefore figure out a solution to whatever is troubling me. Then again, working out seems to be kind of my go to solution for all problems. Stressed? Go work out. Too much energy? Go work out. Feel tired? Go work out. Realize I've been eating too much junk food? Go work out. My body looks fantastic and my self esteem is pretty high. Now if you'll excuse me it's been almost 8 hours since the last time I did sit-ups, which means I need to do some sit-ups.

 

[JasonBurnout16]

Male, 20, straight.

Never cut myself before, in fact a friend went to in front of me once and it made me feel sick and I had to walk away.

However in moments of complete anger I usually end up striking a wall. I don't go full out cause I have some common sense that no matter how bad I get I do not want a trip to A&E on top of it all.

 

[Andy Shandy]

There have been a few times when I've thought about it (luckily, not at any point recently). But the fear of the pain won out. Honestly, places like here have helped. Despite having a loving family, I felt like I couldn't talk to them about the sort of things that even made me consider self-harm before. Here, if I'm feeling sad, I can chat about it easier. People know me, but they don't, if that makes any sense.

Ans since you asked, Male, straight, 21 (although it has been at least a few years since I've seriously thought about it)

 

[Ruedyn]

I have a few times, usually with a key so they can't take it away from me. I usually hide it till I can feign sanity again, so they don't haul me off to a hospital... I did it to relieve stress, and because self hate was at an all time high. I figured the scar would remind me I didn't need to kill myself, and I suppose the worst part of my brain just wanted someone to care about me... I've done it twice now, so I don't know whether or not I do it still. I hate myself for doing it, at least, for disappointing my girlfriend.

17 pansexual male.

 

[Hero of Lime]

Male, 21, Straight

It's never crossed my mind to actually really hurt myself or kill myself, even at the worst moments in my life. I actually have more of a love of being alive and a huge fear of death, at least a young death. My cat getting cancer this past year made me emotionally scared of death I had never felt before, even with so many of my older relatives having died. I realized something awful can happen to anyone and anytime, and I make sure to treasure my life as much as possible from now on.

Sorry to hear about all of this SkarKrow, if these thoughts continue, please talk to someone. Plus, I need you around to remind me of how easily your Gengar took out my Xerneas in one of our matches.

 

[sweetylnumb]

Only once. Used a razor blade and accidentally went way to deep on the second cut. And i still have the scar, right on my wrist, and its clunky and crooked and obvious as anything, even years later. Not recommended.

19, female, straight, but i'd tottaly screw females if they had dicks. Shame really.

 

[Joccaren]

Never with anything sharp.

With blunt objects I've hit myself with in attempt to drown out emotional pain with physical pain. Also attempted suffocation, induced hyperthermia, alcohol overdose and was very into heavy drinking and smoking for a while.

Male, 18, straight.

Now all's good though. Emotional pain's gone, and I've come out of it stronger than I went in. Slightly improved the health of my lifestyle afterwards as well. My girlfriend's worried my depression might re-occur, but at this point I find that unlikely. Even if it does, it won't be the same way or for the same reasons. She also worries about if it had of gone to far and I'd have seriously harmed myself, but I guess that'll depend on the person. My intent was rarely to actually harm myself or kill myself, more to distract from my emotional issues so that I wasn't drowned in them, and I could start to deal with them.
Probably shouldn't tell her that I still don't really care about death, as that'll just make her worried, but its true. At times the only thing keeping me in this world has been the fact that I'd get caught before I could complete the act. Simple curiosity of what lies after death leads me to not really fear it, and I don't have a lot that I'd regret leaving behind in this world. My family and friends would be sad, but they'd get over it. I'm sure they'd remember, but 10 years from now I'd be surprised if it had a major impact on their lives. Well, family might, but to some extent I don't really care there. Otherwise, its either an easy way to not having to worry about anything, or it leads to an interesting development that I'd be very curious about finding out more about. Not about to let myself go like that though. So long as I can deal with life I'm not going to go making people upset, even temporarily, for no reason.

 

[Dango]

18, Male, Straight

I guess, not cutting or anything like that, but hitting things till my knuckles are in a kinda sad state, and other various things, nothing too major. Other than that suicide crosses my mind a decent amount, the last few years have been difficult for me, and I guess the only thing that really prevents me doing anything is a good (as I can have) attitude towards a lot of things.

That said, I've been around lots and lots of people that've cut and attempted suicide due to a huge variety of problems, fortunately (as far as I know) they're all still healthy and living.

 

[Matthewmagic]

Well since we are sharing, I attempted suicide around 16. Oddly I think this post will be among the few where sexual orientation comes makes sense. I had recently come out, and well, I lived in a republican suburb in ohio. Some of my best friends stopped talking to me. That combined with watching everyone else go through their first romances, losing their virginities ect. It was actually really hard for me to see I would ever have it for myself, so the depression led me to slit my wrists. I recovered naturally, I guess I did it becuase I was too stupid to understand my life would change after highschool. Now I'm married and have made peace with all but one of my friends. We were all immature back then, if I could attempt suicide I could forgive them for their unworldly beliefs.

24, Male, Gay

 

[Vryyk]

22, male, straight.

Okay, I'll chime in I guess.

I stopped for a year and a half at one point before I relapsed and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life, other then that brief period though I've been cutting since I was 12 and self harming in different forms since I was 7.

I'm kind of a patchwork of scars at this point, and as for why I do it mainly either some form of punishment for perceived wrongs I commit, partially to stop suicidal thoughts that crop up when I stop for more than a week and partially I'm addicted to the endorphins from the pain. Hope any of that helps.

 

[Blinktv]

I remember when I wash 10'ish I spent day throwing myself against walls hoping that it would make me more pain resistant, but other than that no.

Male,16,Bi-curious.

 

[SuperSuperSuperGuy]

I depends on what you mean by "self-harm". I bite my nails and tear at the skin around them with my teeth and nail clippers because I hate having hard skin on my hands. I also scratch and pick at my skin because I despise having blemishes. When I was a kid, I used to hit my head on things when I got upset. But beyond that, no, I have not committed self-harm.

The nail biting and skin picking are more compulsions than anything else. Yes, they do cause bleeding on occasion, but it's never serious. However, the skin picking can lead me into a loop on occasion; I find a blemish, then I scratch it off, causing a scab, then I compulsively scratch that off, stopping if from healing as quickly, and it just keeps happening until scabs stop forming. Before you just tell me to stop, it's not that simple; I feel compelled to do it, and not doing it causes me anxiety, and the impulse just builds on itself until it becomes unbearable. As for the head bashing, I stopped years ago.

I am an 18-year-old straight male.

 

[Vryyk]

I'll keep this short, SFW, and clean.

I have self harmed, usually in the form of cutting myself in various places that are easily concealed (legs, chest, sides, hips, thighs, things like that). The reason is usually for the brief, searing moment of clarity and calm it fels to feel the sting, burn, cut and drip of the wound over the roaring background of anxiety, self doubt and absolute, all consuming despair that comes with a heavy depressive episode.

Have you?

Why?

To what ends?

Do you currently? (Didn't for about a year, did 4 days ago, and about 30 minutes ago)

Edit: As a side note, what is your gender, sexual orientation, and your age, as it will be interesting to see the trend across ages and genders for this, as it seems to be stereotyped towards teenage girls.

I'm 22, male, bisexual

Do not answer this if you feel uncomfortable doing so

(addendum to my post)
Out of curiosity is hearing these kinds of stories cathartic or helpful to you? I've always found this sort of thing just makes me cut more, but some of my friends like to hear about it to make them want to do it less.

 

[Spiridion]

I started playing with the idea when I was around 15 or 16. I never did any serious damage as I was using primarily needles, paperclips, and ballpoint pens on my hands and passing them off as cat scratches/accidental injuries. I only went for my wrists once with a razor, and that didn't even leave a scar (although I do have a few on my hands, none too visible besides the one left by the pen). Luckily a friend managed to slap the idea of this as a solution out of my head, so it never turned into anything too dangerous. There was one night in particular when I really wanted to cut more seriously and actively decided not to, and since then it hasn't occurred to me as a viable idea. I'm not sure why it was suddenly inconceivable to me, but when I did it was primarily due to a need to focus on something other than my emotions which I didn't know how to express due to social isolation. I think that I was lucky in that I started working on my social/emotional issues (albeit accidentally) around the same time I started considering self harm so I was able to find other outlets before things got serious.

Having said that, I do still deal with what is probably depression (I've only talked to school counselors about it and they can't give an official diagnosis) and had thoughts of suicide for a few months earlier this year. Not too serious, relatively, as I've never considered methods or made plans... just wanted to not be alive much and fantasized about screwing up my life enough that maybe I would want to end it.

So yeah... normally I avoid talking about any of this much because It feels foolish/attention-seeking when I say it "out loud." But this is pretty heavy and in threads like this I feel like seeing that other people have similar experiences can help with the isolation that usually comes with them.

20, female-ish, lesbian.

 

[II2]

Male, 31, straight

Curiosity? Dubious art? Sexual gratification? Body mod?

I ask, but in truth I don't bother trying to to deconstruct the reasoning behind why I do or will do weird things, much, anymore. I want to be specific in my use of language, because while I've burned, inked, pierced, bruised or cut into my own flesh at different times for all of the above rationalization, it has always been a deliberated action, rather than an act of impulse - even when the compulsion comes from bizarre, ritualistic places... Basically, I've never hurt myself for any reasons that could be called 'suicidal', 'compulsive' or the often cited 'cry for help.

The discussion gets more convoluted if you consider recreational drug use or deliberate substance abuse to be a form of 'self harm' or 'self medication', since I've been rotating through the morphing availability of psychotropic compounds humans synthesize or cultivate for the better part of two decades pretty consistently. Stranger still are the direct intersections of deliberately hurting yourself under the influence of mind altering chemicals.

When speaking about this stuff, people will assume you're sick, immoral, irresponsible, unstable or a danger to yourself and others. That's not inherently true at all. I'm a high functioning person who's quite happy in day to day life. I'm also experienced enough not to look to outside opinions for the validity of who I am. Not everyone can get off being normal, and, frankly, most people's behavior starts to look 'insane' the closer magnify your observation on it.

In the end, I'd be a hypocrite to decry it, but acting in ignorance of individuals' unique circumstances to endorse it.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Nope, can't say I have.

Music is my outlet, so that was my go-to thing when life got shitty. I wince when I even think about a sharp object doing into me, so inflicting that upon myself was just not gonna happen. I kinda understand where people are coming from what they say they self-harm since it's just some sort of release for them, but I would never do it.

To be fair, I've only thought about suicide once, and I was 13 when that happened. Existential crisis and all that "fun" stuff, and that was a fairly long and dark time for me. And since we're sharing.

27, female, straight.

 

[JagermanXcell]

Nope, when I'm going through rough times or back when I had some hardcore depression in my Jr high school years, I either played video games or punched inanimate objects. I've heard of people that have committed to self harm before and one of my best friends recently told me how she was once very close to suicide (her life was saved by the movie Tangled believe it or not). The thought of pain and even death just didn't sit well with me. Venting anger through games and objects I got some pretty positive kicks out of though, all those kicks turned into the enjoyment for life I have now.
That and I had family to provide the emotional support obviously, but what really kept me from feeling down were my friends and their outlook on happiness that I strive to have in my life.

Male, 18 1/2, straight.

Listen SkarCrow, if there's anyone you need to talk to go ahead and open up to me, the fellow Escapists above who are also willing to listen, ANYBODY! We may not be experts on the subject but we definitely can be pros at being pals, hearing people out when they're down.

 

[ATRAYA]

20/male/asexual.

I went through severe depression at one point that almost ended in suicide (though I was stopped and incarcerated just in the nick of time by nothing short of a miracle). I got better over the course of about a year, and the next year I cut my forearms just for the pain, leaving scars. I don't think the events were related, as I was actually fairly happy at the time of the cutting, but I just figured I'd mention it. For science!

I think it's different for me though. I'm not "emo" or anything, and most people consider me a pretty happy guy, I just liked the pain. I also go to the gym and love the pain of lactic acid in my muscles (which means no static stretching for me, just straight to the weights!). People stepping on my toes, or punching rocks with my fists also feels REALLY good, and I can't really explain why. Well, unless "masochism" is its own explanation. :/

The only reason I stopped cutting was because the knife I was using was a souvenir from a foreign country and I was afraid of catching something I might've needed a shot for. Then I realized that even the other knives in my home could give me an infection at any time, so I resisted. I still get the call of the knife though... Sometimes I think about soaking a blade in alcohol and just having at 'er. But it's not out of depression, anxiety, frustration, or anything, I just like the searing pain.

The more I type this, the more crazy it sounds... Maybe I should stop.