So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[marlushia]

0: Decide what you want from the relationship.
1: Get friends.
2: Get single female friends.
3: Spend time with said friends, preferably doing an activity you all like.
4: Identify a female (or whatever) that has the same interests as you, and preferably that can make you laugh, and vice versa. Laughter is the key to any good relationship (imo).
5: Talk with said female on as many occasions as you can about stuff you are interested in, and stuff SHE is interested in.
6: If you dont have common interests, go back to #2 and start over.
7: If you do have common interests, ask her to spend more time with you. Maybe even just you and her. Doing some of this stuff.
8: Be honest with her about what you want from your relationship, more or less. This at least has worked for me. If you want a long lasting relationship, tell her. Be patient, but honest.
9: Ask her if she finds you interesting in that way, if yes: Go for it. If no; disband and return to #2.

^ That. Seems like good advice to me. But Step 1 is problematic, even for me. I'd recommend what a few others have said by thinking of something you enjoy (not necessarily the best at) and join a club for it. You like fitness right? Maybe join a fitness club or join something like that. Conversations should then come out naturally without the need for awkward ice breakers. And, assuming they stick with the club, you'll get many chances to initiate interaction with them without fear of "needing to take charge and do it now."

 

[BlackWidower]

Join the club man. I'm well on my way to being in that Steve Corell movie.

I'm probably the worst person to ask advice from, but I have a theory as to why I'm still single, and I think it's worth comparing notes.

I don't get out enough, and the times I do get out, I'm too scared to approach a woman for fear of having her chew me out for bothering her, or get my ass beat by her boyfriend who I didn't know existed.

I'm too clueless to notice when I'm being hit on. Once a waitress was hitting on me, but it wasn't until I left the restaurant that I realized what happened.

In the past I've asked girls out but it never lasted more than one or two dates. Here's a tip, never go see a movie. Terrible choice, you're looking at the screen the whole time, not your date. Perhaps if it's a prelude to dinner you might have a better shot.

But not that fixing any of this would help. Even if I had a date, I wouldn't be able to afford it because I'm poor.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

Love is the most fullfilling things in the world

Spoken like someone who's never had a good meal and has read far too many hallmark cards. Either that or your other half has dragged you off to every Sandra Bullock, Horseface and that-blonde-chick-from-the-horny-angsty-hospital-show movie made in the last 5 years.

Love's as fulfilling as an enema. It's a chemical reaction that has some odd effects on your mind and body, and if you can keep hold of that for longer than a few years you're either doing very well, or you're incredibly unhealthy in the mind.

If you can find someone whom you're compatible enough with to spend the rest of your life with, without the constant desire to kill them or feeling like something is going to explode inside your head, good for you. You won't be in love with them after a few years, the best you'll feel is contentment. Not such a bad thing in itself, but you can be content in life by yourself quite easily.

Off-topic slightly: Before anyone starts flinging the "B" word at me, no, I'm not bitter, nastiness of my divorce aside. I'm open to the possibility of falling in love again (while it lasts) and having a relationship that I find fulfilling, but I'm perfectly content to live by myself for the rest of my life. I enjoy my own company and don't have need of someone else to "complete me". I'm not so naive, however, as to believe the nonsense about love being "eternal" and "the best thing in the world" and all that rot.

"You won't be in love with them after a few years"

Thats just not something you can tell people. Might be true a lot, might be true for you, doesnt mean you can just dictate a persons feelings to them.

Hell i love meals as well, but the kinda person i am is someone who enjoys companionship. Also nice way to tell me what i will and wont feel. Its awesome your personal views can dictate to others what they do and dont feel. Remember kids just because you cant doesnt mean others cant. To try and say "i cant therefor the world cant" is pure fallacy. I dont think all love is eternal. But hell love is pretty damn great, if youre doing it right its freaking amazing, im not all for that cliche romance shizzle but id rather have a lovers embrace than a warm meal any day. Far more satisfying. Anyway i cant jugde you for liking what i dont like.

This conversation is actually a good example OP. Some people love companionship, some people dont, its worth exploring if youre that kinda person and if youre not be happy with yourself. If you are try and share it with others. Its the kinda thing that doesnt really matter either way. Im a companionship kinda person, this guy isnt, and hell he seems happy enough. Dont knock it till you tried it, love can be amazing, and dont get put off.

It IS ok to decide you are a happier person by yourself

It is kinda silly to make this assumption either without trying or dating people who are purposefully terrible for you.

Explore your own happyness, and do what feels best. Best advice i can give.

 

[Random berk]

As someone who's been through the (rusty spiked) wringer that is divorce, let me say you're better off without relationships. I can't think of anyone I know who's been in a relationship for more than 2 years and doesn't fantasise about running off daily.

If you really want physical contact that badly, go to a brothel. Not sure what part of NZ you're from, but there are a quite a few good ones on the north island.

Your post saddens me sir, both for your divorce, and for your defeatist attitude. If you want to assume that your failed relationship means that all relationships will automatically result in pain for every party involved, every time, do that if you must, but do you really have to broadcast that fallacy to those less experienced than you?

OT: OP, here's a fun fact for you. An experiment done on the subject once found that if a random man asks random women in the street for a date, he has about a 50-50 chance of success. For every girl who will turn you down, there is another one who will o with it. Just try talking to girls, make a decent first impression, then ask them out. If they turn you down, don't worry about it. Either politely walk away, or continue the conversation on amicable terms and don't try to oush your luck. Try this three or four times, and unless you are doing something to actively repulse them then you are almost mathematically guaranteed to enjoy some success.

Oh, and if you can't bring yourself to actively try and ask a girl out, just be passive about it. Go out a lot with friends, make sure its a group that don't tend to avoid women. When there are girls in the group, just be as polite and chivalrous as you can. Be funny and intense, but not loud and obnoxious. Try to find the balance there. It works for me. I was out with friends a couple of months back, and the girl I was talking to started shivering (it was a cold night and she was in adress). I gave her my jacket, out of genuine concern, and that was enough to get her intersted, even though that was not my intention in the first place.

EDIT: Ican't seem to find the details of the experiment I referenced. It was in a book that I once borrowed from a friend, so I can't get it from the original source. If any Escapists happen to know of this experiment, then please post it for the OP.

 

[goodman528]

While we are on this subject:

http://youtu.be/qULwq_CQeIk

Extract from the video:
Chris to complete stranger: "Would you have sex with me"
Stranger: "No, you have to buy me drinks nd dinner, and presents, like everyone else."

Basically as long as the girl doesn't have a reason to dislike you, you are half way there. Then it's just matter of trial of error, try enough and you will get one. It's exactly the same as finding a job or summer intern.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Confidence helps, but I think by and large you have to STOP LOOKING SO HARD. Stop worrying about it. Learn to like yourself, otherwise who else is going to like you? You're in school. Worry about that first. If some nice pretty thing (note that they don't have to be young/your age per se.) happens along, go ahead and say hi. It IS possible to be friends with girls. Hell, it's not even that difficult. They're not all dating material, nor should they be. Having female friends gives you a chance to learn to talk to them. To feel comfortable around them. To learn to stop seeing them as some alien species that you have to approach like it's one of those wilderness shows where the host hides in a thicket and whispers to the camera about these AMAZING foreign creatures.

Bottom line is....it's easier than you think. You're just not comfortable with yourself just yet and you're making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

this. THIS THIS THIS.

For a long time I was desperately seeking a girlfriend. I felt like I NEEDED it. And I was never able to find anyone. I feared being "foreveralone.jpg" if you know the feeling.

Fast forward to about a year ago. I had gotten over my crippling fear of being alone and finally started to like myself for just being me. I decided to stop hunting like a starving wolf, and just enjoy my life, while saying "I'll keep my eyes open, but I'm not gonna stress myself over finding a girl". I made friends with some girls, got over the last of my shyness, and just chatted with people.

And then, I made a very good lady friend, and we eventually fell for each other. And 10 months later, we're still doing great. Oh, and we haven't had sex. Because personally, I don't care about sex all that much, so why the hell would I push for it and risk putting the relationship on edge because of that? I'm content with the innocent "best friends who have romantic moments" setup we have now. Oh, and I'm 23, for those curious.

TLDR: learn to like yourself, and don't stress yourself out over finding a girl. If you love who you are, and make a small effort to talk with people and expand your circle of friends, you'll eventually find someone (or they will find you). And DO NOT get stressed about being a virgin. It's a stupid thing to be concerned about. Nothing changes.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Confidence helps, but I think by and large you have to STOP LOOKING SO HARD. Stop worrying about it. Learn to like yourself, otherwise who else is going to like you? You're in school. Worry about that first. If some nice pretty thing (note that they don't have to be young/your age per se.) happens along, go ahead and say hi. It IS possible to be friends with girls. Hell, it's not even that difficult. They're not all dating material, nor should they be. Having female friends gives you a chance to learn to talk to them. To feel comfortable around them. To learn to stop seeing them as some alien species that you have to approach like it's one of those wilderness shows where the host hides in a thicket and whispers to the camera about these AMAZING foreign creatures.

Bottom line is....it's easier than you think. You're just not comfortable with yourself just yet and you're making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

False. I get the impression that this guy isn't looking at all. He's not meeting people. He's not talking. If anything, he should be looking more. Hell, maybe not looking, but talking. Just talk. Talk about bullshit. Talk like you don't care if you sound boring or dumb or needy or whatever impression that may be considered undesirable. He should be trying because if you don't try, NOTHING will happen. No girl is going to come to you for no reason. Ever. And the ones that would might not be the ones you want. So talk. For the love of God, talk. Make yourself groan at how lame and nerdy you sound. Talk until that tremble in your voice goes away. Talk like a late night talk show host doing an interview with a hot female celebrity you know you have no chance with, so you just do whatever entertains you. Make Paris Hilton cry. Bring a girl out from behind her facade and let her make you laugh. But first and foremost, talk to people.

 

[Guardian of Nekops]

In more ways than we'd like to believe, our relationships are determined by the other person. You two might be the "other person" but guys like me and the OP are not the other person. Someone could enter into our lives and make it a million million times better, but we can't make them want to, no matter what we do. It doesn't matter how much we want it, how we act, what we say, or how we feel. It's up to them. You can't make someone like you.

No! Bad fanboy!

Girlfriends are not fairy god mothers, no matter how much you wish they were. They don't work miracles, and they don't fix your problems. In the same way that Bill Gates will not, tomorrow, buy you a jetpack and your own army of robot ninjas, no girl will ever come into your life and fix you. I understand the longing, I really do... I weep to write this, but I know it's true.

What they do, if they're good ones, is provide you with some pleasant company, point out the wonderful things in you, and allow you to shine. They comfort, and they amuse, and they support. What they CAN do, but SHOULDN'T, is give you a reason for living. That's a trap. If you start thinking about them like that, then when they leave (and sadly, most do. The VAST majority of relationships do not endure, and people tend to go through several before finding happiness) they take that reason to live with them. Leaving you a broken, shattered husk for however long it takes to recover. And the more you base your life around them and them alone, the harder it will be to get back, because all your life reminds you of them and the emptiness that is now that they are gone. It BURNS. Trust me, I know... I take a while to fall in love, and haven't done so but a handful of times, but when I fall I fall HARD. Harder than I should. Depression medication and flunking out of school hard, at times.

So, my point isn't that girls will be falling all over you if you make yourself a whole, complete person with interesting stuff you're doing on your own. That does tend to happen, but my point is more important than that... when you become that guy (and trust me, you can), you don't NEED a girlfriend. You'll finally be happy (well, more so than otherwise) and the other then becomes more a welcome addition to your life than the definition, the soul of it. No matter how close you get to her, there will still be that spark of you, those friends that you go bowling with, your incredible talent at drawing green-clad lads with swords, your fiercly defended moral compass.

And if all turns sour, it is that spark that will save your life. It is that light of your own wholeness that will, eventually, lead you out of despair and back into the bright gray of mere loneliness.

Girls aren't the answer. Neither are boys. They're human, just like you, and if you start treating them like the solution they will rapidly become the next problem.

Oh, and no. You can't make someone like you. You can ask if they do, though, and if that fails? You can write them off, because if they're not willing to give you a shot then there's someone else, someone better. Just be sure you're who you need to be before she gets there.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

There's an old song by an obscure indie band that I assure you that you won't be able to find online. However, it had a great line in it that's my new personal motto. "Don't let another day go by without wasting somebody's time / Don't let another day go by / Without blowing somebody's mind."

 

[Thaius]

Dude, I know it can be tough, but there's nothing wrong with that. Our culture puts far too much importance on sexual contact and relationships. There's nothing wrong with not having been in a relationship or touched a girl yet.

But you know, frankly, I don't know how your disposition is on a regular basis, but that gloomy outlook you described isn't going to have the ladies flocking to you. The best way to start a relationship is to just get to know people. As time goes on, perhaps you'll meet a girl you're interested in, get to know her, and perhaps she'll be interested as well.

The thing to remember is that it takes time, and you're not somehow "sub-human" up until the point you kiss a girl. Wait until there's a meaningful relationship, and don't rush things. You're fine.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

What they do, if they're good ones, is provide you with some pleasant company, point out the wonderful things in you, and allow you to shine. They comfort, and they amuse, and they support.

This is what I meant by a million times better. If you spend your life with no friends you can talk to (which I'm projecting I know, but possibly like the OP), having someone to talk to, even on a non romantic level, makes your life a million times better than it was. I wouldn't even say that much because a million times zero is still zero. It's more than that. It's the difference between having a life and not.

I have an internet girlfriend that I love very much. We are both very damaged and lonely individuals and we may never meet in person. We still don't feel great about our lives, but because both of us have someone to regularly talk to, our current level of depression is MILES above where our previous level used to be. We want to go on living and see every day, just in the hopes of getting to see each other again. She's not the solution to my problems, nor I to hers, but conversation is the world's greatest antidepressant. It's what makes us human. I'm betting the sex isn't what our OP is missing. It's friendship. Sex is secondary to that, yes, but it's a sign that his life may very well be deficient in the socializing department.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I'll back up what a lot of people have been saying and that is "don't try". Believe it or not your natural flow will attract someone. If there is something women seem innately aware of it is desperation.

I have never had so much action since the time I stopped chasing tail. Mind you I'm married so those times were long, long ago.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

Double post. Damn this new interface and it's slow loading times.

 

[winter2]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Out of curiosity, have you tried online dating services? You might be more comfortable starting out that way.

And off topic... not a big fan of this new layout..

 

[Voodoomancer]

When you want something, you often only notice those that haven't and subconsciously don't count those who don't. Meaning there's plenty of people in your situation. You're not alone.

 

[mb16]

im am such an introvert it hurts. so yeah i think you can see where im going with this

 

[TPiddy]

All I have to say is... join a co-ed sports league... exercise and fun will build confidence and help you be social... greatest thing I ever did for my social life...

 

[Faladorian]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

My situation is exactly the same, except I did go out with the girl...

And there was minimal physical contact, enough to get a person excited (kissing, nothing more) then stop. Was actually a physically painful relationship, and I now have cysts because of it. I'm just as bitter if not more bitter than you are. I do so enjoy the failing love lives of others. However, I'm not jealous of people in relationships at all, I just get angry because I personally believe anybody who is truly happy is ignorant and foolish by nature.

I raise you one cynicism.

 

[Jumendez-sama]

You seek a relationship it seems not to actually make a sustaining relationship, but rather because you feel it is something you are almost required to do in your youth, and not fulfilling such challenge is making you depressed.

You should pursue what you want, not what you feel society expects of you.

And I guess there is also the component of hormones, but seeking a relationship simply for sexual gain is hollow. You will only gain something for the moment, but I'm not sure if that will make you feel any better.

 

[Twilight_guy]

Be cool. I'm a big fan of letting things come naturally. Someday you'll find someone who is just as much as a spaz (not meant offensively) as you.