So my roommate changed rooms because I'm bisexual.

[generals3]

To be honest i don't really see the problem. I can totally understand why he may feel a bit uncomfortable. Firstly he may not know how to act with a bisexual, i mean there might be some verbal taboos like homophobic jokes and he might feel "verbally restricted". Or he might also be worried that maybe some day you would try to hit on him (sure more unlikely than anything else, but you never know ey) which might create a potentially very uncomfortable situation. So there are loads of things that might make a straight guy "fear" (strong word but that's what it comes to) to live in the same room as a gay or bi person.

 

[Zen Toombs]

OP here, and once again, remember that I said that he handled the situation decently, and that I understand that he is uncomfortable (I REALLY don't like it for reasons stated and unstated, but I understand it). If someone is truly as uncomfortable in a situation as Potential Roomie[sup]TM[/sup] said he was, it's their prerogative if they want to get out.

Now that being said:

As a women, I would obviously refuse to share a room with a straight man. I wouldn't be expecting him to fancy me, but first of all, it's a possibility (and vice versa of course), and secondly, I would feel very uncomfortable sharing such close quarters with someone who was sexually interested in my gender.

So who am I supposed to room with? And does it matter that I mostly just like girls?

-snip- Firstly he may not know how to act with a bisexual, i mean there might be some verbal taboos like homophobic jokes and he might feel "verbally restricted". -snip-

With a bisexual, you act like s/he's just a person, because that's all we are. People. *Hippy music starts playing*

As for jokes, ones that involve homosexuality? That's fine. Jokes that are in poor taste? Can be alright okay, but go in the "dead baby comedy [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeadBabyComedy]" bin. Jokes that are homophobic? Never okay.

Exactly the same as racist or sexist or XYZBBQist jokes. Those jokes are never okay. Jokes in poor taste can be alright, and jokes that just involve race or sex or barbecue are always fine.

 

[PhantomEcho]

OP here, and once again, remember that I said that he handled the situation decently, and that I understand that he is uncomfortable (I REALLY don't like it for reasons stated and unstated, but I understand it). If someone is truly as uncomfortable in a situation as Potential Roomie[sup]TM[/sup] said he was, it's their prerogative if they want to get out.

Now that being said:

As a women, I would obviously refuse to share a room with a straight man. I wouldn't be expecting him to fancy me, but first of all, it's a possibility (and vice versa of course), and secondly, I would feel very uncomfortable sharing such close quarters with someone who was sexually interested in my gender.

So who am I supposed to room with? And does it matter that I mostly just like girls?

-snip- Firstly he may not know how to act with a bisexual, i mean there might be some verbal taboos like homophobic jokes and he might feel "verbally restricted". -snip-

With a bisexual, you act like s/he's just a person, because that's all we are. People. *Hippy music starts playing*

As for jokes, ones that involve homosexuality? That's fine. Jokes that are in poor taste? Can be alright okay, but go in the "dead baby comedy [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeadBabyComedy]" bin. Jokes that are homophobic? Never okay.

Exactly the same as racist or sexist or XYZBBQist jokes. Those jokes are never okay. Jokes in poor taste can be alright, and jokes that just involve race or sex or barbecue are always fine.

To you. Remember. These are fine -to you-.

But every person is a different case. And every person cannot be accommodated for. You just never know who is going to get worked up and/or bent out of shape over a joke, or a sleazy laugh, or anything else.

And it's not really even limited to sexuality/gender/race! It's -everyone-.

Which is why we're programmed with a defense mechanism that says: Stick to people whom you know share common interests and themes.

It's not about discrimination based on race, or gender, or any other goddamn thing.

It's to help keep people from getting into arguments and fights about things which are really just cultural misunderstandings.


It would be nice if we could all just act like people.

But even when we ARE just people... even people of similar tastes... there's fighting and arguing and offense and insults.

It's not a new concept.

The new concept is that, instead of promoting this behavior, we're trying to entice people to grow. And then there's another group of people who don't ENTICE, they DEMAND people grow, or else they'll slander your name and harass you and blacklist you and blah, blah... no.

Just no.

The solution has to be elegant, and subtle... or it won't work. And I hope you understand where I'm coming from when I say that. I hope you understand that the end goal is still the same. That we all work towards just being people, like you say.

But people need to work at being a little LESS like... well... people.

Because people are bastards. And it's very easy for one bastard to ruin all forward momentum, no matter which side of the line they claim to be on.

 

[JoesshittyOs]

I have never understood this. Homophobia is the irrational fear and/or hatred of homosexuals. Nothing in the guy's email suggested that he was a homophobe. In fact, he was very polite about it. At most, the email indicates that he was uncomfortable with the situation. But there are any number of reasons that would account for his discomfort, none of which involve a fear or hatred of homosexuals.

What about his response makes him a homophobe?

Well, he did say "I have never been confronted with a situation like this before" leading us to believe that he's trying to avoid confrontation with homosexuals.

You don't have to "hate" the gay community in order to be a homophobe. It's the same concept with racism. You don't have to hate black people in order to be called a racist.

It's a small discomfort around something you're unfamiliar with, so it's technically a phobia of something he doesn't understand. It's not exactly appropriate behavior, but the person in question handled it very rationally, so I don't think it's right to berate him for that.

Or at least that's how I understand it. I do understand my definition applies to a lot more people than your's does though.

 

[jakeblues69]

I'd hardly call it homophobic. More like intelligently avoiding awkward situations. I wouldn't want to live with someone who had a completely different life style than my own in a dorm. I'd say the same thing to gay people, bi people, overly religious people, etc.

I want a gay male roommate as long as he'll wingman for me.

Gay dudes do make for remarkable wingmen. My buddy constantly sends chicks my way, and I thank his extreme gayness for that.

Agreed. Gay dudes make the best wingmen ever.

 

[spartan231490]

I see no reason for you to complain. He was uncomfortable, he backed out, that's his right, and it doesn't effect you. Would you be upset if he had backed out because he just didn't like you? If yes, you need to stop looking for people's approval, and if not, then you shouldn't be complaining about this. The effect on you is exactly the same.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

Eh, I wouldn't let it get to you. I'd be a bit uncomfortable too.


And I'd like to point out, one of my oldest friends is gay. I've got absolutely nothing against him. I've got no secret fears that he's harboring attraction for me. He's a great dude, always reliable, and quick to lend a helping hand whenever you need him. We frequently hang out at events my more 'macho' friends don't quite get: theater, band, opera.

I don't know many straight guys who would willingly sit through a musical either. So it's good to have a friend who'll make me feel less out of place.

But you couldn't -pay- me to live in a 'suite' full of people who have such fundamentally different lifestyles from my own. It would be as bad as if I tried to drag one of my buddies from the shop to go see 'Phantom of the Opera'. Everyone would just feel awkward and nervous and out of place.

Every day. Until such time as I moved.

It's one thing to be friends, to hang out, or to socialize with people. It's another to live with them. Now, I'm assuming this guy didn't know you. So I'm operating under the assumption that I have to -assume- what the gay neighbors and bi-sexual roommate would be like.

My 'assumption' would instinctively be that there are quite a number of differences, up to and including sexual preference. And that would make me nervous. Not only on the level of 'what am I going to walk in on when I get home?', but also on the level of 'do I really want to have to be careful how I speak every day to avoid offending someone?'

It's rough. It's hard to always be socially mindful. That's why we instinctively group into groups of like-minded folks. It's more comfortable to deal with people who behave and react in ways which you can understand and predict.


But look.

My guess is, it would just have been terribly awkward and uncomfortable for the guy. He was probably being very honest when he said he didn't have a problem with you on any kind of a personal level... and that he didn't feel comfortable trying to live with someone who is bi-sexual, and having gay neighbors, and never really knowing how to act and behave.

And that's nothing to be offended about. It's a symptom of unfamiliarity and uncertainty.

So I come back to my point.

If it's bothering you, I wouldn't let it. And if it's not bothering you, then all the more power to you. Because it's awkward all the way around, when two people don't really know how to interact with each other.

yeah that is pretty much everything I was thinking when I read OP

 

[icaritos]

Let us all ignore the fact that this is a dorm where most of the occupants seem to be gay/bisexual people, which corresponds to roughly 5% of the world population. No, I'm sure they all ended up there purely by coincidence (the stars aligned or some other bullshit) instead of making the personal choice of sharing living space with those with common lifestyles.

Now let's criticize that guy for making the VERY SAME DECISION, and say it was discrimination.

 

[Olrod]

Meh. The guy was probably just an idiot.

I wonder what his reaction would have been if you were of the other gender?

 

[Dystopia]

As a women, I would obviously refuse to share a room with a straight man. I wouldn't be expecting him to fancy me, but first of all, it's a possibility (and vice versa of course), and secondly, I would feel very uncomfortable sharing such close quarters with someone who was sexually interested in my gender.

So who am I supposed to room with? And does it matter that I mostly just like girls?

I'm bisexual myself, so here's what I would do: I wouldn't mention it to the girl I was sharing with. If I don't fancy her, no problem, she never needs to know. If I do, I deal with it, find someone else and move on.

 

[iNsaneMilesy]

If I can recall, most university dorms have a preference for the types of people you would prefer to room with, at least they did at mine. You don't have to be a Homophobe to feel uncomfortable living with someone who is gay or otherwise. He may have gay friends or relatives who he loves, doesnt mean he has to click with or be surrounded by the lifestyle 24/7. You should live where you feel most comfortable.

 

[Zen Toombs]

Once again, OP here and I think that the Potential Roomie reacted relatively well to the situation. He MAY have acted out of discrimination, but as I've said about five times now, he reacted relatively well. He was uncomfortable, and so he avoided the thing that would make him uncomfortable.

Let us all ignore the fact that this is a dorm where most of the occupants seem to be gay/bisexual people, which corresponds to roughly 5% of the world population. No, I'm sure they all ended up there purely by coincidence (the stars aligned or some other bullshit) instead of making the personal choice of sharing living space with those with common lifestyles.

Now let's criticize that guy for making the VERY SAME DECISION, and say it was discrimination.

Erm, we actually did end up in the same room by coincidence. Or at least, I ended up there by coincidence: the homophobic ex-roommate I mentioned earlier? I changed rooms because my best friend is VERY gay, and the homophobic ex-roommate could have used one of me as a cudgel to beat up three of me. [sub]That is to say, he was RIPPED[/sub] The only suite available to me happened to have some gay people in it, but I only really cared that it was available and did not contain the risk of my best friend being assaulted.

As for my suite mates, they were friends back in high school, and then they decided to room together for college. Just like my younger brother decided to do, and many other people decided to do.

As for the dorm as a whole (or even my floor), there's not very many other gays. Not as sure about the lesbians though.

-snip-

-snip-

I'm bisexual myself, so here's what I would do: I wouldn't mention it to the girl I was sharing with. If I don't fancy her, no problem, she never needs to know. If I do, I deal with it, find someone else and move on.

But it was relevant, he spoke of his girlfriend and I spoke of my current boyfriend....

I do see where you are coming from though.

 

[generals3]

With a bisexual, you act like s/he's just a person, because that's all we are. People. *Hippy music starts playing*

As for jokes, ones that involve homosexuality? That's fine. Jokes that are in poor taste? Can be alright okay, but go in the "dead baby comedy" bin. Jokes that are homophobic? Never okay.

Exactly the same as racist or sexist or XYZBBQist jokes. Those jokes are never okay. Jokes in poor taste can be alright, and jokes that just involve race or sex or barbecue are always fine.

See i'd be screwed already, i don't censor myself joke wise and hate having to do so. (to be honest i don't see what's wrong with homophobic/racist/misogynistic/etc... jokes as long as you keep it balanced and don't only make such jokes and it's clear you don't target a certain group because you secretly hate them)

 

[Astoria]

At least he was pleasant about it. There would be many people who would abuse you for it any chance they got. He can't help feeling the way he does about it so I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[bliebblob]

Bah don't feel bad about it. Would you rather he did come live with you and was acting awkward all year? Homophobes aren't going to disappear anytime soon, the best you can hope for is that they leave you alone. And he did so yay
Besides, from his answer I gather he isn't homophobic at all. He just didn't want to be the odd man out. And I can totally understand that. I myself once didn't take a very nice dormroom because the entire dorm was filled with girls. Doesn't mean I hate woman.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

I wouldn't take that too hard. Its one thing to not want to be friends with someone because they are bi/gay. Its something else completely to sleep in the same room with that person if your straight. You are in your most vulnerable state in your room, you take a shower, sleep, sometimes wander to the bathroom in boxers, etc. If in the back of your mind you know that your roommates may be attracted to you it can make some people very uncomfortable.

 

[Batou667]

I do realise that it was Potential Roomie[sup]TM[/sup]'s right to back out of an uncomfortable situation, and never said that it wasn't. I also do realize that I will be treated differently by some because I'm viewed as different. I simply wanted to take a moment vent.

Ergo the [vent] [/vent] tags.

Imagine your room mate was going to be a girl. She finds out you're male and messages you to say "Hi, I'm sure you're a nice guy but I was really expecting to be sharing with another female. I don't really feel comfortable sharing with a guy. I'm going to have to back out of this one. No offence, good luck".

You wouldn't be pissed off about that, would you?

You'd just accept her decision. If she'd been willing to share, more power to her, but there's no shame in her not being comfortable with the arrangement. And the thought that "she's a man-hater, she obviously already decided that I was going to rape her, what a bigotted *****" wouldn't even enter your mind.

Exactly the same situation with this guy. He just wasn't comfortable with the idea: that doesn't mean he's a homophobe, or that he needs to be educated. Just respect his wishes. When I say stuff like "we need to tolerate intolerance", this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

 

[Zen Toombs]

I do realise that it was Potential Roomie[sup]TM[/sup]'s right to back out of an uncomfortable situation, and never said that it wasn't. I also do realize that I will be treated differently by some because I'm viewed as different. I simply wanted to take a moment vent.

Ergo the [vent] [/vent] tags.

-snip- It should be right above me, anyway.

Batou667, please read my post before you get upset at me. Note the two underlined portions.

Edit: Also, while I don't like intolerance, I am okay with (as you said) "tolerating intolerance". I was, as I said, just wanting to vent. I am not upset with this person; I don't like the situation, and wish it was different, but I'm not upset.

Please do actually read the posts you're quoting before you react though.

Finally, yes, I would be just as upset with the girl for not wanting me as a roommate: Not upset, but wishing the situation was different.

 

[Batou667]

Batou667, please read my post before you get upset at me. Note the two underlined portions.

I'm not upset. I was just replying to your post.

I realise you were venting - maybe I was venting a bit too.

 

[PhantomEcho]

Batou667, please read my post before you get upset at me. Note the two underlined portions.

I'm not upset. I was just replying to your post.

I realise you were venting - maybe I was venting a bit too.

Indeed, perhaps the thing we should be most grateful for here is the fact that, with remarkably few exceptions, most people here are simply TOLERANT of people.

Because at the end of the day, folks, we're all merely human.

Nobody can expect more of you than being human, and still claim to be justified. That we find so many people willing to express and share their foibles and feelings on the matter?

That says more than anything.

That's how people grow and expand.