The "Yep. I'm definitely going to Hell" moment.

[William Ossiss]

pfft. i wiped my arse with a holy bible. regret it? yeah.

 

[MasterChief892039]

My roommate once laughed at a commercial about war amp children. They didn't do anything funny, they were just being war amps. Apparently he found it humourous.

I like to tell this story to his friends 'cause I'm a jerk, but he denies it ever happened.

 

[templargunman]

My entire life is a "yep, I'm going to hell moment" or none of it, depends how you look at it. I'm an atheist, so if any christian religion is right, I'm going to hell. On the other hand, I never really think I'm going to hell, as I don't believe in it. But as I don't believe in religion, the things I think are completely wrong are pretty much limited to murder and rape, and probably tons of other things I can't think of right now.

 

[MakerOfRoads]

A russian boy and his father spend their quality time looking for trinkets with a metal detector. Its something they do together, as father and son.

Often times, they will come across sites of old battles, and recover old knives, and military gear.

The last time they went out, the father found an unexploded bomb. While he was trying to dig it up to find out exactly what it was, it went off.

The bomb removed the father's arms at the shoulder, and causes massive scarring on his face and chest, but he survived.



This has to be true...

Because...

In soviet russia, bomb disarms you!

 

[ultrachicken]

Okay, so same friend and I were at his house and it was about 3:30 A.M. and we were bored. So, we did our new boredom thing; Chatroulette. And we found these 3 douchebag Japanese kids, and they immediately started making fun of us. Needless to say, it upset us, so my friend did the greatest thing he's ever done. He imitated the cliched missile drop sound, and I instinctively imitated an explosion as he made a mushroom cloud with his hands. These 3 Japs immediately stopped laughing and just went slackjawed, as if we just completely ruined their lives. Just watching their face go from "Ha! Fatass Americans! You're stupid!" to jaws dropped in shock was perhaps the greatest thing I've ever seen.

That is the greatest comeback I've ever heard of.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

Okay, two things,

1-When I was in cadets, I had been told to give a brief speech to the other kids (who were just about to get their learners) on the dangers of speeding. This speech was mostly jokey, because that's how I teach and it ended with 'And if you crash your car over the speed limit, you'll look like a total cock head and still not get to the movie on time' one of the girls burst into tears and ran out. Turned out her brother had just died in a car accident.

then, on black saturday, our unit was only a few ks away from the fires, so we were all in a bit of shock, so I wasn't really thinking straight, so my lesson ended with, alright, i've taught you enough, piss of back to you homes. That same girl ran off crying, turned out she had just lost her house.

THEN, in a lesson about safety with batteries, I made a crack about being on fire and people thinking that you were simply waving hello, same bloody thing and the officer comes by to tell me that the girls uncle was in hospital with severe burns or something.

I was frustrated and so maybe I snapped a little bit, because I said, 'Fuck it, I'm not gonna pussyfoot around every potential little thing because the sound of piss hitting a urinal reminds her of the time she almost drowned!' I did appologise afterwards, but I had gotten some pretty stern warnings about the other two incidents and so was fairly frustrated.

That's just horribly bad luck and bad timing.

Also I feel the need to ask...all three incidents were the same girl right? Cause if so, that's pretty much comedy sketch material right there, and I couldn't help but find these stories utterly hilarious.

 

[Veldel]

Umm Mine would be we had a colimbine speaker thing in High school and people where upset and I said acadently outloud can we get this pointless thing over with I dont care if ppl died. >_>


I got alot of glares and shit from ppl

 

[David_G]

Okay so my friend's mom recently died of some form of cancer.
The Setting: Library
People Present: Some of my friends but other friend wasn't
Context: My friends were being childish and putting non-fiction books in fiction in vice-versa, like at one point my friend put the bible in the non-fictiion, please no atheist rant.
The conversation:
Friend 1: Oh I just thought of something really bad (looked guilty)
Friend 2: Tell me
(Friend 1 tells in friend 2's ear, friend 2 laughs)
Us other friends: What
Friend 2: Maybe [non-present friend]'s mom should be in the fiction section

So i was kinda chuckling on the inside but i said it was horrible, I feel REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about it, plus it wasn't even a good joke

Hahahahaahhahahahaha, oh god, I almost fell of my chair laughing.

. . . cheese pizza threads. . .

Someone had to say it.

Don't you mean Captain Picard?

OT: I have numerous of these moments. Mainly because when it goes for jokes, everything is permitted for me. I'll laugh at anything. For example, Jesus jokes. I'm not going to post them because the last time I posted something offensive here I got suspended.

 

[SoulIsTheGoal]

My two friends I hang out with most at uni are black and brown in skin-tone respectively. I recently found out that Eric Clapton called his two main guitars in the seventies "Blackie" and "Brownie". Since I play guitar guess what I've started calling my two best friends...

Seriously, I'm going to get a high-five off the devil if Hell exists.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

I have one that combines a semi-Holocaust joke with semi-antisemitism, as well as deeply offending my roommate's boyfriend

I think you should know, for context here...I have a weird kind of speech impediment thing. This basically causes certain words to sound like other words. The one in this case is the word "juice" sounding like "Jews" when I say it.

seeing where this is going?

My friend and I were hanging out and we got hungry. I had some cold pizza in the fridge in my room, with some JUICE in the kitchen. my friend went into the kitchen while I got the pizza. As I walked out of my bedroom, I heard a loud crash from the kitchen.

Without thinking, I yelled out "stop fucking around! get the damn juice so we can shove these fuckers in the oven!"

As I said this, I noticed my roommate's boyfriend coming out of her bedroom. He's Jewish. Ouch...

 

[the clockmaker]

Also I feel the need to ask...all three incidents were the same girl right? Cause if so, that's pretty much comedy sketch material right there, and I couldn't help but find these stories utterly hilarious.

Yep, same girl, every time.

 

[ReservoirAngel]

Also I feel the need to ask...all three incidents were the same girl right? Cause if so, that's pretty much comedy sketch material right there, and I couldn't help but find these stories utterly hilarious.

Yep, same girl, every time.

wow she's a fucking disaster magnet. I can't really fault you for this, it's just her immense bad luck that her family keeps getting fucked up.

 

[HassEsser]

. . . cheese pizza threads. . .

Someone had to say it.

Don't you mean Captain Picard?

Oh, for sure. Coloring pencil threads, too.

 

[Vault101]

Well, this girl (she's like 20. I think they make the mentally challenged stay until they're 21-22 or so) was out sick. We were told to make cards for her, and my friend muttered, "Let's make some cards for some 'tards." Now, she looks a lot like a bird, so I imitated the stereotypical voice of a Downs Syndrome patient and went, "I reawwy wike birds. I reawwy do, Jonafan." We both started laughing uncontrollably.

Do I feel bad?

Err... not really. I'm a horrible person sometimes.

stay where? in school?

No, in Imaginationland.

Sorry, rude sarcasm is uncalled for.

Yes, in school, I believe in the Charms program.

I see so are they in regular schools? (with the extra help probably) what country is this?

anyway I dont think they do that here in australia, im not sure they allow you to leave school early if your disabled in that way (they changed that laws so that you cant drop out unless your doing somthing productive, like aprenticship or traineeship, anyway you can do that stuff through school now anyway),

they do assess you before you leave school to find out the best option

anyway I know im asking alot of questiosn but I find this stuff interesting is all

 

[David_G]

. . . cheese pizza threads. . .

Someone had to say it.

Don't you mean Captain Picard?

Oh, for sure. Coloring pencil threads, too.

Ah yes, also women laughing with salad threads.

 

[Andy of Comix Inc]

I don't believe in Heaven and Hell, and for that, I am going to Hell.

 

[HassEsser]

Ah yes, also women laughing with salad threads.

Hell yea. And, speaking of which, why the fuck are there so many images of women laughing with salad?

 

[LooK iTz Jinjo]

Any anime/comic convention where dozens and dozens of 12-16 year old girls decide to take the opportunity to dress in as little as possible and get away with it.

 

[GotMalkAvian]

I have at least one of these moments every day. If I don't, I just don't feel complete. Yesterday's was the following:

I was in a mall with my fiancee. Sitting in the food court, heartily enjoying some "Chinese food", was a goth/industrial lad with a shaved head, red and black frock-style coat, strange contact lenses, and more metal in his face than in the average modern car.

I turned to my fiancee as we were walking out and said "Chemo is fucking metal." She almost fell over laughing and then said simply "I want you so bad right now." We're both awful people.

 

[crazy_egyptian]

Would you believe i had one in the space between clicking on the 3rd page of this thread and the 3rd page loading?

You'd be pretty right there.

My friend tells me he's bored so I say "Go fuck a squirrel?"

I'm going to go neck myself now...