Top Ten Sex Tips

[daftalchemist]

Why do these magazines need to be so complex. This is all they need to say.

How to please you man. Show up naked. Bring beer.

Well, yeah, it's that simple. But, quite frankly, it gets boring. It's something I've griped about to my boyfriend before, and he agrees with me. There are so many different areas on women for guys to play with, but there's only like two or so things on guys for girls to play with. So when you're just playing with the same two things all the time, it gets really boring and it makes you want more things to play with. And then you have to come up with weird shit to make sexy times more interesting so you can keep having fun with it.

*Consults list of PG-rated fetishes safe to mention on the Escapist*

Run a nice hot soapy bath so that you can soak together naked at least as deep to the upper chest. Put a blindfold on them and then slowly, sensuously start brushing their teeth as you cradle them from behind. Use a soft bristle brush and be gentle but firm, and whatever you do..

Don't ruin the moment by using an automatic toothbrush.

Am I any good at this shtick?

Nah, man. You have to keep it practical. Apartment bathtubs are barely big enough to fit one person, let alone two.

 

[PunkRex]

Im fine with the bees, now if only I had the bee keeper...

 

[I.Muir]

The back of a bus could please a man
Women's mags be crazy

 

[The Random One]

Maybe he likes it. Maybe he likes his women like he likes his coffee

COVERED IN BEES

(Because he's an apiculturist, get it? Get it? It's an Eddie Izzard joke that - oh, never mind, internet.)

 

[Still Life]

It improves the flavor!

I'm sorry...

But I simply have to know where you got that gif as your avatar, and where I can find the video.

*Edit*

Apologies for accidentally misquoting Rayen.

 

[Biodeamon]

sad thing is there is somebody outthere who has a fetish for bees shoved up their ass.

And was that emoticon for an asshole? i had thought that kind of behaviour was below that of a member of an escapist...

 

[Infernai]

Oh beehive!


...

...

[sub]I'll show myself out...[/sub]

This works well as a response because this video is about another Ashleigh
<youtube=-7YA5F5EWwI>
Watch yo self boi!

An Ashley, commenting on a comic featuring Ashley, gets quoted with an Ashleigh.


We need to go deeper...


[HEADING=1]Ashception![/HEADING]

Haha, yeah that's-

Wait, your name's Ashley!? 0o I never knew that.

You sound surprised

Why? What was you expecting my name to be?

Daniel Ammet of all things. Don't ask me why the hell that one popped into my head, it just did Ash.

...I am allowed to call you Ash right? Incidentally, you are free to try to guess my name.

 

[Zoe Castillo]

--

 

[Evil Smurf]

I saw a similar thing on cracked, are you a fan Grey?
http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex-tips-from-cosmo-that-will-put-you-in-hospital/

 

[Loop Stricken]

[
For true. Also using them thar cotton swabs in the ears.

Well, different strokes for different goats folks, eh?

Do you not find cleaning your ears to be an enjoyable sensation?

 

[Zombie_Fish]

Reminds me of the SMBC Thea-

NOT THE BE-

I'll just leave this here... (works best with eyes closed)

God damnit, ninja'd again!

Personally, I think I can speak on behalf of men in general when I recommend just going through these tips [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI] (safe for work).

... You win this round, sir. >.>

Beaten to it: Ninja a post, then touch him on the penis.

 

[Sandjube]

I quite literally laughed at loud. Then I looked at the last frame and did it again.

 

[Quiet Stranger]

Okay, two things.

One: The guy in the middle panel is creepy as hell

Two: The girl with the expression on her face and hands on the guys body and the way she says what she says makes me hot and bothered.

 

[Somebloke]

And this came to be without any awareness of "The Diamond Club"?

I guess there really is a time for everything.

 

[Hjalmar Fryklund]

Rectum? DAMN NEAR KILLED EM!

Yeah, nothing good is gonna cum out of this.

Sphincter? I just met her!

Sounds rather stiff though, wouldn't you agree?

Also, I seem to have encountered a technical issue; I didn't even get quote massaged about your reply.

 

[Loop Stricken]

Do you not find cleaning your ears to be an enjoyable sensation?

It's just it had never occurred to me to feel aroused about it. And now I have to feel guilty afterwards too....

Oh, I'm not saying it's specifically arousing. Not when I do it by myself anyway.

 

[mattinkent]

I saw a similar thing on cracked, are you a fan Grey?
http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex-tips-from-cosmo-that-will-put-you-in-hospital/

This is better:

http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-best-of-ridiculous-tips-for-a-miserable-sex-life-emcosmopolitan-em-edition

 

[Aurora Firestorm]

One of my friends read in one of those magazines that you could put a wire coat hanger up the penis as a turn on. She tried it the boyfriend was not pleased at all.

Auuuuuuugh! >< Why would you *do* that? I'm not even *male* and I'm cringing. (For more AUUUUGH on that, read the short story "Guts." It's by the same guy who wrote Fight Club. And then be scarred for life.)

Also, for people who like to make fun of Cosmo, there is an entire series of articles on that called Cosmocking (just Google it). It's hilarious. And...sad, in a way.

 

[BishopofAges]

Insert an entire ham into his rectum

For the love of all that IS and ever WILL BE!! We cook and EAT the ham, not devistate someone's bunghole with it!

OT: Those magazines really do scare me, because they convince women that men are either some sort of 'deep thinking sensitive stoic a-holes' or 'sexed-crazed loony who WILL rape you' I know it's general topic and the like, but can we get women's magazines to write about something else? "How to Improve Your Career in 30 days!" "Looking Inward and Making Peace" or "The Ol' Girls Club Guide to Cigar Smocking" Doesn't matter the topic, just let us men have our 'staring off into space time' and such...

 

[ramboondiea]

http://www.nerve.com/advice/ridiculous-tips/the-best-of-ridiculous-tips-for-a-miserable-sex-life-emcosmopolitan-em-edition

This was both hilarious and very depressing because its an actually thing with actually advice that people have actually given .

also 23 and 27 were the funniest things I have read all week haha