Top Ten Sex Tips

[mental_looney]

One of my friends read in one of those magazines that you could put a wire coat hanger up the penis as a turn on. She tried it the boyfriend was not pleased at all.

Because a thick, jagged wire being jammed into a urethra isn't an immediately horrible-sounding idea.

I do not know your friend but I can immediately tell she is a scary person.

She was super nice and bubbly, but never the brightest so not scary just misguided.

 

[Lord Beautiful]

...just misguided.

You see, I find that scary.

 

[GoddyofAus]

Hey, as long as it's a woman, I don't have an issue.

 

[Taunta]

Well I'll be damned. And I thought pleasing men was a simple, almost effortless act that any woman could perform without any real planning.

It really is, but magazines can't tell you that. How is Cosmo supposed to make money if it's not telling you how ugly you are? And how much prettier you could be if you bought the latest designer clothes and makeup, bleached your asshole, dropped 50 pounds, and took a class in acrobatics so you can perform Cirque du Soleil in the bedroom for your boyfriend who is also an underwear model?

 

[Zaik]

I always wondered who actually took those sections seriously. I mean, why would some semi illiterate person writing for some home ec magazine know more about how a penis works than the owner of said penis?

I mean, I dunno about the rest of you guys, but I've been using a penis(mine) for things other than urination at least 12 years now. I'm pretty much THE expert in the fields of Mypenisology AND Mypenisonomy. If there are any questions at all about the subject, I'm absolutely positive that I am the person to go to about them.

 

[RJ 17]

I believe Dave Chappelle said it best in one of his stand up comedy acts:

"The problem is that women get too much advice about men from other women. You'll see a ladies' magazine that says "100 Ways to Please Your Man...by: Some Lady." Pfffft, really? That list is just 4 things long: suck his dick, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much."

Really is that simple. ;3

 

[Irradiated Tiger]

All those women's magazine sex tips are all completely overthought. I present to you my number 1 tip to get your man aroused and in the mood.

-Take your clothes off.

 

[Imp_Emissary]

Alright I didn't see anyone ask this, so I guess I have to.

If you want to make love with your partner more fun/pleasurable for them, why not just ask them what they want to do?
It seems like a non-problem to me, but who can clam to understand all people and their "reasoning"?

Anyway, funny comic. Thanks.

 

[targren]

Putting something in your girlfriend's ass: "Anal! Score!"
Girlfriend putting something in your ass: "Why the fuck would you do that?!"

I don't get it.

Well, to be fair, the "something" in each of those two scenarios needs to be chosen very carefully.

 

[Mamzelle_Kat]

I think I once read advice in a magazine telling the girl to gently bite the guy during oral sex.

I'm not a guy, so I don't know, but that doesn't sound like something I'd even want attempted on my person.

 

[Aglynugga]

Here's a tip about the tip, for the ladies. If he says 'Just the tip', it's *never* just the tip.

 

[Scorpid]

You know what it takes to please your man? Be engaging and engaged. It's not a science but it has to be reciprocated otherwise it'll not last the weekend you try it. He wants you to listen to some music or maybe watch a show, do it! Nothing is more annoying when you try to include someone in something and they shut you down constantly (for me anyway). also not every man is the same.

 

[Toilet]

For sphincter stimulation I suggest a slight stroke; sticking sizable staples of stuff would cause a significant sting.


I have found with the women I have been with they all have their own places which I have play fully dubbed "Horny Spots". These spots are not in the conventional areas; they can be found anywhere on the body and caressing, kissing or even skin on skin contact with these zones will work help your partner achieve orgasm or get in the mood. For example the neck, ears, base of the spine, butt cheeks, ears, inside of the thighs, feet, back of the knee, area around the belly button and the obvious one the lips are all spots that your partner may have an affinity for. If you are not sure I suggest you either ask or find out for yourself.

I don't like these sweeping generalizations on male sexuality, showing up naked and trying to unbuckle my trousers I'm going to think you are a mad woman. As for what works for me is close body contact, it drives me crazy when a woman is against my bare chest and during intercourse having the skin on skin contact is what helps me to agree.

 

[Blair Bennett]

As a recently graduated high school student, I have actually had the misfortune of seeing someone dressed as a sexy Teletubby. I would also like to point out that my friends and I have actually made the reading of Cosmopolitan sex tips and the like into something akin to watching The Room every time we feel like a cringe and a laugh.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Have sex outside.
Have sex in a car.
Dress up as something tiresomely predictable (French Maid, Nun, Tellytubby, etc.)
Massage your man with sensual oils from these undeclared advertising partners.
Insert an entire ham into his rectum.

Ah Cosmo, I'd recognize you anywhere.

Although, to be honest, most of that isn't terrible advice. Just... bland.

Sex outside - make sure the planned location is A) flat, B) an appropriate temperature, C) sheltered, D) that you have something large and soft (like a thick quilt) to lay out on the ground first. It can be romantic... not sure it really hits "hot" but whatever.

Sex in a car - probably not full sex (again, unless you have a limo or a creepy van) but hand-jobs, oral sex, etc all works pretty well. Also make-outs if you're going old-school.

Dress Up - yes, they usually are tiresomely predictable. However, they don't HAVE to be. Having done some cos-play at Anime cons... those outfits often work VERY well for this sort of thing. ^^

Massage - this one works very well. Just make sure to keep the pressure light unless specifically asked otherwise. Also, massage oil makes great hand-job lube. Better yet, use the KY massage lube so that it won't eat through any condoms you might be using (which some massage oils might do).

Insert object into butt - actually, this works REALLY well. So long as the guy is relaxed, and you have plenty of that KY massage oil lube, and the object is a proper anal toy designed for that purpose, then the results can be VERY impressive. Like, really, really impressive. ^^ However, do NOT attempt with random objects or without lube.

And I can throw a few more out there...

Clubbing Corset - That is, a corset for clubbing. They don't have any boning, so they are WAY more comfortable, but they LOOK really hot.

Light bondage - Get some of those velcro straps and let him tie you up. It's velcro, so you can get out at any time, but it feels very kinky, and may appeal to his fantasies.

Public Sex - not outside, but in some slightly risky indoor location. Go to a movie that's been out a week or two already and isn't that popular. Sit far away from anyone else there, and try to avoid obvious spots (never try the back row, the ushers check there). Also, avoid full sex - stick with hand-jobs and oral. Full sex is too noisy, obvious, and honestly movie theaters aren't that clean so the more clothing that stays on the better. However, exchanging hand-jobs has almost no risk of touching any sensitive parts to the theater, is fairly quiet, and doesn't require anyone leaving their seat or doing anything particularly suspect. And, from a distance, you just look like you're holding hands or maybe making out - totally legal at a theater.
Another popular location are college libraries. They are often multi-story, not well patrolled, and there is little-to-no-chance of being caught by a 10 year old.

Roleplaying - Sure, you can do the stupid porn scenarios, but I prefer the nerdier version. See, I play D&D (well Pathfinder, but whatever) and so does my spouse. We often play together. And our characters often become involved. So... after the game, when we're home, our 'characters' can spend a night together. VERY sexy. ^^
Oh, and we once did this with our Dragon Age characters (ie, we pretended to be them). And our Skyrim characters. Also, it turns out I do a very good Tali voice... ... you get the idea.

Guest Stars - If you're very comfortable in your relationship, you can invite extra players to the bedroom. If you're worried about a three-way being awkward, consider swinging with another couple. "Soft swinging" doesn't involve full sex, just foreplay and voyeurism (ie, sex and a live show for both couples). If everyone has a good time, then you can meet again.. perhaps work up to "full swing" (everyone has sex) if everything goes well. However, it's important to make sure everyone is one the same page when you set things up. What are the rules - who can touch whom (some guys get upset about the idea of their 'junk' touching, whereas others enjoy a good double penetration).

Wow, I could write a whole column on this myself, couldn't I? Well, I have read a lot of Cosmo (and Vogue) so I guess I know the style.

 

[Paragon Fury]

We need to go deeper...

That's number 7 on the list.

Oh god.

 

[Loop Stricken]

I wonder when one of those magazines will just try screwing with us and write down, "Google Rule 34 without Safesearch; do act performed in first picture seen."

Eh, I dunno.

I mean, I'm a horribly lonely virgin lad, but still. Hardly risqué.

 

[Loop Stricken]

*Consults list of PG-rated fetishes safe to mention on the Escapist*

Run a nice hot soapy bath so that you can soak together naked at least as deep to the upper chest. Put a blindfold on them and then slowly, sensuously start brushing their teeth as you cradle them from behind. Use a soft bristle brush and be gentle but firm, and whatever you do..

Don't ruin the moment by using an automatic toothbrush.

Am I any good at this shtick?

....Is this serious? I mean, it sounds too funny to be true.

For true. Also using them thar cotton swabs in the ears.

 

[Darth_Payn]

Well, I'm gonna need some Brain Bleach(tm) after this to get these "sex tips" out of my mind. There are a couple of Cracked articles that may have inspired today's strip:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19066_7-psychotic-pieces-relationship-advice-from-cosmo.html
http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex-tips-from-cosmo-that-will-put-you-in-hospital/

I pity the poor men who have women in their lives who read that stuff.