"Undateable"

[Chromatic Aberration]

Its hard to see how someone would want to go on more than one date with someone like me though. I don't really do anything that would interest another person, I'm quiet and keep to myself and I'm not particularly attractive or wealthy. Even if someone DID like me, its hard to imagine how it would be difficult to find someone who was like me, but just better (or less bland at least).

ahhhhh...OP... I thought we discussed that a year ago already...

My quote from back then still holds:

I'am always slightly amused when people go around proclaiming they are a lost cause and all.

Just to give you a little bit of perspective:

* I'm three/four years older than you.
* I never had a girlfriend.
* I never had a crush on anyone or anything I'd designate as a crush at all.
* I refuse to partake in that stupid "dating-game" anyone seems to be so keen on doing.
* I'm a sexual deviant with an almost exclusive focus on things that are physically impossible.
* I did have sex twice and it bored me.
* I suspect that I have if not one, then several mental conditions that keep me from ever getting close to anyone. Not that I didn't want to, mind.
* I decided the last 6 years that I wouldn't really care about the above at all and just keep going, since, honestly, I really have much more important and much more pleasant things to do than try to worry about that kind of shit that is very likely to be set in stone anyway.

And despite all this, I always knew that I have to keep trying at somepoint, that I have to try and get around these things - at least to some degree - because, well, you'll have to try, right? Even if its just incredibly spotty patchwork. You simply can't win if you don't make a bet once in a while.

So: Lost Cause my friggin ass.

Now get up and do shit - the others have already told you more than enough of what you can and should do.

Also keep in mind what Miyenne said:

Why is everyone so hung up on having someone who has sex with them as their partner? Yeah sex is great and all, but there's so many other ways you can have a relationship with someone.

...because, you know, you should really ask yourself if you really want a girlfriend or simply someone you can talk and connect to. Because if its the latter you'll have a lot more much less messy, opportunities at your disposal.

...so, OP, let me ask you a question: What did you do since last year when you made this thread? What did you archieve? What new things did you try?

If you think you are bland, how about simply going out and broaden your horizons? Volunteer somewhere, take on a hobby besides video-gaming, get your friends and make a trip, go to a concert - do something were you can say at the end: "I tried something new" and each time you do this, you have something more to tell, turning you from a bland ball of video-gaming-fueled escapism into something more interesting. And that's not to say that I think you are the latter anyway, as everybody and his dog has pointed out you sound like you have an abyssian bad self-esteem - so, one important thing for you is to first start and critically assess if you are really that boring to begin with and then, regardless of the outcome, try and do something new, especially if that includes meeting new people and lead to new dating opportunities.

However, one thing that I feel needs to be said in this very thread to all the people who go on about all the relationships they had and the sex they had and how easy that is for them: you got lucky. Really, that's essentially it. Some people may not be as lucky - there may exist forces within themselves, within their past or just due to their environment that may turn things that are easy for the vast majority of people into what amounts to a dance upon a volcano: an extremely carefully instituted set of balanced movements towards a goal whose usefulness is debatable and always with the everpresent danger of getting burned or even falling in. There is neither a guarantee that one succeeds like most other people did nor is there a clear-cut case to be made if it's really worth all their trouble. And that's I think the most important point about "undateableness" to be made: all the talk about willpower may not help at all and may even make things worse because it turns the issue into a character-fault. And I don't think that's helpful.

Oh, and that's not to say that the OP shouldn't try: after all, what he wants can only be achieved through trying and without trying he may never know if it's really worth the trouble....

 

[Robert B. Marks]

No one is undateable... but maybe youneed to widen your net. You know what makes a guy dateable... money.

Yeah don't lie ladies , we know the score so don't play that game.

A guy can be the most intolerable bigoted, rageaholic asshole on the planet but so long as his bank account has more than 5 digits and he's free about spending it...he will have a date.

Again, I'm not talking smack it's just an observation that I and many others have made over the years

But otherwise.

What a dreadful worldview. I'm very glad I haven't lived a life that suggests, supports or reinforces it.

I've had good relationships, and bad relationships. I have never, though, had a relationship where the balance of my chequebook mattered to the other person. I also can't imagine that sort of relationship as being worth having in the first place.

A good relationship is a partnership - you and your significant other vs. the world, if it comes down to it. A relationship based on how much money you have can't be fully healthy. And, as a friend of mine once put it, it's better to be in no relationship than a bad one.

 

[Blitsie]

A rather bizarre friend of mine once said "The only type of person who is never going to be able to get a date is someone who is already dead. And that's mostly because they make lousy conversationalists."

Yeah, I have some interesting friends.

That's... fantastic actually! Tell him I say well said

I've come to notice, as someone who went down this road before, that you're biggest enemy when it comes to dating is yourself sadly, when you don't like yourself and think of yourself as "undateable" and so on, then you kinda end up sending exactly those kind of vibes to potential women who will end up overlooking or avoiding you. That whole "love yourself before others can love you shtick" quite unsurprisingly, is true.

Also, turns out both "go chase love!" and "wait for love to reach you" are half-truths that essentially form a whole. The best way ultimately to find someone isn't to go out with the intention of actually finding someone, but to instead just go out and enjoy life until you run into someone who likes you back. We sadly live in a weird world where to actually get into a relationship starts with not trying to get into one, turns out that shit just happens out of nowhere.

 

[DANEgerous]

There comes a time that people actually like people who are rather bland, a lot of people want a simple and average life which is more or less a more better description of what bland is, simple. You are only undateable if you intentionally avoid being in a committed relationship and even then you can still more or less date it just negates the idea of cheating.

 

[Sidmen]

You've had one more than me, mate. Although i guess the problem with me is that I'm too quite and passive to really be noticed.

High five brotha'.

Combine that with a disdain of alcohol and vampiric aversion to sunlight, and you have me.

Note: the aversion to sunlight is a result of my midnight job.

 

[thehorror2]

There are good many things that can make a person "undateable" but you'll find exceptions to almost all of them. Think you're boring? There's someone out there MORE boring than you who'd think you're fascinating. As several above me have said, thinking of yourself as boring is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do SOMETHING with your time outside of work. It must provide you SOME enjoyment, or you wouldn't do it. That's your hobby. Find someone else who shares your hobby and strike up conversation. Is it likely to get you laid? No. But nothing is LIKELY to get ANYONE laid, other than gobs of money and striking good looks, and even looks are subject to taste. I have female friends who will ONLY date chubby guys with beards, for God's sake! (Leading to no small feeling of inadequacy on my part. My scrawny, beardless part.) Moral of the story is, to some extent you're only as dull as you decide you are. Throw yourself into enough social situations with women and eventually you'll get a shot.

 

[Robert B. Marks]

Go through life with blinders and you won't see most of the stuff around you. Not saying that true loving or friendly relationships don't exist. Just saying that the first step to relationships comes in looking past the flaws of the other person. Men will overlook many of a woman's flaws if she's pretty enough and a woman will overlook many of a man's flaws if he's rich enough.

It's why society has always encouraged men to be 'big earners' and women to be 'pretty' or at least able to cook well. Yeah believe it or not ladies, looking hot is onething but if you can cook a great lasagne ...or a rib-stickin' stew... believe me you will have a man in your life. I mean it's near-impossible to be ugly in the dark, but a bad meal tastes bad even in the dark.

Sigh.

The 1950s called - they want their bad sexist cliches back.

Alright a couple of comments in general:

First, my father has a saying - it's her looks that will attract you, but her mind that will keep you. This is not a reference to one's ability to cook. There isn't a template of what the "perfect woman" is, or a checklist that women need to follow if they want a man. There are things that will help, but none of them are hard and fast rules.

Similarly, speaking as a married man who spent a decent amount of time in the dating pool, there are things that will make you attractive, and things that will prevent you from being attractive, but these too are not hard and fast rules. It goes without saying that if your body odour is so bad that you can be smelled coming a mile away, you're going to have trouble finding dates (and friends, acquaintances, etc.). Likewise, if your idea of dressing nice is a stained "Death to [insert minority group here]" t-shirt, you're not going to make a good impression on anybody. You want to have style (not fashion, though - fashion is imposed from without, while style comes from within...it comes with self-knowledge). But, that same body odour from working out can be both a turn-off and an aphrodisiac, depending on the woman involved (although, to be fair, it's usually a turn-off, so don't stop taking showers so that you can try to pull women who like body sweat).

The size of your pocketbook doesn't matter, but your ability to provide for yourself can. If you're looking for somebody to mooch from, this is rarely a desirable trait. Being able to support yourself is something that can make you desirable. That said, I lost an important (and lucrative) contract during my engagement, and I had to borrow money from my fiancee to make ends meet. She helped out without complaint - as I said, a good relationship is a full partnership. When she needs something I provide as best I can, and vice versa.

You don't need a tailored suit and/or a five digit bank account to make a good impression, and the women who will care about the size of your pocketbook are usually not the women you want to be dating anyway. You just need to be able to do a reasonable impression of supporting yourself and be able to pay your way. Live a full life and you WILL be interesting, regardless of how dull or mundane your own interests seem to you (and that goes for both sexes).

Or, more succinctly, if you care about and for yourself and what you're doing in your life, potential significant others will have a reason to care about you and what you're doing too.

 

[Fox12]

No, not radio carbon dating.

I was having a discussion with a friend the other day about how I've only ever gone on one date. He kept arguing that "Of course you'll meet women and go out" and that "everyone goes on dates on has a girlfriend at some time or another". I said that no, even I were to get lucky and get a first date, a second wouldn't happen. I told him that someone like me would be undateable not because of creepiness or being BAD; rather someone like me is just so bland and not interesting that people would rather go out with literally anyone else. He thought it was a silly idea.

I'm not sure it is. So I wonder; setting OBVIOUS things that would make a person undateable like being mean etc. Could someone be just so bland, average (or below average) and uninteresting that no one would want to go out with them? Or, to up the requirement, no one would want to go out with them that THEY would also want to have anything to do with?

Friend, there's someone for everyone out there, period.

My friend J. is overweight. He's not exactly handsome. He has a 0.5 GPA (yes, really). He's lazy. He has no real hobbies to speak of. He's been in 5 car accidents over the course of a year, totaling two vehicles. He's also been in a committed relationship for over four years, over twice as long as my longest relationship. He just managed to find the one nut whose as crazy as he is. You can do the same.

I doubt your actually boring, you probably just have difficulty communicating your interests. I also get the impression that may be somewhat timid, which is not only fine, it's fairly normal. Thankfully, these things are easily fixable. You just have to be willing to put yourself out there. Find some hobbies. Volunteer. Join a book club. Most of the time you'll meet someone when you're not even looking. I met my last girlfriend at a bible study with some friends. The point is, there's a lovely young woman out there somewhere who feels like she's way too average for anyone, and you'll never meet her if you don't go looking.

 

[Paragon Fury]

I have tried to get a bit better over the last year, but I don't feel its made much of a difference.

I tried finding some conventions/cons etc. to go. I couldn't afford any of the big ones (well, I could afford the TICKET, but the plane trip not so much. Also, Blizzcon sells out approx. 2 seconds after tickets go on sale) and there are apparently NONE around here. Going out has always been an issue for me because....I don't like most of the things people go out for. I'm quiet and keep to myself; I can't even bring myself to talk to people most of the time (unless its for business), much less a woman.

I've also got an issue of living in Vermont, while being fairly.....conservative. Not in the manner of politically conservative, but in the manner of "I don't drink or smoke and don't hang around those who do" which I think puts me in a pretty small minority around here.

I have been trying the online thing for almost 2.5 years now, but I don't think I've ever gotten a single message, or gotten one back (in fact, I'm almost certain of it). I haven't sent out a terribly large amount....but I still haven't gotten a response.

I did finally customize my room a little though.......

Spoiler

Yes, that is my Cata, Mists, D3: RoS and Heart of the Swarm C with my anime, some books and some movies. That is literally the extent of the customization/personalization of my room. Still, and improvement from last year).

Its just that I don't see a way forward really, since I don't enjoy a lot of things, and the things I do enjoy aren't very social (and aren't terribly popular with the ladies). Makes for difficult small talk and anything else.

 

[Netrigan]

Sometimes you just have to think of what kind of woman would find someone like you attractive. If you're kind of bland, then you'll probably want to angle toward the wall-flowers. The sort of person whose idea of a good evening is staying at home watching CSI.

The mistake I see so many guys (myself included) make is we tend to focus in on the popular girls, the ones who are spoiled for options. The less you bring to the table, the less likely they are to choose you.

Now, by all means, don't think of "she's out of my league" as an absolute barrier. There's no harm in asking, but be on the look out for the lonely girls, the ones who don't have a lot of options, because they're not very outgoing or don't have all the qualities the superficial male enjoys. There's a lot of great women who are being over-looked and if you're not very exciting, they'll probably have more in common with you than the flashier girls.

Another thing you have to be open to is self-improvement. Not necessarily appearance or prospects (although basic hygiene, grooming, and a stable job are minimum requirements for most women), but being open to new experiences. If she likes country line dancing, give it a go. Even if you hate the music, there's a good chance you might end up enjoying the experience. Or maybe you don't. If you hate it, then don't do that again; but if you can live with it and she really enjoys it, then it's compromise time. Maybe she wants you to watch some meh show with her, because she wants someone to talk about it with... then give it a go. She'll probably be doing the same with you, so maybe the two of your becoming Borderlands Buddies or something, devoting a small amount of your time to the other's interest.

But mostly you just got to ask. It's like Wanted where the first thing they did was strap him to a chair and beat the hell out of him. If you have a fear of being rejected, you have to get over that fear. I know guys who will ask a girl out if she smiles at them. They get rejected a lot, but it's not about percentages. If she thinks you're cute, she'll say yes. If you get on, it can lead to bigger and better things.

It's not quite be yourself, but be a better version of yourself. Ask. Don't get hung up on rejection. Be willing to go outside your comfort zone, because your comfort zone doesn't define you or what you like. That large girl you think is kind of cute but "isn't your type" might end up being the most beautiful woman you will ever meet. If there's a tiny spark of interest there, see if it'll ignite.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

Eh, why do you feel that you're bland? Presumably you fee enthusiastic about something, and I can guarantee that there exist people of the opposite sex who're also into that particular thing. Or, if you don't feel enthusiastic about anything, why not pick up a new hobby?

 

[SentimentalGeek]

I'm not sure if you can be undateably bland, because it'd usually take a date for someone to discover. But I do believe you can be unloveably bland (probably stick myself in that category) and reject the feel-good horseshit that everyone's got a potential partner. Sorta reminds me of the laughable 'if you work hard enough, you can make it' mantra - the same false platitudes to reassure because we as a society value unfailing positivity but I'd rather we were honest, and didn't delude ourselves like we do. So OP, change undateable to unloveable, and I agree with your assertion.

 

[SadisticFire]

I can offer you some magic elixir which boosts your stats as follows

+50 charisma
-20 intelligence
-40 dexterity

N.b The effects are temporary and it may take between a few hours and a day to recharge your mana after consumption

fortunately you are in luck my friend, as my magic elixir can be obtained from most inns, taverns or ye olde shops

Spoiler: magic elixir

Please don't try and use alcohol to overcome any 'flaw' you might have. That's the way you start your path onto alcoholism. Don't rely on alcohol, it's a shitty thing to do for a multitude of reasons.

And so what if you're undatable? Friends are fine, don't have any? Online peeps are still friends. Maybe it's because I've already had a shitty time with other people, but it's not really that bad being alone. You don't have to worry about some one else, you will never seriously let down some one. Then you get the benefits of cheaper living and stuffs, or you aren't dependent on some one else for your money. It's a no lose situation. It's what I've figured and going to live my life as.

 

[Sigmund Av Volsung]

You're too self-deprecating and self-conscious.

I've heard many people say that people like confidence; both women and men(I am in that category where I prefer an outgoing woman instead of a quiet, shy girl, but that's just me ). If you're too fixated on why a person might not like you, then you are digging yourself into a hole.

Don't do that. It can lead to problems, and trust me, I know. Everyone has faults, but it's moving past them, and turning them into strengths that completes a person.

If you find it difficult to move past any limitations that you might have... then I leave you with this quote from a man who oozes confidence, and does the impossible because he never gives up.

Spoiler

I apply that mentality to every challenge that comes my way!

 

[Andysweden]

No, not radio carbon dating.

I was having a discussion with a friend the other day about how I've only ever gone on one date. He kept arguing that "Of course you'll meet women and go out" and that "everyone goes on dates on has a girlfriend at some time or another". I said that no, even I were to get lucky and get a first date, a second wouldn't happen. I told him that someone like me would be undateable not because of creepiness or being BAD; rather someone like me is just so bland and not interesting that people would rather go out with literally anyone else. He thought it was a silly idea.

I'm not sure it is. So I wonder; setting OBVIOUS things that would make a person undateable like being mean etc. Could someone be just so bland, average (or below average) and uninteresting that no one would want to go out with them? Or, to up the requirement, no one would want to go out with them that THEY would also want to have anything to do with?

With that attitude you are defeated before you even start.
Getting dates is 90% confidence and you don't seem to have any.

 

[SuperScrub]

Unless your name is Christian Weston Chandler you're not undateable. There's rarely ever nobody for somebody, you'll just have to look for it. Sure some get second dates before the first one is even over and others have to search every single women in a 10 mile radius to even find one date but you'll find one. Chill out.

 

[V4Viewtiful]

I can offer you some magic elixir which boosts your stats as follows

+50 charisma
-20 intelligence
-40 dexterity

I only have half of any of them.

Anyway...

No, not radio carbon dating.

I was having a discussion with a friend the other day about how I've only ever gone on one date. He kept arguing that "Of course you'll meet women and go out" and that "everyone goes on dates on has a girlfriend at some time or another". I said that no, even I were to get lucky and get a first date, a second wouldn't happen. I told him that someone like me would be undateable not because of creepiness or being BAD; rather someone like me is just so bland and not interesting that people would rather go out with literally anyone else. He thought it was a silly idea.

I'm not sure it is. So I wonder; setting OBVIOUS things that would make a person undateable like being mean etc. Could someone be just so bland, average (or below average) and uninteresting that no one would want to go out with them? Or, to up the requirement, no one would want to go out with them that THEY would also want to have anything to do with?

Yeah, I usually listen to the same thing but from family members it's annoying because they tell me all these things on how either there other half did to get them or how to attract other people and to me it sounds like they're telling me how to turn iron into gold, like it's easy.

Well, there's always alcohol.

 

[hazabaza1]

Just want to say that while most people are taking a slightly more positive approach, if you're still not convinced I think I understand what you're feeling and have a bit of it myself.

I'm in that wonderful state of being where I'm a bit smart and not too ugly, but not incredibly smart of incredibly beautiful. Also fairly not social and self deprecating so even if someone genuinely did find me to be the most attractive amazing person ever I can't logically make sense of that in my head and would immediately assume some kind of fibbing.

I think that's kind of close to what you're feeling? I dunno. Basically, long story short, I'm sure a lot of other people have felt the same way over the years but give it time and broaden your horizons or something and you might find yourself in a different state of mind.
But hey what do I know.

 

[Vault101]

The mistake I see so many guys (myself included) make is we tend to focus in on the popular girls, the ones who are spoiled for options. The less you bring to the table, the less likely they are to choose you.

Now, by all means, don't think of "she's out of my league" as an absolute barrier. There's no harm in asking, but be on the look out for the lonely girls, the ones who don't have a lot of options, because they're not very outgoing or don't have all the qualities the superficial male enjoys. There's a lot of great women who are being over-looked and if you're not very exciting, they'll probably have more in common with you than the flashier girls.
.

so erm..."average" girls are fated to be with boring people?

ok I get thats not what your saying, its just I couldn't imagine being with somone who I didn't find interesting/stimulating on some level, thats not to say I'd expect (or am entitled too) some super hot perfect person definitely not

it also depends on who you get a long with more, some hot football player for example would probably not gel with me at all [sub/](I'd never rule anyone out of coarse)[/sub]

of coarse I'm only speaking in abstract terms, I've very little actual experience and would liek to think people are a little more multifaceted than the "types" we assign them

 

[Netrigan]

The mistake I see so many guys (myself included) make is we tend to focus in on the popular girls, the ones who are spoiled for options. The less you bring to the table, the less likely they are to choose you.

Now, by all means, don't think of "she's out of my league" as an absolute barrier. There's no harm in asking, but be on the look out for the lonely girls, the ones who don't have a lot of options, because they're not very outgoing or don't have all the qualities the superficial male enjoys. There's a lot of great women who are being over-looked and if you're not very exciting, they'll probably have more in common with you than the flashier girls.
.

so erm..."average" girls are fated to be with boring people?

ok I get thats not what your saying, its just I couldn't imagine being with somone who I didn't find interesting/stimulating on some level, thats not to say I'd expect (or am entitled too) some super hot perfect person definitely not

it also depends on who you get a long with more, some hot football player for example would probably not gel with me at all [sub/](I'd never rule anyone out of coarse)[/sub]

of coarse I'm only speaking in abstract terms, I've very little actual experience and would liek to think people are a little more multifaceted than the "types" we assign them

More like boring is in the eye of the beholder. To many people the perfect evening is curling up with someone and watching Castle together, not going out clubbing or other "exciting" things.

There's all kinds of women I find interesting, but really aren't for me because I'm a homebody with a rich interior life. I'd rather spend an evening discussing a really good TV show and for that you need someone with those attributes.


The whole point is to look beyond the obvious choices. I see too many guys get hung up on why the superficially attractive girl doesn't like them that they don't realize they don't particularly like them either. They just like how they look.