Violent women.

[Lead Herring]

Maybe you've misdiagnosed the problem here. Maybe it's not that men are put off by your confidence but rather you may have a knack for offending people. While it's true that you shouldn't try to be someone you're not to please someone your interested in, sometimes you do need to change certain mannerisms in order for a relationship to work (eg, an easygoing but lazy guy may have to become more proactive, but he shouldn't have to act aggressive to please his significant other.)

On the other hand, it could just be that your going after the wrong guys, especially if you've drawn this conclusion from the results of one or two dates-gone-wrong. While you are correct that a lot of guys dislike a strong willed girl, I've heard enough opinions to suggest that just as many admire that trait in a woman. My guess is that less confidant guys feel intimidated by stronger willed girls, and confidence is not a trait typified by geeks. You see, your statement about guys liking strong women in video games doesn't really say much as, in a videogame, you interact with them through an idealized male protagonist (I'm sure the Grey Warden never has to deal with sweaty palms or acne).

Hope that helps.

 

[Ninonybox_v1legacy]

Some wild women...no thanks I can't handle that, let alone a violent one. A women can be able to defend herself that's all fine and good.....but a violent one....nope.

 

[excentric22]

Hot tempered violence is irrational.....no way around it

 

[Slowpool]

I don't mind when women are strong and willful. I find it attractive. I don't find an uncontrolled attitude attractive, though. Volatile does not equal strong or willful; volatile equals bitchiness. Bitchiness equals immaturity and implies insecurity.

That said, it's not an immediate gamebreaker for me. If a woman is essentially kind and loving, I could fall head over heels regardless of her surface attitude, or even sometimes because of it (in the right circumstances). Without that or other extreme circumstances, I see no reason whatsoever to deal with violent people short of stopping them from hurting others. It's happened before, and probably will again.

 

[IrisEver]

Maybe you've misdiagnosed the problem here. Maybe it's not that men are put off by your confidence but rather you may have a knack for offending people. While it's true that you shouldn't try to be someone you're not to please someone your interested in, sometimes you do need to change certain mannerisms in order for a relationship to work (eg, an easygoing but lazy guy may have to become more proactive, but he shouldn't have to act aggressive to please his significant other.)

On the other hand, it could just be that your going after the wrong guys, especially if you've drawn this conclusion from the results of one or two dates-gone-wrong. While you are correct that a lot of guys dislike a strong willed girl, I've heard enough opinions to suggest that just as many admire that trait in a woman. My guess is that less confidant guys feel intimidated by stronger willed girls, and confidence is not a trait typified by geeks. You see, your statement about guys liking strong women in video games doesn't really say much as, in a videogame, you interact with them through an idealized male protagonist (I'm sure the Grey Warden never has to deal with sweaty palms or acne).

Hope that helps.

I think I do have a knack of offending people, yes.

I don't mean he should act aggressive. I simply mean that he wouldn't sway or run from a woman with a more aggressive personality. He would enjoy a woman initiating a 'playfight'. I mean simply enjoying a certain relationship dynamic.

From my standpoint, I find it hard to understand how someone cannot see how what I'm saying is different to 'I want to stab everyone and land people in hospital' or 'I want to terrify/lord it over any boyfriend I have'. I'm not saying a guy would just have to deal with my nature if he wants to be with me, or back down (I wouldnt like it if he did) I'm talking about a mesh of personality. I still mean both parties feeling safe and loved.

A certain dynamic that seems to be more accepted man-man than it is woman-man, and asking why men prefer more passive women but still admire strength and willfullness in general? Okay, maybe a lot of men don't admire outright violence in the most understood sense of the word. I can understand that. But crude violence is not what I mean.

Thank you for your insight. I do see a lot of people here saying they admire women who are not pacifists. Unfortunately, I still look like a sociopath! That's my fault. I think another problem is that, perhaps, maybe I'm just not 'usual'.

Forever alone.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

Here's an idea, go to a BDSM club if you're old enough, I am more than sure you could find someone who would not only accept your nature but have it as a fetish.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

This thread reminded me of this lol.

Don't worry OP I know what you mean. It would be nice to find a guy who doesn't mind me blowing up over the lack of female characters in computer games or the fact that Superman is getting divorced...

but maybe that's another issue...

Also Forever Alone *hug*

 

[Hagi]

Here's an idea, go to a BDSM club if you're old enough, I am more than sure you could find someone who would not only accept your nature but have it as a fetish.

I'm pretty certain that's not the kind of 'playfighting' she's talking about.

Sounds to me like she's looking for someone she can playfully call an ass-hole, who won't be offended and will call her a ***** right back.

 

[Nickolai77]

You sound like one of my friends OP, tall girl, some would say bossy, she would do a lot of organising socially which was good- confident, assertive, and won't take bull-shit. I'm going to imagine your like her.


And i'll say, i'm perfectly fine with all that as a personality trait in a woman, it can be a pretty useful trait to have at times. In terms of a romantic relationship though it's kind of different, some guy's like to take charge and so would be put off by an overly dominant woman. This is partially because guy's are socalised to do that, and would find it strange say if a woman did all the approaching, flirting, asking out for a date etc. Likewise, women are partially socialised to expect the guy to do all off the above, which is why not-so-confident nice-guy's don't get laid. Basically OP, your going against old sexist norms about male and female behaviour.

That said, screw social norms, a lot of people can freely do that in the 21st century. There are a lot of guy's whom would like a fiery, confident and dominant woman, you've just got to find them.

I know one girl whom i quite like, but her flaw is that she's too nice and polite- if i found the opportunity to ask her out, she'd probably go along with it just so not to offend me- tbf, i'd rather her tell me no outright so i'm not wasting my time. I do know a female acquaintance whom i would like to get to know better whom appears to strike the right balance between submissiveness and dominance[footnote]Not the BDSM kind obviously[/footnote], in fact i know a couple of girls whom do coming to think of it- basically i like girls to be confident, talkative, moderately forward but not overbearing and not too shy and quiet. It's all about striking the right balance, but every guy has their different preference.

 

[IrisEver]

Here's an idea, go to a BDSM club if you're old enough, I am more than sure you could find someone who would not only accept your nature but have it as a fetish.

This is NOT a fetish, and certainly not a sexual one. I am not wanting to be a leather clad dominatrix. Sex is a different issue. Again, this is about a relationship as a whole. Interaction, bonding, natures.

I actually tried forming a relationship with a fetishist to see if it could work. It was so far from what I wanted. We wouldn't have pleased each other.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

This is NOT a fetish, and certainly not a sexual one. I am not wanting to be a leather clad dominatrix. Sex is a different issue. Again, this is about a relationship as a whole. Interaction, bonding, natures.

I actually tried forming a relationship with a fetishist. It was so far from what I wanted. We wouldn't have pleased each other.

I didn't say it was a fetish for you, I meant that it would be for your partner. Also it's not everyone who is into the whole leather and bullwhip thing, there are various degress of it.
Who doesn't liek to get tied down once in a while? BDSM "lite" is the most prevailent fetish there is.

But if you have already tried it, then I don't know anything else than to keep looking, there's bound to be at least a few out there.

I'm pretty certain that's not the kind of 'playfighting' she's talking about.

Sounds to me like she's looking for someone she can playfully call an ass-hole, who won't be offended and will call her a ***** right back.

Well there should be more than just a handful of those out there, Britain (well the England part anyway) is the most compact ("real") country out there when it comes to people.

 

[IrisEver]

Dated a women that said the same thing as you and she turned out to be a psycho. Even though you are probably not dangerous, most men don't like it for very good reasons. The simple fact is that men don't want to argue with women when their in public. Every man will tell you that arguing with a women when their is people around is like walking around naked. Remember my ex girlfriend being aggressive and I had no problem with it at all. Man did she change when people where around. Oh course she had no manners either and saw her aggression as some form of power. Remember her asking me right in front of my friends if we could go in the back and screw real quick. Got to say that not only is that rude to do in front of people, but it is in bad taste. Oh course she saw it as empowering. Not empowering anything, your just being a jackass and being proud of it doesn't help things.

No. Not what I'm talking about. But again, thanks for the insight.

 

[Arfonious]

As I am not a fan of violence (at least not in the REAL world), I would personally not lika a violent woman. However a non-violent woman is not nessecarily a woman who isn't strong. Most importantly is that a relationship is fair and that both parts enjoys it and wants it.

 

[Guitarmasterx7]

I guess I could see how that could have its advanta-

This is NOT a fetish, and certainly not a sexual one. I am not wanting to be a leather clad dominatrix. Sex is a different issue.

oh.

Seriously though, I don't want to be "mothered" per se in a relationship, but if you're completely unaffectionate and bitchy all the time then, what would make someone like you? I mean they're fine qualities for a FWB or something, but girlfriend? I dunno.

To be honest I don't really know you and I'm probably jumping the gun a bit, but by how you describe yourself I guess the first impression makes any commitment sound unappealing.

 

[Rawne1980]

I like women to have a bit of fire and backbone.

I don't need mothering.

I like a woman who puts me in my place and calls me out on shit and won't put up with any bollocks.

My wife is the boss of the house and thats how I like it. She doesn't take my crap. We had an argument when we first lived together and she told me to shut the fuck up, it was new, i'm used to people backing down from me and she didn't. She got my respect 100% from then on.

I was born and raised on rough arse estates. I've done Jeet Kune Do since I was 7, spent 12 years in the army and have a few friends who love bar fight.

Violence has been part of my life since I was a kid.

When it comes to my women, much like my wife now, I need one who can handle me and not be subservient.

I don't want a mother I want a women to be my partner.

 

[Lyri]

I've been using these forums for a while, but have changed my SN to break away from the people who don't share the same values. Start afresh, if you will.

I'm going to be straight with you guys. I'm not a calm, well-behaved lady. I can be quite fiery, quite aggressive, and you know what? I'm happy with that and who I am.

What I've found is, though, that people are not happy when women show even one ounce of strength or conviction in who they are. Even less so when they're aggressive rather than a pacifist. It's like men, in particular (if we're talking romantically) are looking for a relationship in which they are mothered. I'm not that sort of person, and don't want to be with someone who needs mothering. I've tried it once, it ended in disaster and I deviated so far from who I was, I just wasnt happy and neither was he. The relationship became monotone because I was so stifled by having to portray the 'expected' version of me.

So I come to you. What do YOU think about women with a more violent and hot-headed nature than the norm? Do you prefer women to be subtle? Mother you? Why do you prefer this? I'm supposing a lot of you play video games with particually 'strong' minded (and bodied) women, so when it comes to real life.. why do you want me down on my knees? (Hey, careful, I dont mean in that sense).

I'm not saying that I would go shank someone in the street or be completely irrational. I have a head on my shoulders. But I like violence (as play in a relationship, or as a happy relationship dynamic). I get a rise from it. And I'm fine with who I am.

Is it really so scary to men? I'm not looking for advice here, even though I do despair at the lack of relationship prospects for me. I can handle myself. I want insight into why so many men seem to need and expect passive women.

Don't worry about it, I have a thing for She-Hulk (Red She hulk mostly). Nothing like a strong warrior woman to make a man go DAAAAAYUM!
It's kind of a thing.

However on your note on play fighting, define.
If you're talking about like kids do, then I think you'd be a little odd honestly. It's not bad or anything like that but it's pretty off the wall for a twenty something.
If you mean just taking a dig in the arm and giving one back, minor stuff like that then yeah sure.
You remind me a lot of someone I know anyway whom I haven't spoken too in a while, must find a way of saying hi to her.

 

[IrisEver]

I guess I could see how that could have its advanta-

This is NOT a fetish, and certainly not a sexual one. I am not wanting to be a leather clad dominatrix. Sex is a different issue.

oh.

Seriously though, I don't want to be "mothered" per se in a relationship, but if you're completely unaffectionate and bitchy all the time then, what would make someone like you? I mean they're fine qualities for a FWB or something, but girlfriend? I dunno.

To be honest I don't really know you and I'm probably jumping the gun a bit, but by how you describe yourself I guess the first impression makes any commitment sound unappealing.

This is actually what I'm talking about. The moment a guy realises I'm not passive, they assume I would be unaffectionate and 'bitchy'. 'Bitchy' is far from who I am. It's crude and unecessary.

I can be extremely affectionate in relationships. I'm also completely loyal, and extremely commited. I'm thougtful of a partners feelings, of course, but I want a man who knows himself enough to not want me to wrap him in cotton wool.

I understand that relationships are there to enhance a persons life, but when it gets to the point where someone needs to be mothered.. theres something wrong for me. A man who understands that me not being passive doesn't mean I'm going to necessarily make his life a living hell, and that knnowing my own mind doesn't mean I'm a '*****'.

I think it's reasonable to point out here that I don't care for feminism. This isn't a feminist issue where I want to be a 'independent woman'. I'm already independent. I dont need to structure a relationship to prove that for myself. This is simply to do with my personality, and my nature, and how experience has shown me that it's unappealing to men. I'll admit -- yes, I feel quite lonely not being able to find someone who seems to want a woman like me, who doesnt want to change.

I'm simply talking about a forward and accepted relationship dyamic. And also wont cry if I pull him off the couch by his legs during a movie.

 

[PureChaos]

i don't want anything to do with anyone who is violent, whether they are male or female. hot headed is OK, i prefer women who are strong willed yet willing to compromise, but if i'm worried that something i say or do could cause a violent outburst i won't be hanging around. it's the same with my friends, if one of them could get violent i wouldn't be friends with them. one of my closest friends can get very angry but i've never known him be violent

 

[longboardfan]

Women who are hot headed, and violent, lack balance in their lives. They are always trying to get an edge, power over someone else, or just simply to continue to prove to someone else they they are . They aren't ready for a relationship, because they have no grounding with which to stand on in a relationship.

Men don't want to have to fight for control over a relationship. Its not that men want subservient women, its that women that are always trying to prove themselves don't know who they are yet. Its that lack of identity and firm foundation from which to build a relationship with that prevents men from flocking to women of this nature. There's a difference between strong and violent.

 

[IrisEver]

Women who are hot headed, and violent, lack balance in their lives. They are always trying to get an edge, power over someone else, or just simply to continue to prove to someone else they they are . They aren't ready for a relationship, because they have no grounding with which to stand on in a relationship.

Men don't want to have to fight for control over a relationship. Its not that men want subservient women, its that women that are always trying to prove themselves don't know who they are yet. Its that lack of identity and firm foundation from which to build a relationship with that prevents men from flocking to women of this nature. There's a difference between strong and violent.

Perhaps you're right, but I don't feel the need to prove anything at all. I know who I am, this is who I am, and this is the closeness I crave in a relationship.

There is a difference between strength and violence, yes. I would never say otherwise. They are two seperate things.

I think the bottom line is that I'm undesirable to others. That's fine with me.