Violent women.

[Lyri]

I've been using these forums for a while, but have changed my SN to break away from the people who don't share the same values. Start afresh, if you will.

I'm going to be straight with you guys. I'm not a calm, well-behaved lady. I can be quite fiery, quite aggressive, and you know what? I'm happy with that and who I am.

What I've found is, though, that people are not happy when women show even one ounce of strength or conviction in who they are. Even less so when they're aggressive rather than a pacifist. It's like men, in particular (if we're talking romantically) are looking for a relationship in which they are mothered. I'm not that sort of person, and don't want to be with someone who needs mothering. I've tried it once, it ended in disaster and I deviated so far from who I was, I just wasnt happy and neither was he. The relationship became monotone because I was so stifled by having to portray the 'expected' version of me.

So I come to you. What do YOU think about women with a more violent and hot-headed nature than the norm? Do you prefer women to be subtle? Mother you? Why do you prefer this? I'm supposing a lot of you play video games with particually 'strong' minded (and bodied) women, so when it comes to real life.. why do you want me down on my knees? (Hey, careful, I dont mean in that sense).

I'm not saying that I would go shank someone in the street or be completely irrational. I have a head on my shoulders. But I like violence (as play in a relationship, or as a happy relationship dynamic). I get a rise from it. And I'm fine with who I am.

Is it really so scary to men? I'm not looking for advice here, even though I do despair at the lack of relationship prospects for me. I can handle myself. I want insight into why so many men seem to need and expect passive women.

Don't worry about it, I have a thing for She-Hulk (Red She hulk mostly). Nothing like a strong warrior woman to make a man go DAAAAAYUM!
It's kind of a thing.

However on your note on play fighting, define.
If you're talking about like kids do, then I think you'd be a little odd honestly. It's not bad or anything like that but it's pretty off the wall for a twenty something.
If you mean just taking a dig in the arm and giving one back, minor stuff like that then yeah sure.
You remind me a lot of someone I know anyway whom I haven't spoken too in a while, must find a way of saying hi to her.

 

[IrisEver]

I guess I could see how that could have its advanta-

This is NOT a fetish, and certainly not a sexual one. I am not wanting to be a leather clad dominatrix. Sex is a different issue.

oh.

Seriously though, I don't want to be "mothered" per se in a relationship, but if you're completely unaffectionate and bitchy all the time then, what would make someone like you? I mean they're fine qualities for a FWB or something, but girlfriend? I dunno.

To be honest I don't really know you and I'm probably jumping the gun a bit, but by how you describe yourself I guess the first impression makes any commitment sound unappealing.

This is actually what I'm talking about. The moment a guy realises I'm not passive, they assume I would be unaffectionate and 'bitchy'. 'Bitchy' is far from who I am. It's crude and unecessary.

I can be extremely affectionate in relationships. I'm also completely loyal, and extremely commited. I'm thougtful of a partners feelings, of course, but I want a man who knows himself enough to not want me to wrap him in cotton wool.

I understand that relationships are there to enhance a persons life, but when it gets to the point where someone needs to be mothered.. theres something wrong for me. A man who understands that me not being passive doesn't mean I'm going to necessarily make his life a living hell, and that knnowing my own mind doesn't mean I'm a '*****'.

I think it's reasonable to point out here that I don't care for feminism. This isn't a feminist issue where I want to be a 'independent woman'. I'm already independent. I dont need to structure a relationship to prove that for myself. This is simply to do with my personality, and my nature, and how experience has shown me that it's unappealing to men. I'll admit -- yes, I feel quite lonely not being able to find someone who seems to want a woman like me, who doesnt want to change.

I'm simply talking about a forward and accepted relationship dyamic. And also wont cry if I pull him off the couch by his legs during a movie.

 

[PureChaos]

i don't want anything to do with anyone who is violent, whether they are male or female. hot headed is OK, i prefer women who are strong willed yet willing to compromise, but if i'm worried that something i say or do could cause a violent outburst i won't be hanging around. it's the same with my friends, if one of them could get violent i wouldn't be friends with them. one of my closest friends can get very angry but i've never known him be violent

 

[longboardfan]

Women who are hot headed, and violent, lack balance in their lives. They are always trying to get an edge, power over someone else, or just simply to continue to prove to someone else they they are . They aren't ready for a relationship, because they have no grounding with which to stand on in a relationship.

Men don't want to have to fight for control over a relationship. Its not that men want subservient women, its that women that are always trying to prove themselves don't know who they are yet. Its that lack of identity and firm foundation from which to build a relationship with that prevents men from flocking to women of this nature. There's a difference between strong and violent.

 

[IrisEver]

Women who are hot headed, and violent, lack balance in their lives. They are always trying to get an edge, power over someone else, or just simply to continue to prove to someone else they they are . They aren't ready for a relationship, because they have no grounding with which to stand on in a relationship.

Men don't want to have to fight for control over a relationship. Its not that men want subservient women, its that women that are always trying to prove themselves don't know who they are yet. Its that lack of identity and firm foundation from which to build a relationship with that prevents men from flocking to women of this nature. There's a difference between strong and violent.

Perhaps you're right, but I don't feel the need to prove anything at all. I know who I am, this is who I am, and this is the closeness I crave in a relationship.

There is a difference between strength and violence, yes. I would never say otherwise. They are two seperate things.

I think the bottom line is that I'm undesirable to others. That's fine with me.

 

[DannyHale09]

Being violent as a woman or a man is a horrible trait to have. It doesn't scare me. It's just unpleasant.

 

[Trololo Punk]

Yea, I like a girl that's opinionated, and can do things for herself. If I'm ever looking for a relationship, it's not a "your a girl, so you take care of me" one. Doesn't appeal to me really.

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

I'm happy with that and who I am.

That's all that matters.

Also, I'm not trying to have a go at your friends here, but it really does sound like you should stop associating with a load of wet blankets. I like fiery women. Most of my friends like fiery women. In my whole social circle, there are only two lasses I can think of that are proper 'girly girls'. My point here is that different people move in different circles, and it would seem (if you are under the impression that all men want submissive cuddling partners) that you've just been hanging around with the needy crowd.

 

[Daddy Go Bot]

I'm not a fan of violent people, period.

 

[Insideout Ink Demon]

I've been using these forums for a while, but have changed my SN to break away from the people who don't share the same values. Start afresh, if you will.

I'm going to be straight with you guys. I'm not a calm, well-behaved lady. I can be quite fiery, quite aggressive, and you know what? I'm happy with that and who I am.

What I've found is, though, that people are not happy when women show even one ounce of strength or conviction in who they are. Even less so when they're aggressive rather than a pacifist. It's like men, in particular (if we're talking romantically) are looking for a relationship in which they are mothered. I'm not that sort of person, and don't want to be with someone who needs mothering. I've tried it once, it ended in disaster and I deviated so far from who I was, I just wasnt happy and neither was he. The relationship became monotone because I was so stifled by having to portray the 'expected' version of me.

So I come to you. What do YOU think about women with a more violent and hot-headed nature than the norm? Do you prefer women to be subtle? Mother you? Why do you prefer this? I'm supposing a lot of you play video games with particually 'strong' minded (and bodied) women, so when it comes to real life.. why do you want me down on my knees? (Hey, careful, I dont mean in that sense).

I'm not saying that I would go shank someone in the street or be completely irrational. I have a head on my shoulders. But I like violence (as play in a relationship, or as a happy relationship dynamic). I get a rise from it. And I'm fine with who I am.

Is it really so scary to men? I'm not looking for advice here, even though I do despair at the lack of relationship prospects for me. I can handle myself. I want insight into why so many men seem to need and expect passive women.

i'd need a better description of what you mean as violent. i was following what you were saying when you said an aggressive female, but violence to the point of physical abuse would be a def no go for me, hense the want for clarity

 

[IrisEver]

I'm happy with that and who I am.

That's all that matters.

Also, I'm not trying to have a go at your friends here, but it really does sound like you should stop associating with a load of wet blankets. I like fiery women. Most of my friends like fiery women. In my whole social circle, there are only two lasses I can think of that are proper 'girly girls'. My point here is that different people move in different circles, and it would seem (if you are under the impression that all men want submissive cuddling partners) that you've just been hanging around with the needy crowd.

I think you're pretty spot on. I can accept others for who they are, but if I don't click then I can't force it. I'm not the type to want to keep superficial friendships, and I cannot jump at the chance of forming romantic relationships with someone if I don't believe I can get the kind of equality, trust, love, companionship and play that I care for.

I just can't find anyone. I'm going pretty good on my own since I accepted that I can't force anything, but sometimes I do wonder whether there is anyone out there that would want to be in my bubble.

I do cuddle, though.

 

[StANDY1338]

Ok first of all being agressive in a relationship is domestic abuse and in my opinion something horrible that should not be allowed. You know if you said you were a man and then went on to state that your agressive and women don't like that but you don't care. It would have a much different response.

Secondly by saying im going to do what I want and not care what men say. Is basically saying men are superior. I am going to write on the walls and I don't care what mummy says. I am going to do this and I don't care what teacher says. Making a big deal of how your fighting male oppression and what not essentualy validates that view.

 

[ExileNZ]

As someone who grew up with his fair share of violent girls (and eventually violent women), I can tell you that while I prefer a woman who can stand up for herself, unnecessary violence from a woman is no more appreciated than unnecessary violence from a guy.

I don't expect my guy friends to hit me or call me 'fag' just because I'm not a meathead, I don't really want that from a partner either.

 

[Lead Herring]

Maybe you've misdiagnosed the problem here. Maybe it's not that men are put off by your confidence but rather you may have a knack for offending people. While it's true that you shouldn't try to be someone you're not to please someone your interested in, sometimes you do need to change certain mannerisms in order for a relationship to work (eg, an easygoing but lazy guy may have to become more proactive, but he shouldn't have to act aggressive to please his significant other.)

On the other hand, it could just be that your going after the wrong guys, especially if you've drawn this conclusion from the results of one or two dates-gone-wrong. While you are correct that a lot of guys dislike a strong willed girl, I've heard enough opinions to suggest that just as many admire that trait in a woman. My guess is that less confidant guys feel intimidated by stronger willed girls, and confidence is not a trait typified by geeks. You see, your statement about guys liking strong women in video games doesn't really say much as, in a videogame, you interact with them through an idealized male protagonist (I'm sure the Grey Warden never has to deal with sweaty palms or acne).

Hope that helps.

I think I do have a knack of offending people, yes.

I don't mean he should act aggressive. I simply mean that he wouldn't sway or run from a woman with a more aggressive personality. He would enjoy a woman initiating a 'playfight'. I mean simply enjoying a certain relationship dynamic.

From my standpoint, I find it hard to understand how someone cannot see how what I'm saying is different to 'I want to stab everyone and land people in hospital' or 'I want to terrify/lord it over any boyfriend I have'. I'm not saying a guy would just have to deal with my nature if he wants to be with me, or back down (I wouldnt like it if he did) I'm talking about a mesh of personality. I still mean both parties feeling safe and loved.

A certain dynamic that seems to be more accepted man-man than it is woman-man, and asking why men prefer more passive women but still admire strength and willfullness in general? Okay, maybe a lot of men don't admire outright violence in the most understood sense of the word. I can understand that. But crude violence is not what I mean.

Thank you for your insight. I do see a lot of people here saying they admire women who are not pacifists. Unfortunately, I still look like a sociopath! That's my fault. I think another problem is that, perhaps, maybe I'm just not 'usual'.

Forever alone.

Don't get too hung up on my example, I only ment that in both your case and the hypothetical guy's case, the person doesnt need to change their personality, if that makes any sense.

I was just thinking though, how have your past boyfriends reacted to your playfighting and teasing. If they gave you any feed back after the relationship ended that could also be useful in refining your approach to relationships.

 

[Nouw]

Anyone being violent isn't a plus for me.

 

[Daddy Go Bot]

Anyone being violent isn't a plus for me.

Indeed. There's a difference between standing up for yourself and being straight up violent.

 

[Dogstile]

So you're more aggressive than the average woman? You don't enjoy it when you get treated like some frail girl?

Well hell, you just described the female friends of mine I get along with the best. There isn't really an issue with how you are, I think its more of an issue with the type of men you meet. Its very common for men to have the whole superiority complex and don't enjoy it when they get a girl who can hit em right back with some banter while talking.

My suggestion? Just continue being who you are, relationship prospects be damned. Many men don't like it when the "weaker" (look, quote marks! Not my view) sex gets to play rough.

I personally call such men pansies.

Edit: Reading some other responses, I would like to clear this up for other escapists.

She isn't talking about full on punching a bloke in the nose for kicks or finding a bloke who will roll over. She's talking about a bloke who can deal with her being just as aggressive as he can be.


Because some people seem to be missing the point.

Edit edit:

You know, I think I have an answer for you. You remind me a hell of a lot like a couple blokes I hang out with from your descriptions. It might creep people out because you're not quite like the typical girls they've been brought up to expect.

 

[Nouw]

Then I suggest her to edit her thread title and parts of her OP. I wouldn't call that violent. No, there's a different word for that. Something along the lines of 'breaking the stereotype in not an extreme way.' Sadly, all my female friends who are violent are complete bitches who feel that they're in the right for treating me like shit.

 

[MasterOfWorlds]

Do you mean assertive, or actually aggressive? Because I don't think many people (men or women) like aggressive people in general. If you started acting aggressive towards me, I'd be aggressive right back, woman or no.

Now, that's not to say that I don't like women that have a little fire in them as it were. I do. A lot. I even like to be slapped around a bit, but not if it's in the mean spirit of aggression. I don't think people should try to be who they're not, but you might want to try rethinking the "agressive" part of your self-description, and maybe see if assertive isn't actually what you are.

Short version: Assertive good, aggressive bad.