Religion, my best friend's parents saying she would no longer be talking to me, many other things...
What has ruined YOUR life?
- Thread starter Illesdan
- Start date
Depression... suicidal depression. True, causeless, depression.
Still not 100% over it. True depression is a pain in the arse and when it hits during the teenage years it can be the worse. I stopped going to school, stopped even getting out of bed and generally thought about offing myself every passing day. I told no one I cared about of this though, as with true depression you don't want the pity or attention of those around you. One day my mother walked in while I was blooding myself, one of the few things that has been known to work to stop depression. She panicked, took me to get stitched up thinking it was a life attempt, and I was put on anti-depressents.
That made it a hell of a lot worse. Now I just wasn't depressed 24/7, no I was depressed 24/7 AND completely numb to emotions. The only thing stopping me from killing myself was thinking on those who cared, for reasons I still can't fathom, about me. It worked for many others, I later heard, and it did for me. I would think on these people, and how they would feel if I killed myself and it make it just bearable to push onwards cause I didn't want to inflict that sort of pain.
Without emotions it became harder and harder to do that though, I couldn't feel anything let alone empathy. One day cold hard logic kicked me in the arse, as that was all I had left. I was looking at the pills and thinking "They handed me the way to kill myself, those bastards." After that I stopped taking the pills and battled through the worse of the depression as best I could.
It ruined my schooling though, I don't boast about myself but I am quite quick in the mind which is part of the problem. Now all I have on my report card is all Fs, that is what happens when you don't turn up to sit a single test but are smart enough to fool the system into thinking you are still going to school. I didn't even turn up for the whole of the last year and still somehow got a card saying I completed high school.
Makes me wonder what I would of done with my life if I hadn't been depressed those years though. Not to say my life isn't good as it is, I have seen the world and not many Australians get the chance to do that. I've done a lot of things, experienced a lot of things, and still have plans now to go forth and experience more things. Work is a leash and thanks to that depression, ironically, it isn't a leash that I feel compelled to wear.
Even toying with the idea of Waltzing Matilda for a while.
PS: One of the things that helped break the cycle of depressive, negative, thoughts was Cannabis. If it was legal down here then maybe I never would of suffered to begin with. Even now I go through periods of depression and Cannabis breaks the cycle of negative thoughts that goes with it so damn easily, if I am lucky enough to get some.
Still not 100% over it. True depression is a pain in the arse and when it hits during the teenage years it can be the worse. I stopped going to school, stopped even getting out of bed and generally thought about offing myself every passing day. I told no one I cared about of this though, as with true depression you don't want the pity or attention of those around you. One day my mother walked in while I was blooding myself, one of the few things that has been known to work to stop depression. She panicked, took me to get stitched up thinking it was a life attempt, and I was put on anti-depressents.
That made it a hell of a lot worse. Now I just wasn't depressed 24/7, no I was depressed 24/7 AND completely numb to emotions. The only thing stopping me from killing myself was thinking on those who cared, for reasons I still can't fathom, about me. It worked for many others, I later heard, and it did for me. I would think on these people, and how they would feel if I killed myself and it make it just bearable to push onwards cause I didn't want to inflict that sort of pain.
Without emotions it became harder and harder to do that though, I couldn't feel anything let alone empathy. One day cold hard logic kicked me in the arse, as that was all I had left. I was looking at the pills and thinking "They handed me the way to kill myself, those bastards." After that I stopped taking the pills and battled through the worse of the depression as best I could.
It ruined my schooling though, I don't boast about myself but I am quite quick in the mind which is part of the problem. Now all I have on my report card is all Fs, that is what happens when you don't turn up to sit a single test but are smart enough to fool the system into thinking you are still going to school. I didn't even turn up for the whole of the last year and still somehow got a card saying I completed high school.
Makes me wonder what I would of done with my life if I hadn't been depressed those years though. Not to say my life isn't good as it is, I have seen the world and not many Australians get the chance to do that. I've done a lot of things, experienced a lot of things, and still have plans now to go forth and experience more things. Work is a leash and thanks to that depression, ironically, it isn't a leash that I feel compelled to wear.
Even toying with the idea of Waltzing Matilda for a while.
PS: One of the things that helped break the cycle of depressive, negative, thoughts was Cannabis. If it was legal down here then maybe I never would of suffered to begin with. Even now I go through periods of depression and Cannabis breaks the cycle of negative thoughts that goes with it so damn easily, if I am lucky enough to get some.
CMPS 130 Introduction to computer graphics with OpenGL at UCSC
Before that class I thought game development was one of those mystical things that only supernatural beings could accomplish. After that class I realized it was within my reach and I started striving for it. I gave up on a nice normal programming career of databases and WebPages in order to pursue shaders and particle physics. Six years later and I still haven't broken into the industry. I probably could be making a lot more than I do now if I had stuck with conventional programming but I still want to live the dream.
Before that class I thought game development was one of those mystical things that only supernatural beings could accomplish. After that class I realized it was within my reach and I started striving for it. I gave up on a nice normal programming career of databases and WebPages in order to pursue shaders and particle physics. Six years later and I still haven't broken into the industry. I probably could be making a lot more than I do now if I had stuck with conventional programming but I still want to live the dream.
A combination of myself and a few other people, but mainly myself.
One of those people opening admitted to me that they had been emotionally blackmailing, mindfucking and trying to manipulate how I think and expected me to be ok with it. In fact, they expected me to put them before everyone else forever and talk to them all the time. When I said that if I were to get into a relationship that, that may change so they changed their tactics to: Love me or I kill myself. Thing is, I like them but they do not like me; they just don't want me to leave them.
We're still best friends.
One of those people opening admitted to me that they had been emotionally blackmailing, mindfucking and trying to manipulate how I think and expected me to be ok with it. In fact, they expected me to put them before everyone else forever and talk to them all the time. When I said that if I were to get into a relationship that, that may change so they changed their tactics to: Love me or I kill myself. Thing is, I like them but they do not like me; they just don't want me to leave them.
We're still best friends.