What's the point of having a girlfriend/boyfriend?

[FamoFunk]

Basically, so you get laid pretty much whenever.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Hmmm... in that case I personally wouldn't call you perfect relationship material, but then again who is?

Besides, according to your profile you're 20/21. It's not like people of our age are fully mature and have no growing left, plenty of life ahead.

And if a great girl shows up in the meantime I'd personally go for it. Maybe it won't last, but if she's right it will be good while it does. Maybe you'll mature during the relationship and it will last. Maybe she'll think I'm a whiny bastard and you're fine the way you are. No harm in trying.

Well, don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm trying to make up for my inadequaties through a girl, some kind of step up. I just want certain things that only a relationship can bring. That wanting comes and goes in waves, and when things go bad and I really want a listening ear and a shoulder to rest on, I long for a girlfriend. But at other times, like right now, I'm fine again.

And really, is that so weird? Would that make me crappy relationship material? Would it make me clingy or something? Because I don't want to be, I can be quite content on my own and I wouldn't want to do without my 'me' time, there are just (plenty of) moments I would (really) like the kind of companionship that having a relationship brings.

 

[squeekenator]

it seems someone hasnt hit puberty just yet. because when people get old enough they like to spend time with someone else on a more intimate level.

personally i look for a best friend, someone i can spend car free time with and someone to depend on.

Well that wasn't at all condescending. Since the OP is 21 years old, the chance that he hasn't hit puberty is fairly slim. Perhaps you could accept that some people have different needs and wants to you?

 

[James Joseph Emerald]

it seems someone hasnt hit puberty just yet. because when people get old enough they like to spend time with someone else on a more intimate level.

Hah, what? Are you kidding? I hit puberty when I was 12. And I'm only two years younger than you!
I mean, what, had you not hit puberty yet at 21?

That's such a dismissive attitude. "Oh, you're a recluse? You must be some sort of developmentally stunted man-child. Get a girlfriend and be normal, dude!"
Bull. Shit.

 

[Hagi]

Exactly! Although I do kinda hope I end up with a girl, but who knows. Maybe there's a guy out there who I'll go gay for. Stranger things have happened.

Also high five on the same motto (different languages though)[footnote]And yes, I'm the creepy stalker kind of guy who checks all the profiles from everyone who replies to him.[/footnote].

No problem! I do the same thing

Still hoping to open a profile one day and find a picture of a kangaroo or maybe a hippo where you normally have your gender sign or flag. That'd be awesome.

But so far the best thing I came across was you having the same motto, most other profiles are rather boring. There's a distinct lack of hippos and kangaroos frequenting this website....

 

[Tazelot]

Validation. The same reason i assume people want kids. So they feel like they're worth a damn and they have something to show for it. "Look at this" they say, "I am a functional member of the greater society!"

Alright, too cynical. But i have reason to be. I'm a 21 year old virgin who most likely won't be in any sort of position to rectify that in the near future. I've had to suffer however long secondary school is in an all boys school without the social contacts required to meet any girls outside of school. As a coping mechanism, i told myself that i'm perfectly comfortable being by myself and that i have more time (and money not being spent on pursuing lovers) to myself to do things that i want to do. And it's true, i do. But still i have this forever niggling worm in the back of my head that tells me that just won't do. That i'm abnormal and that i've failed myself because i seem utterly incapable of relating to people, let alone forming relationships. I feel like i'm in a rut and that the only way out of it is to find someone who will, in a psuedo-biblical manner, lift this mighty burden of failure from my tired shoulders. I feel like if i had a girlfriend, i'd begin to hate myself less and feel like less of a failure in the eyes of the world and myself. I'd resent people less and reject this hermit-like lifestyle that i've forced myself into. In other words, i would feel like my existence would be validated by someone else and that would drive me to change into a better person.

If you actually need a boy- or girlfriend then I don't think you're going to have a good relationship, because you're not a full person on your own. You need someone else.

It's a nice thought, but honestly, what are those of us supposed to do who have that singular need by merit of feeling like we're worth nothing? When we've hit rock bottom, when we hate ourselves to the point of giving up entirely. Having someone who believes in you, loves you regardless of your flaws, can be enough to lift you out of that heart of darkness. Honestly, i've never really bought nor understood this whole "be a full person / be yourself / go do some soulsearching" trite that people come out with. If it was that easy, that niggling voice wouldn't have pounded me into submission already. You try dealing with an inner voice that talks to you like shit for a couple of years and then come back and say that. It feels like the people who do come out with "you shouldn't enter a relationship because you're using it to cover up your flaws" are always the ones fortunate enough to never have those flaws to begin with and so are in no position to make such statements. Do i sound bitter?

In a more optimistic light, having a girlfriend or boyfriend gives you a feeling of companionship that can only be shared between you. Think of it as 'levelling up' a friendship, if you like. You might be able to have a laugh with your mates, but you can tell your partner anything and know that they would (hopefully) listen and support you, regardless of what it is. You know you have someone who cares for you and that you care for in equal measure. It's enough to drive you to do impressive things, to get that job you wanted, to do what it takes to make that person happy. For me, the real reason of having a girlfriend is to hopefully make it to the stage where you're in love - because the feeling of love is, in a word, indescribable.

Longest damn quote, anyway, here goes. I've not been where you've been or lived through the same things you have. But when I read your text I got nostalgic, and thought back on my first relationship. I used to have some little deamons in my head, when I was younger, and my first girlfriend pretty much helped me remove them. She made me feel really good about myself, boosted my selfesteem and gave me some other boosts that my closest friends were unable to give me. My friends are, in my eyes, exceptional people with whom I can share my innermost feelings and thoughts (atlest a handful of them are that close), but they just couldn't give me that thing which I needed at that stage in life.
Thats the word I'm focusing on here, need. Yes, I needed my first girlfriend to feel better, to cover up and fix my flaws. Yes, she made me a better person and I'm thankful that I met her. Did the relationship last? Well, you've noticed I refer to her as "first", so, no, it did not. I guess I couldn't offer her more then my exterior, while she helped my build my own interior, which made the relationship slightly one sided after a few years. Also, parts of her family strongly disliked me. Anyway, I grew from the experience, and it really helped me realize that what Hagi is saying is the truth. You don't need to be perfect or flawless, such people don't exist (in my opinion). You do on the other hand need to learn to love, and accept, thyself, for who you are. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that a needy relationship might not lead to all shitty results, I'm really happy with myself, she's engaged and recently bought a house. You just got to have the courage to end such a relationship.

To the threadmaker: I feel fine when I'm not in a relationship but it does kill my libido. Which probably is good anyway since I really hate clubbing, one night stands and such. With my studies I've got more then enough to fill my time, should I ever have an open slot in my schedule. I also feel fine in a relationship, as long as the counterpart accepts me as I am. A relationship shouldn't be dead weight on your shoulders, both persons should get something positive out of it. This is fundamental and easliy understood (in my eyes at least). The most important thing for me is that me and my partner work good togheter in normal situations, that we can respect each others needs (to be alone, to chase our dreams, sexual desires etc.) and that we feel something, a deeper connection and attraction, towards one another (call it love, if you will, but that is just a four letter word).
If I really like a person, and that person encourages me and/or assists me to reach my dreams, thats something I want. I don't need it, I can make things happen on my own. But having somone who cheers you on when things go right and has open arms ready for you to sulk in when things go wrong is something I do want. Being able to give that person what she gives to me also brings me tons of joy.

I hope some of the above made any kind of sense. Cheers to you Hagi (wether you read this or not), always a pleasure to read your writings.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Unfortunately, whether you are a social person or not you do need social skills and people around you that you can trust and empathise with to get by in the world, you just do.

Not necessarily. I've gotten by pretty well in life (to some extent), and I've never had to trust anyone. To be frank, investing trust and/or empathy in anyone is a pretty dumb idea, as anyone, right or wrong, can and usually does take advantage of those, and the one investing probably wouldn't know until there's a dagger sticking out of their back.

True to a very one-sided extent, but it is also equally true that if you refuse to ever try and connect with anyone then you'll have no-one to watch your back when things inevitably go tits up for you, as must happen to everyone at some point. Add that to the fact that to get anywhere significant in this world you need to be able to interact with other people even if you have no intention of being friends with them, and shunning everyone around you (thus removing the need to ever advance your social skills) will put you at a serious disadvantage in unavoidable social situations.

Point is, you can be the strongest, smartest, most talented person in the world, but you still won't be strong/smart/talented to overcome everything on your own. Often you will place your trust in the wrong people, and sometimes even the right people will let you down. But arguing that this is an excuse to never give anyone around you a chance is just as foolish as the 'sometimes bad things happen, I've now completely lost my faith in humanity' argument.

 

[Mr. 47]

Must. Resist. Making. Stereotypical antisocial nerd joke.

Love. When you really care about someone, you want to spend time with them. I was, and still am, very reclusive, I spend most of my time alone I'm just not that sociable, but when I met someone who I cared for, I wanted to spend more time with her, then with myself, I was simply happy being around her.

If not for love, to ward off lonelyness and for sex.

 

[Dags90]

Opening stubborn jars, and heavy lifting? That seems like it would be a nice perk for me. Also, convenient sexy times.

 

[Jonluw]

Well, OP's views and life-story pretty much reflect my own (save for the fact that I'm 18), and I've often wondered the same thing.
Guess I oughta read the thread.

 

[Aur0ra145]

Engaging in relationships with others helps prepare you for marriage. You might think you'll make a great husband or wife just because you're the way you are; but, you're entirely wrong. Relationships are hard, you have to work at them. They help you develop as a person and lets face it; it really helps with empathy.

One day you'll find out that it isn't all about you.

My girlfriend keeps me very happy, makes my life brighter.
and keeps me out of trouble.

Also this

 

[FireScythe1992]

Because the good relationships are ultimately worth it and very rewarding. I've had my first girlfriend for 19 months now and I am extremely happy. It just feels great knowing someone cares about you as much as you care about them. If that's not for you, however, that's fine too. To each his own.

 

[PissOffRoth]

... I've decided to be proud of the fact that I'm secure in myself enough to enjoy my own company ...

If you're secure enough to enjoy your own company, you don't need anyone else. Don't let anyone tell you that you're less of a person for being introverted. You will probably accomplish more in your life and be happier in life than they ever will. It is the people that need others to validate themselves and to stop them from self-analysis that makes them the pathetic ones. You will find your self worth and peace a hell of a lot sooner than they will, assuming they ever do. If you ever do find someone that makes you feel more whole than you already do, then don't hesitate to take that chance to know them. But never let anyone tell you that you're lesser just because you're not a social butterfly.

Sorry for the rant, but I am just as introverted as you are and I've been told that all my life. Don't take that shit from anyone. You'll be much happier for it.

 

[ERaptor]

I never had a Girlfriend, mostly because all women i met are fixed on looks or are turned of as soon as i get to the "im a nerd" thing. At first that depressed me, when i was around 14 or 15. Now im 18 and i stopped giving a damn about having a gf. In my opinion its not a neccesity (did i write that right, sorry im from switzerland^^) and not worth wasting my time on looking for one.

But i saw people being happy in a relationship, so it cant entirely be a bad thing. I fully understand the OP, i also need alot of me-time^^ So in short i feel happy for everyone that has a gf or bf that they really like, even if i wont have one myself since 99% of the poeple in my country are look-fixed Idiots, or maybe im just an ass and dont deserve one.

 

[Jimmy T. Malice]

I'm not really sure, to be honest. There's obviously a deep-seated biological need to get together and reproduce, but personally I don't see the point. Companionship is an obvious perk, but it can be easier to have close friends than a romantic partner.

 

[Tiberiu Paul Iordache]

I never had a Girlfriend, mostly because all women i met are fixed on looks or are turned of as soon as i get to the "im a nerd" thing. At first that depressed me, when i was around 14 or 15. Now im 18 and i stopped giving a damn about having a gf. In my opinion its not a neccesity (did i write that right, sorry im from switzerland^^) and not worth wasting my time on looking for one.

But i saw people being happy in a relationship, so it cant entirely be a bad thing. I fully understand the OP, i also need alot of me-time^^ So in short i feel happy for everyone that has a gf or bf that they really like, even if i wont have one myself since 99% of the poeple in my country are look-fixed Idiots, or maybe im just an ass and dont deserve one.

Dude, I can feel your pain.I also have never had a gf (and I'm 20, still a virgin). I am exactly the same way, nerdy and geeky. I like learning about things (especially stuff I find interesting) and I like geeky things (super heroes, video games, soundtracks, good fantasies, etc.) but every time this subject reaches people they just don't seem to give a damn. Maybe I live with too many people who have no interest in these things because only some of my guy friends understand these things. The girls I talk with couldn't give a rat's arse. And I'm not about to try and make them become interested.

Some of my closer friends have told me that I seem to give off this impression of being bored or annoyed by other people because of my facial expression. Maybe they're right but it's not like I can fake looking impressed or happy for someone else 'cause people see right through that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people try to judge me based solely on what I look or say at a certain moment. I tend to be a deep and complicated guy with different viewpoints than the average dudes. Some of my friends and even relatives have told me I should be more superficial because it would benefit me. I can't stress enough that I can NOT nor do I wish to be superficial. I don't want to have a gf for sex, I want something real, something that can last because I'm already emotionally fragile as it is.

 

[TheKramers]

First off, I don't want to make this thread about me, but I feel I should give context to my viewpoint by explaining two things about me...

Spoiler: Spoiler-tagged, so you're not hit with a wall of text

Firstly, I'm quite reclusive. It's previously been the source of much embarrassment and self-loathing because almost everyone puts pressure on me to "come out of my shell" (especially in Ireland, where being reclusive is so unheard-of people treat it like being a heroin addict or something), but in the last few years I've come to the realisation (after trying to force myself to be more sociable and failing on many occasions), that being reclusive is an integral part of who I am. In fact, I've decided to be proud of the fact that I'm secure in myself enough to enjoy my own company, and I think it's kind of pitiable when people need to spend every waking moment with another person because they're too dull or afraid to be alone with themselves (to be clear: I don't mean people who socialise are pitiable, I mean people who have no hobbies, or even a proper personal life outside of hanging with their friends and partying all the time. I've known people like that. They think they're "living life to the fullest" and that I should be more like them. But when they're on their own, they complain about how bored they are and beg people to hang out with them. That's what I find pitiable.)

Secondly, contrary to what you might be thinking, girls often come on to me. I went through a bit of an ugly phase in secondary school, so I know what it's like to be invisible to women. But it built character, and now the compensatory charm and humility that came with being unattractive works to magnify my current handsomeness. Plus there's about a dozen other ways in which I'm awesome (my sense of modesty still needs work though). It's funny how much nicer women are to me now that I'm one of the hot guys, though. They're just as bad as men when it comes to thinking with their reproductive organs, really.

Anyway, I don't really understand what the point of being in a relationship is, at least at my stage in life (21-year-old college student). I love that feeling, when everything you're supposed to do is done, and you have a whole day to spend on yourself, doing whatever you want. I tend to begrudge anything or anyone that tries to take it away from me. And I especially resent it when people feel entitled to my free time. Of the few relationships I've started, they inevitably end because the girl wants to waste an entire day "just hanging out", and either I refuse and she gets pissed off, or I relent and end up thinking of her as a chore. Are all relationships like that? Am I just being uncompromising?

A lot of my friends are starting to get girlfriends/boyfriends, and when I ask them why, they say things such as "for the sex" or "it's like having a friend you can screw" or "it's so nice to have someone to cuddle and get affection from" or "someone to pick you up when you're feeling down" (here's a fun game: guess the genders of the speakers!). But I don't really feel the need for any of that. And I have a suspicion that's the key word: need. I have a theory that all relationships (romantic or otherwise) are formed on the basis of mutual need. And, being content on my own, I don't really feel the need for a girlfriend. But maybe that's just me rationalising my own failure to commit (as a pop psych women's mag dating columnist might say).

What do you think? What's the point of being in a relationship? What do you gain out of it (or hope to gain out of it, if you're not in one)? And what do you lose out of it? Is it worth it?

I didn't bother to read anyone else's reply on this, in fact I didn't even read your post, I'm just going to tell you what's happened to me.

I have never really asked anyone out, although I've always wanted to, I just never got around to it, maybe because I'm shy, maybe because I never felt enough of a connection. My whole life I've wanted a girlfriend, I just never did. I was honestly beginning to doubt whether I'd ever have one, and I had pretty much given up on trying.

Until, one day, July 12th of 2009, I met a girl and there was an instant connection like you couldn't even imagine; it was literally like she was my other half. Ever since then, she's been my whole world. All my best memories are with her and I don't know where I'd be without her. And even though, she lives four hours away, that isn't even an obstacle because she is worth that and so much more. She makes me happier than I've ever been before I met her and honestly, thinking back, I have no idea what I thought my life would be like when I grew up, but now I know that whatever my life will be like in twenty years, I know I'll be happy with the girl of my dreams.

In fact, I never even had to ask her out, since the day we met, we knew we were meant to be together. One month later I asked her to marry me. We'll be getting married next year and we will be together until the day we die, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I honestly couldn't tell you the point of having a boyfriend/girlfriend is, because I'e never had one. All it looks like to me is wasted time. When I was still in school, I hated seeing the pointless squabbles between boyfriend and girlfriend that are a direct result of them never meaning to be together in the first place. Unless you meet the one (and believe me if you do, you will know and so will he/she) your relationship is doomed to fail* before it even begins.

*My definition of fail in terms of a relationship is when both parties of the relationship aren't completely content with their partner. In other words, there are many forces marriages that succeed throughout the world. The two partners stay together either because divorce is unacceptable in their culture, or perhaps for the sake of their child or for any multitue of other reasons; but they aren't truely happy with each other unless they feel that connection and know that the other person is absolutely the one for them.

P.S. if you're a virgin, sex is awesome, you gotta try it sometime =p I'm lucky my soulmate is hot =p

 

[TheKramers]

snip

Dude, I can feel your pain.I also have never had a gf (and I'm 20, still a virgin). I am exactly the same way, nerdy and geeky. I like learning about things (especially stuff I find interesting) and I like geeky things (super heroes, video games, soundtracks, good fantasies, etc.) but every time this subject reaches people they just don't seem to give a damn. Maybe I live with too many people who have no interest in these things because only some of my guy friends understand these things. The girls I talk with couldn't give a rat's arse. And I'm not about to try and make them become interested.

Some of my closer friends have told me that I seem to give off this impression of being bored or annoyed by other people because of my facial expression. Maybe they're right but it's not like I can fake looking impressed or happy for someone else 'cause people see right through that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people try to judge me based solely on what I look or say at a certain moment. I tend to be a deep and complicated guy with different viewpoints than the average dudes. Some of my friends and even relatives have told me I should be more superficial because it would benefit me. I can't stress enough that I can NOT nor do I wish to be superficial. I don't want to have a gf for sex, I want something real, something that can last because I'm already emotionally fragile as it is.

That's exactly how I was before I met my girl, and once I did, everything changed. Believe me, you're doing it the right way, just keep looking for the one and when you find her, I guarantee you'll be happy you waited and didn't pretend to be someone you weren't because the girl who finally does love you will love you for who you are, and there's nothing in the world better.

I'm not really sure, to be honest. There's obviously a deep-seated biological need to get together and reproduce, but personally I don't see the point. Companionship is an obvious perk, but it can be easier to have close friends than a romantic partner.

You're being too analytical about it; you've obviously never felt true love. It's not about companionship, which can be gained from friends, it is about love. Real love. Unless you've felt it, you can't understand it, it's that simple.

Honestly, what you posted is probably the exact same thing I would've posted three years ago.

 

[FirstPersonWinner]

You need to find a girl who likes to do what you do so hanging out doesn't feel so suck-ish.

Plus, I agree that it is good to be able to be alone and just be kind of zhen, so you probably want to make sure that whoever your with isn't the super clingy, let's hang out all the time kind of girl.

Truthfully there is no need for you to get a girlfriend, it is more of a personal thing. Just make sure that you do hang out with humans every so often, since it's just plain good for you.