What's the point of having a girlfriend/boyfriend?
- Thread starter James Joseph Emerald
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Empathy, companionship, regular sex, the general good feeling of knowing that at least one person would actually give a damn if you weren't around...
I find it very hard to be comfortable around new people at first, especially in high pressure social situations. I went through a period where I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone and I was fine on my own. Now obviously I don't know whether your thing is just a phase or if it's an integral part of who you are. But I will say this. If you are asking that everyone around you be exactly to your liking then you are asking too much, especially when it comes to relationships. Nobody is perfect and even if you find your soul-mate I guarantee there will be at least 1 thing about them that frustrates you. Unfortunately, whether you are a social person or not you do need social skills and people around you that you can trust and empathise with to get by in the world, you just do.
I find it very hard to be comfortable around new people at first, especially in high pressure social situations. I went through a period where I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone and I was fine on my own. Now obviously I don't know whether your thing is just a phase or if it's an integral part of who you are. But I will say this. If you are asking that everyone around you be exactly to your liking then you are asking too much, especially when it comes to relationships. Nobody is perfect and even if you find your soul-mate I guarantee there will be at least 1 thing about them that frustrates you. Unfortunately, whether you are a social person or not you do need social skills and people around you that you can trust and empathise with to get by in the world, you just do.
I suppose it depends on how much you value being on your own. For me, having time to myself is a necessity: without it I go from happy to dull to depressed to insane. The less time I spend on my own, the less content and emotionally stable I feel. Being on my own charges up my social batteries, and having a girlfriend is like a constant drain on them. So, in that way, I find commitment to be a negative.Hagi said:
Time to myself is a necessity to myself as well. I can very much relate to what you're saying. I'm pretty sure I've used the term "social batteries" myself a few times.James Joseph Emerald said:
But I don't think that's mutually exclusive with commitment. To me commitment doesn't mean being together all the time. To me commitment means caring deeply about a person and striving for their happiness as well as your own.
But it has to be mutual. That means that at times, when she needs me, I'll skip on time for myself so I can be with her. But it also means that she'll give me the room to be alone when I need it.
I've spend a year in South Africa in which I was really alone, as in not having a single actual conversation (besides strictly work-related ones and absolutely nothing more) in 3 months. I don't know how much time you spend on your own and how much time you need, but for me there's also such a thing as too much time alone.
So I'd like a committed partner who'll give me time for myself when I need it and spend time with me when I need that. One that I can spend time with when she needs me or leave alone if she needs that. But mostly just someone who's an amazing amount of fun to be with, wants to spend time with me and that I can trust.
But I'll see, as I said in another post, I think good relationships require you to be able to live a happy fulfilling life on your own. So I'll live my own life and if I find someone who's able to improve that life and whose life I can improve I'll pounce.
All of that I don't really consider a mature and rational attitude.TrilbyWill said:
Rational people don't spend their life's savings on a singular event. A big party may be fine at times, but they know restraint.
Mature people are able to let go and move on. Second chances may be fine at times, but they know that you can't undo and reset things.
As long as you stay mature and rational I think a good committed relationship is able to provide something very special and unique.
Companionship fool!
I am pretty lucky that my current girlfriend is pretty understanding and doesn't want to spend all of her life with me. She cooks for me. She doesn't mind if I hang out other guys or girls. I don't have to pay for everything--we normally take turns. We talk things through and she tends to balance me out when I am all moody. Honestly, it's just about finding the right one I think....
I am pretty lucky that my current girlfriend is pretty understanding and doesn't want to spend all of her life with me. She cooks for me. She doesn't mind if I hang out other guys or girls. I don't have to pay for everything--we normally take turns. We talk things through and she tends to balance me out when I am all moody. Honestly, it's just about finding the right one I think....
... I find it difficult trying to find an answer to such a question for the simple reason that the two relationships of significance that I had both ended very very badly. Do I regret how they ended? Of course I do, but there's almost fuck all I could do about them. Do I regret the relationships themselves? Not a damned second.James Joseph Emerald said:
Therefore, I will answer thusly: you will not be satisfied by any answer anyone gives you until you yourself experience the profound and (probably) life-changing nature that is a connection with another individual so strong and thrilling that you wonder 'where the hell have you been all my life?' (age sensitive, true, but it sort of still applies). Affection, sex, companionship, commitment etc. etc. are only aspects of what a relationship should be, and can very easily be understood individually, but taken together and you'll have a couple of very cosy (and probably annoying) people talking a language that you don't understand, and the point being, they don't really care that you don't understand. That's the definition of 'life-partner', that another person suffices in the stead of the entire remainder of the world. That is not to be taken literally as humans are (naturally) social creatures. But having such a person in your life is not about your well being, and even that of your partner, but that of you as a couple. Example: biggest Freudian slip by my then girlfriend, she often referred to us in the first person singular, or once even referred to me in the first person singular. Creepy? To you, probably. To me? I trusted her enough to speak for me to the extent that she could speak as me, if that makes any sense.
It is when a relationship reaches a depth of strength and complexity that you can't be bothered to explain it to anyone, least of all yourselves. Then you understand the point of having a 'girlfriend/boyfriend'.
Sorry, I'm rambling...
Still, should that be insufficient, then, I'll just say...
I agree with this guy here.Hagi said:
I say she's jumping in too early for you and pushing things too fast. The fact that you not wanting to do it pisses her off means she's desperate for your attention and approval and that is a chore. It's a massive fucking chore pandering to the whim of people like that, relationship or not.James Joseph Emerald said:
The way I see it is that unless you can hang out as just friends, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. If you still want sex then you go for the one night stand, with them or someone else.
Committed relationships are for love and attraction. If you're in them for sex and only sex then you're being a dick.
Validation. The same reason i assume people want kids. So they feel like they're worth a damn and they have something to show for it. "Look at this" they say, "I am a functional member of the greater society!"
Alright, too cynical. But i have reason to be. I'm a 21 year old virgin who most likely won't be in any sort of position to rectify that in the near future. I've had to suffer however long secondary school is in an all boys school without the social contacts required to meet any girls outside of school. As a coping mechanism, i told myself that i'm perfectly comfortable being by myself and that i have more time (and money not being spent on pursuing lovers) to myself to do things that i want to do. And it's true, i do. But still i have this forever niggling worm in the back of my head that tells me that just won't do. That i'm abnormal and that i've failed myself because i seem utterly incapable of relating to people, let alone forming relationships. I feel like i'm in a rut and that the only way out of it is to find someone who will, in a psuedo-biblical manner, lift this mighty burden of failure from my tired shoulders. I feel like if i had a girlfriend, i'd begin to hate myself less and feel like less of a failure in the eyes of the world and myself. I'd resent people less and reject this hermit-like lifestyle that i've forced myself into. In other words, i would feel like my existence would be validated by someone else and that would drive me to change into a better person.
It's a nice thought, but honestly, what are those of us supposed to do who have that singular need by merit of feeling like we're worth nothing? When we've hit rock bottom, when we hate ourselves to the point of giving up entirely. Having someone who believes in you, loves you regardless of your flaws, can be enough to lift you out of that heart of darkness. Honestly, i've never really bought nor understood this whole "be a full person / be yourself / go do some soulsearching" trite that people come out with. If it was that easy, that niggling voice wouldn't have pounded me into submission already. You try dealing with an inner voice that talks to you like shit for a couple of years and then come back and say that. It feels like the people who do come out with "you shouldn't enter a relationship because you're using it to cover up your flaws" are always the ones fortunate enough to never have those flaws to begin with and so are in no position to make such statements. Do i sound bitter?
In a more optimistic light, having a girlfriend or boyfriend gives you a feeling of companionship that can only be shared between you. Think of it as 'levelling up' a friendship, if you like. You might be able to have a laugh with your mates, but you can tell your partner anything and know that they would (hopefully) listen and support you, regardless of what it is. You know you have someone who cares for you and that you care for in equal measure. It's enough to drive you to do impressive things, to get that job you wanted, to do what it takes to make that person happy. For me, the real reason of having a girlfriend is to hopefully make it to the stage where you're in love - because the feeling of love is, in a word, indescribable.
Alright, too cynical. But i have reason to be. I'm a 21 year old virgin who most likely won't be in any sort of position to rectify that in the near future. I've had to suffer however long secondary school is in an all boys school without the social contacts required to meet any girls outside of school. As a coping mechanism, i told myself that i'm perfectly comfortable being by myself and that i have more time (and money not being spent on pursuing lovers) to myself to do things that i want to do. And it's true, i do. But still i have this forever niggling worm in the back of my head that tells me that just won't do. That i'm abnormal and that i've failed myself because i seem utterly incapable of relating to people, let alone forming relationships. I feel like i'm in a rut and that the only way out of it is to find someone who will, in a psuedo-biblical manner, lift this mighty burden of failure from my tired shoulders. I feel like if i had a girlfriend, i'd begin to hate myself less and feel like less of a failure in the eyes of the world and myself. I'd resent people less and reject this hermit-like lifestyle that i've forced myself into. In other words, i would feel like my existence would be validated by someone else and that would drive me to change into a better person.
Hagi said:
It's a nice thought, but honestly, what are those of us supposed to do who have that singular need by merit of feeling like we're worth nothing? When we've hit rock bottom, when we hate ourselves to the point of giving up entirely. Having someone who believes in you, loves you regardless of your flaws, can be enough to lift you out of that heart of darkness. Honestly, i've never really bought nor understood this whole "be a full person / be yourself / go do some soulsearching" trite that people come out with. If it was that easy, that niggling voice wouldn't have pounded me into submission already. You try dealing with an inner voice that talks to you like shit for a couple of years and then come back and say that. It feels like the people who do come out with "you shouldn't enter a relationship because you're using it to cover up your flaws" are always the ones fortunate enough to never have those flaws to begin with and so are in no position to make such statements. Do i sound bitter?
In a more optimistic light, having a girlfriend or boyfriend gives you a feeling of companionship that can only be shared between you. Think of it as 'levelling up' a friendship, if you like. You might be able to have a laugh with your mates, but you can tell your partner anything and know that they would (hopefully) listen and support you, regardless of what it is. You know you have someone who cares for you and that you care for in equal measure. It's enough to drive you to do impressive things, to get that job you wanted, to do what it takes to make that person happy. For me, the real reason of having a girlfriend is to hopefully make it to the stage where you're in love - because the feeling of love is, in a word, indescribable.
It sounds like your ex-girlfriend was kind of self-centered, if she uses the word 'I' instead of 'we', and from what you said it seems putting trust in her only led to you being burned. I'm surprised you're not more cynical about the whole thing.SckizoBoy said:
I've been infatuated with girls before, but it usually burns out after a few months and then I wonder what I ever saw in them. I think love is something more enduring than that, but I also think love is a psychological mechanism, like everything else. You fall in love with whoever turns out to be compatible with you, and there isn't a "one true love" or "Mr/Ms. Right" that is a 100% perfect fit.
I know it's up to me to find a girl who I can form a strong emotional connection with, but I really lack the motivation to do so. I think most people do it just because they think they're supposed to.
I guess both having and not having a girlfriend/boyfriend is great. Being single is awesome; no worries about love or sex or anything; but being in a relationship is almost as awesome, you have someone who loves and cares for you.
So even if you're right, you're wrong. But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for.
So even if you're right, you're wrong. But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for.
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Sometimes you'll like someone enough that loving them is easy, but you shouldn't confuse the two.James Joseph Emerald said:
Love is choosing to put someone else ahead of yourself. Love is choosing to support another even when you don't agree with them. Love is choosing to forgive when you'd be fully justified to hold a grudge. Love is someone who chooses to put up with all the bullcrap you put them through, for YOUR sake.
The emotional connection is important. But it's only Step 1 on the road to a relationship.
Also being from Ireland, and generally being a fairly reclusive person, I can empathise with you. My mother, especially, is highly annoying in the regards of the other day she told me she was worried because "I lead too solitary a life", which I'm perfectly ok with, because as a general rule people that aren't me are no fun to be around.James Joseph Emerald said:
Though, that's not saying I don't go out. I'll hang out with my close friends (of which there are about four), and if they bring people along, I'll talk to them. Heck, a few of my friend's female friends have even tried to hit on me before, but I've only once been interested, and having a girlfriend, in my opinion, is pointless for me. I gained nothing from it, because I've been so used to being alone for so long.
I guess it'll probably change in university (which I'm starting in like two weeks), because the main problem was the lack of people who share my interests, but I'll be studying something that pretty much is the core of what I'm interested in.
A relationship is what you get out of it. If you don't feel the need for one, don't bother! Live your life the way that makes you happy.
I will give this suggestion though: If someone comes on to you or implies that they might like to start a relationship with you, don't immediately turn it down. While you might not feel the need for it, you could discover that it actually adds more to your life than you could have imagined. Just make sure, if you do decide to give it a shot, you lay down your feelings about relationships fairly early on - from the other person's perspective, your attitude towards relationships may come off as cold or even mocking towards them. They should know what they're getting into at least on a very basic level. And even if it doesn't work out or you feel like it's not for you, the experience may very well help you in life.
I will give this suggestion though: If someone comes on to you or implies that they might like to start a relationship with you, don't immediately turn it down. While you might not feel the need for it, you could discover that it actually adds more to your life than you could have imagined. Just make sure, if you do decide to give it a shot, you lay down your feelings about relationships fairly early on - from the other person's perspective, your attitude towards relationships may come off as cold or even mocking towards them. They should know what they're getting into at least on a very basic level. And even if it doesn't work out or you feel like it's not for you, the experience may very well help you in life.
Well, to be honest, even my friends complain that I don't hang out with them enough. They're used to my reclusiveness by now, but a lot of the new people I meet aren't, some even feeling slighted or offended by what they perceive as being rejected by me (which is kind of true, and I feel bad, but I can't really help it).The Unworthy Gentleman said:
You hit the nail on the head with my exes being "desperate for my approval and attention." Because I'm generally disinterested in getting into a girl's pants (unlike almost all other male college students), the insecure nymphomaniacs who use sex to get attention tend to become obsessed with me (I suppose I remind them of their own fathers). They actively seek me out and force themselves on me, which due to me being a recluse, is the only way I ever really enter into relationships.
So maybe my idea of what having a girlfriend is like is warped by the fact that I always end up going out with clingy attention-seekers who ultimately bore me.
This... is a weird question. The person is their own answer. My wife fulfills a need, our girlfriend fulfills a need. I fulfill a need they have. That's kinda it.