What's the point of having a girlfriend/boyfriend?

[SckizoBoy]

It sounds like your ex-girlfriend was kind of self-centered, if she uses the word 'I' instead of 'we', and from what you said it seems putting trust in her only led to you being burned. I'm surprised you're not more cynical about the whole thing.

I've been infatuated with girls before, but it usually burns out after a few months and then I wonder what I ever saw in them. I think love is something more enduring than that, but I also think love is a psychological mechanism, like everything else. You fall in love with whoever turns out to be compatible with you, and there isn't a "one true love" or "Mr/Ms. Right" that is a 100% perfect fit.

I know it's up to me to find a girl who I can form a strong emotional connection with, but I really lack the motivation to do so. I think most people do it just because they think they're supposed to.

Once again... context. Door-to-door salesman asking for me.

Still, I am cynical, in my own depressive sort of way... cynical about ever meeting another woman like her. She never 'burned' me or anything of the sort, nor was my trust misplaced, because she trusted me in the same way. When we were together, I often had to stop myself from referring to us as singular.

You'll notice that in my original reply to you, I never mentioned 'happiness'. For lack of a better way of putting it, despite everyone around us realising that we were almost nothing short of 'perfect' for each other, we weren't happy. I was alright with that, or at least I tried to be, while she was not. The reasons of why we weren't happy (we were content at best) are many, but I was in it purely because of the connection. It was just our luck that the day that would've let us be happy for once was the saddest for both of us. It eventually became too much to deal with hence why I'm single three years on and wishing we continued to muscle through it, hard though it invariably would've been.

 

[James Joseph Emerald]

I guess it'll probably change in university (which I'm starting in like two weeks), because the main problem was the lack of people who share my interests, but I'll be studying something that pretty much is the core of what I'm interested in.

That's what I thought, too. I moved into a big house with 12 other college students (turns out 9+ of them were girls). I even tried changing my name (i.e. using my middle name instead of first), to further distance myself from my old life as a recluse. But, if you're a recluse at heart, it'll just make things worse. In my case, the house I was in turned out to be a major party house, and was really loud and full of people all the time. It was hell for me. I spent the entire year emotionally, physically and socially drained. And they all hated me for constantly avoiding them (or saying stupid things because I couldn't think straight).

 

[James Joseph Emerald]

This... is a weird question. The person is their own answer. My wife fulfills a need, our girlfriend fulfills a need. I fulfill a need they have. That's kinda it.

Haha, I find it funny you think my question is 'weird', when you're discussing some sort of open marriage ménage à trois. A lot of people would think that's weird.
(I'm not judging you, I just think it's ironic)

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

5​

Well, to be honest, even my friends complain that I don't hang out with them enough. They're used to my reclusiveness by now, but a lot of the new people I meet aren't, some even feeling slighted or offended by what they perceive as being rejected by me (which is kind of true, and I feel bad, but I can't really help it).

You hit the nail on the head with my exes being "desperate for my approval and attention." Because I'm generally disinterested in getting into a girl's pants (unlike almost all other male college students), the insecure nymphomaniacs who use sex to get attention tend to become obsessed with me (I suppose I remind them of their own fathers). They actively seek me out and force themselves on me, which due to me being a recluse, is the only way I ever really enter into relationships.
So maybe my idea of what having a girlfriend is like is warped by the fact that I always end up going out with clingy attention-seekers who ultimately bore me.

Daddy issues, it's always daddy issues.

I say you've got a pretty good grasp on your problem with relationships already. I wouldn't say you're too reclusive for these girls, I'd say they're too needy and clingy.

Remember, if you're as awesome as me, and you sound like you are, it's always a problem with the other person. High five for being awesome and flawless![footnote]If you're not flawless then high five for being awesome![/footnote]

EDIT: But you might still want to get out, should you want a relationship. As fun as being reclusive is, it won't win you any prizes.

 

[Hagi]

If you actually need a boy- or girlfriend then I don't think you're going to have a good relationship, because you're not a full person on your own. You need someone else.

It's a nice thought, but honestly, what are those of us supposed to do who have that singular need by merit of feeling like we're worth nothing? When we've hit rock bottom, when we hate ourselves to the point of giving up entirely. Having someone who believes in you, loves you regardless of your flaws, can be enough to lift you out of that heart of darkness. Honestly, i've never really bought nor understood this whole "be a full person / be yourself / go do some soulsearching" trite that people come out with. If it was that easy, that niggling voice wouldn't have pounded me into submission already. You try dealing with an inner voice that talks to you like shit for a couple of years and then come back and say that. It feels like the people who do come out with "you shouldn't enter a relationship because you're using it to cover up your flaws" are always the ones fortunate enough to never have those flaws to begin with and so are in no position to make such statements. Do i sound bitter?

You think that inner voice is unique to you? Every single young adult, me included, has that voice.

Everyone has flaws, everyone has doubts. But you have to learn to accept them and deal with them, that's what growing up is all about. And growing up doesn't end at 18 when you finish high-school, that's when the hardest part begins. That's when you grow into your own person and that means coming to terms with your flaws.

My flaws are many, but I'm in the process of accepting them and learning to deal with them. And that's hard at times, very hard. I still struggle. And it isn't easy, will never be. But in the end people do come to terms with their flaws and they learn to accept themselves for who they are. And then they start selling the whole "be a full person / be yourself / go do some soulsearching" trite, because they've experienced it.

But getting someone else to come to terms with your flaws for you? To accept them even though you haven't accepted them yourself? That's a mother, not a girlfriend.

A romantic relationship is something between equals, partners. How can things be equal if you see yourself as lesser?

If you're really struggling with it a lot then I suggest you do some genuine soul-searching. Seek new experiences, travel if you can, confront yourself with things you find hard. You don't have to keep doing it, but just do it once.

 

[No_Remainders]

I guess it'll probably change in university (which I'm starting in like two weeks), because the main problem was the lack of people who share my interests, but I'll be studying something that pretty much is the core of what I'm interested in.

That's what I thought, too. I moved into a big house with 12 other college students (turns out 9+ of them were girls). I even tried changing my name (i.e. using my middle name instead of first), to further distance myself from my old life as a recluse. But, if you're a recluse at heart, it'll just make things worse. In my case, the house I was in turned out to be a major party house, and was really loud and full of people all the time. It was hell for me. I spent the entire year emotionally, physically and socially drained. And they all hated me for constantly avoiding them (or saying stupid things because I couldn't think straight).

Well, I'm going to keep living at home (because I couldn't possibly live with other people), but like, it's not that I'm totally incapable of socialising. I just prefer my own company to anyone else's, because people can really be shit, and I just don't trust them enough to keep many people as close friends.

 

[Tom Hill]

Sometimes I want to be alone, but sometimes I like to have someone to do the stuff I do alone, with me. My gf plays games, watches films, listens to (and confirms) all the utter shite that comes out of my mouth, and yes I love her for it. Espcially the last one, I don't doubt myself as much because someone confirms my beliefs, and if she does challenge me,(READ: WHEN SHE DOES) It means I need to hold on and actually think about the stuff I'm saying.

I do think men become nicer and generally kinder people with women around, and I like to be needed, which is probably a man thing too.

I'm not trying to prove myself to strangers.

Oh do we have to bring sex into it?... URM CORR YEAA SEX! raaaa, oh idgf, im sleeping.

edit: btw yes people arnt perfect and neither are we

 

[James Joseph Emerald]

Once again... context. Door-to-door salesman asking for me.

You'll notice that in my original reply to you, I never mentioned 'happiness'. For lack of a better way of putting it, despite everyone around us realising that we were almost nothing short of 'perfect' for each other, we weren't happy. I was alright with that, or at least I tried to be, while she was not. The reasons of why we weren't happy (we were content at best) are many, but I was in it purely because of the connection. It was just our luck that the day that would've let us be happy for once was the saddest for both of us. It eventually became too much to deal with hence why I'm single three years on and wishing we continued to muscle through it, hard though it invariably would've been.

Heh, you're pretty reticent when it comes to context.
I take it you're referring to an unplanned pregnancy when you say "the day that would've let us be happy"?

I know what you mean, I've actually had a girl that I knew where it seemed like we had this profound connection. We never really went out, but we were good friends and it felt like a relationship, even though I was too reclusive and she was too hung up on an old emotionally abusive boyfriend to ever start one. We were very similar personality-wise, we were about equally fun and intelligent and attractive, we would spend hours and hours talking to each other about everything (and I actually found it fun), and by astonishing coincidence we were even born on the same day. It seemed like fate. And I really did feel like I was nearly in love with her, at certain points. But unfortunately we shared the same flaws: moodiness, narcissism, stubbornness, loftiness, egotism. Two stubborn moody narcissists are just fundamentally incompatible, when it comes down to it, and we got on each other's nerves so much we eventually stopped talking.
Plus she was a hipster who looked down on people who play videogames, which really clinched my realisation that despite our connection, we wouldn't work out.

But to be honest, I'm the opposite of you: I don't really wish we'd muscled through it, but I do regret wasting all that time on her in the first place.

 

[Thumper17]

Well, when a woman loves a man very much...

 

[Gralian]

You think that inner voice is unique to you? Every single young adult, me included, has that voice.

My flaws are many, but I'm in the process of accepting them and learning to deal with them. And that's hard at times, very hard. I still struggle. And it isn't easy, will never be. But in the end people do come to terms with their flaws and they learn to accept themselves for who they are. And then they start selling the whole "be a full person / be yourself / go do some soulsearching" trite, because they've experienced it.

A romantic relationship is something between equals, partners. How can things be equal if you see yourself as lesser?

No, i don't think i'm "unique" by any stretch of the imagination. I do have an anxiety disorder, though, which stems from social phobia. I've spent a whole bloody year in therapy working with CBT to try and get over that, to try and "accept myself", as you put it. I tried to do force myself into situations i found uncomfortable and get myself in this belief system people seem to have of themselves that they can overcome anything, and when they do, they will find some sort of reward for their efforts in the form of some kind of earth shattering epiphany. I really gave it my all, but all i succeeded in doing is accepting my own futility, which i realise comes across as terribly pathetic. And don't worry - i've had the exact same "tough love" speech from people before. Unfortunately it's got to the stage where i just laugh it off, even though i know i've meant to take it seriously at face value and make me stop wallowing in self pity.

The problem i have with people claiming they've "been through it all before" is that it always feels so... minor in comparison. I'm sure there's some sort of egotistical "no-one has it worse than me" routine going on there, but... look, here's an analogy for you. Let's say person A says they are a gamer and play lots of games, but they have a gamescore under 10,000 and they don't have many titles attached to their account. Then person B says they also like games but are more of a gamer and they have over 100,000 gamerscore and lots of games attached to their account. Both people have played games, and enjoy games, but one of them is clearly more overtaken by it. That's how i feel, that while people say they have that "inner voice", it's just not on the same magnitude. I used to know someone who claimed to hate themselves, and yet they were out most nights getting drunk, having sex and having 600+ friends on facebook, which makes their claim feel so goddamn disingenuine when i have none of that and yet am - in theory - in the same position as them mentally. Go figure.

When i say about a partner loving you for who and what you are, flaws and all, i don't mean they accept you for it and that's that. I mean in a way that they are able to help you change. It's give and take. (at least in my mind anyway) You change for them because they make you feel like you're worth a damn and they take on muse-like qualities. You work harder because they make you feel better about yourself and you feel more 'complete' as an individual. I don't mean the kind of 'unconditional love' relationship - that sounds dreadfully unhealthy. Incidentally, i've always been attracted to girls who have been far beyond my reach and inadvertently make me feel even worse about myself. I suppose in a bizarre sort of way it's my little way of trying to make myself be able to reach their standard, to make myself change enough that i would actually be considered a viable candidate, but being a self-sabotager that unfortunately never works out. One in particular used to get very frustrated with me and constantly say to me that she was waiting for me to 'prove her wrong'. I was expecting to be held by the hand rather than stand on my own two feet. I think in the back of my mind i know that's what i should be doing, and that waiting for that open palm to help lift you up is the easy way out.

 

[smithy_2045]

I used to think I could be satisfied with solitude, but over the past 12 months I've learnt that isn't true.

 

[sta697]

you re overthinking it but then again this may be because you re all alone

 

[esperandote]

Because some of us can't get casual sex.

 

[Tommeh Brownleh]

There isn't one. Having your wallet sucked dry (AND NOTHING ELSE) and some annoying person looking for love (something that doesn't exist) and affection (something I find near impossible to show without it being obviously fake) isn't worth occasional (see: rare) sex IMHO.

 

[Curlythelock]

Regular sex, enough said.

 

[Death God]

Speaking personally, I want a girlfriend to talk to about issues that I don't want to discuss with family or friends. But for most people, they are looking for companionship, love, and (not going to deny it) sex. Simple as that.

 

[dancinginfernal]

Because I'm not much of a fan of living alone my entire life, nor living with my best friend into my 40's.

Plus, I'm dying to have children. I sincerely want a daughter to call my own.

 

[Kinokohatake]

This... is a weird question. The person is their own answer. My wife fulfills a need, our girlfriend fulfills a need. I fulfill a need they have. That's kinda it.

This pretty much sums up us and ours. Good to see another open group on here.