What's the point of having a girlfriend/boyfriend?

[Hagi]

No, i don't think i'm "unique" by any stretch of the imagination. I do have an anxiety disorder, though, which stems from social phobia. I've spent a whole bloody year in therapy working with CBT to try and get over that, to try and "accept myself", as you put it. I tried to do force myself into situations i found uncomfortable and get myself in this belief system people seem to have of themselves that they can overcome anything, and when they do, they will find some sort of reward for their efforts in the form of some kind of earth shattering epiphany. I really gave it my all, but all i succeeded in doing is accepting my own futility, which i realise comes across as terribly pathetic. And don't worry - i've had the exact same "tough love" speech from people before. Unfortunately it's got to the stage where i just laugh it off, even though i know i've meant to take it seriously at face value and make me stop wallowing in self pity.

The problem i have with people claiming they've "been through it all before" is that it always feels so... minor in comparison. I'm sure there's some sort of egotistical "no-one has it worse than me" routine going on there, but... look, here's an analogy for you. Let's say person A says they are a gamer and play lots of games, but they have a gamescore under 10,000 and they don't have many titles attached to their account. Then person B says they also like games but are more of a gamer and they have over 100,000 gamerscore and lots of games attached to their account. Both people have played games, and enjoy games, but one of them is clearly more overtaken by it. That's how i feel, that while people say they have that "inner voice", it's just not on the same magnitude. I used to know someone who claimed to hate themselves, and yet they were out most nights getting drunk, having sex and having 600+ friends on facebook, which makes their claim feel so goddamn disingenuine when i have none of that and yet am - in theory - in the same position as them mentally. Go figure.

When i say about a partner loving you for who and what you are, flaws and all, i don't mean they accept you for it and that's that. I mean in a way that they are able to help you change. It's give and take. (at least in my mind anyway) You change for them because they make you feel like you're worth a damn and they take on muse-like qualities. You work harder because they make you feel better about yourself and you feel more 'complete' as an individual. I don't mean the kind of 'unconditional love' relationship - that sounds dreadfully unhealthy. Incidentally, i've always been attracted to girls who have been far beyond my reach and inadvertently make me feel even worse about myself. I suppose in a bizarre sort of way it's my little way of trying to make myself be able to reach their standard, to make myself change enough that i would actually be considered a viable candidate, but being a self-sabotager that unfortunately never works out. One in particular used to get very frustrated with me and constantly say to me that she was waiting for me to 'prove her wrong'. I was expecting to be held by the hand rather than stand on my own two feet. I think in the back of my mind i know that's what i should be doing, and that waiting for that open palm to help lift you up is the easy way out.

Sigh... I'll give you some background on myself as a comparison.

I regularly see a psychiatrist. I've no friends. I'm a virgin. I've had a single short fling which never got to more then kissing. I've had nothing I would call a real relationship. I've put serious thought to suicide. I've not even got a Facebook account.

I could go on but I hope you get the picture. I'm not saying I've got it worse or better. But I'm certainly not the guy getting laid weekly after going drinking with all his friends.

Firstly the point of trying out new stuff is not to start liking it. On the contrary, the point is to start disliking it. I used to feel that I should be out there, hitting the bars, chatting up girls etc.

So I tried it. Found out I hated it. Felt very depressed about that for a while, thought I was a failure, thought something was seriously wrong with me. Then, after months of feeling bad, I started to realize that that wasn't what I wanted. That I didn't want my life to be like that, that I enjoyed sitting at home on my own.

After that I mostly felt angry for a while. All those freaking ass-holes out there having a great time and ruining it for the likes of me who had nothing left. They got everything, I got nothing.

But, you know, they're just living their lives. They're likely not the greatest people, but they aren't actively out to ruin things for me. So eventually I accepted, that wasn't the person I was. I'm not the clubbing guy, I'm not a Casanova, I like being alone.

I already knew that in a way, but previously I strongly felt it was wrong to be that way. That I should be something else. And all the while I was just pretending to be that something else, leaving myself quite unhappy. Now I stopped pretending, and life isn't great, but I'm at peace with it. I like myself, and I'll meet people that I like and who like who I am.

And the main thing is that, as you put it, I've stopped reaching for their standard and I've stopped trying to be a viable candidate for them. I've started reaching for my own standard and I'm trying to be the candidate I want to be for myself.

It's not about you being right for the girl, that's her responsibility. It's about the girl being right for you, and for that to happen you have to know and accept yourself. You won't be able to determine what's right for you until you do. Until then you'll just be doing what others or society considers right for you.

So get out there. Find the things that make you miserable. Cry about it. Get angry at the freaking ass-holes who expect you to enjoy these retarded things. Then accept it and keep finding things that make you miserable until you finally stumble on something that makes you happy.

Then you'll start knowing yourself. And you can start to know what kind of girl would be right for you. That's the reward, that's the epiphany. Knowing what makes you miserable and accepting that it does. Knowing what makes you happy and being genuinely glad that it does.

 

[synobal]

I'm right there with you man, except you know the women falling all over me part. I am a naturally solitary creature, I love my free time and I prefer to spend it alone or doing something I want to do. Being around people makes me tired, gives me a headache and generally means I need a few hours to recharge my batteries before facing another social situation. The same is true for friends I can hang out with them steady for a few weeks and then I'll disappear for a few months until I'm recharged and not in a mood to kill them. The few relationships I've had all tanked when they started to become 'serious' and the whole moving in stuff happened. Women don't seem to handle that I'll close myself up in my study or computer room for hours at time and why I don't want to devote my day to being in their company.

They think it's an insult when I say 'being around you makes me tired and drains me' I need to recharge or something. Like they aren't desirable or something. That's not true I just can't handle people with out time to myself.

 

[Blondegoth]

You gain out of it what you gain out of it. I have been with my partner for 5 years now, we love each other very much. Thats what I gain out of it. When you meet the right person (which you may not, there is nothing wrong with that) You will want to be with them. THere is no right or wrong in all this.

 

[Vicarious Reality]

No one will ever love me like i do

 

[meryatathagres]

Love Sex Intelligence

 

[Ledbetter]

Dude, really? You shouldn't have asked that, I mean, its a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, what can you do with that? oh yeah SCREW!

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

Every person is different. It is common to seek companionship, but I know plenty of people well into their 20s who want to stay single. And I am certain many before you have felt the same way. You aren't the first to not want companionship, and you won't be the last.

Personally I have a boyfriend and I love it, but I'm just sort of a warm and fuzzy kind of person. I like giving affection to others, and I love to receive affection as well. But that's just not for everyone. So just do what makes you happy You're already off to a great start in that you are alright with what makes you happy. Just don't get to be like that guy in Welcome to the NHK. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welcome_to_the_N.H.K.]

Anyway, to answer your question, the point of a girlfriend and boyfriend is to be in a relationship. To exchange companionship and affection, and perhaps even one day get married.

I have posted this video on these forums way too many times, but I feel it's appropriate here. Maybe this will illuminate the idea behind being in a relationship for you a bit.

 

[Lilani]

A lot of people think instantly about the sex. But the truth is because it's nice to have someone you can go to no matter what. Someone who will help you burden the weight of your world. At least that's how I see it.

Thank you! It sort of disgusts me how many of the posts here just say sex and leave it like that. Sure that's how SOME boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are, but those aren't relationships that actually last. Being in a long-term relationship is a lot more than being fuck-buddies. It has to be, or else it won't be long-term.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

First off, I don't want to make this thread about me, but I feel I should give context to my viewpoint by explaining two things about me...

If I fall for someone it tends to be that I just feel happy when they are around and sad when they aren't. I'm a lot like you OP and I really love time to myself. Men often take this as I'm not interested. Not to mention I play computer games alot in my spare time which isn't exactly sociable.

I haven't been very lucky the people I fall for never like me back and the one guy who I didn't really like, but I gave a chance to, ended up hitting me all the time. He didn't like that I was depressed about my dad dying of cancer.

I like being alone but at the same time I get lonely and people think I'm wierd for not having a boyfriend or kids. My sister being the most popular woman I know doesn't really help people's expectations of me.

tl;dr: I know how you feel

 

[Blow_Pop]

Much as I'd love to be able to be reclusive as hell and not have to be around others I unfortunately need touch. Even as simple as today. Hung out with a guy friend of mine and sat next to him and both of us played games on our separate laptops and our knees were touching. Weren't really talking to each other just focused on our own games. That's about the most companionship I really need/want. Oh and sex. Though for me its not about looks. It is more on intelligence, creativity, and being a gamer/nerd/geek. I like my own company. As long as I have books/games/something I can be doing/working on(including cleaning) I'm fine with myself. Unfortunately without touch I start going crazy and ....yeah......not a fun state of mind to be in.

 

[TechPulse]

Actually having someone to trust when you need them there. Sure, not all relationships work that way, but if you can't trust the person your "fucking", then how do you know if they don't have STDs for instance? I mean...a relationship requires more time and effort, but that's the joy of it, right? Being able to say you made it work, and that you love someone dearly, and trust them with everything you have. <3

 

[Nieroshai]

Aside from the sex and all, my biggest reason is that I feel loved, by someone who will always be there for me.

 

[SirDoom]

What's the point? An emotional connection, combined with intimate moments and just generally being around another awesome person all the time. What more could you ask for?

But you can't really judge relationships without having one. If all you've had are bad ones, you won't have a very good opinion of them. If all you've had are good ones, then... well, I need to learn your secret =)

My real answer- Um... well, when it works, you end up with a person you can talk to all night long, and want to. You can have long deep conversations, and also joke around. They're a person you can find comfort in on bad days, and a person you love comforting on their bad days. A person to share both silly and intimate moments with.

When it *doesn't* work though... well, it's easy to see why some people don't have high opinions of relationships. If, for example, you get in a relationship with an awesome person who has one little flaw- not being very communicative, for example, that entire list of positives just kind of collapses. There are no deep conversations if she won't pick up the phone. Talking all night is out, and "talking once a week, if you're lucky" is in. You can't really comfort her or be comforted by her on bad days because you never know what's going on, and you're really going to miss out on the good moments of being together, since they're all crammed into a few hours every other weekend. Overall, not a positive experience. This isn't a bad person either- It's an awesome person with one semi-major flaw. Yeah, you can see how easy it is for this type of thing to not work.

 

[Lilani]

That's what I tell my friends who are in relationships based around sex. I say it won't last but they don't believe me. Then after 3-5 years of ups and downs they have a hard break up for both of them and then they start bad mouthing and cursing each endlessly. Maybe i'm just more understanding of emotion and love then they are.

I think that is one of the main downsides of this more "sexually liberated" age we're going into. More people are open about sex, both in action and communication, which aren't inherently bad things. However, it has caused many to get it in their heads that sex is the linchpin of a relationship. Since sex has been put in the forefront of a relationship in popular media these days, many actually believe that sex IS the most important thing. They've forgotten all about compatibility and compromise.

Plus, I think the whole sex-first thing has caused them to think about relationships in a very short-term manner. It's all about that instant gratification sex gives, and how it can quickly end an argument without actually having to get into the nitty-gritty emotional stuff that caused it in the first place. They basically use the sex as scotch-tape to hold the whole thing together. Whenever things get bad, they just put on a little more scotch-tape. Whether or not they want to spend their life with this person and grow old together is the last thing on their mind.

So yes, it's nice that we can talk about sex more openly now, but now we need to get our shit together and re-learn what it means to love someone with your heart, not with your genitals.

 

[geK0]

Biological impulses tell me that I'm supposed to put something into them.....Also, being alone gets boring = \

 

[hink86]

All I can say I love my future wife to be for many reasons, but mostly because we have alot in common which makes things feel so much better.Just picturing her face can make a hell on earth day seem better and that is why a girlfriend/wife is important I think. Don't get me wrong I wasn't always like this. Past relationships seemed pointless to me but things change appartenly. Give it time is all I can think of. BTW we both are a bit reclusive togeather...if that makes sense.

 

[Ninjat_126]

~extensive snip~

I'm not particularly interested in sex or relationships. Not to the same extent as you, but sometimes I wonder what all the obsession is.

That said, one of the main reasons people start dating other people is for sex. If you're not interested in that, you probably won't be too interested in a relationship.