GodofTheForge said:
Headsprouter said:
I'm 19, existential crisis all over the place. Scared of the future. Being lonely, being overcrowded, never being able to express myself, growing old. I feel so vain for placing self-expression on that list, but god, it just seems to matter to me so much, and it drives me insane seeing people with fantastic talents and a great life on top of them. I know it's really scummy, but...well, I don't really know how I can excuse it. It's not hatred, mind you it's just a sort of jealousy mixed with admiration that results in frustration thanks to my overall lack of self-worth.
Summation of my rambling: 19, concerned with life in general. Not going anywhere at the current rate, feeling broken for being unable(????) to do anything about it.
^pretty much this to a T.
I'm 18, going on 19 (though I was born less than a week from the end of '95 so at this point it's interchangeable with recently turned 18). The existential crises kinda come in irregular spurts and I generally just distract myself to stop thinking about it (since nothing really comes from dwelling on it). The future is scary, because I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what I CAN do, and so many people I talk to (adults mostly, because teenagers suck) have such high expectations of me I feel like there's no way I can live up to them if I get any less than a Nobel Prize for some technology which all but solves a major problem of my choosing. I've been lonely as of late. I had friends at my old high-school, but since I switched to a different school (And 2 moved out of state) I've lost contact with the lot of them and haven't really made any new ones. The hobby store I frequented announced their closing out of nowhere on wednesday, so it's significantly less likely I'll ever be able to interact with the people I've met there again (the age gap is a bit of an inhibitor to friendship when the youngest party (me) are still high-school students). I'd explain my family's financial situation, though it really IS a long story. If/when it gets resolved though they might write a book tentatively titled "Godot showed up, and why he took so fucking long", detailing the assorted absurd situations over the almost 5 year (so far) ordeal which, as the title implies, caused it to take much longer than necessary.
Especially with the closing of the local hobby store I fear I'll wind up nothing more than a forum troll waiting for things to happen, as that was the only reliable outlet for social expression and a place to enjoy and improve my painting skills for my collection of minis (because I'm crap at free-hand and I've not got the resources to buy the needed materials for just about any other kind of art). Right now I'm just passing by through school, just doing as little as I can to not fail, waiting to move on to college where I can at the very least take some damn control of my life, because I feel like there's not a goddamn thing I can do right now.
Of course thanks to therapy and a bit of medication I've become more comfortable with my situation (still not certain how we could afford it but I'm not complaining). In a couple of small was I do have at least a bit more control in my life as of late. It's awkward to get started on a new good habit or an effort to learn something new, or even just get out there to do SOMETHING, but I'll tell you right now the difference between "I've got nothing to offer the world, no talents, and no skills of any worth" and "I'm learning how to do something new and interesting, even if I'm mediocre right now" is MASSIVE. In a good way.
And yes that last paragraph does contradict those prior to some degree, but I bounce in and out of depression/existential crises. Not bi-polar, but it swings. I still stand by what I said in that last paragraph though.
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Or maybe that's just youthful naïveté speaking. Haven't lived long enough to tell the difference. Still a hell of a lot better than self-pity though. And it feels nice to pour your thoughts/feelings out there under the illusion someone is listening. (OH! now I get why social media is so popular!)