why do people say dating your teacher is wrong? we got married last year and its fantastique

[maidenm]

Wow, didn't know that so many people on this forum are that gullible. Do you all seriously believe this, between the exorbitantly bad grammar and the story itself? There's just no way...

I didn't believe any of it. I simply replied to play along and see what would happen. The responses here were interesting. And I figure that's what OP was looking for. A reaction. As far as trolling attempts go, this one was incredibly tame.

That's pretty much why I'm willing to treat this as genuine. It's too tame. It's not too far fetched either. Of course, if it turns out to be trolling I'll be happy, but if it really is true... well, I want to help. It's not enough to make me have any reaction beyond "meh" if it's fake.

 

[Azwrath]

just seems wrong how people say you shouldn't date your teacher.
my teacher met me when i was 16 and then we married when i was 18 (but i finished high school).
my parent said its wrong and even my friends said :0

A lot of people will say that it's the age difference, but that's just bullshit. For most of human history it's been normal for men to be much older then the women they marry. The whole same age group thing is pretty new even tho most of the people giving you the "age difference" reason don't know that.

The biggest problem with dating your teacher is this. Nowadays a lot of people date at least 3 or 4 persons before they get married (and i am talking about the conservative ones here). With that in mind, there is a pretty good chance that someone you date when you are 16 or 18 or 20 will not be the one you marry. And when the breakup happens, you don't want them to still have some kind of power over you. The "don't shit where you eat" principle.

 

[K12]

If the relationship started when he was still your teacher then that should be cause for his termination and potentially should make him not be allowed to teach again. Any professional where you are dealing with vulnerable people (children, the mentally ill/handicapped etc.) should have the same protections and standards of professionalism. As far as I know this could be a perfectly healthy relationship but I highly doubt it.

Anecdotally, at the age of 17 my aunt got pregnant by and then married a man in his late thirties (I'm in the UK where the legal age is 16 btw) and she has only recently divorced him. She only recently realised how little they had in common and how miserable and lonely she has felt all these years. For myself I always hated visiting her because her family always had an odd unsettling atmosphere about them.

She changed a lot as she grew up and he didn't. She had no real understanding of what a stable relationship should be like (how could she?) and defaulted to an accepting permissiveness. She felt guilty about wanting to leave him (after all it was her who had changed, so she felt that it was her fault the relationship wasn't working as well as it could) and stuck with it for way way too long. Now she'd finally out of it and it's the first time I've ever seen her happy.

I don't like the idea of anyone getting married at 18 let alone to someone two and half times their age and let alone again the fact that he was in an official position of care over you. There's so much of the world you've yet to experience. You will grow up over the years and decades but he won't, there's no opportunity for you both to grow and adapt together. You'll be restricted by him and may not realize until it's too late to get the time back. You are an adult at 19 but you're not the same kind of adult as you will be at the age of 44, can you imagine your mum wanting to marry one of the boys in your class?

I'm 23 and I'd hesitate in dating a teenager. I've grown up a lot in 4 years (although my 19 year old self would probably disagree) just think about how much you'll change in 25 years when you're his age and he's retired.

 

[blackrave]

My common sense is tingling.
(nope, sorry, I'm not Deadpool)
I can't fight this feeling that 5y from now there will be divorce.
I don't know who or why will initiate it, but there will be one.

 

[SuperSuperSuperGuy]

I also question the legitimacy of this post, but I'm going to take it at face value for discussion's sake.

Personally, if the relationship is consensual and both parties legitimately care about each other, then I have no issue with it. However, there is one little quirk to this particular scenario: a teacher should not be dating a person who is currently their student. A teacher needs to maintain their professionalism. By dating a student, a teacher shows that they favor that student over the others. It can also be seen as an abuse of power and authority.

Also, slightly off topic, but I swear there's a manga or doujinshi somewhere that describes this exact scenario. If there isn't, I'll eat my boot.

 

[JimB]

A student is a minor. A minor is a person who, in the eyes of the law, cannot provide informed consent that understands the risks associated with a given act or behavior. Combine this assumption that a child doesn't know what he's getting himself into with the fact that a teacher is someone in a position of power over the student, who can affect the rest of the student's life by manufacturing grades in defiance of his actual abilities, whether positive or negative, and the nature of the relationship carries an inherent air of coercion. Such a relationship is only okay if the student is genuinely able to understand the nature of his relationship with the teacher and the teacher is either morally upstanding enough to eliminate all traces of prejudice from his grading system or else is in no position to affect the student's grades.

The odds of these conditions being met are low enough that we blanketly condemn such relationships, particularly since they by definition involve a grown adult being attracted to a minor, which at least heavily implies pederasty or outright pedophilia, depending on the specific age of the student.

My teacher met me when I was sixteen and then we married when I was eighteen (but I finished high school).

If it's worked out for you and you're not in an inherently controlling, unbalanced relationship, then good for you. People get lucky. I got lucky when I went off my psychiatric meds without a doctor's input and somehow did not end up with brain damage. That I got so lucky does not mean anyone else should be foolish enough to take the risk I did, and that you got lucky does not mean anyone else should be foolish enough to take the risk you did.

 

[blackrave]

snip

You know that your whole post could be summarized by quote of Church (RvsB)?

"You are a God damn idiot. And I'd like to prove this mathematically if I may. Take your current age. Now subtract ten years from it. Were you smart back then? Of course you weren't. You were a God damn idiot. Fact of the matter is, you're just as big an idiot today, it's just gonna take you ten more years to realize."

My absolutely favorite quote

P.S So this flawless logic leads to only one rational conclusion- you can be either idiot or delusional idiot. Your choice.

P.P.S Let me correct my previous statement- "...your post and this whole situation can..."

 

[Eamar]

I'm 23 and I'd hesitate in dating a teenager. I've grown up a lot in 4 years (although my 19 year old self would probably disagree) just think about how much you'll change in 25 years when you're his age and he's retired.

This is so true, and it's something that isn't brought up enough in age gap discussions. I'm 22, and there's no way in hell I'd date someone who was 18/19, let alone younger. I'm in my fourth and final year at university, and when I look at the new first years it's just astonishing how immature they seem to me now, yet when I was in their position I was convinced that I was a full-grown adult.

People really underestimate how much you change during that period. Not that you don't continue to change afterwards of course, but it really is dramatic in your late teens/early twenties. That's the main reason I would never advocate getting married or having children at that age. If they really are "the one", it won't kill either of you to wait.

EDIT: And before anyone says anything I'm well aware of the fact that at 22 I'm still very young and will inevitably look back on myself in a few years in much the same way I currently look back on my 18 year old self

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Presumably because it can call the credibility of the teacher into question and bring up questions of favouritism and such.
That is of course assuming that the pupil is of legal age because if not then the answer is obvious.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Is OP legit?

No offence but my suspension of disbelief went away with OP's grammar, 19 you say?

I am having a hard time believing this is not a ruse my fellow posters.

I thought so too, it's almost outrageously unaware that a teacher in his 40s dating a minor who is also his student is both illegal and abusive.

But if you're being honest OP: it's illegal and abusive.

 

[K12]

snip

You know that your whole post could be summarized by quote of Church (RvsB)?

"You are a God damn idiot. And I'd like to prove this mathematically if I may. Take your current age. Now subtract ten years from it. Were you smart back then? Of course you weren't. You were a God damn idiot. Fact of the matter is, you're just as big an idiot today, it's just gonna take you ten more years to realize."

My absolutely favorite quote

P.S So this flawless logic leads to only one rational conclusion- you can be either idiot or delusional idiot. Your choice.

P.P.S Let me correct my previous statement- "...your post and this whole situation can..."

That is a brilliant quote! I think my post was way too long because I was trying to soften it too much.

 

[camazotz]

Polly disappeared by the looks of it, so either she's busy, she's been freaked out by the comments, or she was not really who she claimed and was trolling (I am sure there are really naive 19 year olds out there but....)

Now, as someone who has been on both sides of the fence I can state that an age gap of significant years can be problematic, especially for the long haul. My two examples:

1. At age 19 I married a woman I had known for three months, who was at the time 32 years old. The marriage lasted a year (I regretted it almost immediately) and was mainly aimed at causing strife with my mother (it was an act of defiance). That wasn't fair to my first wife, who regardless of he motives for marrying me was not maybe prepared for the age gap problem. Her "place" in time was different from mine: she was working on a stable job, I was on my second semester in college.

2. My current wife is actually 12 years younger than me (and to give you a sense of time/scope I am 43 and she will be turning 31 soon). Although we are quite stable, there are issues at this point; the things you worry about at age 31 are different than the things you are dealng with in your 40's, which does cause some problems at times.

The point I am trying to make is that in a relationship between a 19 year old and a 45 year old man (my wife has a cousin who married a 50 year old man at age 18, so it is possible!) there are going to be a few perceptions in society: she's a social climber/gold digger, waiting for him to have a heart attack after taking a life insurance policy out on him. He's having a middle aged mid-life crisis, and is "trading up" for a younger model. He's a perv. Etc.

The formula I have been told for acceptable age in dating is to take your age, halve it, then add 7 years. That's the minimum age you can date/marry without being considered a perv. At age 45 that makes him at best able to pull off dating a 29 year old without being considered too "icky" for comfort. Personally my rule of thumb is easy: if she's old enough to be my daughter, then she's too young to date.

 

[chinangel]

Hm... odd first post, just saying. Nevertheless, welcome to the Escapist, stay out of the basement and press any red buttons you see around the place.

Okay, when i joined way back when, someone said this to me too. I don't get the 'stay out of the basement' thing (I get the red buttons...oh boy do I get the red buttons ;-; ) but do you mind explaining the basement line?

OT: I think it's the age gap, though i've seen couples with 20 years in their age gaps, 20+ and they genuinely loved each other.

I think there is also some social stigma about fetishized jobs and whatnot but that could just be speculation. Ultimately though it's probably about age and standing. She was in a position of authority over you when you two met and well...yeah. Then again I think it's all a bit silly, as I'm very non-judgemental about relationships.

 

[polly95]

i agree Bellvedere, hubby is a problem for my mum and stepedad. they do not really get a long so well
but i never trusted my exbfs. my husband is the only lover i felt happy with and trust :/

thats ok Bathory, we never dated at school, just emailed and stared

Yopaz its ok i know i complained but overall i accept people will stare and whisper about us. nothing can change it. hubby said he likes it. i'm scared by it sometimes but i rather be with hubby than anywhere else

thanks thaluikain, i hope it works, it works for me cos i wish my husband worked at home, thats how much i enjoy him

Ratty ok i will tell him to stop the exhibition fetish :/ my fault too i wear short dresses (its 35-40 degree celcius some days recently!) so its kind of flirty too much.

thanks suitepee7! i was very relieved when i finished school thats for sure i think we were only 'friends' or 'friendly' when i was student. we emailed but so did other of his students. i never had high grades anyway

Almighty Aardvark, its ok i'm grateful for feedback cos i never like asking people offline in case they embarass me, so nice to know online
after school was over and we were honest with each other hubby told me he had fantcize about me during when i was at school but i never knew that so i think its ok.
if i knew that i would have been happy anyway lol

hi Dubya, i'm not sure how to say to him to go to couples counselling. not sure how :z, he might be confused cos we always kiss and cuddle and so happy together

Ratty, yep i don't think i want a baby, i did babysitting but i was not as good at babies, mostly 6-10-year-olds. its scary to think of giving birth it seems impossible in a way.

Duffeknol, i miss him everyday when he goes for work i don't wanna leave him.

Olas i guess its hard for people to understand cos only we feel how wonderful it is to cuddle/kiss be together :i

Not Matt, thats ok i'm getting use to it. hubby likes our attention and i might be more comfy in a year. i'm shy so attentions new but i just look in his eyes and i can avoid stares around us.

thanks not_you! that's how i see it too i made sure to not be too smiley until school finished.

Swag lots of people say to me i'm younger than 19, not sure why but it always happens even online or offline.

i agree Esotera, its so interesting to talk with my husband about things i never understood. i am lucky to learn from the best

Whateveralot, that sounds similar to us its so fun to finallly find a boy i trust in all ways. i was so ticklish with exbfs.

Danger Must Silence, i agree hubby was smart and wise and did not have sex with me even though i was emailing him a lot and staring always. it worked out smoothly in the end. other girl students also liked him and emailed too.

 

[JimB]

No offense, but my suspension of disbelief went away with the OP's grammar. Nineteen, you say?

The number of people who seem to agree with this sentiment that no one who has graduated high school could spell mispunctuate as badly as polly95 does really bums me out, because I know plenty of people who graduated high school and are that bad with English. If someone can write English worth a damn, I'll give you at least 3:2 odds English is a second language for them.

 

[polly95]

camazotz but i never had a dad(but i have a stepdad) and hubby never had a daughter.

chinangel, i agree my threads odd but i never could ask anyone this question offline so was eager to ask it online to see what people are whispering about. if i asked offline, i would be embarassed to be 'on the spot' etc

anyways i guess we will find out more about us after our honeymoon time (not the honeymoon but the first 2 years or however long the honeymoon time lasts). i know hubby likes bed a lot but i like to be in his arms every chance i get so even if he mostly likes me for bed i am happy

 

[Foolery]

Hm... odd first post, just saying. Nevertheless, welcome to the Escapist, stay out of the basement and press any red buttons you see around the place.

Okay, when i joined way back when, someone said this to me too. I don't get the 'stay out of the basement' thing (I get the red buttons...oh boy do I get the red buttons ;-; ) but do you mind explaining the basement line?

It's a nickname for the Religion and Politics section of the forums. All the radical and extreme stuff goes on there.
Lots of arguing, warnings, etc. At least that's the definition I was given.

 

[JoJo]

Hm... odd first post, just saying. Nevertheless, welcome to the Escapist, stay out of the basement and press any red buttons you see around the place.

Okay, when i joined way back when, someone said this to me too. I don't get the 'stay out of the basement' thing (I get the red buttons...oh boy do I get the red buttons ;-; ) but do you mind explaining the basement line?

There isn't really an explanation as far as I know, it's just a in-joke me and quite a few others like to keep going for tradition. No idea who started the line, it's clearly been around since 2009 or earlier. I've also seen some jokes around the basement being where banned users are sent, or where trolls lurk, or where Kross lives, but I think they've derivative from the basement quip rather than what inspired it.

 

[Erttheking]

Well when people normally talk about that they usually talk about High School, usually when the student is way too young to know what the Hell they're doing.

 

[polly95]

even in highschool i knew to wait. i never wanted to go to bed with bfs my age, my mind was on my teacher and then when i kept refusing to sleep with my bf he forced himself a lot so i stopped seeing him. and my bf before that was not toooooooooooo forceful but was sneaky at undoing clothes. both made me ticklish around my thighs but the first time hubby touched i was not ticklish