why do people say dating your teacher is wrong? we got married last year and its fantastique

[thehorror2]

Dating A teacher is not wrong. Dating YOUR teacher can be problematic. (For one, how are they supposed to be objective when grading you?) If you get into a relationship with your teacher after you're done working with them that's another matter. (Of course, you getting married so young is probably a factor in your parents' disapproval. A lot of young marriages don't turn out well.)

 

[RedDeadFred]

It's extremely unprofessional. Your teacher may have had a conflict of interest when marking you. This has nothing to do with age gaps, this has to do with that teacher acting extremely unprofessional. If your principal had ever found out about this while you were still in school, your teacher have been fired.

 

[blackrave]

snip

The more I read the more I feel urge to cry
Everything you write reveals person who barely knows things about life and relationship
I wish you well, but I know it won't happen

 

[Imp_Emissary]

Well, pretty much all that can be said has been said about this.

The issue of power in the relationship, what will happen in the long run of the relationship, and talking about the red flags in "hubbies" behavior.

All I have to add is this;

Spoiler: It's all there. No need to count.

i agree Bellvedere, hubby is a problem for my mum and stepedad. they do not really get a long so well
but i never trusted my exbfs. my husband is the only lover i felt happy with and trust :/

thats ok Bathory, we never dated at school, just emailed and stared

Yopaz its ok i know i complained but overall i accept people will stare and whisper about us. nothing can change it. hubby said he likes it. i'm scared by it sometimes but i rather be with hubby than anywhere else

thanks thaluikain, i hope it works, it works for me cos i wish my husband worked at home, thats how much i enjoy him

Ratty ok i will tell him to stop the exhibition fetish :/ my fault too i wear short dresses (its 35-40 degree celcius some days recently!) so its kind of flirty too much.

thanks suitepee7! i was very relieved when i finished school thats for sure i think we were only 'friends' or 'friendly' when i was student. we emailed but so did other of his students. i never had high grades anyway

Almighty Aardvark, its ok i'm grateful for feedback cos i never like asking people offline in case they embarass me, so nice to know online
after school was over and we were honest with each other hubby told me he had fantcize about me during when i was at school but i never knew that so i think its ok.
if i knew that i would have been happy anyway lol

hi Dubya, i'm not sure how to say to him to go to couples counselling. not sure how :z, he might be confused cos we always kiss and cuddle and so happy together

Ratty, yep i don't think i want a baby, i did babysitting but i was not as good at babies, mostly 6-10-year-olds. its scary to think of giving birth it seems impossible in a way.

Duffeknol, i miss him everyday when he goes for work i don't wanna leave him.

Olas i guess its hard for people to understand cos only we feel how wonderful it is to cuddle/kiss be together :i

Not Matt, thats ok i'm getting use to it. hubby likes our attention and i might be more comfy in a year. i'm shy so attentions new but i just look in his eyes and i can avoid stares around us.

thanks not_you! that's how i see it too i made sure to not be too smiley until school finished.

Swag lots of people say to me i'm younger than 19, not sure why but it always happens even online or offline.

i agree Esotera, its so interesting to talk with my husband about things i never understood. i am lucky to learn from the best

Whateveralot, that sounds similar to us its so fun to finallly find a boy i trust in all ways. i was so ticklish with exbfs.

Danger Must Silence, i agree hubby was smart and wise and did not have sex with me even though i was emailing him a lot and staring always. it worked out smoothly in the end. other girl students also liked him and emailed too.

"Ratty ok i will tell him to stop the exhibition fetish :/ my fault too i wear short dresses (its 35-40 degree celcius some days recently!) so its kind of flirty too much."

-_- No.

Unless you wrote on the skirt: "Hey hubby, lift me up", what you pick to wear does not put you at fault.
The blame rest on the person who chose to do it, not who they did it to.
You don't have to accept people making you uncomfortable.

If your husband does love you, I think he can agree to not fondle you in public/private company, if you do not approve.

If he does not, as others said, you shouldn't keep the relationship going.

 

[Vigormortis]

Is OP legit?

No offence but my suspension of disbelief went away with OP's grammar, 19 you say?

I am having a hard time believing this is not a ruse my fellow posters.

That and the relative infancy of the account threw up red flags for me as well. Not to mention the very recent news story of a teacher dating two 15-year-old students of hers.

However, if the OP is legitimate...

From the way you post I can absolutely tell he's taking advantage of you.

We can be respectful and dance around the issue as much as we want here. But all I have to say is get the hell out as quickly as possible. This ain't right.

This.

There's nothing inherently "wrong" with a student dating a teacher, provided the situation is legal and all.

However, from the way the OP's described her relationship it sounds manipulative at best and abusive at worst.

Trust your parents and friends on this one.

 

[polly95]

It's extremely unprofessional. Your teacher may have had a conflict of interest when marking you. This has nothing to do with age gaps, this has to do with that teacher acting extremely unprofessional. If your principal had ever found out about this while you were still in school, your teacher have been fired.

we never did anything wrong cos i only stared at him a lot and emails back+forth. he might have saw i was excited but no kissing :/

With Legion on this one,

I mean if it works out for you, great be married and be happy good for you, but jst seems a little soon to me...

i was planning on marriage for many years so i guess it seems more rushed than it is....

Unless you wrote on the skirt: "Hey hubby, lift me up", what you pick to wear does not put you at fault.
The blame rest on the person who chose to do it, not who they did it to.
You don't have to accept people making you uncomfortable.

If your husband does love you, I think he can agree to not fondle you in public/private company, if you do not approve.

If he does not, as others said, you shouldn't keep the relationship going.

my theory is- my dress being short means that when sit and cuddle him on his lap my cheeks are on his lap. if my dress is longer it means i sit and my dress materials on his lap (not cheeks). so i think when my dress is short and we cuddle it gives me ideas so then when i stand up and we go walking he has it in his head and wants to touch there. i enjoy his hands but just as long as we dont get arrested for exposure or lewd acts etc

 

[polly95]

This.

There's nothing inherently "wrong" with a student dating a teacher, provided the situation is legal and all.

However, from the way the OP's described her relationship it sounds manipulative at best and abusive at worst.

Trust your parents and friends on this one.

i don't feel manipulated- i felt in danger with my exbfs but safe with my husband. he lets me do everything except go for massages with a male :/

 

[Eamar]

he lets me do everything except go for massages with a male :/

Relationships shouldn't be about your partner "letting" you do stuff. He doesn't own you, he's not your dad (or even your teacher these days), and you're not a child. He doesn't get to control you.

You appear to have an incredibly unhealthy idea of what a relationship should be.

 

[polly95]

he lets me do everything except go for massages with a male :/

Relationships shouldn't be about your partner "letting" you do stuff. He doesn't own you, he's not your dad (or even your teacher these days), and you're not a child. He doesn't get to control you.

You appear to have an incredibly unhealthy idea of what a relationship should be.

i only had 2 serious bfs before my husband and both had rough hands. so i guess i do not have much experience but i feel very happy sleeping with my husband and learning from his life experiences too. maybe if i married someone my age i might not learn as much?

 

[Eamar]

i only had 2 serious bfs before my husband and both had rough hands. so i guess i do not have much experience but i feel very happy sleeping with my husband and learning from his life experiences too. maybe if i married someone my age i might not learn as much?

Did it ever occur to you that you don't have to marry someone to learn from them? Or that you don't have to marry the first person you find who isn't "rough" with you? Based on what you've said on these forums, I'd say you shouldn't be married to anyone yet.

Seriously, if this situation is even real, your relationship seems to have a really messed up power dynamic: he's still in the role of the teacher, while you seem happy to play the part of a child.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

I'm 23 and I'd hesitate in dating a teenager. I've grown up a lot in 4 years (although my 19 year old self would probably disagree) just think about how much you'll change in 25 years when you're his age and he's retired.

This is so true, and it's something that isn't brought up enough in age gap discussions. I'm 22, and there's no way in hell I'd date someone who was 18/19, let alone younger. I'm in my fourth and final year at university, and when I look at the new first years it's just astonishing how immature they seem to me now, yet when I was in their position I was convinced that I was a full-grown adult.

People really underestimate how much you change during that period. Not that you don't continue to change afterwards of course, but it really is dramatic in your late teens/early twenties. That's the main reason I would never advocate getting married or having children at that age. If they really are "the one", it won't kill either of you to wait.

EDIT: And before anyone says anything I'm well aware of the fact that at 22 I'm still very young and will inevitably look back on myself in a few years in much the same way I currently look back on my 18 year old self

I don't know about this so much. I agree to a certain extent, but I don't think it is as clear cut as that. I joined the Air Force as an officer at 20, which was 5 years ago now, a position I got because of enhanced maturity at that age. (Something that was needed as I was instantly the boss of people who could be older than my parents.) I have seen a few girls that I met on an online dating site the last couple of years, some of which have been 20-21 to my 24-25, and it has been a mixed bag in terms of wisdom and maturity. One I would not have put at 21 from her sheer drive and grasp of the political world and her level of conversation. Another had a great deal of emotional intelligence, something that isn't usually as astute at age 20.

I think there can be an acceptible level of maturity in the early 20s, it's just harder to find... the majority will appear immature! I went to an 18th party last year... it was a mates little sister's, and we only went to keep him sane... It was carnage... It would have been easier to have volunteered at a crèche... Tears, fighting, vomit, declarations of undying love... and that was just the designated driver...

 

[Eamar]

snip

Seeing as how I'm in my early twenties myself, that's exactly what I was trying to say: that (generally speaking) there's a huge difference between late teens (17/18/19) and early twenties. Something happens in those few years that really changes a lot of people. I wasn't saying that people in their early twenties are particularly immature, quite the opposite in fact.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

snip

Seeing as how I'm in my early twenties myself, that's exactly what I was trying to say: that (generally speaking) there's a huge difference between late teens (17/18/19) and early twenties. Something happens in those few years that really changes a lot of people. I wasn't saying that people in their early twenties are particularly immature, quite the opposite in fact.

Sorry there... it was me being unclear... I have no experience with the late teens, apart from that party, and when I was that age. When I was 18 I was the manager of a White Goods shop as a stop gap before I signed my life on the dotted line. From memory I can't recall anybody my age being any different to me... all my friends were a year or two younger me, and they are still my core friends from home. My point was kinda saying that just from my experience is that it is swings and roundabouts whether there is a difference.

I guess the difference is visibility. As a majority of the immature breed of late teens are the ones that tend to hang around in public areas and get all the visible press. I was a member of the Air Cadets and the kids there were on a whole much more mature than the kids who were my age at school, and no different to those a few years older that I worked with out of school... in fact, at times, more mature!

 

[michael87cn]

So a 41 year old man shows interest in you when you're 16 and... you don't think hes a pedophile or something? I mean... I don't want to sound insulting, but if someone that age was hitting on me or something I would feel like it was very strange.

 

[Eamar]

snip

I was also pretty mature for an 18 year old, as were my friends. The first years at my university that I was talking about are also not "immature" in the obvious way. It's only looking back now a few years later that they (and I) come across as significantly less mature (maybe that's a better way of putting it than "immature"). To just focus on myself and my friends, we are now considerably better educated, have much more developed opinions, and above all have gained important life experiences. That was kind of my point - no matter how mature you think you are in your teens, you're highly likely to look back on yourself and shake your head at how naive/young/stupid you were in some ways. The same will be true in another few years, I'm sure.

The fact is that for most people, the period between say 16 and 20 is when you start to become fully independent, when you transition from a child/adolescent role to that of an adult. During that period you may well be very mature for your age and have responsibilities, but you're still very much learning the ropes.

There will always be exceptions of course, particularly if someone's life experiences force them to grow up quickly.

I'm in no way trying to insult or belittle people in their late teens, I'm just saying that most people change one hell of a lot between the ages of 17/18 and 22/23, for example. More so, I'd say, than at other times in their lives.

 

[polly95]

i only had 2 serious bfs before my husband and both had rough hands. so i guess i do not have much experience but i feel very happy sleeping with my husband and learning from his life experiences too. maybe if i married someone my age i might not learn as much?

Did it ever occur to you that you don't have to marry someone to learn from them? Or that you don't have to marry the first person you find who isn't "rough" with you? Based on what you've said on these forums, I'd say you shouldn't be married to anyone yet.

Seriously, if this situation is even real, your relationship seems to have a really messed up power dynamic: he's still in the role of the teacher, while you seem happy to play the part of a child.

when i was 16 i saw a therapist and she told me i needed to learn from others and listen to people with experience cos i was not making good decisions

 

[polly95]

So a 41 year old man shows interest in you when you're 16 and... you don't think hes a pedophile or something? I mean... I don't want to sound insulting, but if someone that age was hitting on me or something I would feel like it was very strange.

most people might say that he was but when i was 16 it was easy to flirt with adults, it happened at the busstop and tennis court and mums work party, and my body had curves already so i probably looked 30.

 

[Imp_Emissary]

Spoiler: Some stuff.

It's extremely unprofessional. Your teacher may have had a conflict of interest when marking you. This has nothing to do with age gaps, this has to do with that teacher acting extremely unprofessional. If your principal had ever found out about this while you were still in school, your teacher have been fired.

we never did anything wrong cos i only stared at him a lot and emails back+forth. he might have saw i was excited but no kissing :/

Spoiler: More stuff.

With Legion on this one,

I mean if it works out for you, great be married and be happy good for you, but jst seems a little soon to me...

i was planning on marriage for many years so i guess it seems more rushed than it is....

Unless you wrote on the skirt: "Hey hubby, lift me up", what you pick to wear does not put you at fault.
The blame rest on the person who chose to do it, not who they did it to.
You don't have to accept people making you uncomfortable.

If your husband does love you, I think he can agree to not fondle you in public/private company, if you do not approve.

If he does not, as others said, you shouldn't keep the relationship going.

my theory is- my dress being short means that when sit and cuddle him on his lap my cheeks are on his lap. if my dress is longer it means i sit and my dress materials on his lap (not cheeks). so i think when my dress is short and we cuddle it gives me ideas so then when i stand up and we go walking he has it in his head and wants to touch there. i enjoy his hands but just as long as we dont get arrested for exposure or lewd acts etc

:/ Eh, don't get me wrong. As long as it's legal, and mutual, do what ya want.

It just kind of sounds like you're not inputting enough of your own thoughts/feelings into the decisions of the relationship.
It's good to listen to others, and take advice. But you should not do so without question, or checking if you really agree.

All I'm saying is; Make sure you set the "rules of the relationship" WITH your husband.
If something is done you don't approve of, tell him so he can understand.

One person can't be calling ALL the shots in a relationship, and have it end up healthy.
If you have talked about what crosses the line, and what's okay, you should be fine.

Unless the rules are being ignored. Then you have yourself a problem.
Once again: the person at fault would be the one breaking the rules.

All in all, I wish ya best of luck.

 

[SilverLion]

[Edit: just for the record, I don't see the guy as some malicious perv with bad intentions or anything, rather just as naive and not-very-clear-headed as she is. More on that in the rest of the comment]

he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

its kind of scary but small price for love

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

All of this, and

i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..

LEGALLY there's nothing wrong with this scenario, I suppose...but really from the sounds of it you are in waaaaaay over your head and setting yourself up for a world of heartache.

Look, you seem like a reasonably sweet girl and all, but from the vibes I'm getting from you so far I can't help getting the feeling that you are far too green & naive to be jumping into a MARRIAGE to a guy nearly three times your age, who seems to just be getting off that an old guy like him is able to show off a "pretty young thing" like you around all the time like, as these other posters are saying, as a trophy girlfriend/wife. The fact that he's never been married and is probably happy as hell that a woman likes him like this, and that you rushed into this due to your fantasies of being a wife just...yeah I can't imagine this going well at all.

It sounds like the two of you are falling in love with the IDEA/FANTASY of one another rather than the actual person themselves. And it's coming out of a place of desperation; again, he's just happy that a pretty female is infatuated with him, and you've been burned before so you're looking for someone "not like other guys" and he happens to fit the bill. The other is the right person at the right time...but are the the right person for the REST of your time? For anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows that that wuvvy-duvvy cherubs and rainbows honeymoon period you're going through right now doesn't last very long, and if you two aren't ready for the hardships of maintaining a serious life partnership, it can leave major emotional scars that are going to stick with you...

(You're young so you have a probably better chance at recovering/bouncing back than he would [or maybe he'd be at that "fuck it" stage, I dunno], but still. It's okay to fuck up and bump your head every once in a while, but if you can avoid trainwrecks, it's better to pull yourself a Neo and bullet-time outta harms way...)

I don't know the two of you so I could be entirely off with all of this, but in my humble opinion that you're free to listen to or dismiss however you like.....neither one of you sound like you are anywhere close to being ready for this kind of major commitment.

If you really, REALLY believe in your heart of hearts this can work, then have a serious heart-to-heart sitdown with him and just go over what the two of you want out of this relationship and your gameplan on how to make it work. Invest a little in some couples counseling and just keep being proactive into making sure this is how you want your lives to go. It's better to question early and get a definitive answer now than to find out you weren't right for each other once it's too late.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck...

Good advice. Also please please please whatever you do don't rush into having children. I've seen so many people try to have children when they were having trouble because they thought it would make their relationship stronger. It never does, it usually just winds up making babies who can't be properly cared for.
Plus, if you had a baby right now your husband would be well into in his 60s when it turned 20. And your husband would never be able to retire because he'd have to stay on to support the child, which are very expensive. Plus the 40s is just too old to stay up all night taking care of a baby, believe me I've seen the effects it has on people that age. All the stress it puts on them makes them age much much faster.

Hey, older men can take care of babies. My Dad had his 4th and currently final child when he was 50, and he's a produce farmer so it's not like he has a cushy job, but he's doing a damn fine job of raising him, he never seems stressed out and I'd say Dad actually looks quite young for his age.
Understand your concenrs, but please don't generalize on subjects you don't have first-hand experience with.

 

[SilverLion]

Wow, didn't know that so many people on this forum are that gullible. Do you all seriously believe this, between the exorbitantly bad grammar and the story itself? There's just no way...

I deliberately didn't post in this thread (or the other topic that this user made) because no matter how much this looks like forum bait, no matter how much my spider sense was tingling, you never know for sure whether it is someone lying for attention, or just a very naive person in a really bad situation.

Cases exactly like the OPs have happened before, and they will again. People rush into relationships, and even marriages with people who are very unsuitable and possibly dangerous, and it is only after the deeds have been done that the victim is able to realise they have been used, and perhaps by then it is too late.

It is most likely that this user is just spinning a fantastic yarn and laughing at all the controversy, but there is a very real chance that this post could be legitimate, and in that case we should all be very careful how we approach giving advice/abuse to an unknown poster a whole world away that we do not know any personal details about except the very brief description provided, because at the other end of every single forum post is a human being, that will be affected by everything we say to them.

I've seen situations not that dissimilar to the OPs in my personal life. It's not to much of a stretch to imagine that someone in such a situation where their friends and parents don't seem to listen would seek a truly annonymous way of getting opinions and advice.

I don't believe this story, but I can't disprove it either, and therefore we all need to be very careful about what we say to what could very well be a vulnerable person crying for help.

My personal philosophy on debates like this is ALWAYS treat it as serious. If they are lying, then the only harm is that you feel a bit silly reacting seriously to a troll. But if it IS serious, then there is a whole lot of messed up shit that could be going on, and you might need to give some serious anonymous advice.
Personally I don't like the sound of this guy. he sounds like a lech. And besides, when you're 30 and not as fresh and young looking as you are now, what's to say he won't decide to go after someone a little... fresher... if you catch my meaning. Personally, I would propose an experiment; start shaming him for two or three weeks, refuse to sleep in his bed, start getting bossy, all that stuff. I'm not saying this to be a flamer, but over those two or three weeks see how he reacts. If he seems callous, indifferent or abusive, then get the hell out of there while you still can!
Hopefully, we're just overreacting and he is a nice guy, if a little cheeky. But still: Please, PLEASE think this through!