Why Twilight is nonsensical.

[Mordreich]

The sparkly bastard rocks a little plastic dick-splint obviously.

 

[Akai Shizuku]

Yes to everyone out there after 1 year Twilight Vampires possess no blood of their own(I googled it). Maybe they retain the ability to get a boner because they have control over their muscles? Also there are even inconsistencies in Star Gate.

Boners are caused by blood rushing to your dick. No blood, no boner.

Also, as it has been previously mentioned on this page, in Twilight all a "vampire's" fluids become their "venom". In which case, it still wouldn't cause a boner, and even if it did, Edward would have turned Bella into a vampire right on the spot...just after eating the fuck out of her pillows like they were potato chips.

Your penis is also one big muscle thus having the magical ability to have full control over your muscles and also it would be able to be filled with venom. It doesn't turn Bella into a vampire bcause it turns her kid into a Vampire in fact it turns all kids into vampires. So I guess there aren't any inconsistencies this time.

It still comes into contact with Bella and thus should turn her into a "vampire". In addition to this, a Twilight "vampire" has no beating heart, so what's pumping the venom into Edward's sparkly dick?

 

[Glademaster_v1legacy]

Yes to everyone out there after 1 year Twilight Vampires possess no blood of their own(I googled it). Maybe they retain the ability to get a boner because they have control over their muscles? Also there are even inconsistencies in Star Gate.

Boners are caused by blood rushing to your dick. No blood, no boner.

Also, as it has been previously mentioned on this page, in Twilight all a "vampire's" fluids become their "venom". In which case, it still wouldn't cause a boner, and even if it did, Edward would have turned Bella into a vampire right on the spot...just after eating the fuck out of her pillows like they were potato chips.

Your penis is also one big muscle thus having the magical ability to have full control over your muscles and also it would be able to be filled with venom. It doesn't turn Bella into a vampire bcause it turns her kid into a Vampire in fact it turns all kids into vampires. So I guess there aren't any inconsistencies this time.

It still comes into contact with Bella and thus should turn her into a "vampire". In addition to this, a Twilight "vampire" has no beating heart, so what's pumping the venom into Edward's sparkly dick?

Just because a Vampire spits on a human should turn them into one right by that logic. It doesn't actually properly go into the blood stream. Movement pumps blood around the body to an extent if you want to go that route.

 

[Akai Shizuku]

Yes to everyone out there after 1 year Twilight Vampires possess no blood of their own(I googled it). Maybe they retain the ability to get a boner because they have control over their muscles? Also there are even inconsistencies in Star Gate.

Boners are caused by blood rushing to your dick. No blood, no boner.

Also, as it has been previously mentioned on this page, in Twilight all a "vampire's" fluids become their "venom". In which case, it still wouldn't cause a boner, and even if it did, Edward would have turned Bella into a vampire right on the spot...just after eating the fuck out of her pillows like they were potato chips.

Your penis is also one big muscle thus having the magical ability to have full control over your muscles and also it would be able to be filled with venom. It doesn't turn Bella into a vampire bcause it turns her kid into a Vampire in fact it turns all kids into vampires. So I guess there aren't any inconsistencies this time.

It still comes into contact with Bella and thus should turn her into a "vampire". In addition to this, a Twilight "vampire" has no beating heart, so what's pumping the venom into Edward's sparkly dick?

Just because a Vampire spits on a human should turn them into one right by that logic. It doesn't actually properly go into the blood stream. Movement pumps blood around the body to an extent if you want to go that route.

It might go into Bella's bloodstream. In fact, it wouldn't make sense if it didn't, considering Edward went down on her so freaking hard that he had to use his teeth to turn her pillow into cotton mulch.

Movement is nowhere near enough to give someone a boner. Doesn't matter how fast or how much you move, that alone is not turning Mr. Floppy into Captain Cock of Doom.

 

[Glademaster_v1legacy]

snip

Well there is the argument that is skin is marble ergo he has a constant hard on. Also does it really matter Twilight fans don't care in fact she could probably fuck the whole mythos out the window and people would still read it.

 

[Jonluw]

Your penis is also one big muscle thus having the magical ability to have full control over your muscles and also it would be able to be filled with venom.

Not from what I am told: The human penis is made up of three columns of tissue: two corpora cavernosa lie next to each other on the dorsal side and one corpus spongiosum lies between them on the ventral side. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis](wikipedia, possibly NSFW)

However, I admit, if he indeed has one hundred percent control of his muscles he might be able to direct blood to his penis. It is my opinion that this would require extreme concentration though.

 

[Glademaster_v1legacy]

snip

Did you even read my comment above this?

 

[mr_pants66]

there are 10,000 things wrong with twilight BUT it is aimed at people without much brain power who cant see the problems and just go with it

 

[Jonluw]

snip

Did you even read my comment above this?

Did not. I apologize. Still; we are discussing how the mechanics of vampire sex would work, the fact that the fans of the series would not care whether it is physically possible is hardly relevant.

 

[CrashBang]

You don't need to try and make sense of the most awful insult to literature and movie making in the history of ever, because there's no way it could suck any more of it tried
However, I must thank you for having another thing I can rip into Twilight about, and you do raise a very interesting point

 

[Varun Garuda Maharaj]

The vampires sparkle.
The warewolves aren't warewolves, they're just 'shapeshifters.'
The heroine is a complete nonentity.

Need I say more?

nope

 

[Akai Shizuku]

snip

Well there is the argument that is skin is marble ergo he has a constant hard on.

http://buzznet-86.vo.llnwd.net/assets/users16/sonata/default/The_Cullens--large-msg-120371660681.jpg

I don't see a boner. Therefore, he either cannot get one or he has no dick, in either case he cannot fuck.

However, I admit, if he indeed has one hundred percent control of his muscles he might be able to direct blood to his penis. It is my opinion that this would require extreme concentration though.

http://www.alexsdbzrpg.com/images/Vegeta%20SSJ.jpg
"I must...concentrate...OR I WILL NEVER GET A BONER!"

 

[Aesir23]

Thumb it in... takes longer... still effective in baby making.

Dead bodies don't produce sperm. Even if they did, those would die faster than new ones were created.

I read the last book unfortunately. And from what I can gather, the Twilight vampires aren't actually undead but actually frozen in time, thus still able to produce sperm. Incubi basically.

Personally, all I can say this. Urge to kill Meyer rising.

 

[AngloDoom]

Thumb it in... takes longer... still effective in baby making.

Dead bodies don't produce sperm. Even if they did, those would die faster than new ones were created.

...Dead bodies don't usually fuck people either.

I wondered this too when I thought about it but, to be honest, it doesn't need to make sense. There are mentions of magic, which never gets explained, shapeshifters (some of which are connected to vampires, some aren't), and psychic powers. If getting it up is the biggest unexplained phenomenon in the book to you, you're obviously quite jaded to the tropes and clichés we're all so used to swallowing in fantasy by now.

 

[Crystal Cuckoo]

Have you guys realised that you have spent over an hour fantasising about an undead penis?

 

[Akai Shizuku]

Have you guys realised that you have spent over an hour fantasising about an undead penis?

I...we....the...

Fuck.

....
......................
.....................................................

We're...um....having a hypothetical scientific discussion?

 

[deus-ex-machina]

Seriously, Darren Shan's work is poop too. Most teenage fiction is.

You, me, outside, now.

Darren Shan's books are fantastic.

If it's not your type, that doesn't make it crap, it just makes you a jackass for saying it is.

(Wow, my fanboy gene just got tripped}

So you would agree that... wow, the apparant vast majority of users on the Escapist... are also jackasses [what IS the plural?] for hating on Twilight too? 'Tis the same thing you're essentially suggesting there for people having an opinion.

Although I'm sad you're the only one to perk up and make the point. I thought everyone who hadn't nested in the world of adult fiction loved Darren Shan.

No offense, I read a couple of Darren Shan books in a day when staying with my fiancee's family so essentially I stepped back from mature writing to reading that teenage fiction. I think it's a lot harder to do it that way. I'd probably hate RL Stine or Point Horror if I were to go back and read them now.

I just don't see how so many people can hate Twilight and not Darren Shan. They both make vampires look awful rather than Bladesque which is what the people want because some God of Vampire Fiction unbeknownst to me apparently made those vampires canon. They're both teenage fiction so it is pretty PG even when trying to be hardcore, the characters are annoying - oh and the Vampires Assistant was a terrible, terrible movie too. It's all kind of hypocritical for people to be so outspoken about one series and not the series if their argument is that Twilight ruins vampires.

I now think the Twilight hate is utterly mundane - especially on these forums when the peak of wit appears to be 'Derp, vampires don't sparkle! I hate Twilight!' - the OP was an interesting point, but yet it spiralled into another thread of repetitive anal bore. The comments spawned from the hate are just as terrible as Meyer's writing abilities. Or Shan's.

 

[sb666]

snip

Well there is the argument that is skin is marble ergo he has a constant hard on.

http://buzznet-86.vo.llnwd.net/assets/users16/sonata/default/The_Cullens--large-msg-120371660681.jpg

I don't see a boner. Therefore, he either cannot get one or he has no dick, in either case he cannot fuck.

However, I admit, if he indeed has one hundred percent control of his muscles he might be able to direct blood to his penis. It is my opinion that this would require extreme concentration though.

http://www.alexsdbzrpg.com/images/Vegeta%20SSJ.jpg
"I must...concentrate...OR I WILL NEVER GET A BONER!"

you sir are hilarious

 

[Kurokami]

Say what you will about Twilight, but when critics of the series say Stephanie Meyer contradicts her own plot, they aren't kidding. Allow me to explain.

<spoiler=Yes this is a real spoiler alert>Later in the series, Edward the sparkly "vampire" and Bella have a baby. Jacob pedo jokes aside, it makes no sense that Edward and Bella had this kid, because it makes no sense that Edward and Bella can have sex. You see, the Twilight "vampires" are supposed to be undead. This by itself is a worthy reason, but what I'm really getting at is the fact that they have no blood in their bodies, save that which they drink. If vampires have no blood in their bodies, how the fuck does Edward get a boner?

Can anyone answer this question, or am I right in assuming that the series is nonsensical bullshit?

...

...

That's like asking how Ash in pokemon manages to grab a hold of Ponyta's flame tail in one episode.

The horse is on fire.

 

[Glademaster_v1legacy]

snip

Did you even read my comment above this?

Did not. I apologize. Still; we are discussing how the mechanics of vampire sex would work, the fact that the fans of the series would not care whether it is physically possible is hardly relevant.

I was more talking about the comment of having vemon in his system instead of blood and full control over his muscles. As the heart being a muscle he could force it pump a bit of venom in there.

snip

It could just be really teeny tiny.