Women Troubles

[Hoplon]

Let?s set the existence-of-God issue aside for a later volume, and just stipulate that in some way, self-replicating organisms came into existence on this planet and immediately began trying to get rid of each other, either by spamming their environments with rough copies of themselves, or by more direct means which hardly need to be belabored. Most of them failed, and their genetic legacy was erased from the universe forever, but a few found some way to survive and to propagate. After about three billion years of this sometimes zany, frequently tedious fugue of carnality and carnage, Godfrey Waterhouse IV was born, in Murdo, South Dakota, to Blanche, the wife of a Congregational preacher named Bunyan Waterhouse. Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo?which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time. Everyone and everything that wasn?t a stupendous badass was dead.

As nightmarishly lethal, memetically programmed death-machines went, these were the nicest you could ever hope to meet.

Always comforts me in dark times that paragraph.

 

[The Funslinger]

As someone I knew once put it, the "40 Year Old Virgin" was actually just a future history version of my life, but they put in the happy ending because the original ending was too sad and depressing.

Okay, piece of advice: First of all, we remodel this person's face with our fist before doing anything else.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

snip

Thankyou for the cookie.

You don't have to mention the anime. Not everyone has to like everything that their other half does.

I think you are overthinking it. hugs. x

My advice to you would be to just get on with life. Like what you like do what you do. Eventually you will meet that special someone.

 

[Flames66]

Sometimes I wish I was still single. I'm 30 and I've got a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together about a year and a half, of that she's worked maybe 5 months. Today I asked her when she planned on getting a job, she lives with me and I pay all of the bills, pay for cigarettes, gas, car insurance, give her spending money, etc. Her reponse? Why do you ask that? That's so random.

I wanted to say, ***** I need fucking help. I wanted to say here's 500 dollars, that ought get you back to the east coast so you can go live with your mother. I just said, do I need a reason? I would like you to get a job.

Ditch her now. If I was in that position she would have been gone long ago.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

I?m beginning to believe that the male sex drive is a man?s worst enemy, being what drives 90% of a man?s overall attitude towards a woman. But I know that?s completely stupid of me to say.

Anyway, I don?t know what I can say that you probably haven?t already heard. Treat women like people, ignore your fears and break past them, and?most importantly?just don?t worry about it so much. More often than not, the guys that get girls are the ones that don?t look as if they care that much about female companionship. They?re not the shallow and sexually frustrated losers that start kissing the boots of any woman that shows them even the slightest, offhand strand of kindness.

I?m 16 at the moment, and while I?m probably like a lot of other teenage males in that I?m feeling that subconscious societal pressure that makes me feel an annoying twinge of jealousy whenever I see my old best friend being all lovey with his girlfriend, I just say to myself, ?It?ll happen eventually for me too. Soon, I?ll be having some therapy that?ll teach me to love myself before I love others?I mean, beyond some silly little crush over a pretty girl that was nice to me once. Soon, I?ll be out of the house and in university, I?ll make some new friends, and I?ll be going to parties and meeting new people, some of which being members of the opposite sex. I just have to stop thinking about it so much.?

 

[Leftnt Sharpe]

*snip*

Its like your life is parallel to mine.....this all sounds very familiar lol.

 

[Moth_Monk]

OP you should get some sun... [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hf02SGcMPvo#t=0m20s]

 

[AquaAscension]

*Yay, A cookie!!!!*

Okay. Basically, you're not intelligent interpersonally. Don't think of that as an insult. I promise you, it's not. Why? Well, I'll talk about that in a sec.

Secondarily, get over yourself. "I don't talk about" this or "I'm making them uncomfortable" or "I... I... I..." aye,yai yai man, it starts to become nonsense. You view yourself as awkward. Hence, you are awkward. Honestly, I think you just need practice at things like talking, relationships, talking to girls, etc. Best way to do this? Make friends with women. You don't need to be sexually attracted to women to talk to them. Be a friend, ask advice, practice talking. Done. But foremost, you've GOT TO get outside your own head. Right now, you're being very egocentric - what you see is what is true. It doesn't work like that. The only way to get around that is to ask questions of people. Get advice, talk.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something. That's 10 years if you were to do it 20 hours a week. 5 years if you do it 40 hours a week. Start conversations, and start them soon. Don't worry about what's being talked about. Ask questions, LISTEN (the most important part), and respond in a way that is truthful but interesting. People like to talk about themselves. Ask questions. Try to connect the conversation with stuff you like (even if it's just in your own brain). Talking about music isn't boring or meaningless. Learn something about the music. You can talk about the timbre of the song, the melody, the lyrics (hell, pick apart a Katy Perry song for fun if you want), the beat. Think about stuff. Talk about what you think about, but ask questions first. Find friends.

I think the best way to find friends is to do stuff you like. Towns usually have something called a library. If you're lucky, your local library will host events to bring the community together. I know several libraries which host anime clubs. Go join that. If you want to do something completely out of your comfort zone but totally awesome, learn to swing dance. Swing is very friendly and relaxed. You don't have to dance close to your partner if you don't want to. Also, (and this has worked for me) it allows you to have physical contact with another person in which you don't have to think about it meaning anything. It just is.

Oh, right. The good news is that you are not a plant. You're not static. You're dynamic. You breathe and move on your own without the need of the sun for energy (directly). This also means that you can increase your interpersonal intelligence. Through practice. Just like you can increase your vocabulary by reading and writing. Have fun with it.

Good luck. But don't rely on luck. Focus on action - getting out of your comfort zone. You don't have to conform completely, but finding some common ground (like, say, being human) is a good place to start. Realize that most everyone is just as scared and awkward as you are. And if they say they aren't, they're lying.

 

[saintdane05]

I say screw woman. I just prefer to be rammed up the ass. Feels nicer to.

 

[CAPTCHA]

You just sound like you're a bit shy; that'll pass as you get older. You can speak on a forum pretty elequently so you obviously aren't thick or socially inept. Just keep your chin up dude, it'll happen for you one day and then you'll have a whole bunch of new problems to deal with.

 

[Paragon Fury]

People keep asking why I want a girlfriend, and if I had to list the reason, they'd probably go something like this (in no particular order):

Yes, I would eventually like to have sex at some point. Without having to pay for it.

It'd be nice to come home to someone who isn't my cat.

It'd be nice to have someone who is happy to see me for reasons not related to my being the person who operates the magical food dispenser or because I know the location of the magical toothed device that makes his back feel good.

As noted before, said cat is not the greatest conversationalist. Come to think of it he's not a terribly good listener either.

There must be something positive to being in such a relationship - after all, these couples I see all the time don't appear to be terribly unhappy or put because of it; they seem positively happy most of the time.

Because the idea that I'm going to be spending the next 60-70 years until I die working and coming home alone is a rather depressing and bleak future I'd rather not see come true, though I must accept that it is a distinct possibility at this juncture.

And yes, I do consider it a bit of a personal shortcoming in a way. That I apparently can't do something as simple are core to the human race as forming a meaningful and working relationship with a member the opposite is more than a bit disheartening - and it kind of takes the wind out of your sail when you can rattle off this whole list of things you've done or accomplished, but all someone has to do is let slip that you've never had a girlfriend and BAM! - you lose almost instantly.

Besides all the personal reasons, I don't think its fair that we exclude the societal reasons - like for instance how its harder for single people to find jobs, get raises, find affordable housing, get loans, or how we get sick more often and tend to die sooner compared to our non-single brethren.

 

[lumenadducere]

Sometimes I wish I was still single. I'm 30 and I've got a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together about a year and a half, of that she's worked maybe 5 months. Today I asked her when she planned on getting a job, she lives with me and I pay all of the bills, pay for cigarettes, gas, car insurance, give her spending money, etc. Her reponse? Why do you ask that? That's so random.

I wanted to say, ***** I need fucking help. I wanted to say here's 500 dollars, that ought get you back to the east coast so you can go live with your mother. I just said, do I need a reason? I would like you to get a job.

So she huffed and puffed and went into the office, and I could hear her ***** about me turning off her computer. I went in there and said I'm sorry did you say something? She just said to leave me alone. I said well when you pay the electric bill, you can leave everything on if you want.

My point is, do you really want to be in a relationship? You do everything for these women and then they don't appreciate shit. Aim low, set your sights on female company first. Let it evolve.

I rush into shit constantly because I'm watching all my friends get married, have children, etc. Fuck, I don't have any friends left. I have one guy that I meet up at Dennys sometimes. The rest are married and do not call anymore. If I tell my girlfriend to hit the road, I plan on being single for a looooong time. I just bought my first house this month. There are so many other enjoyable things I could be doing besides being in a strained realtionship. It's hard because I care for her, but she is constantly testing my patience.

I've dated a lot of women. A lot, dozens. I've never managed to be in a relationship longer than 2 years. I consider myself pretty reasonable; but every woman has been more trouble than she has been worth for me so far. I hope if you do find somoene, you find someone worth it.

Do you have a type? Because maybe you should consider dating girls you normally wouldn't go for if all the ones you've dated have "been more trouble than she's worth." As it is it seems like your perspective has been pretty skewed judging by the generalizations you made on your post. Just a thought. I know it's tough because you care for her but from an outsider's perspective it's best to nip these things in the bud and move on to better, healthier times. I also know it's tough seeing everyone you know getting married and settling and you still being single, but if you're not addressing things now then it just gets worse later. Sometimes you can't avoid rocking the boat if you don't want to hit the iceberg in 10 years.

And it's a little ridiculous for a random internet guy that you don't know to give you advice on stuff like this but I figure I might as well try. But from the tiny bit of info you gave here there's either an issue with the type of women you're attracted to or maybe there's something else that you don't realize you're doing that turns people away. Either way, be forthright and honest and have a heart-to-heart where you (very plainly and kindly) make what you want known. Because there's a disconnect there and if stuff like this just lingers without being addressed then it festers and next thing you know you're in an unhappy marriage because you were worried about being alone since your friends were leaving and hey, you liked her enough.

EDIT: And to the OP, you're letting your sexuality mess with your behavior way too much. Which sounds ridiculous, I know, but bear with me for a second while I try to explain. If you freeze up around women and yet not around men, then my assumption is that you're viewing almost every woman as a potential partner. Thus you're worried about what to say, how you're acting, whether they'll like you or not, etc. If you're approaching them without that assumption - with the "maybe things will go a certain way" then that's interfering with your ability to actually communicate and is just making things more awkward.

And if that is the case (and think for a good long while before you determine whether you're doing it or not) then you need to do what you can to just throw it all out of your mind. I would actually recommend that for a good long while you just try and become friends with new people who happen to be women. And I'm not saying this as a "be a Nice Guy" thing at all - these women you should approach wholeheartedly with the intent of becoming just friends. None of this "Friend Zone" BS, because you can't get put into the "Friend Zone" if you never have any intent of being anything else in the first place. And just hang out with and make some genuine, new friends. In doing so you'll not only A) get experience talking to women but B) gain the practical knowledge that women are regular people just like men. Again, that sounds silly, but there's a difference between knowing something in theory and knowing it in practice. If you know in theory that women are normal people but don't know truly know it from practical experience, then it's going to get built up into something strange in your head and mess with you.

So yes, try and make some friends. And if you feel your hobbies are an issue, then don't mention them for the first few times you hang out. People are weird in that the less exposure and knowledge they have of something the more likely they are to buy into the stereotypes and myths they hear. So if all someone knows (or rather, thinks they know) about anime is that it's weird and that weird people like it, then you need to have them actually get to know you before they get exposed to any of that stuff. So they get to know you and get comfortable with you and realize that you're a normal person, and then you mention that you've seen an anime or two and that it was actually not bad. Pick something like Ghost in the Shell or something else that has a broader appeal. And then slowly build up from there.

 

[Zach of Fables]

I just moved to a new city and found that Meetup.com is amazing. I know that there are anime meetups even though I personally haven't attended any. It can bring people together for just about any interest and quite a few of them are single and of the feminine variety. And even though I am not particularly suave or handsome, I have managed to successfully get some action this way .

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

So there, thats my rant/tirade. Congrats, you made it through.

I made it through because I wanted to prove myself right. After reading the first few paragraphs I started to think you felt like a victim, whether you realized it or not, and I reckon it was prevalent throughout the entire post. I also reckon it's the reason why you haven't improved much.

You need to stop looking at what's wrong and making reasons for them and start thinking about how you can improve it.

Spoiler: Let's go through the points you made

Most people will tell you I'm quiet and reserved - I don't speak unless I feel its important, or its to question/investigate a topic at hand. My conversations with people whom I'm not on a name basis with tend to be punctuated with "Sir, Miss/Ma'am" or their title (Doctor, Professor, etc.). I don't ask and avoid talking to people about trivial things like music, sports and the like; and I avoid boring or making things awkward by talking about stuff I like or do.

Okay, that's totally a self-confidence thing. You need to start making conversation with people if you want to have a successful relationship, hell even just a better social life. All you need to do is talk about interesting things, and the only really difficult part is thinking of something interesting. One easy way to do it is to try and talk about them, throwing in your own personal stories to keep the ball rolling, but don't let the conversation lull.

Nor am I a particularly attractive person - while I'm not ugly, I'm not going to be singled out for my looks either.

Change that then. Buy some new clothes that make you look better, get a haircut too. If you're not happy with your physique then you need to join a gym. None of this needs to be expensive, it just needs to make you look good. It's really easy, just get someone who knows what they're doing to help if you're unsure.

I've never been a fan of crowded spaces, and I avoid making myself the center of any kind of attention unless I need to.

Also a self-confidence thing. Rather than trying to make yourself the centre of attention, try and establish yourself in the group of people you're with. Just make sure your voice is heard.

When I attempt to talk to women, my brain almost stops working. I have to fight for words, there are a lot of long, awkward pauses and me trying to end the conversation quickly because I'm obviously making them uncomfortable or I'm making a fool of myself. I guess that fortunately there isn't much for me to talk about usually.

You've went and put every woman on a pedestal then. Your brain stops working because you think they're too important. In reality they're just people, worst case scenario is that they don't like you and you never talk again which is never going to be a big deal. Like I said before, try and make the conversation last, instead of long awkward pauses try and rattle off a response to what the person you're talking to just said. If you find you can't do that then change the topic. It helps to have a beer (or any other drink in hand) so you can make an excuse for not talking while you drink and come up with something to say.

If they feel genuinely uncomfortable, which I'll tell you occurs far less often than you think, then you need to work on your body language. The rule of thumb is to hold your shoulders back and your head high, lean in slightly to talk to them closer instead of standing closer and project your voice well. Smile too.

Then there is the problem of the things I do like generally not being popular AT ALL with women; namely anime and video games. Video games are kind of a semi-problem I guess, since plenty of guys get along with women and play video games. The real sticking issue tends to be anime; because while I enjoy the normal assortment of perfectly explainable and anime that even women might/do like, such as say Ghost in the Shell, Witch Hunter Robin, Spice and Wolf etc., among my favorite anime are shows that are extremely difficult to explain to any potenial woman/girlfriend, and something that I've had more than a couple people tell me is the problem.

Mutual interests aren't necessary. You need to have conversation topics to start with and then work on your interests together when you're actually in the relationship. Though it's a good idea to work on some interesting hobbies that make you seem awesome. Have a look at some outdoor activities like rock climbing if you really don't think you do anything interesting, just broaden your horizons a little.

If you do these then you should get your foot in the door for starting a relationship.Don't put yourself down though, and don't make excuses, if you aren't happy with something then you need to change it.

But seriously, don't put attractive women on pedestals. They're just people that you want to have sex with, the worst they can ever do is turn you down. Don't ever let your self-worth be determined by someone else's opinion of you.

Sorry for being a patronizing dick, too.

 

[Viirin]

I used to be too afraid to talk to anyone, or respond to anything anyone said to me. I was afraid of what they'd do to me if I said the wrong thing, which was pretty much a guarantee.
What changed? Three things, listed below, in order.

1. Working on a "free shard" for Ultima Online. I got it myself, and anyone can do it, so social interaction wasn't needed. Anyway, what it put in my brain: The monsters in the world are not always there, just the spawners activate when a player is within a couple screens. That causes the spawners to activate and create monsters and NPCs and such, so it SEEMS like it's a real world. It started me thinking. Okay, enough people in the world, let's face it, are so stupid that you can't imagine they're actually real. I mean, how could this individual have even learned to tie their shoelaces they're such a moron? Then I thought "Hey, maybe there's an invisible, incorporeal spawner somewhere, and because I'm within a set distance, that's how this person exists! They don't!" They're just there to make it LOOK like they're real and there's other people. I wasn't as afraid of people anymore because they're effectively fragments of my own imagination and nothing more. I mean, anyone reading this doesn't know if I'm real or not, so what's to stop you from deciding I'm just a voice in your head?

2. Working as a security guard. I thought the job was a joke and a waste of time, and I'm sure most if not all of you reading this agree. Well, one post I had was a condominium complex. I was called on my cell phone by my dispatch, who said that the client manager was hearing a party on the opposite side of the complex from where I was. I had to go and make them be quiet, then stop the party and send everyone home. The reason was they don't be quiet (previous incursions) so just stop the party. I knew I'd be fired and have no where to live, so I had to do it if I wanted to earn my minimum wage. I found the party- gang members. Approximately twenty of them, some of them armed, all of them drunk. I had to go into the apartment to find the renter, and while standing in the middle of these guys, all looking angry, I had to demand that they stop the party, be quiet, and go home. I survived that, and since then the threat of death has meant nothing to me.

3. A girlfriend. There was a girl one day in college that I couldn't help but stare at, and on the last day of class, she said that she couldn't leave early though the test was done, because her ride ditched her. I offered to drive her home, thinking that this hot hot hot girl was going to be snobbish and have a superiority complex, but instead she accepted. Not what I expected. On the way, she said that she loved everyone, including me. The only times I had heard that word was from females who were attacking me while saying it. She said to a sociologist professor we had together that she saw in my face that I wanted nothing more than to kill her then and there, which I agreed to. She said that she knows I'm a gamer because that was my degree I was enrolled in, and that's why she didn't die- my sense of chivalry from playing a hero in games for so long, and it isn't chivalrous to kill a maiden in distress you just offered to rescue. Couldn't disagree with that one, either. Between those times, though, I would be ready to leave the school for a dinner break, and if I saw her, I'd ask if she was hungry. She said no, then when asked, admitted she didn't eat that day. I said that she was in fact hungry, and is coming with me. I didn't ask if she wanted to go, I simply informed her that she was. I didn't realize that was dating, actually. Eventually, it came down to just "I'm hungry. Coming?" to which the answer was always 'yes'. One day, after months of this, I told her that my 10 year high school graduation reunion was coming up, and asked if she'd go with me as a fake date so I don't look like as much of a loser as I really am. She said it would be a real date, which made me very nervous, to the point I almost couldn't speak. I said "that would be my first date". She said "What do you think we've been doing these past months?" Other females that I was interested in at the college but never talked to started going out of their way to talk to me over the few years she and I dated, and a couple people said how awesome I treat her. So maybe you can generalize that for your own use? Date one of the females you mentioned you weren't interested in, and other females will see what a great guy you are and want you for themselves, deciding the other girl doesn't deserve you, but they do. Not going to say this will work, or not backfire, but it's all I can think to suggest with this run-on paragraph.

I'm hoping at least something I said helped you somehow. I seriously don't want to think I opened myself up that much for nothing. Let me know in PM or something if you don't say it here, ya?

 

[Phasmal]

Yes, I would eventually like to have sex at some point. Without having to pay for it.

It'd be nice to come home to someone who isn't my cat.

Well, I wouldn't open with either of those lines.

You clearly need to work on how you talk to women.
As other people suggested, talk to women in a non-sexual basis.
The internet's good for that too, so you don't wig out cause it's not face to face.

Find some female friends, who will show you that women are not some weird non-human race who fart rainbows and piss wine.

Try and be comfortable in yourself, if you come off as desperate, women will notice. We can smell it from a mile off.
So what if you haven't had a girlfriend? Try and be a bit more comfortable with it.

 

[BrionJames]

I know how your feeling guy. I was in pretty much the same position a few years ago. I didn't feel like I had much of a future in romance, but eventually things worked out. Just keep the faith, go out find a job where you have to talk to people, volunteer somewhere where you have to, eventually through either observation or imitation you'll find that it's easier to communicate with the fairer sex.

 

[Clearing the Eye]

Wrong meme? Well fuck.

OT: What is a relationship? It's a friendship. How do we go about making friends? We don't treat others like strange beings that require a certain amount of friendship credits to make them like us. We just... talk.

Look for a friend, be prepared for it to end at friendship and be happy with whatever you get. That's the best advice I could give.