Women Troubles

[applesandoranges]

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[Doclector]

Well, dammit paragon. You done got me started now.

Hell, I can't offer any advice, because I'm not doing too well myself.

I'd like to think I've made progress, if only in understanding what my problems are, not finding a solution.

Spoiler

I believe I'm simply too different from most people to have a decent chance. I don't look like I'm supposed to look, and my mind's far from what would be accepted as the norm. I barely even think of myself as human anymore. I'm so far from what could be called normal that most people seem alien to me, like I can interact with them but never hope to understand how they work socially. Honestly, I'm not sure whether I feel good or bad overall about that. Perhaps a bit of both.

I could try to improve how I look, but that would require knowing what people want. I'm not too uncomfortable, personally, with how I look. I'm not too proud either, but I don't really care. Little extra flab than I want, but aside from that, fine. Other people don't agree, though, I'm sure. They seem to want society's idea of perfection. That's impossible, I know, but I'd have to be somewhere close to be "attractive". The competition is. It seems I have no hope.

Mentally I find satisfaction in strange things, like other people being freaked out or afraid by something I did or made. I know there's a line for that sort of thing...but it surprises me how often I'm tempted to cross it. I'm occasionally paranoid, and possibly violent if that goes too far. I tend to think people are judging me. To me it doesn't matter that people aren't talking about something I failed at, just them knowing I failed at something is bad enough. The first and only time I was dumped, I went into almost complete isolation for three months, simply because I couldn't face my friends with them knowing I'd failed. I also have aspergers, but honestly, I don't think that has anything to do with my current problems.

I had a bad childhood to say the least. I missed the primary opportunity to "learn" how to do this kind of thing. Trouble is, they're all just too good for me. It seems absurd that any girl could fall for me, it seems like they could do so much better.

I do have a few positives in my favour. I'm memorable to say the least, nobody who's ever met me has ever been able to forget me, I have no doubt in that. Unique, too. If, by chance, someone was attracted to me, they wouldn't be able to find a substitute easily. I'm intelligent. I'm no scientist or mathematician, but there's many other ways to be smart. I'm funny, or so I'm told. I've no doubt I'm funny, but hilarious as people say I am? That is doubtful.

Problem is I don't believe anyone really cares. People say they want smart and funny, but they say an awful lot of things.

Another more disturbing problem rears its head now and again. It would appear my sex drive is rather more active than I would like. Usually it's fine, then sometimes I just can't get it out of my mind. It makes me feel awful. I'm not supposed to be one of those assholes who sees girls as sex objects, and I guess during these phases I don't just see them as that, but I can't deny I have bad thoughts about them. Not about rape, you understand, but just thoughts I shouldn't be having about friends, people who trust me.

Part of me thinks such phases could be allieviated if I could just get laid and be done with it, but that's not exactly easy. The whole things difficult. Truth be told, I haven't really tried much recently. The shame of failure at anything to me is damn near unbearable. I think even if I failed at my uni course, I'd be more upset because of the shame of having failed than the effect on my career.

Well, I've gone on long enough. Hopefully you just know you're not alone in the issue.

Now I'm going to go drink some cider and punch rainbows to compensate for the massive emo page I just created.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Depends entirely on the dude.
And... why? Cause you could possibly have sex with them?
What if they are not attractive?

I can only speak for myself and what I've seen of other people, but yeah. Vagina is present so therefore,
A. it is physically possible for a heterosexual man to have hetero sex with her
B. she is slightly different from the rest of the group
So be it positive or negative, friendly or mean, men are (generally) going to be paying more attention to any female than to another male. It's human nature. The reverse of that is not true. I've been in and seen situations of a man in a predominantly female setting and he's either ignored or treated relatively close to an equal, but not a person everyone else is interested in... unless he's incredibly charming and attractive.

Granted if I were put in a room of all men and one woman, I wouldn't even try to talk to her because I would know full well she's going to be swamped with dudes anyways.

 

[Phasmal]

I can only speak for myself and what I've seen of other people, but yeah. Vagina is present so therefore,
A. it is physically possible for a heterosexual man to have hetero sex with her
B. she is slightly different from the rest of the group
So be it positive or negative, friendly or mean, men are (generally) going to be paying more attention to any female than to another male. It's human nature. The reverse of that is not true. I've been in and seen situations of a man in a predominantly female setting and he's either ignored or treated relatively close to an equal, but not a person everyone else is interested in... unless he's incredibly charming and attractive.

Granted if I were put in a room of all men and one woman, I wouldn't even try to talk to her because I would know full well she's going to be swamped with dudes anyways.

I can't speak for all ladies but... squick. That's just uncomfortable to think about.
I don't think all dudes think like that (I hope not anyway).
And (as a lady who hangs out primarily with dudes) I don't think your statement about recieving more attention is true. When I'm in a room with loads of dudes it can actually be damn difficult just to be heard.

 

[Slayer_2]

They do, but when they do that the outsiders claim that they're sexualising child-like figures. Because since anime girls are "cute" apparently when you don't oversexualise them, everyone assumes they're five. And then that brings up the excuse that they're somehow making characters that look like little girls, then saying they're legal age, so the outsiders assume the creators are trying to cater to pedophiles.
There is literally no winning with the people looking for any reason to avoid anime.

Not talking about no boobs, I mean something realistic and reasonable, like B's and C's, not gross water-melon sized tits. Anyone who thinks that 5 year old's have boobs at all needs to get a call from reality. Some of my female friends started to "fill in" at 12, but that was only two of the fastest bloomers, and they barely had anything even still.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

I can't speak for all ladies but... squick. That's just uncomfortable to think about.
I don't think all dudes think like that (I hope not anyway).
And (as a lady who hangs out primarily with dudes) I don't think your statement about recieving more attention is true. When I'm in a room with loads of dudes it can actually be damn difficult just to be heard.

Yeah, but when you're with the dudes, are you also with your boyfriend? They generally respect your space at that point. They're trying to just be generally accepting in that situation that you're not a potential mate. They try to "be themselves" so when you are single, they might be prospects. They also don't want to disrespect your boyfriend by striking up a conversation because that might be construed as something else.

I wouldn't be freaked out by that idea, though. Most men don't consciously think that way, it's just how they often act. Go to a bar and observe the patterns of behavior regarding single women. I went to see my friend's band at a bar. His girlfriend sat by herself (we hadn't been introduced yet) and watched him play. During the course of their hour set, I watched her turn down three offered drinks from guys hitting on her. Thankfully, I wasn't one of them because that would have been extremely awkward.

It's not that she was insanely attractive or a supermodel. She was a reasonably good looking relatively young woman sitting by herself and men were vying for her attention. They didn't seem to freak out when she said no, though one time I saw her motion to her boyfriend playing bass as to say, "I'm with him."

 

[Madgamer13]

Greets!

If I keep on replying to threads like these, I'm going to become one of these 'wierdoes' that the collective hivemind known as 'women' avoid so readily. Not that it matters, I've never had an urge to seek female companionship. Unfortunately, I have no advice for the OP, but I do have my own experiences.

In addition to the age old use-you-against-people types of individuals, of which women are no exception, I have noticed strange behaviour in the fairer sex when I am not paying attention. That may be difficult to understand, as how do I notice any potential advances by the ladies when I am not paying attention? Answer to that would be that I dont. Whoops!

Indeed, by the time I've noticed that a lady is invading my space, which could be considered a come-on by some, I'm literally being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the darkest and most terrifying place in the universe, the Va- Wait, wait, I am not going there, nope, I won't take myself to that level. I choose to suppress my passive-aggressive tendency on this issue.

This type of experience only happens to me when I am not paying ~that~ type of attention to a woman, you know... ~that~ type? The stalkerish I-need-you type of attention that would send me to the hills if I were ever to become a target. Needless to say, the moment I become aware of these advances, I assess my own feelings straight away and that results in an infuriating, uncharacteristic influence on my behaviour that aids in any distancing that happens between me and the person who triggers this awareness.

Put that together with the fact that I am never ready for it, I end up not learning from my own feelings on this matter, reinforcing my apathy towards seeking a partner and revitalising the strength of any behaviour based in my own passive-aggressive tendency. All of that, of course, is then neatly compacted into memory untill triggered once again.

Awesome.

I am not sure what will change the way I behave, but I fine rightly know that my inability to properly nurture any developing relationships with a partner and the inevidable loss of a friendship with them is my own damn fault, so don't go blaming others for your current failures, or I'll never forgive you.

Besides, take heart in that only thirteen short years are needed for me to become a '40 year old virgin' and my acceptance of such is going to ensure I take that mantle. Don't become as bitter as me. =|

If I had any relevant advice, I would push for you to try to become aware of your own feelings on this issue, as well as how you could develop those feelings in a way that suits you. Acceptance certainly has worked for me.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Then there is the problem of the things I do like generally not being popular AT ALL with women; namely anime and video games. Video games are kind of a semi-problem I guess, since plenty of guys get along with women and play video games. The real sticking issue tends to be anime; because while I enjoy the normal assortment of perfectly explainable and anime that even women might/do like, such as say Ghost in the Shell, Witch Hunter Robin, Spice and Wolf etc., among my favorite anime are shows that are extremely difficult to explain to any potenial woman/girlfriend, and something that I've had more than a couple people tell me is the problem.

Don't tell them. It's just not something they need to know. Tell them later, once they already like you and won't really care.

But then, what is there to talk about? Because that is generally what people talk about - things they like.

 

[applesandoranges]

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[StBishop]

And as many of the men (and probably some of the women too) will tell you, they weren't very "high quality" - the saying around the school tended to go "A University 7 is a real-world 3". A lot of the women just had attitude problems too - a lot of them were just plain mean. Though its not like I didn't try outside of the college either - but none of those went very well either. I even tried dating sites and such.......but after two years not a single person has ever sent me a message or responded to me. Which is probably a bit more disheartening than anything else here when I think about it.

It took reading that about 5 times to figure out that you were saying the women weren't high quality. Based on the 7 and 3, coupled with saying "attitude problems tto" I assume you're talking about their appearence.

While I'm no feminist, (I spend a large portion of my time on /fit/, the most misogynistic board of 4 chan) I think you need to reconsider your view of women. They're like men; but with no penis.

Sometimes I wish I was still single. I'm 30 and I've got a 25 year old girlfriend. We've been together about a year and a half, of that she's worked maybe 5 months. Today I asked her when she planned on getting a job, she lives with me and I pay all of the bills, pay for cigarettes, gas, car insurance, give her spending money, etc. Her reponse? Why do you ask that? That's so random.

I wanted to say, ***** I need fucking help. I wanted to say here's 500 dollars, that ought get you back to the east coast so you can go live with your mother. I just said, do I need a reason? I would like you to get a job.

So she huffed and puffed and went into the office, and I could hear her ***** about me turning off her computer. I went in there and said I'm sorry did you say something? She just said to leave me alone. I said well when you pay the electric bill, you can leave everything on if you want.

My point is, do you really want to be in a relationship? You do everything for these women and then they don't appreciate shit. Aim low, set your sights on female company first. Let it evolve.

I rush into shit constantly because I'm watching all my friends get married, have children, etc. Fuck, I don't have any friends left. I have one guy that I meet up at Dennys sometimes. The rest are married and do not call anymore. If I tell my girlfriend to hit the road, I plan on being single for a looooong time. I just bought my first house this month. There are so many other enjoyable things I could be doing besides being in a strained realtionship. It's hard because I care for her, but she is constantly testing my patience.

I've dated a lot of women. A lot, dozens. I've never managed to be in a relationship longer than 2 years. I consider myself pretty reasonable; but every woman has been more trouble than she has been worth for me so far. I hope if you do find somoene, you find someone worth it.

Maybe you're gay?

But seriously, this guy's right. You don't need to be in a relationship. You probably want to aim for making friends with some girls so that you can begin to understand that women aren't this magical being, they're people.
They like stuff, and they dislike stuff. So I'm sure that if you just try to make friends with some people (some of whom may be female) you'll probably find a couple of them like the same stuff as you.

 

[Bassik]

Are your hobbies creepy and weird? Pretend they are not!
The fairer sex usually did not like my Warhammer models, and my weird creepy hobby of painting army guys to play with my friends. I always tried to hide it, but it's just such a huge part of my life that they find out sooner or later.

Nowadays, I just display my armies out in the open, and when a woman asks about them, I tell her that they are my SPACE MARINES, in a tone of voice that suggest that they are the most awesome thing ever!
It works, or maybe people around me matured more and are now OK with it. Either way, I am a lot happier about my awesome hobby.

Wait a minute... girls stopped paying attention to me right around the same time I sold my car... could there be a connection? How funny would that be?

 

[Palademon]

They do, but when they do that the outsiders claim that they're sexualising child-like figures. Because since anime girls are "cute" apparently when you don't oversexualise them, everyone assumes they're five. And then that brings up the excuse that they're somehow making characters that look like little girls, then saying they're legal age, so the outsiders assume the creators are trying to cater to pedophiles.
There is literally no winning with the people looking for any reason to avoid anime.

Not talking about no boobs, I mean something realistic and reasonable, like B's and C's, not gross water-melon sized tits. Anyone who thinks that 5 year old's have boobs at all needs to get a call from reality. Some of my female friends started to "fill in" at 12, but that was only two of the fastest bloomers, and they barely had anything even still.

I should've said it actually really depends on the animation style they're using or otherwise it's very unobvious.
For example, here's some girls from Clannad, with normal figures.

Spoiler

How old are they?

 

[Geekiest]

snip

This. A lot.

But to add to it, a t-shirt the other day made me stop with the profound simplicity and utter truth of it. Allow me to share:

Be [del]with[/del] someone who makes you happy.

If you're honestly, thoroughly happy with who you are, you'll find other people who feel the same way. They'll gravitate to you naturally, without the need to manipulate them or entice them with what you perceive they want like a skittish rabbit.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Women are not some weird non-human race who fart rainbows and piss wine.

If you ever meet a woman capable of doing that, you give her my number.

I at least want to see this if it happens.

 

[Slayer_2]

I should've said it actually really depends on the animation style they're using or otherwise it's very unobvious.
For example, here's some girls from Clannad, with normal figures.

Spoiler

How old are they?

No idea, the baseball-sized eyeballs and zit-sized nose make judging age difficult. I'd guess early 20's.

Yes, I would eventually like to have sex at some point. Without having to pay for it.

It'd be nice to come home to someone who isn't my cat.

Well, I wouldn't open with either of those lines.

Find some female friends, who will show you that women are not some weird non-human race who fart rainbows and piss wine.

Try and be comfortable in yourself, if you come off as desperate, women will notice. We can smell it from a mile off.

I thought those were great pickup lines, I was gonna use em next time I'm at the bar...

First you claim females aren't some super-race, then you claim they can smell desperation like a shark with blood in the water. Sure they may not have mastered farting rainbows, but clearly their mind powers are far beyond our simple male comprehension.

 

[Instant K4rma]

Women are just people.

The only person making you mess up when you talk to them is you. You need to chill the fuck out about it. Women are just PEOPLE. There's no reason to be worked up.
You're also a bit contradictory- you say you don't talk about trivial things, why the hell not? That's what small talk was invented for! You cant jump in at the deep end of a conversation straight away or that will be creepy.

And at the risk of getting my hand bitten off, if you suspect your choice of anime is making you look like a creeper... change it?
But Phasmal, cry the dudes, why should I change for a lady I don't even know?
Good bloody question, in theory you shouldn't have to change yourself, but if you're doing something that actively puts people off, maybe you should wonder how important it is to you.

Why do you even want a girlfriend?
You haven't written anything about that.

Oh and `I'm not drowning in money so` *smack*.
Don't be silly. Women are people. Some care about money, some don't. Don't pre-emptively judge people.

If you are seriously serious about getting a girlfriend, look at yourself, try and figure out where you go wrong and change it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

I could not have said it any better myself! And I fancy myself quite the sayer.. Of... Things...

[sub][sub]Moving on.[/sub][/sub]

They're people! Like you, me, and everyone else. Just socialize with women like you would with anyone else. The only difference is that they have some different chromosomes floating around. They're still just people!

 

[mysecondlife]

Just a cookie for reading this whole thing? Man... I'm never reading again.

Well, I can't offer any kind of help or advice.

However, by way of comfort, consider this:

The fact that you are alive to type this means that every single one of your thousands upon thousands of ancestors managed to get lucky at least once. Now that's pedigree.

Actually, if science is any measure, most of the men in one person's line failed - only the women were successful.

Joking aside, I think this is part of your problem... Leaning towards optimism will likely help you out.

What I suggest you should do is start conversation with strangers 5x a day... (pretty much about anything).

If you're too scared to do so, just remember that there are always something different and something much bigger at stake.

 

[Prosis]

Women are just people.

The only person making you mess up when you talk to them is you. You need to chill the fuck out about it. Women are just PEOPLE. There's no reason to be worked up.
You're also a bit contradictory- you say you don't talk about trivial things, why the hell not? That's what small talk was invented for! You cant jump in at the deep end of a conversation straight away or that will be creepy.

And at the risk of getting my hand bitten off, if you suspect your choice of anime is making you look like a creeper... change it?
But Phasmal, cry the dudes, why should I change for a lady I don't even know?
Good bloody question, in theory you shouldn't have to change yourself, but if you're doing something that actively puts people off, maybe you should wonder how important it is to you.

Why do you even want a girlfriend?
You haven't written anything about that.

Oh and `I'm not drowning in money so` *smack*.
Don't be silly. Women are people. Some care about money, some don't. Don't pre-emptively judge people.

If you are seriously serious about getting a girlfriend, look at yourself, try and figure out where you go wrong and change it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!


I could not have said it any better myself! And I fancy myself quite the sayer.. Of... Things...

[sub][sub]Moving on.[/sub][/sub]

They're people! Like you, me, and everyone else. Just socialize with women like you would with anyone else. The only difference is that they have some different chromosomes floating around. They're still just people!

Pretty much this. Do this ^.
I would also look at trying to make some friends. There is less pressure in friendship than in a relationship, and its a good to interact with other people. Friends can lead to new hobbies and broadened horizons, as well as someone to discuss problems with.

I mean, do you really want a girlfriend? Or do you just not want to be alone? It seems like you're attributing too much to the fact that you're single. I know it's hard, but if you're talking to girls solely for the purpose of trying to land a girlfriend, you're never going to find one.

Befriend some guys. Befriend some girls. Don't try and hit on them/flirt with them. Just enjoy time together as friends. Use this to get over your anxiety with talking to women. Once you're comfortable with talking with both sexes, then you can start thinking about dating.

Heck, just think before meeting a woman, "I am not going to date her. Ever."

 

[tobi the good boy]

3 Pages and this is still going? Where's Daystar! We need his thread derailing powers!

OT: As has been said before, Girls are just people. People with boobs, but people none the less

 

[renegade7]

Yea, they're all batshit crazy, what are you gonna do