Women Troubles

[Instant K4rma]

Women are just people.

The only person making you mess up when you talk to them is you. You need to chill the fuck out about it. Women are just PEOPLE. There's no reason to be worked up.
You're also a bit contradictory- you say you don't talk about trivial things, why the hell not? That's what small talk was invented for! You cant jump in at the deep end of a conversation straight away or that will be creepy.

And at the risk of getting my hand bitten off, if you suspect your choice of anime is making you look like a creeper... change it?
But Phasmal, cry the dudes, why should I change for a lady I don't even know?
Good bloody question, in theory you shouldn't have to change yourself, but if you're doing something that actively puts people off, maybe you should wonder how important it is to you.

Why do you even want a girlfriend?
You haven't written anything about that.

Oh and `I'm not drowning in money so` *smack*.
Don't be silly. Women are people. Some care about money, some don't. Don't pre-emptively judge people.

If you are seriously serious about getting a girlfriend, look at yourself, try and figure out where you go wrong and change it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

I could not have said it any better myself! And I fancy myself quite the sayer.. Of... Things...

[sub][sub]Moving on.[/sub][/sub]

They're people! Like you, me, and everyone else. Just socialize with women like you would with anyone else. The only difference is that they have some different chromosomes floating around. They're still just people!

 

[mysecondlife]

Just a cookie for reading this whole thing? Man... I'm never reading again.

Well, I can't offer any kind of help or advice.

However, by way of comfort, consider this:

The fact that you are alive to type this means that every single one of your thousands upon thousands of ancestors managed to get lucky at least once. Now that's pedigree.

Actually, if science is any measure, most of the men in one person's line failed - only the women were successful.

Joking aside, I think this is part of your problem... Leaning towards optimism will likely help you out.

What I suggest you should do is start conversation with strangers 5x a day... (pretty much about anything).

If you're too scared to do so, just remember that there are always something different and something much bigger at stake.

 

[Prosis]

Women are just people.

The only person making you mess up when you talk to them is you. You need to chill the fuck out about it. Women are just PEOPLE. There's no reason to be worked up.
You're also a bit contradictory- you say you don't talk about trivial things, why the hell not? That's what small talk was invented for! You cant jump in at the deep end of a conversation straight away or that will be creepy.

And at the risk of getting my hand bitten off, if you suspect your choice of anime is making you look like a creeper... change it?
But Phasmal, cry the dudes, why should I change for a lady I don't even know?
Good bloody question, in theory you shouldn't have to change yourself, but if you're doing something that actively puts people off, maybe you should wonder how important it is to you.

Why do you even want a girlfriend?
You haven't written anything about that.

Oh and `I'm not drowning in money so` *smack*.
Don't be silly. Women are people. Some care about money, some don't. Don't pre-emptively judge people.

If you are seriously serious about getting a girlfriend, look at yourself, try and figure out where you go wrong and change it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!


I could not have said it any better myself! And I fancy myself quite the sayer.. Of... Things...

[sub][sub]Moving on.[/sub][/sub]

They're people! Like you, me, and everyone else. Just socialize with women like you would with anyone else. The only difference is that they have some different chromosomes floating around. They're still just people!

Pretty much this. Do this ^.
I would also look at trying to make some friends. There is less pressure in friendship than in a relationship, and its a good to interact with other people. Friends can lead to new hobbies and broadened horizons, as well as someone to discuss problems with.

I mean, do you really want a girlfriend? Or do you just not want to be alone? It seems like you're attributing too much to the fact that you're single. I know it's hard, but if you're talking to girls solely for the purpose of trying to land a girlfriend, you're never going to find one.

Befriend some guys. Befriend some girls. Don't try and hit on them/flirt with them. Just enjoy time together as friends. Use this to get over your anxiety with talking to women. Once you're comfortable with talking with both sexes, then you can start thinking about dating.

Heck, just think before meeting a woman, "I am not going to date her. Ever."

 

[tobi the good boy]

3 Pages and this is still going? Where's Daystar! We need his thread derailing powers!

OT: As has been said before, Girls are just people. People with boobs, but people none the less

 

[renegade7]

Yea, they're all batshit crazy, what are you gonna do

 

[nightwolf667]

1) Anime isn't that big a hurdle, especially if you are 20-30 and grew up in the 90s. There are tons of women out there who absolutely adore the ever living shit out of anime, so it's not a big thing. (It's how my first boyfriend and I got together in high school, we discovered we both loved Dragon Ball Z. The look on his face though, when I started jabbering on about it was pretty hilarious.)

2) You need to get yourself into contact with people who like what you like,(not even necessarily a girlfriend), so, if you are in college or high school, there might be an anime club/whatever else you like club at your school which is right up your alley. If not? No big, there's probably plenty events in your area that are group related and interested in what you like. Try asking the guy at your local comic shop, do what someone else suggested and look up the cons, check the YMCA or any local place in your area where people gather. There's always something going on somewhere which will help.

3) Don't be looking for a girlfriend. Try looking for a friend who is also a girl (or multiple ones). Friendships are the best starters to sexual relationships, finding someone who likes what you like and you can talk to about it is pretty neat. (But don't become friends just out of the hopes of getting together, friendship! Let it happen naturally) And you will find them, trust me, as long as you go looking.

Remember, as it has already been stated women are people. We have flaws, foibles, and personality quirks just like everyone else. We are just as prone to all the failures and shortsightedness of the human condition, so get to know girls for who they are, not who you wish they were. It'll save you a lot of grief.

Best of luck!

 

[Realitycrash]

I don't mean to sound crass, but I don't have time for a full answer, so I'll just say this: You're 22. The odds of you being a virgin by 40 are laughably small.

EDIT: And if it is true that 40% of all gamers are girls, why don't we ever see one of those threads when a girl goes "I'll be alone for the rest of my life"?

If you're answer is "girls can always get laid" then my answer is "so can guys, it just depends on your standards, and same for women."

 

[Darkmantle]

SNIP

First thing to address, ignore all the people asking why you even want a girlfriend. Reading your later post, the short answer in your case is companionship. Which is something most humans desire and is necessary to their happiness. I say most because the escapist seems to be filled with these "strange creatures" who think that anyone who desires human partners is somehow selfish and/or needy. As such I'd hazard to say this isn't the best forum to ask for that reason. Your desire for companionship is very normal and honestly to be expected.

More on topic though, I would say the biggest issue you are facing is locking up during conversations. It's like test anxiety, I know, I had the same issue at first, but if you blank at the start of a question you are never going to get it "right".

A big part of that is self confidence, you have to like yourself, as hard as it may seem when you are striking out. Practice in a mirror or something if you have to, like people prepare for speeches. Another part is when you are in the situation, sometimes you just have to tell yourself "go for it!". You're worried that a girl will say "no" or be weirded out when you talk to them, but if you never talk to them, you never give them the opportunity to say yes. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" (wayne gretzky) after all.

another thing is accepting your failures. Each failure should be a teaching moment, helping you grow and learn how to do better next time. But it seems you're in a place where they are now just holding you back. You said you like video games, so I'll put it this way. If you die in a game, it doesn't make you more afraid to play it, now does it? No, it gets you more prepared next time you have to meet that challenge. Don't think of every miss as "why can't I do this??" think "where did it go wrong, and how can I do it better next time?"

I know it is somewhat generic advice, But people on the internet can only help you out so much without knowing you personally. Ignore your detractors here and give it your best shot man.


PS: to the other posters here:

I kid you guys, I don't actually think you are "strange creatures", but cut the guy some slack. There are far too many people here asking "why do you want a girlfriend?". Not to mention when he did list some reasons, people started judging him for them. Don't. I honestly don't care if you don't feel a partner necessary or even desirable, but some people do. If I'm going to respect your decision to not find relationships important, you should respect those of us who do find them important.

Captcha: back to basics

nice

 

[Realitycrash]

Then there is the problem of the things I do like generally not being popular AT ALL with women; namely anime and video games. Video games are kind of a semi-problem I guess, since plenty of guys get along with women and play video games. The real sticking issue tends to be anime; because while I enjoy the normal assortment of perfectly explainable and anime that even women might/do like, such as say Ghost in the Shell, Witch Hunter Robin, Spice and Wolf etc., among my favorite anime are shows that are extremely difficult to explain to any potenial woman/girlfriend, and something that I've had more than a couple people tell me is the problem.

Don't tell them. It's just not something they need to know. Tell them later, once they already like you and won't really care.

But then, what is there to talk about? Because that is generally what people talk about - things they like.

Do you have to talk? I've rarely ever spoken about video-games, sci-fi or literature (my 3 favs) with my girlfriends, and it has worked out fine.
Sure, you have to TALK, but does it necessarily have to be about YOUR interests? Why not hers? Why not everyday things?

Does this sound shallow? Perhaps. I honestly don't except to find women that "get" me and what I like, so settling for someone that's pretty and nice - while I respect that she likes shoes and True Blood but can't understand Fallout - isn't that horrid.

You can like someone without them being a cloned female-version of yourself. People with personality do not have to share your interests

 

[Realitycrash]

Greets!


In addition to the age old use-you-against-people types of individuals, of which women are no exception, I have noticed strange behaviour in the fairer sex when I am not paying attention. That may be difficult to understand, as how do I notice any potential advances by the ladies when I am not paying attention? Answer to that would be that I dont. Whoops!

Indeed, by the time I've noticed that a lady is invading my space, which could be considered a come-on by some, I'm literally being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the darkest and most terrifying place in the universe, the Va- Wait, wait, I am not going there, nope, I won't take myself to that level. I choose to suppress my passive-aggressive tendency on this issue.

This type of experience only happens to me when I am not paying ~that~ type of attention to a woman, you know... ~that~ type? The stalkerish I-need-you type of attention that would send me to the hills if I were ever to become a target. Needless to say, the moment I become aware of these advances, I assess my own feelings straight away and that results in an infuriating, uncharacteristic influence on my behaviour that aids in any distancing that happens between me and the person who triggers this awareness.

Put that together with the fact that I am never ready for it, I end up not learning from my own feelings on this matter, reinforcing my apathy towards seeking a partner and revitalising the strength of any behaviour based in my own passive-aggressive tendency. All of that, of course, is then neatly compacted into memory untill triggered once again.

Looks like I have some time afterall.

Do you have an intimacy problem?

 

[Vault101]

I don't mean to sound crass, but I don't have time for a full answer, so I'll just say this: You're 22. The odds of you being a virgin by 40 are laughably small.

EDIT: And if it is true that 40% of all gamers are girls, why don't we ever see one of those threads when a girl goes "I'll be alone for the rest of my life"?

If you're answer is "girls can always get laid" then my answer is "so can guys, it just depends on your standards, and same for women."

because gamer=/= bad with relationships

and if I were to judge purley by this kind of thing getting a bf doesnt seem hard at all

 

[Realitycrash]

I don't mean to sound crass, but I don't have time for a full answer, so I'll just say this: You're 22. The odds of you being a virgin by 40 are laughably small.

EDIT: And if it is true that 40% of all gamers are girls, why don't we ever see one of those threads when a girl goes "I'll be alone for the rest of my life"?

If you're answer is "girls can always get laid" then my answer is "so can guys, it just depends on your standards, and same for women."

because gamer=/= bad with relationships

and if I were to judge purley by this kind of thing getting a bf doesnt seem hard at all

Uh, what? How does that answer my question? We have 40% females, why aren't we seeing any female posts about similar things? Or are you trying to say that women aren't bad at relationships, only men are?

 

[Vault101]

Uh, what? How does that answer my question? We have 40% females, why aren't we seeing any female posts about similar things? Or are you trying to say that women aren't bad at relationships, only men are?

because it seems your assuming that just because people play games it makes them bad with relationships

and is a girl honestly going to wonder if shes going to be alone all her life when theres a million threads about "gamer girls" and how some guys wish they could find gamer girls..

...I don't know

 

[Realitycrash]

Uh, what? How does that answer my question? We have 40% females, why aren't we seeing any female posts about similar things? Or are you trying to say that women aren't bad at relationships, only men are?

because it seems your assuming that just because people play games it makes them bad with relationships

and is a girl honestly going to wonder if shes going to be alone all her life when theres a million threads about "gamer girls" and how some guys wish they could find gamer girls..

...I don't know

I assume that we have at least a 30% female fanbase, and that some of them will have relationship-issues, and that some of them will feel the need to speak up about it. It's statistically likely, given enough time. I have just never seen it, and it confuses me.

Because said girl is not necessarily pretty, and it is flawed logic that just because you play videogames it means you will get a partner that is looking for a "video-game girl"?
Same goes for the guys, really. If any of the guys posting about these things were willing to lower their standards to "plays videogames, but otherwise I don't care at all about how they look, act, etc", then they wouldn't be single.

 

[TwiZtah]

I can offer you some advice to get your self-confidence up.

Train, get your physique up. Heavy lifting to get some muscles, this is not mainly to get that perfect body, but to make you appreciate you more, coupled with the awesome boost of confidence that heavy lifting gives you naturally in the form of hormones.

 

[MetalMagpie]

The problem I have is that I get this feeling that I'll never been able to actually acquire, maintain and develop a good, stable, personal and healthy relationship with a woman.

From your profile page, you're only about 23. Believe it or not, you're still very young! You will change a lot over your life. Your interests will change; your skills will develop; even your personality will shift.

In particular (and most relevantly) you are likely to become a more confident and more laid back as time goes on. It's easy to feel unsure of yourself when you've only been an adult for a few years, especially when you've only recently finished full-time education. You need time to find your feet.

To declare you'll never be in a relationship in your early twenties is like declaring it'll never snow on the very first day of winter.

So stop worrying and just get on with living your life.

 

[museofdoom]

What if I told you.......that you don't need a girlfriend to validate your existence or to be happy. Love yourself and you won't need someone else to do it for you.

But in all seriousness, as others have said, women are people. We're not the mysterious creatures people make us out to be. Just talk to us like you would a guy.

Also, why is it so important that any girl you date likes the same anime you do? I guess if it's that important to you, you should go to anime conventions. You'll find plenty of girls who like anime, and play video games.

The last thing I will say: people who obsess over finding a relationship rarely do. I had a friend who constantly whined about being single, she never shut up about it, and she made those of us with boyfriends feel terrible for being in a relationship. Like, she would literally not hang out with us if any of our boyfriends were there, or make a big deal out of leaving early cause she just couldn't stand seeing us cuddling or holding hands or something. DO NOT BECOME LIKE HER. She is still single and constantly whining through passive aggressive blog posts about how miserable her life is. JUST DON'T GO DOWN THAT SLIPPERY SLOPE.

 

[Madgamer13]

...snip...

Looks like I have some time afterall.

Do you have an intimacy problem?

Indeed, I do, I was raised to be independent and my own mind formed to be heavily analytical, with an enjoyment of analysing the mind that I've only recently become entirely aware of. When it comes to relationships, I can make a connection with other people very easily, but it is very difficult to open up due to experience of how talking about what I actually enjoy causes intense psychological pressure. Even breaking the ability to cope of a few I've spoken to in the past.

So, I would otherwise talk about my secondary interest; computer gaming and the various stories I experience in such games, which is generally more acceptable than speaking of psychological setup. Given that I am so analytical, however, I'm quite aware that it is my own particular setup that hinders my ability to form deep connections to others, as such I do not blame others for any lack of social contact in my life.

Indeed, I do not consider my life to be miserable, regardless of how bitter I appear in my posts. Especially when it comes to the subject of a partner. In my case I merely havn't yet met a suitor that has had interest in handling my overly analytical mind.

I'm confident that I am able to change and do, over time, develop to meet my own wants and needs, but time is something that can sometimes be needed in great abundance. At least, in my case, my inability to connect deeply is a little more clearer to me than; 'Omg noone likes me because I like Gaems! crycry T_T'

 

[Realitycrash]

...snip...

Looks like I have some time afterall.

Do you have an intimacy problem?

Indeed, I do, I was raised to be independent and my own mind formed to be heavily analytical, with an enjoyment of analysing the mind that I've only recently become entirely aware of. When it comes to relationships, I can make a connection with other people very easily, but it is very difficult to open up due to experience of how talking about what I actually enjoy causes intense psychological pressure. Even breaking the ability to cope of a few I've spoken to in the past.

So, I would otherwise talk about my secondary interest; computer gaming and the various stories I experience in such games, which is generally more acceptable than speaking of psychological setup. Given that I am so analytical, however, I'm quite aware that it is my own particular setup that hinders my ability to form deep connections to others, as such I do not blame others for any lack of social contact in my life.

Indeed, I do not consider my life to be miserable, regardless of how bitter I appear in my posts. Especially when it comes to the subject of a partner. In my case I merely havn't yet met a suitor that has had interest in handling my overly analytical mind.

I'm confident that I am able to change and do, over time, develop to meet my own wants and needs, but time is something that can sometimes be needed in great abundance. At least, in my case, my inability to connect deeply is a little more clearer to me than; 'Omg noone likes me because I like Gaems! crycry T_T'

Isn't it fun to observe the motion-patterns, facial-expressions and mode of speaking in a potential partner, and realize that how utterly dull the evening will become as you have just figured out pretty much exactly what drives them, and how they will try to achieve their goals.
That's how I analyze people. Even if I'm not quite a House, or get it right all the time, my problem is more that I think I get it right, and just knowing that people are interested in my due to reason X, Y and Z, which are due to biological impulse T, P and Q, gets me down.
So I drive them away and stay alone. Heh.
Mayhap you do the same thing.

 

[Snowbell]

You're looking in the wrong place. If you like girls who like anime then looks in places where they'd be (forums and so forth), I suppose you're too old to join a local university's anime society, which is a shame since it's a great place to meet people. I also love how you listed Witch Hunter Robin as one that loads of girls would watch - I'm the only girl from my society who's watched it!

The same goes for video games, online interaction is easier for most people so maybe join an MMO where you're allocated to a country based server (eg WoW has different country allocations) that way you know you're at least in the right ballpark.

I'm not going to give you any more advice other than try to look your best at all times - appearances are very important.