I would talk with my child and bring professional help if needed. But if this is not the way it goes then I am willingly support my child gender identity or sexual identity.
your child is transgendered
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On the topic of hormone blockers.
It seems like a really poor idea to me.
I mean, as much as it sucks, you're essentially subjecting your kid to the hurl of abuse and bullying for being different, and that's pretty likely to increase the risk of suicide.
I suppose you'd have to weigh up the odds of being bullied against trying to make the child understand that waiting a few years isn't the end of the world.
In an ideal world, children wouldn't bully each other. But, also in this ideal world, they'd also be incredible well-educated and informed. The reality is that's basically never going to be the case.
It seems like a really poor idea to me.
I mean, as much as it sucks, you're essentially subjecting your kid to the hurl of abuse and bullying for being different, and that's pretty likely to increase the risk of suicide.
I suppose you'd have to weigh up the odds of being bullied against trying to make the child understand that waiting a few years isn't the end of the world.
In an ideal world, children wouldn't bully each other. But, also in this ideal world, they'd also be incredible well-educated and informed. The reality is that's basically never going to be the case.
Well, a tough one to deal with. No matter how much you support your child, that child will still have a host of problems due to their gender disparity. Only thing one can really do is be smart and be there for it, get professional help if needed and hold things of until person is much more mature. Not to mention that it's far from rare that gender identities shift over time.
As far as hormones and similar interventions, that I don't know enough about. Serious levels of education would have to ensue.
All in all, it's parents duty to raise his child to the point of maturity, independence and self-sufficiency. Something so many parents fail to do in last 20+ years. Everything else are just bumps on the road for parents and child to work on overcoming.
As far as hormones and similar interventions, that I don't know enough about. Serious levels of education would have to ensue.
All in all, it's parents duty to raise his child to the point of maturity, independence and self-sufficiency. Something so many parents fail to do in last 20+ years. Everything else are just bumps on the road for parents and child to work on overcoming.
To be fair, I think you have to cut people a bit of slack here. Most people in the thread are saying that they would try to go about it in a way that would keep their child happy and safe. I think rushing to put your child on any kind of medication or set them on any kind of definite path is something most parents are hesitant about because you want to do what's best for their child.MarsAtlas said:
Transitioning would be a pretty new and unknown process for a vast majority of people so I think it's understandable why a lot of people would be wary about making rash decisions and wouldn't jump at the "high-five, let's start everything right fucking now" approach.
I can understand why you might be frustrated as it's something you've had to deal with but I think you have to give a bit of leeway to people who are saying they would be hesitant about starting at a young age but would want to do right by their children.
I don't pretend to fully understand what transgender teenagers have to go through. But, I still can't help but feel like I'd have to be very hesitant about going through with any permanent procedures. I was a teenager too once, and I shudder to think of what would have happened had I been able to carry out everything I felt was an existential need when I was 15.
But of course I would take it seriously. I would absolutely support decisions to take on a different-gendered name and approach a different role (ie clothing, etc), and I would be okay with beginning a conservative (as in, medically conservative, meaning careful and non-committal) approach to reassignment to reduce the problem of lost time (the earlier the reassignment process begins, the better, being my understanding). I would say that I'd expect to hear from at least one therapist, ideally more than one, that the kid really wants it, that it's a rationally-made decision, and s/he would benefit from a permanent reassignment.
Now, I've read the literature on people who regret gender reassignment. It's a very low proportion, reported generally to be somewhere around 2-5% (very low for elective procedures) because, duh, it's not something you do on a whim like trying on a new coat, you don't wake up in the morning one day and say "You know what, today I'd like to change gender." But that's still a non-zero number, and it's a permanent procedure, so I want that risk to be as low as possible.
But of course I would take it seriously. I would absolutely support decisions to take on a different-gendered name and approach a different role (ie clothing, etc), and I would be okay with beginning a conservative (as in, medically conservative, meaning careful and non-committal) approach to reassignment to reduce the problem of lost time (the earlier the reassignment process begins, the better, being my understanding). I would say that I'd expect to hear from at least one therapist, ideally more than one, that the kid really wants it, that it's a rationally-made decision, and s/he would benefit from a permanent reassignment.
Now, I've read the literature on people who regret gender reassignment. It's a very low proportion, reported generally to be somewhere around 2-5% (very low for elective procedures) because, duh, it's not something you do on a whim like trying on a new coat, you don't wake up in the morning one day and say "You know what, today I'd like to change gender." But that's still a non-zero number, and it's a permanent procedure, so I want that risk to be as low as possible.
Oh god, not to completely miss the heavy nature of that link, but the design of that blog truly encapsulates all the stereotypes of tumblr. Animated backgrounds, coloured text frames and a horrible typeface? Everything on that page seems specifically designed to assault the eyes and repel the reader.MarsAtlas said:
Yes, I am irreverent enough to criticise the design choices of a suicide note ...
When they will be responsible adults, when they've learned to live not under my wing, when they've tasted life, basically when they have enough life experience, then I'll sigh and tell them to do whatever the hell they want. When they are too young, I'll do everything to distract them from making irreversable changes.
I know enough to know that sex reassignment surgery is not truly reversible. Yes, you can leave reproductive tract intact if you are going from female to male but with greatly increased risk of complications. However going male to female is another thing entirely, sex reassignment surgery does include removal of testicles.MarsAtlas said:
P.S.
If anyone does go for one, spare yourself some money and visit Serbia. It's beautiful, Belgrade is considered night life capital of south eastern Europe (some say of Europe) and we have some of the best sex reassignment surgeons in the world that work for peanuts compared to their western colleagues.
Well, no matter what, there's going to be a lot of [positive] talking... Probably reveal more closets than expected, but the sooner the better as my partner and I agreed upon beforehand... Also, no matter what, we will get through this as a family...
Other than that, I cannot stop thinking about having a montage-based dress-up party with my teenage transchild "for some reason"...
Other than that, I cannot stop thinking about having a montage-based dress-up party with my teenage transchild "for some reason"...
"Go to church and pray the trans away" is quite a bit different than "Wait a few years".MarsAtlas said:
It's debatable if it's the right choice. Kid is still under 18, I don't trust them to have made up their mind, so, essentially it may just be subjecting them to years of psychological harm from bullying all for no real reason.
As such, it doesn't seem worth it when the risk of suicide from bullying is very real and is an awful thing that affects many people, especially those who identify as transgender.
Even if not presenting as the gender they feel they are, it's still a case that suppressing hormones is a bit of a grey area, and at the very least certainly affects how a child will look and function in an important time. These years often affect the entire life of a child and having their ability to reach their academic goals at this age affected by some treatment for a thing I don't trust them to have fully made up their mind about seems like a really bad idea.
Not to mention the affect bullying has its victims long after high school.
The following conversation would take place:chinangel said:
"Listen here you little shit (aside: ALL of the conversations with my child will start like this), I love you, even if you want to experience different chemical reactions and conform to an opposite set of roles and expectations set forth by society!"
Then I would wait and be supportive and if and when I thought they could handle the social stigma offer to pay for the medicine and surgery my damn self because I love my little shits. If they feel they are ready for it and do not, I will be there every step of the way except financially because my little shits will know the pain of monetary remorse!
Well for starters they're going to need a whole new wardrobe.
I'd be okay with it. I'd start taking them to counselling to help them and myself understand it more, and to see whether they think they'd want to transition or not at some point.
I'm genderfluid myself, so it's not like I'm ignorant to people's gender not matching their physical state. I've also had a friend come out as trans sort-of recently, and I'm constantly worried about doing the wrong thing around her or misnaming/misgendering her. So I think I'd be able to handle it fairly well, if a bit neurotically. =P
The biggest problem would be the people around them. Their friends, their school, and the extended family. My dad still doesn't accept my name change (Though I'm personally fine with that, and told him as much. I don't expect people who've called me my old name for 22 years to suddenly up and change it). There are people who will not accept it and might even be hostile about it.
I'd definitely make them more wary when they're at school. Possibly slowly easing themself into the clothing they feel more comfortable in but without breaking any uniform rules or making themselves stand out a lot. Once they'd finish school though, I'd let them fully change into dressing however they want. That way they can be more themselves when/if they decide to go to college.
I'd be okay with it. I'd start taking them to counselling to help them and myself understand it more, and to see whether they think they'd want to transition or not at some point.
I'm genderfluid myself, so it's not like I'm ignorant to people's gender not matching their physical state. I've also had a friend come out as trans sort-of recently, and I'm constantly worried about doing the wrong thing around her or misnaming/misgendering her. So I think I'd be able to handle it fairly well, if a bit neurotically. =P
The biggest problem would be the people around them. Their friends, their school, and the extended family. My dad still doesn't accept my name change (Though I'm personally fine with that, and told him as much. I don't expect people who've called me my old name for 22 years to suddenly up and change it). There are people who will not accept it and might even be hostile about it.
I'd definitely make them more wary when they're at school. Possibly slowly easing themself into the clothing they feel more comfortable in but without breaking any uniform rules or making themselves stand out a lot. Once they'd finish school though, I'd let them fully change into dressing however they want. That way they can be more themselves when/if they decide to go to college.
For starters, I wouldn't make the ridiculous assumption that their interests are abnormal for their age or gender.chinangel said:
We live in the 21st century FFS, one of the big popculture things of the last decade was boys liking pastel colored ponies, and as much as I hate giving feminists any credibility, we are struggling with making the traditionally male 'gaming space' more welcoming for girls and women.
If they arrive at a point where they are capable of making an informed decision, and the finances allow it, they get a green light.
But I sure as hell would not steer them towards it, and most certainly would not pay attention to any mentions of a gender change until they're at an age sexuality comes into play as a part of a relationship.
My 6 year old boy is incredibly effeminate. He likes girls toys and pink stuff etc. That said, he's never seemed to have a problem playing with boys or being one.
Just gonna let it play out. There's no crime in preferring a different type of toy or colour to your peers. If he is then he is, if not then not. He'll still grow up with the confidence to be himself.
Just gonna let it play out. There's no crime in preferring a different type of toy or colour to your peers. If he is then he is, if not then not. He'll still grow up with the confidence to be himself.
pretty much say I love them no matter what first in foremost and then call my cousin in from cali. He happens to be gay and a great guy so probably the best person to turn to in this situation. Also grab my mother and bring her in as she is the one who supported my cousin the most when he came out.chinangel said:
First of all,
"Holy shit, I have a child!?"
Second,
Being a boy and liking MLP is perfectly fine. Being a girl and liking Transformers is also perfectly fine. You don't need particular parts to enjoy specific entertainment.
Third,
All right. I can sort of understand not necessarily identifying with your biological sex, but 13, as others have stated, is way too fucking young and lacking in any sense of credible perspective to make a life altering choice like this one.
They can wait until they're older and I'd support 'em. They're my kid, after all. What am I going to do? Turn my back on them? What do you think I am? Religious?
Ha. Ha. Jokes.
And fourth,
13-year-olds can also decide to stay up all night eating snickers and drinking Pepsi. The simple fact that they're 'capable' of making the decision doesn't inherently make it an informed or, dare I say, 'good' one.
As someone who spent most of his formative years in a deep depression, trundling about between therapists and spending an inordinate amount of time hanging off balconies, I can attest to the complete and utter lack of capable decision making that a typical thirteen-year-old can exert with their relatively limited perspective, nevermind the near non-existent life experience and raging hormones.
So, no. I don't trust a kid, at 13, to adequately understand the ramifications of their actions and how it will affect their future or those around them.
"Holy shit, I have a child!?"
Second,
Being a boy and liking MLP is perfectly fine. Being a girl and liking Transformers is also perfectly fine. You don't need particular parts to enjoy specific entertainment.
Third,
All right. I can sort of understand not necessarily identifying with your biological sex, but 13, as others have stated, is way too fucking young and lacking in any sense of credible perspective to make a life altering choice like this one.
They can wait until they're older and I'd support 'em. They're my kid, after all. What am I going to do? Turn my back on them? What do you think I am? Religious?
Ha. Ha. Jokes.
And fourth,
Is...is this supposed to be an argument?norashepard said:
13-year-olds can also decide to stay up all night eating snickers and drinking Pepsi. The simple fact that they're 'capable' of making the decision doesn't inherently make it an informed or, dare I say, 'good' one.
As someone who spent most of his formative years in a deep depression, trundling about between therapists and spending an inordinate amount of time hanging off balconies, I can attest to the complete and utter lack of capable decision making that a typical thirteen-year-old can exert with their relatively limited perspective, nevermind the near non-existent life experience and raging hormones.
So, no. I don't trust a kid, at 13, to adequately understand the ramifications of their actions and how it will affect their future or those around them.
In the end it's their decision. Yes it's a hard one, yes it can go wrong but that's just life. Sometimes you're infront of a big question and you've to answer it yourself.
In this case it's a 13y old kid who has to make this decision.
Of course you'd read up on all the stuff, go and visit doctors & psychiatrists etc. pp. But in the end it's his/her decision and even though you can tell them, they're allowed to chose once they're 18, i don't think your child will be very happy if he has to go through the already miserable teenager-shenanigans in the wrong body AND not starting hormone treatment at a young age will probably have some effect too.
Honestly, i think "wait till you're 18" is just a pretext to safe your own skin. But it's not your matter, it's theirs.
In this case it's a 13y old kid who has to make this decision.
Of course you'd read up on all the stuff, go and visit doctors & psychiatrists etc. pp. But in the end it's his/her decision and even though you can tell them, they're allowed to chose once they're 18, i don't think your child will be very happy if he has to go through the already miserable teenager-shenanigans in the wrong body AND not starting hormone treatment at a young age will probably have some effect too.
Honestly, i think "wait till you're 18" is just a pretext to safe your own skin. But it's not your matter, it's theirs.
Dude, the fact that you went to therapists is a good thing, because it means that SOMEONE recognized that you needed help. Being trans is the exact same way. When you are a thirteen year old kid, right smack in the middle of EVERYONE you know changing via puberty, you're going to be hugely uncomfortable, and to have your parents outright tell you no is going to be a pretty good reason to just give up.LostGryphon said:
Helping a child get to a gender identity therapist and possibly on (completely reversible) hormone blockers does not change them in any major or permanent way, but the promise alone is enough to keep transgender kids from killing themselves before they ever even reach adulthood. Besides, as I said above, the law in most countries literally will not allow a kid under 18 to get any form of surgery anyway.
The choice has nothing to do with it. If I have cancer in my arm, I am going to want the doctors to cut it out, 13 or 45. Yes, it will make my life harder, but to ignore it will mean that I'll have cancer in my entire body by the time I get around to dealing with it. Being trans is the same way. The longer one is aware of it while doing nothing, the greater and greater the chance of sucide is. And guess what: having a thirteen year old kid kill themselves is going to be just as affecting to the community, themselves, and you as if they transitioned.
Killing yourself is never a good decision, but it is one that children will make when faced with a world that doesn't want them. Allowing your kid to make that choice just because you don't trust them to be smart enough about their own body makes you a BAD PARENT, and honestly, responsible if and when they do kill themselves.