Your (Fat) Princess is In Another Castle

[wulfy42]

To the first guy, you never mentioned in your letter if you have actually seen this girl (in video chat of some kind, or multiple pictures over time etc). If you have not, it may not even be a girl, or she may be much older etc. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship with someone online, but I would not plan for it to go any further then that until you have either met them in person, talked to them with video chat or at least talked to them on the phone quite a bit. Even talking on the phone isn't really enough in my opinion, although it's certainly enough to identify their gender, and to allow you to take the next step and try to see them in person etc.

With so many cheap methods to set up video chats now there is really no reason for ANYONE to go into a relationship without seeing the person they are dealing with. Age is just one of the factors here that could be a problem to be honest. As far as her being too young, If she is 17 now and you are 20, and you already have developed feelings for her etc, then I don't think she is too young at this point, especially not if you are far away and mainly having an online relationship at this point. Don't do anything illegal, and verify the other things she has told you about herself etc, but if you have a connection with her then don't let a few years age difference hold you back. When she is 18 and your 21.....it's not really going to be that huge of a difference.

I met my wife online 11 years ago (our 11th anniversary is 11/11/11!!) and we initially just communicated through boards, then started calling each other (constantly heh) and finally after a few months I flew up to meet her. We had only exchanged physical pictures at that point but both were honest and everything worked out well for us. I've heard many stories that do not end that well though so be careful, confirm any information you are given, and don't get too involved until you have at least talked to the other person over the phone for awhile and hopefully seen them through video chat as well.

Internet dating is great, but we are long past the point where it's hard to really see who you are communicating with over the internet. If things go past the "friend" point with someone online there is no real excuse for not setting up a webcam even if you don't have any other video device. Facebook is another good tool as most people will have their real age and plenty of other information on their facebook account.....so asking for someone's facebook account is another way to get to know more about them.

As far as feeling like a pedo......honestly there is a world of difference between sicko's who are interested in children who havn't reached puberty even, and someone who is interested in even a 16 year old girl (I believe such relationships are even legal in a few states). Follow the laws of your state, but I don't think there is anything morally wrong with someone in their early 20's dating someone in their late teens. I would say that it's seems strange that a 16 (when you met her) year old girl was looking for older men on the internet. I think it's very important you verify her information before you waste too much time and emotion on someone who may be lying through her (or his) teeth.

 

[rsvp42]

Age is an important consideration, but I don't think a guy should drop a girl he likes just because there's some legal hangups. He doesn't have to bang her or anything (though some laws of consent would allow it, depending on the state). At the same time, he shouldn't blind himself to better opportunities because of one girl who happens to like him. Having to wait a year to get serious could end up turning into an excuse instead of an opportunity. Because if she's fickle and moves on, he screwed himself. That's a whole year he could have been putting himself out there for girls his age. Obviously not everyone is a Don Juan who can just pick up women wherever they go, but don't wait for a train that might not come.

 

[Elf Defiler Korgan]

Stop right there criminal scum! Show us some i.d. missy. Move along citizen.

 

[SFR]

I don't really like how the writer thinks that the underage girl is really bent up on Chemistry tests and such when no where in the guys message does he mention such things. I'm only 19, but last year I wasn't going on and on about school and nothing else. I assure you your problems are just as petty and whiny at any age. Frankly, a 3 year difference isn't much. I would definitely make sure she is how old she says she is, but if you like her for her personality, there's no reason to disconnect all ties with her as the writer suggests. You are in no way a pedophile for liking her. If you were, you wouldn't have written a message about it and she'd probably be 12.

 

[NLS]

I know lots of people that are around the 17/20 thing and it's really no big issue. Of course, I'm no big fan of those 20-something guys that pick up younger girls, but if they can work it out, then so should this guy.

 

[Genericjim101]

Personally I first dated a girl who was 16 when I was 19. But I live in Britain and more specifically a county in Wales where people could not give two shits.

As has been stated the girl#s personality may not have solidified but for me as my then girlfriend lived with me hers was kind of inadvertently molded by me and my mother. Saying that though being there for someone to see how they turn out as a person isn't all bad, you may kick yourself for not being there regardless of having a relationship.

 

[ms_sunlight]

When I was a 16-year-old girl I had friends who dated guys the age of Letter Writer #1, and even slightly older. 16 is the Age of Consent in the UK, but even so I don't think there's anything creepy about a small age difference. The only thing I'd say is, respect the law, but age of consent is about sex, there's nothing illegal about dating, kissing, getting to know each other.

 

[Hosker]

A 20 year-old going out with a 17 year-old? That's perfectly fine. She's not going to magically become mature and know exactly what she wants in a mere year's time. You can meet but it doesn't have to get physical.

If you're sure that you're both doing exactly what you both want, do it; don't let other people tell you what you "should" and "shouldn't" be doing.

 

[Dethpixie]

For guy 1 I present the age-comparison creepiness equation: [(your age x .5) rounded down] + 7 is the minimum age of someone you can date without it being creepy

At twenty, 17 is your absolute minimum. Also, you should check the age of consent laws in your given area.

Exactly this.

 

[Pyrian]

Guy #1: Your crush is a guy.

Guy #2: You are very, very lucky. Cherish that. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

I agree with her advice on the second guy, just forget about the peer pressure and go for it. Not so much with contestant #1 though, not necessarily because she's saying not pursue a relationship with someone you have never seen and has already lied to you. But rather that smug sense of moral indignation regarding the age gap. Maybe it's because I'm from the UK and 16 is the legal age, but I really don't see too much of a problem with a 17yo and 20yo being together. Personally I much prefer to date someone closer to my own age, but I wouldn't completely rule anythng out and I'm not going to judge others for who they pursue a relationship with. Sure a lot of 16 year olds can be rather immature, but the same could be said of many 20 year olds. We're all individuals and it's down to us to try and educe if someone is of a desireable/appropriate maturity level. End rant.

 

[Ravek]

The age of consent where I live is 16. In most of the rest of Europe, it's 15 or even 14. And yet "we all know" that a 20 year old boy having a relationship with a 17 year old girl is wrong?

Please speak for yourself! Your standards are not inherently THE standards.

I'd be more worried about the obsessive lying than about the age.

 

[Dastardly]

Love FAQ: Your (Fat) Princess is In Another Castle

Can you ever really trust a girl who lies about her age?

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Sucker-16:

Please realize that at this point, for you, it's not about age anymore. After all, in what other situation in your life could someone pull bait-and-switch this many times and still have you on the hook? Could a car salesman keep changing the price on you like that? Could the plumber keep changing the day he's coming to fix your pipes? Of course not. You'd go elsehwere, likely after the first time.

She's changing her age, and you're still around. That means that this issue has nothing to do with age. This is both good news and bad news. The good news is that people should have no trouble believing that you're not fixated on this girl because she is young. I can say that as you get older, differences in age mean less--it's differences in experience that matter. It's just that, when you're in your teens and early 20's, each year of difference can potentially represent massive differences in experience.

But remember the good news? This isn't about age anyway, so inquiring any further about age is asking the wrong question. What you need to be asking is, "Why has this age thing and the fact that she has misled me not turned me away?" And that's where the bad news comes in:

There are many benefits to meeting people online. There are also many hazards. You've found two of those hazards: 1. people can misrepresent themselves, and 2. we can misrepresent them, too. The fact is that a relationship with no face-to-face component has a lot of empty spaces... which our imagination, fueled by emotional frenzy, is more than willing to fill in for us. And the material we use to fill those gaps will nearly always be favorable, to an incredible degree.

You're fixated on the image of her that you've constructed over all of this time. I know this because I've done it myself, minus the age run-around. At this point, meeting her is going to challenge that image you've constructed, which will lead to one of a few conclusions:

1. You ignore the new information and plunge ahead, to the peril of all.
2. You work hard to reconcile the new information with the old illusion, putting aside fantasy for reality.
3. You realize she's not nearly as magical as you thought, and you move on.

While #2 can often work well if two people are genuinely compatible, and just have to work through a bit of "reality shock," I don't think that's where you are. You're already discovering that she's lied to you, about something that could potentially cause legal troubles for you, all to protect her own feelings. Surely that shakes your image of her, and you're trying to reconcile it by transferring the trouble to another issue: age itself.

Pack it in for now, mate. Maybe in a few years, when she knows a bit more about herself, maybe you could get to know her, too. Don't do yourself the disservice of waiting around for that, though--odds are, she's not going to live up to the version you've created for yourself.

 

[Dastardly]

Love FAQ: Your (Fat) Princess is In Another Castle

Can you ever really trust a girl who lies about her age?

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Oh, and to the "Fat Bottom Lover," it's about personal intent. Liking a woman because she is fat really isn't any different than liking a woman because she is skinny. Neither of those is inherently good or bad, either.

Someone who likes skinny chicks, and doesn't date the chubby ones... well, he's seen as a superficial jackass who can't recognize "real beauty." The opposite is often touted as someone who understands that "real women have curves," or some other such nonsense that indicates there's something inherently "fake" about skinny women. However, both can be examples of natural preferences or selfishness.

Think of it another way--most people only date folks of their own race. It's often just a matter of our tendency (as a species) to prefer familiar things--someone who looks like us and shares similar cultural roots fits that bill, usually. Other people are, in fact, racists. The behavior looks the same--only dating within the race--but the reasoning is different.

If you find yourself looking down on skinny women, judging them in some way, assigning negative personality characteristics to them... then, well, you're just as superficial as someone who does the same thing to fat women. Similarly, in both cases you've got someone who is after the body, not the person (as evidenced by their willingness to assign traits rather than discover them).

If, however, you just personally find the "bigger" ones more attractive, then go for it. You wouldn't apologize for liking blue more than orange, or preferring Snickers to Twix, why apologize for a legitimate difference in preference? Just don't let it define you--or the women you prefer.

 

[Minjoltr]

I'd suggest that #2 exercise caution in revealing his appreciation to the ladies in question. Particularly don't do it when your buddies are around. They sound like the kind of guys who would find it pretty hilarious and if you try to approach a lady and she sees your mates over in the corner laughing at you, she's probably going to suspect foul play and not going to give you the time of day.
Trying to trick the fat chick into thinking you like her, as though she was somehow not representative of everything which is wrong with this country/generation/political system, is apparently quite a wheeze. You get extra points if you manage to lure her into bed without her realising you're only doing it for the lulz.

 

[freaper]

After all this time on the net, I still can't understand why some countries, i.e. America, attach so much value to dating people who are of "legal" age. Plenty of my female friends back in college were dating guys 18 and older. I don't see why that should be a problem. As long as they're happy who are we to tell them what to do?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, gentlemen.

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Ahh, the wonderous qualities of the buxom and luscious girls of the curvaceous and above body type. For them, wars have been fought. For them, idols were made. For them, nights have been spent in supplication--for the good reasons and bad. Cheers, man. Enjoy your tastes, as you would enjoy your preferences of alcohol, pizza toppings, and decor for your home. Enjoy.

 

[Mister Benoit]

Guy #1: Your crush is a guy.

Guy #2: You are very, very lucky. Cherish that. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Either a guy of any age of a much much older woman who is on the less than pleasant side of things.

 

[Nurb]

Just to point out, the legal age in most states is 17, and sometimes younger. That means there is no law requiring a certain age range and the 17 year old can do whatever they want with whoever they want. The advice giver seems to be giving this "YOU WANT UNDERAGE GIRL YOU PERV" vibe to this guy for something that's perfectly legal (and as many already pointed out, 16 is the age of consent in most of Western Europe).

The 18 year old requirement is the legal national definition for adulthood for things like taxes, military, firearms, buying porn, and acting in porn.

Also, any long distance internet relationship is doomed to fail every time. He was right about girls lying about their age aren't safe or trustworthy most of the time

After all this time on the net, I still can't understand why some countries, i.e. America, attach so much value to dating people who are of "legal" age. Plenty of my female friends back in college were dating guys 18 and older. I don't see why that should be a problem. As long as they're happy who are we to tell them what to do?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, gentlemen.

Ever since dateline's "To catch a predator" got popular (making entertainment out of child predation no less), the media has latched onto the trend and fuled a "pedo paranoia" that has made parents think there's a perv behind every tree waiting to molest their kids. People are terrified of the pedo label and obsess over age to the point there's been a big drop in numbers of male teachers and a shortage of male volunteers in programs like "Big Brothers Big Sisters".

When I was in high school 10 years ago, girls as young as 15 were dating 18 and 19 year olds because having a boyfriend in college was big status symbol. It's just plain hysteria now.

 

[littlerob]

What's this? Someone wasn't completely honest on the internet? Jesus Christ, hold the phone.

Honestly, she said she was 17 on the internet when she was actually 16 in real life, it's not like she's a compulsive liar and can never be trusted again. I don't blame her, if I was in her place, I'd probably do the same. Obviously over on that side of the pond there's a lot of serious hangups around the mystical, life-changing crossover between 17 and 18, where you instantly go from being a child and to be protected from your obvious immaturity and inability to make serious decisions to being an adult and suddenly perfectly mature and responsible as if from nowhere. Given that, it's not surprising that she tried to make herself appear older than she was.

God damn, the age thing shouldn't be a concern. What should be sending up flags is the fact that she's using it to put off meeting in person.