Zero Punctuation: Call of Duty 4

[Demonbear]

I wouldn't mind if the Theatre replaced ZP. Although I would miss the reviews, Painkiller is probably my most watched Yahtzee video.

Gotta love pufferfish

 

[RaDeus]

i just finished the game this morning and i agree with most of it...

only bad things is the US-propaganda and the length of SP (did it in 5 hours in one session).

Ps. absolutly love the gullie mission

 

[entropy3ko]

Yes, finally

I see yahtzee has answered the prayers of many


And answered accordingly hahahhaha! Winchester Cathedral XD

 

[HuCast]

awesome review as always.

Yep, I'm agree about the final and the epilogue... I was like "what the hell? what kind of perverse mind can finish a game like this?"
It seems that infinity ward guys don't know how end a game. In the other CoD's you can't see a proper ending since it's the 2nd world war (well, that's a lie since you can see the end on the fist CoD...), so this time they had to do something new, despite the game's plot ended up looking like most home-films in which the war begins at the start of the movie and ends at the end of the movie, during more or less a week.

But anyway, the game is still aweesome.

Its the same "perverse mind" that gave you "aftermath"...a whole level that wasnt even playable...maybe you didnt get the "message"

 

[myopiczeal]

And a transcript, as is my wont:

Never let it be said that I am an impressionable twenty-something gaming media prick. If I reviewed every bloody game people told me to, I wouldn't even have the free time to mainline the heroin necessary to keep me from putting a gun between my teeth, so for the most part, I let requests go fuck themselves. The only time I review a game from recommendation is when it's simultaneously recommended by about four thousand bleating lambs, which was the case with Call of Duty 4. This game came recommended more highly than a triple-cunted hooker, and brace yourself for a shock, because it deserves the praise it gets. Mostly.

I was surprised, because I have this presumption about serieses like Call of Duty and Medal of Honor being samey shooters with futile pretensions to realism, time-locked Bill Murray style, somewhere between 1941 and 1945, endlessly repeating America's sole moment of glory in living memory, by punching out an endless stream of cackling Nazis with one hand, and scoffing apple pie with the other. Call of Duty 4, conversely, is set in the present day, which inevitably means that the enemies will either be Arab insurgents, Russians, or both, and the plot will involve the theft of nuclear weapons. And while this turned out to be right on the money, it's executed in a very compelling way.

The plot deals with a conflict in a Middle East country (that tactfully goes unnamed, undoubtedly because the state of that region fluctuates so much that it could be a waterslide park by the time this comes out), and your perspective shifts twitchily between a number of different participants in the conflict, allowing you to experience various different environments and combat styles. The US Marines posted in Unspecifiedistan whoop their way into open warfare with their guns balanced on the end of their massive erections, while the stealth-based British SAS scurry around in the bushes like Cockney weasels. These changes of perspective in gameplay ensure that boredom is impossible. The controls are tight and intuitive enough to be effective, however you have to apply them, and to balance the unentertaining seriousness of this sentence: boingo, boingo, whoopsy knickers.

What I like about Call of Duty 4 is that there's less of the smarmy, black-and-white, "My Country, 'Tis of Thee" jingoism that turns me off most war games. While the US Mariners act with short-sighted self-righteousness, convinced that they're the heroes in their own personal war movie (you know, just like in real life), their attitude eventually leads to them screwing the pooch so hard that the pooch has to lock itself in the bathroom for an hour with a tube of soothing cream. You spend most of the game with the British SAS, as they covertly fix things from behind the scenes, but they're depicted as a bunch of morally questionable, psychotic thugs. Again, just like in real life.

CoD 4 never sacrifices gameplay for story, or vice versa, and that's a principle that many game devs neglect, like an orphaned chimney sweep. The sequence that stood out for me was a moment where you Quantem Leap into the body of a chap dying slowly and horribly of radiation poisoning in the aftemath of a nuclear explosion, dragging his useless legs around a wasteland steeped in graveyard stillness before finally breathing his last, unloved and unmourned, thousands of miles from home. It was an unflinching and effective statement, which cheered me up immensely, and not just because I hate my fellow man. It was the turning point that shifted Call of Duty 4 in my eyes from "above-average gun-wank" to "actually pretty excellent gun-wank".

Alright, alright, the use of the word "excellent" should never go unqualified. It's far from perfect; it always seems to be up to you to push forward because your allies are content to sit in their hidey-holes, shooting at endlessly respawning bad guys, all damned day. Unless a grenade flushes them out, most likely dropped by me. Some of the characters are difficult to take seriously, like the incidental black Marine, who unironically raps over the end credits, or the SAS commander who has the kind of absurd facial hair that would indeed have given him a proud military bearing circa 1915, but these days just makes him look like a German porn star. Despite all that, though, I was becoming genuinely attached to the characters, which is why the ending is such a fucking cockslap. It comes out of nowhere in the middle of a fucking gunfight, and gives no closure whatsoever, only a completely irrelevant epilogue thing, plonked on after the end credits. It's like have a big tasty meal at a nice restaurant, but when you ask for the check, the chef comes over and farts in your face. Oh yeah, and some guns take so long to reload that it'd be faster just to send off for a new one by mail order, but now I'm just nitpicking.

All you need to know is this. There are two kinds of games: games that I stop playing because I've been bored or frustrated into a state approaching rigor mortis, and games that I stop playing because I've just noticed I should have had dinner two hours ago, and Call of Duty 4 is in the latter category. It's a truly shining example of the genre that sucked me in like, well, like a triple-cunted hooker. And now, since this review has left me with a lot of surplus bile, let me close by requesting that if any more of you would like to tell me how to do my job, then please get hurled out of a plane, and land anus first on the spire of Winchester Cathedral.

 

[Ambition]

The jokes all seemed forced and rather empty.

Thought i was the only one. Made me smile but the previous ones have made me laugh out loud.

I guess its just repetitive after a while. What was once fresh and new becomes stale and worthless.

Also suggesting that anyone who suggests a game for him to review can basically go **** themselves doesn't endear me to him.

See you next week...

If Game Reviews were fine art, people telling Yahtzee what to review would be like asking Van Gogh to draw your favorite Dragonball Z character.

 

[Tumbler360]

LOL,

Great review!

Excellent Gunwank had me rolling. The German Porn star was pretty funny as well.

Loved it.

Thank you.

 

[thebrink]

I've been avoiding this game because I was mostly done with COD after 3, which are fun games, but usually cater to the slower players that enjoy hiding behind a rock 99% of the time until it's safe to dash under the next rock, luckily placed 20 feet in front of first mentioned rock. Not to say that COD hasn't been challenging at all, it's like LOST however, nearly anyone can get into it because there's something for everyone (as long as you're a "hardcore" gamer and love FPS games, of which there are desperately few!).

You know, it's getting harder to sense the POV dujour on comments, usually it's some uninformed ass backwards assumption (GH3's OMG ITS SO HARD YOU'RE A FREAK FOR LIKING THIS GAME) so it's usually easy to avoid arousing the 50 or so idiots waiting to start their own flame wars. With this I don't know...oh wait this is a generic shooter that any moron on the planet could enjoy and runs on the X-Treme Gamer CONSOLE, 95% of the audience can't insult themselves...I get it.

 

[Morghus]

The continuous respawn turned this game from "Oooh, nice" to "FPS WoW - lots of grinding" >:|

 

[renard]

Its the same "perverse mind" that gave you "aftermath"...a whole level that wasnt even playable...maybe you didnt get the "message"

I meant that the ending is dissapointing since the game is really short in comparision with the other CoD's.
When you reach the collapsing bridge you think "well, after this I'll get a new bunch of missions, probably taking place 4 or 10 years after this..."
But no, the only thing you get is everybody having a bullen on their heads and a "finish him" sequence in which the only thing you miss is "fatality" written with red bold letters on the top of the screen.

 

[DarkElfa]

Hell YA! ...and it was well worth it, if just for the animosity. What can I say, he hit everything on the money as per the usual which just goes to say that there is still no other reviewer I trust more than Yahtzee, he tells it like it is and pulls no bloody punches.

 

[some random guy]

It made me laugh when one of the british soldiers said "what the bloody hell is that?"
Last time I checked, that doesn't make any sence, but who give a fucking hell shit?

 

[sammyfreak]

Excelent review as always, might have a little much profanity in it.

The CoD4-----Portals-Jesus jokes realy did lighten up my day.

 

[cutekittenkyti]

Damn man, you're getting really good at flash. Nice new effects.

quote]

I'm pretty sure he uses Windows Movie Maker and Photoshop. He makes a reference to it in his review that he did right after his travelogue (can't remember the name)

Anyways, I've made a ZP style movie just to see what it was like. And it took me around 10 hours. (Of course I had to freshly create all the art)

But I used WMM and Photoshop. You can tell that he definitly uses at least one type of adobe products since he uses the magic background eraser tool on some of his internet pictures.

Oh and coming up with really funny similies and anologys is WAY hard. Maybe Brittish people have some witty simile gene because my fav author, terry pratchett, comes up with them too.

My attempt goes like
Hmmm its as slow as
aaaaaaas.....
somethin.... slow hmmm
(my brain?)

Anyways I had fun ranting on these comments. And making a ZP video is $@^@$^ annoying since you can't change a pict in WMM, unless you open up photoshop reedit in there, flatten save as BMP or w/e and put back into WMM.

 

[SomeBritishDude]

Nice review Yahtzee

I think the turning point for me in this game was also the american death scene because

1) It was awesome watching buildings disintergrating and great big mushroom cloud forming over the whole of the iraq...I mean, unnamed middle east area

2)Your charcter dies, which is cool. The whole heart beating thing was kind of cool

3)The american dies, not the british guy

4)the american dies, not the british guy

However I kind of found most of the game kind of fustrating and maybe it's just because I need some seriouse medical attention but the story just confused me. Also I thought the german porn stars mastash was halarious. Plus the multiplayer causes me to go into a huff because I'm no good compared to my mates. I'm not a big fan of war games myself, partly because I'm more amused by bright colours and funny noises rather than gritty, real life, happening now stuff. This may explain why I like halo so much...

 

[Hypersapien]

I dunno - There are *much* better ZPs out, this one seemed a little uninspired. Perhaps a lack of enthusiasm, who knows.

You. Are. High.

This was hilarious. I was literally in tears.

 

[jvgp100]

It made me laugh when one of the british soldiers said "what the bloody hell is that?"
Last time I checked, that doesn't make any sence, but who give a fucking hell shit?

It does make sense really - "a fucking hell shit" isnt the same as "what the fucking hell is that?" In the first one you are adding the adjective to shit, so it should be "fucking shit", whereas in the second one you are adding it in to the sentence "what the hell is that?", so hell gets the adjective, i.e. fucking hell, "what the fucking hell is that"? Substitute for bloody as appropriate!

 

[Zelmor]

Firstly, I liked the game a lot, might be because it's been ages since I played with a shooter and recently upgraded my computer to something not shit. Though you could have mentioned the very aggrevating YOU DIED FROM A GRANADE, YOU COCKSLAPPER, TRY THROWING IT AWAY (this message has been shown 544878684564465486 times). Though some people might like it that way, I hate being told i have a small penis over and over again. Which I don't.