Zero Punctuation: Splatterhouse


Cynical bastard
Dec 9, 2008
Oh Yahtzee, your rage over half assed remakes has inspired me to whip up a pic in the style of a meme that's the current flavor of the month.



New member
Aug 21, 2010
Not to get too specific... but this review would have been useful earlier in the week. ;)

Also, Yahtzee makes a good point about a strong ending. After all, that's essay writing 101: Start with strong stuff, weaker stuff in the middle, finish with the strongest stuff.


Digital Spellweaver
Escapist +
May 12, 2020
San Francisco Peninsula
On Microphones

Having recently completed my own short video which needed narration, I discovered The Hard Way that you can't treat audio as an afterthought and expect it to be good (I'm looking at [em]you[/em], MovieBob). Moore's Law has been strangely absent from audio tech, and a quality microphone that would have cost you USD$300 in the 1980's will today still cost USD$300. (I still can't figure out how you got such decent sound out of your first cheapie mic, which I recall you saying died last year.)

Mics of genuine quality tend to live in the USD$200 to $700 range (although you can easily spend far more). To make things more complicated, different mics are often optimal for different tasks -- mic X might be best for vocals, but be poor at recording acoustic guitar, for which mic Y is better.

Then comes the Connector Conspiracy [], where you get to choose between 1/8" mini phono plug (no quality mic will stoop to this level), 1/4" phono plug, or XLR jack. And if you choose the XLR flavor, then you need to pay attention to whether it needs Phantom Power or not, and select your amplifier accordingly.

USB mics are starting to become noticeably okay, but measuring their audio quality is tricky, and are useless if you don't have a computer around to plug them in to.

Ultimately, I ended up testing five mics, four of them USB flavor. The first mic I tried was the mic that came with this headset []. It sounded a shade better than a tin can with string. Next, I borrowed a Plantronics headset from work, both with and without its USB adapter. It sounded better, but getting the mic close enough to get even a halfway decent sound made pops and plosive noises unavoidable, even with a pop filter. Next, I bought a Blue Snowball [] USB microphone at Fry's and tried that. I thought it sounded thin, and it picked up room echos something fierce. Finally, I decided to have a shoot-out between a Blue Yeti [] and a Zoom H4n [] field recorder. The Zoom H4n won for a variety of reasons. One was that it sounded quite good right out of the box. Another was that I don't need to plug it into a computer to record something (although it will do that, too). And if ever I go insane and decide to upgrade, the Zoom will handle 1/4" phono and XLR jacked mics.

It is not, however, a headset affair. Quality head-mounted mics are more expensive still.

Finally, no mic of any quality or cost will save you if you over-compress the audio track. (Here I speak of digital compression, not dynamic range compression.)

Bottom line: Your difficulty in mic selection is not unique, as there is almost never an obvious best choice. It will depend on what you're recording, how and where you're recording it, and how much coin you want to drop. One thing that does appear to be true, however: Mics of genuine quality will last for years. So don't be afraid to spend a bit extra.

Barry Purse

New member
Dec 15, 2010
Hey guys, I am stuck on a part in this game, the thread explains it all.

For the love of Barry Scott,

Please help!


New member
Jan 8, 2009
I liked this game quite a bit, but then again, I'm a Splatterhouse fan so it was inevitable. Can't say he's not mostly right about the gory spectacle though. I think I stopped wowing at it right around the time I had to consistently meander over not getting killed by the buggers that usually slice off your arm along with half your health bar; also the instant-death platforming. The latter wouldn't had been as annoying if not for the loading times in between retries.

I think what I did find the most juvenile were the collectible nude photos of Jennifer, I'm usually not one to mix my violence with sex (ironically) and I think having more chances to just see the real her in distress up close would have gone a long way into making me care more about her. Also, yes, the ending and final boss were disappointing. It's set up for a sequel though, like we didn't see that coming...

At any rate, VERY hilarious video but still waiting for a Fable III review, Yahtzee. Perhaps he's saving it for a 2010 finale. I really find his Fable I & II reviews most memorable so I'm eagerly awaiting it.


Fell off the Alligator.
Jun 24, 2009
The advantage of Gamefly is that I have come to understand all this tedium without having to fork over much cash for it.


New member
Dec 18, 2009
Thank you so much Yahtzee. This shitty game ruined one of my afternoons. You're doing God's work, my boy.


New member
Mar 13, 2009
XxRyanxX said:
...Ah, well there goes my chance to be impressed with the game. I hate repetitive games that just repeat it's progress and have no meaning to the end. All I got from it was "Kill everything, don't care why, and even though my girlfriend was kidnapped I will look at other girl's"... Haha fail game I say.

But nice review as always, giving perfect examples. One line you gave made me laugh a whole lot XD I think it was "Once you become an adult, you choose rather not to" while having the character in a barrel about to go down hill...that was actually me once and I was like "Nah" Lol
Yeah, it is a shame how violenceand porn loses a lot of its appeal once the hormones stop raging.


Whom Gods Annoy
Aug 20, 2008
"Limbs flying off like graduation caps" belongs in the pantheon of Yahtzee's greatest lines. A masterful simile!

Cap'n Moe

New member
Apr 14, 2009
I didn't find anything remotely wrong with the mic. Sounded better than the last time a mic went bad some odd months ago, I thought you were sick.

Anyway, the game is...well...horrid, borrowed it from a friend, and I actually fell asleep, that's bad.

Funny review as always Yahtzee! Keep up the good work.

Assassin Xaero

New member
Jul 23, 2008
Lordofthesuplex said:
Assassin Xaero said:
Gory, repetitive, same stuff over and over again... sounds a lot like MadWorld.
I could say that about a lot of M-rated gorefest styled brawlers.
I liked MadWorld for the first few levels, but it's major problem was that it was the same damn thing over and over again. The only real 'new' thing that came with each level was the stuff like the train (don't remember what it was called... challenges or environmental stuff or something).