Zero Punctuation: Super Smash Bros. Brawl

cutekittenkyti

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Dec 12, 2007
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transcript again for easy finding
Super Smash Bros. Brawl

Mmmehhhh?. I really haven?t been looking forward to this. Last week I accidentally left my copy of this game in a friends? console, and I was genuinely pleased. It meant I could review Condemned 2 instead, a game I actually had some interest in. But there comes a time when we all must pay the piper and eat shit waffles. I don?t even know why I?m reviewing this game. Oh wait, yes I do, because you dip shits wouldn?t stop crying about it. So I was able to defy the ghettoization ofAustralian gamers and acquire an import copy of the game due to the charity of some guys at GAMETRADERS ROBINA. Which you should probably visit because, GAME TRADERS ROBINA is your one stop shop for games and the trading there of, in Robina.

Now, I?m fully aware that SSBB is primarily a multiplayer game, and that I can?t get away with my usual routine of only playing the single player and attempting weakly to rationalize my fear and disgust of other human beings. So this time I took this game, which was indecently sent to me by GAMETRADERS ROBINA, over to MY FRIEND GUY?S HOUSE, to try it out with a bunch of other man children with no prior understanding or interest in Smash Bros. to see how it held up. And the result, a resounding EHH.?

I?ve never liked most fighting games because I argue there?s got to be something wrong with a game in which you can spend fifteen years practicing and learning every slightest nuance and still lose to someone randomly smashing buttons. At our grouping, for example, maybe since only one of us was boring enough to read the manual, our death matches could probably been faithfully recreated by hurling the controllers down a flight of stairs. But even if we all had gotten our PHD?s in wave bird ***** slapping. The fights descended easily into incomprehensible cluster fucks. The characters are so small and the camera zooms out so far, and most of the attacks are such particle effect maelstroms, that they might as well just obscure all the action with billowing dust clouds, like in the beano.

But maybe I?m approaching this the wrong way. Maybe this isn?t a game intended to be played seriously, perhaps I should just be embracing the spectacle. And I must confess, engineering a scenario in which, Mario can brutally beat the stupid out of Princess Peach while the crowd screams for blood, is very satisfying. And it would be pretty sweet to watch solid Snake get Sonic the Hedgehog into an arm lock and slit his throat. Oh wait, we can?t can we, because those characters aren?t unlocked straight away. I hate it when multiplayer games do this. You bring a hot new unreleased to a party and you?re the toast of the evening. Until you discover that half the fucking content has to be unlocked in single player, and then the toast of the evening becomes a damp square of cold mush. I mean I know that video game developers are all hopeless social rejects. But surely they?ve at least gone to one party in their life, even if it involved pass the parcel.

Get this: if you want to be playing as everyone?s favorite azure attention deficit woodland mammal. You have to play for ten **** gargling hours. Well we didn?t have ten vagina swelling hours. We had one vodka filled evening, most of which we probably wouldn?t even remember the following morning. Considering, lest we forget, how prominently Snake and Sonic featured in the fucking hype, there really needs to be a law against this sort of thing. Preferably one of those maritime laws that lead to someone getting tied to a mast and flogged.

But I suppose if you?re hosting the party and have time to prepare, you could always embrace your pathetic friendlessness and go through the single player campaign, which a surprising amount of work has gone into actually. It?s a side scrolling action platform extRRRRavaganza, with free rendered cinematics up the ass, that play like visualizations of the top ten most sickening Nintendo fan fiction circle jerks. And it goes on for bloody HOURS, mainly because the pull the old bullshit of making you go through all the levels twice and considering that they?re already pretty fucking samey, it deserves some kind of prize for services to pointless repetition. Fuck solid Snake, they should let you unlock Bill Murray.

Of course, the problem with playing it alone, is that when you finally do get your mates around, suddenly you?ve turned into THAT GUY. Don?t pretend you don?t know what I mean. THAT GUY who?s so much better then everyone else at the game, because he plays it on his own, the loser. Suddenly you?re not in it for fun anymore, and the goolish grins of your uncoordinated friends fill you with contempt. Soon you seek out other THAT GUY?s for the sake of a decent challenge. And then you?re lost. You?re a fanboy. Congratulations, line up for your free t-shirt and cat ears. Actually that doesn?t happen so much with Smash Bros. Brawl, because as we?ve already established there?s only so good you can get at slapping your palms against the controller like a circus seal.

As I?ve said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it will take is a few more virtual boys and they?ll wank the whole company away. Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the fuck is Marth? And why is unlocking him considered a reward. Oh and thanks Nintendo for putting in a character from Mother 3. A game you?re never going to fucking release outside of Japan. Despite the fact that I can fucking guarantee that more people will play it then Mario Kart eleventy billion the next generation. But really, reviewing Smash Bross Brawl is pointless. Chances are you already know if you like it. There?s a simple test. When the name ?Nintendo Wii? was first revealed, did you ever seriously try to defend it on an internet forum? If yes, you will enjoy this game whatever it?s faults and you might as well start spamming my email address with hatred right now you miserable fanboy twat.
 

xanrethan

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Apr 23, 2008
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Simon_TR said:
xanrethan said:
Wow. I could only read about 5 pages of this and already I want to puke.

Clearly Yahtzee has won. The incessant fanboy posters, making flimsy ad hominem arguments in some misguided hope that they can make Yahtzee or his viewers "see the light" into his bias is making me seriously nauseous.

How can someone hope to defend a mediocre game by saying things like "he wasn't fair in his review" or that his "bias affected the review" etc etc seriously?? He rips on games, get over it! If it were truly spectacular, he would be left in awe, but he wasn't, was he? He hated the Phantom Hourglass, but I loved it, and I didn't feel the need to correct him.

1000 comments on this one movie, amid groupings of 200, It's obvious Yahtzee hit close to home. I only hope he can review some others to inflame other fanboy groups. Someone with a nonsensical no-nonsense approach to reviewing is hilarious to watch, and the comments after especially good movies about especially mediocre to bad games are just as hilarious if not moreso.
Which 5 pages did you read? Were they the first 5 that was like watching Yahtzee getting sucked off by all too eager fanboys or the last 5 that was like watching a person suffering from multiple personality disorder argue amongst himself?

I think you should have posted during the first 5 pages...
Well, post for post the first five. But by the looks of it, ad hominem continues to the last 5 too, so my argument is still valid.
 

144_v1legacy

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Apr 25, 2008
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Mr.Phuckyou said:
NezumiiroKitsune said:
Heh-heh-heh 10 **** gargling hours, love it. I don't wanna read any of this, I'm allergic to stupid uninformed fanboy ranting. Now I'm going to comment the NEW video. I highly suggest you delicate buttercups (wii fanboys) drop this and go do the same before you drown in pool of your own articulate diarrhea.

Anyone trying to defend Yahtzee or otherwise dissuade the fanboys through well structured argument, don't involve yourselves, you cannot satiate a fanboys lust for his own mawing attempts at being acknowledged, simply to force feed you there inconsistent and hopeless propaganda.

People like Mr.Phuckyou should be banned off the Internet for life. Oh yes I own a PS3 :)
lol i guess i lied about coming back! uh oh ur fucked now! and i wasn't going to respond until i saw this guy, who thinks he's smart using all his long words and calling me oblivous, and then later on down leaving saying he's done and then off to bed in a 'oh yeah! i told THAT guy!' sort of way. well after i read that last part of u saying u own a PS3? that's where i pretty much said 'oh... well no wonder you talk shit about brawl, u wish u had it.' dont u judge me along with that other guy saying i should have read the earlier posts. brawl is a success idc if Yahtzee's joking or not, i think ur a PS3 fanboy wat about that huh? really ur just a hopeless fanboy who wish sony made good games. and dont bother with GTA4 or whatever it's all garbage. Wii outscores PS3 and 360 in everyway except graphics too bad that doesnt make a real game, it only helps. So YOU'RE oblivious, AND you play shitty games... Let's all ban this inarticulate diarrhea douchefuck dickhead instead. (hows THAT for alliteration *****?)
Two things:

Everything you have just accused Nezumiiro of is something you are also guilty of, and he, for the most part, is not, at least not to a strong degree. All you're doing is making an even bigger spectacle.

The second thing is that I'm sorry for postponing this thread by something unrelated to SSBB or Yahtzee. So... how 'bout that limiting stage builder, eh? Anyone find any glitches yet?
 

ElArabDeMagnifico

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Dec 20, 2007
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cutekittenkyti what the hell possessed you to make such a long post?!

bluemarsman said:
WTF?!?!? Over one thousand posts in one week? Yahtzee sure knows how to piss off the fanboys.
The arguments kinda died at around 700...we just aimed for 1,000 :D
 

culade

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Dec 17, 2007
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ElArabDeMagnifico said:
cutekittenkyti what the hell possessed you to make such a long post?!
someone posts the transcript of each ZP almost every week. although this one was kinda late. why do they do it? i have no clue, but i like it, and occasionally find them useful.

geez.. 30 pages of arguing over SSBB and Yahtzee's hatred of it (and it's fanboys), which was clearly stated at the beginning of the rant.. er.. review. i haven't played much SSB so i have no opinion either way, but i know Yahtzee has been on the mark with many games. however on occasion he'll overlook things when his lack of interest in it won't allow for a real review.

Mr.Phuckyou said:
wasn't going to respond until i saw this guy, who thinks he's smart using all his long words
i didn't find any of the words that he used to be over the top. 'inconsistent', 'propaganda'... these aren't really brain busters.
 

The Thief

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Apr 24, 2008
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bluemarsman said:
WTF?!?!? Over one thousand posts in one week? Yahtzee sure knows how to piss off the fanboys.
I bet more than 200 posts in this thread are from people commenting on the size of it.
 

Cowabungaa

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Feb 10, 2008
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I'de like to say 1 thing about the controls though: what Yathzee says is bullcrap. Super Smash's main strenght lies in the fact that it's so easy to know what you're doing. Not like Tekken, where you (for example) do an awesome combo move and think "How did I do that??". Because that's not the case with Super Smash, I love it. Ofcourse that's what Nintendo usually does, making easy-to-access games, Super Smash is a great example of an "easy to pick up hard to master" type game. Ofcourse you can still encounter "that guy" who will still beat the living daylight out of you (kirby kicking snake's ass = comedy value), but with just some friends you'll have the game under your controll in no time.
Also, like Yathzee says in it's new review, sure some game-series don't differ a lot, but does every game nééd innovation?
 

Doug

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Apr 23, 2008
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Assassinator said:
I'de like to say 1 thing about the controls though: what Yathzee says is bullcrap.
Oh FFS, its his opinion. Will everyone just let this thread die, please! He has his opinion, you have your, the universe doesn't care either way.
 

The Thief

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Apr 24, 2008
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Doug said:
Assassinator said:
I'de like to say 1 thing about the controls though: what Yathzee says is bullcrap.
Oh FFS, its his opinion. Will everyone just let this thread die, please! He has his opinion, you have your, the universe doesn't care either way.
He's merely stating his opinion on Yahtzee's opinion, and if in your opinion that is wrong then it is my opinion that you are a hypocrite.

I think that we can all agree that opinion sounds a lot like onion.

And who are you to say what the universe cares about. I heard it's a huge SSB fan, so...
 

Suppahh

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Apr 30, 2008
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Simon_TR said:
And who are you to say what the universe cares about. I heard it's a huge SSB fan, so...
Definetely true :p, and cheers to say SSBB still sucks on your newest review :p.
 

Durant

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May 1, 2008
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Well I can see this thread gained a lot of attention. Really I do not know what all the commotion is really about. Whenever Yathzee does a review, its based on his experience with the game so by saying that his review was bull crap means your not open to opinions.

Now as much as I would like to say that the Brawl series sucks I wont because I havent had the opportunity to play any of their titles. Really not interested I should say as to me the Brawler series does seem more created for fans of Nintendo rather than for fighting game fanatics.

Seriously though guys lets let this thread die now. Yathzee has moved on to God of War (although it was a funny shot he made at you guys at the end of that review) and I doubt he will be looking back just to do another review just cause 90% of the population didnt agree with his one review.

-Durant
 

xdiesp

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Oct 21, 2007
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In the 40s boys had nations to fight for, in the 60s they had political sides, now they have consoles and they all sound like whining slaves.
 

Durant

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xdiesp said:
In the 40s boys had nations to fight for, in the 60s they had political sides, now they have consoles and they all sound like whining slaves.
I laughed as I read that and agreed. Some of these guys are a bit too loyal and not looking for their own interest at heart. They prefer the company's interest over their own. Its sad really...
 

TheDarkArchon

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Assassinator said:
I'de like to say 1 thing about the controls though: what Yathzee says is bullcrap.
Yahtzee wasn't complaining about the controls: He was complaining how matches were complete clusterfucks because it was difficult to make out what the Hell was going on.
 

jamie320

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Yahtzee, I noticed in the beginning that on your list of things to do you had attempted (and, if I'm not mistaken, failed) to commit suicide. Now don't take that attitude! Try, try, and try again! Feel free to e-mail me and tell me where it went wrong, and I'll be happy to assist you in reaching your goal. Don't be shy!
 

Cowabungaa

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TheDarkArchon said:
Assassinator said:
I'de like to say 1 thing about the controls though: what Yathzee says is bullcrap.
Yahtzee wasn't complaining about the controls: He was complaining how matches were complete clusterfucks because it was difficult to make out what the Hell was going on.
Listen again, especially the part about Wii remotes hurteling down the stairs. That was about the controlls. I never had such an experience, random friends I played with figured the game controlls out in no-time and we all know what we were doing in the same time-frame. He is right about the clusterfuck thingy, that's why I never really prefered 4 way battles (although 2 vs 2 is completly doable, it's the 4 man battle royale wich is a pain in the ass, numerous times I thought I was controlling a completely different character). I stated somewhere before that he has some very valid points about SSBB (whereither he blows them out of proportion is something else, but ofcourse that's just Yathzee ;) our favorite nit-picker), but I also say that with the controles he's wrong.