Zero Punctuation: The Witcher

Phil Ashio

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Jan 23, 2008
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One of the few critics with balls enough to call crappy games for what they are. Good thing he didn't stick around to chapter 4 where the MMORPG design becomes even more blatant padding. And by that point he would have also discovered how much worse alchemy becomes when mixed with the shitty inventory system. Then there's the tedious gift giving and the often broken nonsensical dialog trees.
 

viciousmaniac

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Oct 24, 2007
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I have to say how completely brilliant this was, especially in terms of sheer entertainment. The best and ironically most lucid one yet, and that was before that great, somewhat Pythons/Adam and Joe-esq bit with Painkiller at the end.

There's not much to debate, just about everything said on The MUMORPUGER, er sorry, The Witcher was spot on really. The MMORPGS-style template always felt like the nerd equivalent of the tea cup ride at Disneyland, in my view.
 

Odjin

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Nov 14, 2007
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@DarthTirith:
Not sarcastic: true. Games geared for consoles in the first place kill the game. One example is DX:IW where the console control schema and GUI totally killed ( besides other things ) the game itself. One of the reasons why PC games suck so much in the last time is due to crappy "OMFG WE NEED A CONSOLE VERSION.... KTHXBYE!" thinking of developers. The result are crappy controls, crappy GUIs, totally overloaded and unusable GUI systems and resolutions geared for a fucking TV screen not knowing what something like 1600 pixels wide really means.

To whoever said something about his reviews have no truth and are just for fun this is bullshit. The gaming industries churn out since quite some time the most repeating and boring shit one can imagine. Furthermore crap sites like IGN and others toss out over-hyped reviews just to get publishers to put their fucking ads on their fucking pages ( which I call "finger my dick" syndrome ). We need people really saying what shit is going on and not sugar-coating it just so we get our fucking revenues.
 
Nov 15, 2007
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Oh my fucking god! First of all great send up of the Witcher. I enjoyed it for a while, and I'm ashamed to admit I even recommended it to people (on this website no less), but after ten hours I forgot what I was doing, lost interest, and sold it.

Also, the Painkiller bit was fucking hilarious.
 

mandos9

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Jan 23, 2008
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The review was funny as always,especially the painkiller clip. But everybody knows yathzee hates rpgs (if you put yatzee in a locked room with a jrpg he would jump off the window to get away from it). Whoever likes crpgs in general shouldn't be discouraged by this review, the things yathzee didn't like are exactly the things you are going to find interesting.
 

rls669

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Jan 23, 2008
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I registered here just so I could say that Intro Sequence Theatre is the best thing in the history of the Internets. Possibly in the history of the universe.
 

Tel Prydain

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Jan 23, 2008
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All you PC gamers who are saying: "Not your best". I assume that what you guys really mean this is the first time he's given a thumping to a PC-only game. Given your comments on his other reviews, I can?t help but assume you think that the bit about ?dirty console playing peasants? and the ?glorious PC gaming master? race was more of a statement of belief then a legitimate joke.

Seriously, given his review of Mass Effect, I think we can all safely say that this chap just shouldn?t be playing RPGs. If you dislike both the Witcher and Mass Effect, you should probably just avoid the genre altogether.
 

Quistnix

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Nov 22, 2007
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Dexter111 said:
Especially stay clear of highly medalled PC-RPG's with complexity and a great interesting story like Baldur's Gate, PS:T, Gothic-Series, Neverwinter Nights 2, Fallout 2, The Witcher
I seem to recall Yathzee saying positive things about Fallout and Torment, so maybe he doesn't hate rpg's in general, just the bad ones.
 

Rune R.

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Dec 31, 2004
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Great review, and hillarious as always, although I do have some thoughts.

#1: I have played the witcher, and like you, got bored after the third bimbo and the endless running from place to place. I also didnt have the time needed to finish it at the time I started it, but I was curious about it.

#2: I never even glanced at the manual and still had no problem with the Interface whatsoever.

#3: Alchemy complex? Unless you have a serious learning disability, in which case I appologise for this comment; Alchemy is a case of colour matching. Alcohol + blue+ green + yellow ingredient = Some pre-determined effect. It couldnt possibly get any easier.

Thats it mostly, once again, hillarious review, despite a few odd bits.
 

Metonym

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Jan 21, 2008
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and to think I almost bought this pile of sh....
thanks again for saving me some money..

By the way stop fiddling about with the consoles and review some PeCee RTS´s
 

Esure

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Jan 14, 2008
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I liked the review; but sorry I didn't get the "extra" bit at all. Is it a new game coming out or somin?
 

laikenf

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Oct 24, 2007
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... I don't know... Well, I haven't played the Witcher so I'm not gonna try to defend it. But I'm realizing that I'm kind of tired at Yahtzee's reviews. I'm not angry or anything, it's just that I find him to be an overly negative person when it comes to reviews; now I know that it's his style (love it or leave it) and I know that the negativity and sarcasm are his hooks (a lot of people love him for that, even me... at the beggining). But I can't help but notice how much it irritates me when somebody is incapable of enjoying something that he supposedly loves (and then complain about it). He (or at least the character named Yahtzee) strikes me as the kind of person that could be hoplessly enjoying a meal his whife cooked but just to annoy her he'll say that the food is awful, and will actually play the part. Because of that his reviews main focus is not only to bash a game (good or bad) but to sound very irritated and pissed off about it (that includes ranting, cursing, etc. to the point where it's not even a review anymore just him venting and lashing out). I mean if you want to ridicule all the games you want by all means do so, just don't masquerade you're rants as reviews because in those rants usually very little is explained about the game itself (and that could be VERY MISSLEADING). Other than that, he could be VERY FUNNY when he wants to.
 

laikenf

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Oct 24, 2007
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Tel Prydain said:
All you PC gamers who are saying: "Not your best". I assume that what you guys really mean this is the first time he's given a thumping to a PC-only game. Given your comments on his other reviews, I can?t help but assume you think that the bit about ?dirty console playing peasants? and the ?glorious PC gaming master? race was more of a statement of belief then a legitimate joke.

Seriously, given his review of Mass Effect, I think we can all safely say that this chap just shouldn?t be playing RPGs. If you dislike both the Witcher and Mass Effect, you should probably just avoid the genre altogether.
NICE!!
 

Janitor

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Jan 23, 2008
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yahtzee, u sick sick bastard, u done it again...
i don't belive there is a man, woman or a dog on this planet that doesn't like u're reviewz
keep it up... 4 D money sake xD
 

jimmythenoob

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Nov 27, 2007
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Feehl said:
Bah. The only ZP so far I found neither funny, nor true. But it may be because I'm that rare breed of people that enjoy CRPGs. I think that tends to happen when people write about genres they don't care about. The Mass Effect review should have been a clue. At least it mostly said things that were true. :\
I agree, this was the first review I didnt really laugh at. I dont know why, others seem to like it so I suppose its just the type of game. mind you I did consider playing the witcher and just never got round to it, after the review I dont think i will bother with it so I suppose the review did its job. I did find the review usfull, just not as entertaining as the others, while I did like the additional thing idea I didnt find it that funny...i did chuckle (pufferfish...20 mins) I just have some unjust byaist against this partricular one....wait...i blame jetlag...jetlag must be it, 9 hour flight is the only explanation for me not finding it that funny.