Zero Punctuation: Valkyria Chronicles

bartholen_v1legacy

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Jan 24, 2009
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Waaaaaah!!

The end is nigh! Yahtzee reviews ANOTHER jrpg!

Well no. This was probaly the best episode in the last two months or so. The "eeeeeyooowwweeeoooaaa" depicting Yahtzee's feelings towards jrpgs even made me laugh. "It was like he was so dense that his gravitational pull absorbed every bypassing bullet into his face" was also good. Chest high walls represented by the box of Gears 2 = brilliant. And if Yahtzee thinks he could get into turn-based strategy then he should play WHFB or 40K.
 

1337mokro

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Dec 24, 2008
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OMG Yahtzee reviewing another JRPG!!!!!


MY socks blew to the moon (old joke reference).

But one of the more imaginative reviews of last few months.
 

Azhrarn-101

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Jul 15, 2008
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thetragicclown said:
"Schmazi Gormtroopers" are the two greatest words I've heard today.

And definitely check out "one o'dem Xcom games", as long as it's the first one.
The second is essentially the first with new wallpaper and a more sadistic difficulty cliff.
(and a few bugs that make certain key research subjects obnoxiously hard to get hold of)

So that would also be a valid game to review, although he'd probably complain about the difficulty, Terror From the Deep was a nightmare to finish.
 

brynnflynn

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Dec 16, 2008
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:) Loved the rant as always, and while I agreed on some points (FSDGUCKING BUSTARDS SHOOTING ME DED ON MY TURN), I thought they pulled off the concept relatively well for a first trial.

Of course, you're not going to enjoy it if you don't enjoy JRPGS. So I'll give you that point.
 

NoSeraph

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Apr 30, 2008
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Chipperz said:
Loved the review, and I'm hitting the Playstation Store to download the demo now.

The game may be rubbish, but I'm intrigued...
Congrats, Chipperz - you're in for one of the most fun and rewarding titles of the console. Hope that you enjoy it!

Yahtzee's review hits on a few easy nitpicks, but I have the feeling that he didn't play the game past the first few chapters (i.e. upgrading weapons/tanks gets more complex later on). Either way, it's definitely worth downloading it to give it a shot.

For anyone else sitting on the fence about whether or not to get this game, it's of worthy note that Valkyria chronicles was developed by the team that made Skies of Arcadia - some of the characters from that game even appear in this one as an added bonus!
 

Lord_Panzer

Impractically practical
Feb 6, 2009
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That bit with the Japanese and the Germans nearly made pop come out my nose. Well done, Mr. Croshaw.
 

UtopiaV1

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Feb 8, 2009
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Ball-beltingly funny, a real return to form! Ignore these loud-mouths spouting their favorite JRPG's at you, and the 'holier-than-thou' anti-war puritans who condemn you for even MENTIONING awkward world history, this one genuinely made me laugh out loud, and that is exactly why you're here!!!
 

haakonb

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Nov 12, 2008
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Loved this ep and your description of JRGP's, can't agree more.

I HATE JRPG's


...and now I'll probably get a lot of angry faggy fanboy comments..
 

chase211

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Sep 22, 2008
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Pretty accurate review here. The game has moments where you start to enjoy it...then the game arbitrarily one shots you and you rage out all over everything.

The menu is god awefull and its almost metal gear esque in the amount of not playing the game in between each short segment of playing it.
 

MichaelMaverick

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Jan 28, 2009
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I must say Yahtzee's growing blander and more annoying to listen to with each passing review. Or at least terribly repetitive. (Yet another Adolf Hitler reference, replacing the first two letters in a given name with "b", joking about testicles being absorbed into body....does he do this intentionally to see if anyone's nerdy enough to keep track/remember? I would think so, but degrading his current review at that cost is pathetic.) Humor (or attempt at such) is much too forced and actually seems to have been heavily dominating over the criticism part as of late - kind of makes you wonder how he perceives his work at this point. I've always been more of a sympathizer as far as his opinions and presentation were concerned, always defended his name when people here and there called him pretentious and said he's popularising his hateful attitude (despite knowing it's pointless and a waste of time), but I've really rather grown inclined to agreeing with it in the past few weeks. I can understand that most games aren't that great these days and have their faults, and it can't be helped if Yahtzee ends up disliking most titles he gets his hands on because he couldn't have known or because they really do happen to be shitty, but why the fuck does he review a game he knows he's gonna hate? That EVERYONE knows he's gonna hate? Why does he even play it? Sure, he's got to have an overview as a critic, but is this sort of theatre truly necessary? Is popular demand so tiresome that he does it despite everything, even though he knows he's rambling about the same shit over and over? Even though he knows that he's making us witness him drifting down the same river of feces all over again?

I find it ironic how he often goes on about celebrities or famous/populistic individuals suffering worsened performace and eventual downfall when he's arriving at precisely that stage of his career himself.


EDIT: AND TO PROVE MY ABSOLUTE EXISTENTIAL SUPERIORITY OVER HIM, I HAVE POSTED THIS NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT FIVE TIMES. THAT'S RIGHT, THAT IS THE RATIONAL EXPLANATION BEHIND THIS. NOT THIS WEBSITE BEING A FLAMING PILE OF MUTATING ASSHOLES. NO SIR.
 

MichaelMaverick

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Jan 28, 2009
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The thought of editing out every and each of these posts occured to me in the first few seconds as well, Solid, but I just so happened to run out of funny substitutions, time, enthusiasim for further posting on these forums (which I have already labeled as either shitty or working improperly for me), and CARE.
 

Strong Intelligent

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Feb 25, 2009
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Chris B Chikin said:
Strong Intelligent said:
He sounded like he was making fun of autistic people at "how I feel about JRPGs"

Good aside from that,
Given that none of the autistic people I know have ever reacted like that to anything I think that comment says more about your perceptions of the mentally handicapped that Yahtzee's.

Anyway, enjoyed this one - a nice good ol' fashioned ripping to shreds of a gameI'll never get around to playing.
I am autistic, but okay.

Also, at a younger age I'd make that kind of noise when I went into my "sensory meltdowns" or something.

As I said, I don't really care, bit it did jar my a slight so I thought I'd mention it.
 

randommaster

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Sep 10, 2008
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Welcome to JRPGs, Yahtzee. Finding one without a bunch of fidly menus is hard, as the customization is usually a draw for fans. But you don't read these boards anyways, so I'm just talking to myself.

Anyways, one of the more entertaining episodes in a while. You can really feel his hate for the game.
 

MichaelMaverick

New member
Jan 28, 2009
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I must say Yahtzee's growing blander and more annoying to listen to with each passing review. Or at least terribly repetitive. (Yet another Adolf Hitler reference, replacing the first two letters in a given name with "b", joking about testicles being absorbed into body....does he do this intentionally to see if anyone's nerdy enough to keep track/remember? I would think so, but degrading his current review at that cost is pathetic.) Humor (or attempt at such) is much too forced and actually seems to have been heavily dominating over the criticism part as of late - kind of makes you wonder how he perceives his work at this point. I've always been more of a sympathizer as far as his opinions and presentation were concerned, always defended his name when people here and there called him pretentious and said he's popularising his hateful attitude (despite knowing it's pointless and a waste of time), but I've really rather grown inclined to agreeing with it in the past few weeks. I can understand that most games aren't that great these days and have their faults, and it can't be helped if Yahtzee ends up disliking most titles he gets his hands on because he couldn't have known or because they really do happen to be shitty, but why the fuck does he review a game he knows he's gonna hate? That EVERYONE knows he's gonna hate? Why does he even play it? Sure, he's got to have an overview as a critic, but is this sort of theatre truly necessary? Is popular demand so tiresome that he does it despite everything, even though he knows he's rambling about the same shit over and over? Even though he knows that he's making us witness him drifting down the same river of feces all over again?

I find it ironic how he often goes on about celebrities or famous/populistic individuals suffering worsened performace and eventual downfall when he's arriving at precisely that stage of his career himself.
 

Max-Vader

New member
May 9, 2009
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Well, his review was certainly awesome and he makes good points (the story and cutscenes can go to hell) but I still like the game. It's pretty fun, just sometimes frustrating when the enemys blow your tank up in the last second.
He actually bitched a lot less than I expected (seriously, he was SLIGHTLY entertained by a JRPG! That is quite something when you consider that he hates this genre more than anything.)
My favorite besides the "nazi-sympathiser" (somehow even more funny for me, maybe because I'm german) was certainly the "adopted"-joke. He might actually be right.

PS: What, no breast-jokes about the valkyrie?
 

MichaelMaverick

New member
Jan 28, 2009
65
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I must say Yahtzee's growing blander and more annoying to listen to with each passing review. Or at least terribly repetitive. (Yet another Adolf Hitler reference, replacing the first two letters in a given name with "b", joking about testicles being absorbed into body....does he do this intentionally to see if anyone's nerdy enough to keep track/remember? I would think so, but degrading his current review at that cost is pathetic.) Humor (or attempt at such) is much too forced and actually seems to have been heavily dominating over the criticism part as of late - kind of makes you wonder how he perceives his work at this point. I've always been more of a sympathizer as far as his opinions and presentation were concerned, always defended his name when people here and there called him pretentious and said he's popularising his hateful attitude (despite knowing it's pointless and a waste of time), but I've really rather grown inclined to agreeing with it in the past few weeks. I can understand that most games aren't that great these days and have their faults, and it can't be helped if Yahtzee ends up disliking most titles he gets his hands on because he couldn't have known or because they really do happen to be shitty, but why the fuck does he review a game he knows he's gonna hate? That EVERYONE knows he's gonna hate? Why does he even play it? Sure, he's got to have an overview as a critic, but is this sort of theatre truly necessary? Is popular demand so tiresome that he does it despite everything, even though he knows he's rambling about the same shit over and over? Even though he knows that he's making us witness him drifting down the same river of feces all over again?

I find it ironic how he often goes on about celebrities or famous/populistic individuals suffering worsened performace and eventual downfall when he's arriving at precisely that stage of his career himself.