A Poly relationship

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I have a hard enough time managing one relationship to the best of my ability. Managing two people's separate expectations sounds like my idea of hell. If it's just for sex then I guess that's easier, but then it's not really a relationship, it's more like filler.

Personally I think that a kingdom divided cannot stand, but I'm willing to be proven wrong and some of the people here seem to be managing ok. How do you go about giving 100% of yourself to each person? Wouldn't someone be getting short changed, if not in the immediate future then long term?

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Eh, I can see how the jealousy thing might apply. Suppose that the connection--physical or emotional--between two people in the triangle is stronger than either of their connections with the third. In other words (to use your first example), suppose one of the women and the guy have sex with each other much more often than either has sex with the other woman. Wouldn't it be fairly reasonable for the other woman to feel jealous?

I could see that if the people were having sex separately. For example, in a hinge poly, if the hinge guy had sex with one girl more than the other as in your example, then sure.

What I don't get is if everyone is having sex together, at the same time, how that could happen.

Also... well, I find it hard to understand loving people different "amounts" - there isn't a limited supply of love.

I think people usually view sex as something particularly intimate and something that is usually only shared with people that you particularly care about. I don't see why you'd miss that when it's kind of the common view in society. Whether you take that view or not, it should be obvious it is out there and people hold it.

Agreed. However, the point of a poly relationship is that all members feel that way about one another (or some slight variations). Again, there isn't a limited supply of love - you can love more than one person at once.

So yeah.

 

[Sandjube]

Nah, I couldn't do it, nor can I understand why you would, not that I have a problem with it. Do whatever you want, yo.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Just saying, makes it seem like both of you are really insecure in your relationship if both of you are so easily threatened to the point of violence.

You sound like you're trying way too hard to make him sound threatened when he's already sure of his gf's reaction, which is rejection.

If he's sure, then why get violent?

If you're not just trying really hard, why give such a poor reason? Honestly, I hate it when people try to bludgeon others with their lack of imagination as an argument. All it does is reflect poorly on your ability to consider things without bias.

It seems obvious anyway. He doesn't like people who hit on people who are taken. I don't see why dislike would be hard to understand, he just goes further. Further to a degree I'd say he needs anger management classes, but it's just an extension of a feeling that doesn't require someone to feel threatened.

...?

Well whatever, it's working for homeboy so more power to him.

 

[WolfThomas]

Snip

I'm scared shitless by your completely antisocial attitude that justifies physical assault on people for what you perceive as flirting with your other.

If this is true one day you or your girlfriend would end up meeting someone who might be gay/straight, single/taken, sober/drunk, just friendly/extrovert or actually genuinely flirting. They'll end up in hospital with a base of skull fracture or worse dead. You'll be in civil or criminal court.

Rational adults calmly divert any unwanted attention without a fuss and are self-confident enough to know that their partner isn't going to run away with the next person who makes eye contact with them.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

The point of it doesn't mean it will actually work that way for most people or override other considerations.
And who said anything about a limited supply?

True.

And your comment about it being "particularly intimate" made it sound like you couldn't love more than one person that much - ie, as if there was a limited supply.

I've talked before about my personal confusion over sexual jealousy. Part of it is me - I know that. I just don't "get" jealousy. If someone I love is made happy by having sex with someone else in addition to me, then why should I be anything but happy? Particularly if I get invited along. It would be like being jealous of my dildo. If my partner is getting pleasure, then that makes me happy. Not that I don't like being pleasured too, but again, I have yet to have a situation where I was uninvited to the bedroom.

Although I have insisted that my partner go have sex with other people without me. I was feeling unwell, so I couldn't enjoy it.

 

[hazabaza1]

I couldn't imagine having a threesome with another girl and a boyfriend cause if she so much as kissed him I'd rip her to shreds.

If she kissed him? Peh. You aint got nothing on my girlfriend. If another girl so much as FLIRTS with me, then my girlfriend will first call her very unlady-like things, then will beat her. On my end, same thing. If another dude starts hitting on her, I will deck him and make sure he leaves with a limp..

Or...
You could explain and tell the guy to back off.

But that would be reasonable, wouldn't it? Couldn't be having that, oh no.

 

[game-lover]

There was a time where my first response would be a very insulting in all caps laugh.

Now, I'll just say that's never gonna happen.

Add it to the category of things about relationships and sex that I will probably never understand.

 

[Divine Miss Bee]

i have been in a few poly relationships before. i like them better than one-on-one relationships because if one person irritates you, you have a mediator and you get a little space from the issue. plus the sex is varied and usually amazing because we're all competing.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I've talked before about my personal confusion over sexual jealousy. Part of it is me - I know that. I just don't "get" jealousy. If someone I love is made happy by having sex with someone else in addition to me, then why should I be anything but happy? Particularly if I get invited along. It would be like being jealous of my dildo. If my partner is getting pleasure, then that makes me happy. Not that I don't like being pleasured too, but again, I have yet to have a situation where I was uninvited to the bedroom.

I've always found that fascinating and you're not the first person I've heard say it. To me, that attitude makes logical sense but totally doesn't resonate in me emotionally. I'd get jealous, despite agreeing with you from a logical stand-point that my partner's happiness makes me happy.

Perhaps it's an ego thing and sex being the most personal and intimate way a human can express their love for another it can make people really raw. I remember once when a girlfriend in the heat of the moment suggest I use a dildo on her and that brought proceedings to a screeching halt. I took it as a slight on my manhood and questioned whether I was enough for her. Turns out it was none of that (which I should have known because we were dynamite together), just something she wanted to try and she felt safe enough to ask, but I couldn't divorce myself of any feelings of inadequacy.

As I said, I find it fascinating but also completely alien.

 

[Ledan]

I don't think I could do it, because it would for me create more complicated social dynamic. It could work if it were the exactly right people, but I would be more selective of the people and since I'm already pretty selective....
add another guy to the equation and it would be a bit awkward in bed(im not bi), and I would feel very hurt if I felt slighted (i.e. that they were spending more time together). Add another guy into the equation and I would feel pressured not to be selective, I wouldn't want to make one of them feel like I might feel. And I would still have the potential to feel slighted. And I would have 2 women on my hands.... feel like I could get ganged up on

 

[Pharsalus]

Could be interesting, hard to focus perhaps though...

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I've always found that fascinating and you're not the first person I've heard say it. To me, that attitude makes logical sense but totally doesn't resonate in me emotionally. I'd get jealous, despite agreeing with you from a logical stand-point that my partner's happiness makes me happy.

Perhaps it's an ego thing and sex being the most personal and intimate way a human can express their love for another it can make people really raw. I remember once when a girlfriend in the heat of the moment suggest I use a dildo on her and that brought proceedings to a screeching halt. I took it as a slight on my manhood and questioned whether I was enough for her. Turns out it was none of that (which I should have known because we were dynamite together), just something she wanted to try and she felt safe enough to ask, but I couldn't divorce myself of any feelings of inadequacy.

As I said, I find it fascinating but also completely alien.

Wow.

I usually use feeling jealous of sex toys as an extreme example, almost hyperbole, but you actually felt that.

I hope you have worked your way through that and are now comfortable using toys on her. Remember - the toy doesn't do anything until someone (in this case you) uses it - it becomes a metaphoric extension of you when you wield it.

Also remember - dildos are one of the few ways a couple can manage double penetration without additional players. I'm just sayin'. ^^

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

I've always found that fascinating and you're not the first person I've heard say it. To me, that attitude makes logical sense but totally doesn't resonate in me emotionally. I'd get jealous, despite agreeing with you from a logical stand-point that my partner's happiness makes me happy.

Perhaps it's an ego thing and sex being the most personal and intimate way a human can express their love for another it can make people really raw. I remember once when a girlfriend in the heat of the moment suggest I use a dildo on her and that brought proceedings to a screeching halt. I took it as a slight on my manhood and questioned whether I was enough for her. Turns out it was none of that (which I should have known because we were dynamite together), just something she wanted to try and she felt safe enough to ask, but I couldn't divorce myself of any feelings of inadequacy.

As I said, I find it fascinating but also completely alien.

Wow.

I usually use feeling jealous of sex toys as an extreme example, almost hyperbole, but you actually felt that.

I hope you have worked your way through that and are now comfortable using toys on her. Remember - the toy doesn't do anything until someone (in this case you) uses it - it becomes a metaphoric extension of you when you wield it.

Also remember - dildos are one of the few ways a couple can manage double penetration without additional players. I'm just sayin'. ^^

Yeah I can get madly jealous (or as I call it "passionate"). Fortunately I'm a lover and not a fighter so I just stew to myself.

We got past it, but I'm no longer with her. She wanted marriage, I wanted to reconcile my previous marriage (I was separated at the time).

 

[shintakie10]

I was in one for a while at one point. It originally started as a relationship between two of my friends that I greatly cared for. Eventually they brought me into it because they felt the same way. It ended up bein a problem when, for whatever fucked reason of his, one of them decided to arbitrarily start settin up intimacy rules. No sex unless he was around. He could have sex with her, or me at any time, but she and I could not have sex (even foreplay stuff) without him around.

I have absolutely no idea where his insane bout of jealousy came from, but she and I tried to work through it because we loved him and each other. Eventually though I broke it off because I saw what his jealousy was doin to her and figured that, since I was a later addition to that relationship I could be taken out of the equation far easier than she, or he, could.

It hurt quite a bit to be honest because it was a wonderful relationship before that. Havin two people who love and understand you and who were always by your side was such a wonderful feelin. To have it turned against itself because someone wanted it all to himself hurt more than any physical wound could have.


I will say it all worked out at least. I'm in a monogamous relationship now with the love of my life and we're quite happy together. The other two are still together and are expectin a child sometime soon.

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

So long as it's not a cult, why not? A relationship's just what the people involved consent to.

Poly wouldn't be my first choice, but I don't think it would be a dealbreaker for me either. (Though I would be somewhat suspicious when my compatriots offer me punch.)

 

[Mel Theofficegamergirl]

I think it's really cool for people that can. I wish I could trust and love like that. Totally would if I could, but I don't think I could hang. I like putting my all into one person, more than that, it's like, not enough love to go around, you know? I'd feel like I wouldn't have enough time or energy to handle more than one partner, not if it were to be anything resembling a meaningful relationship (to me) anyways. Totally wish that I could though. I mean, I could love lots of people, just not be in a relationship with lots of people. Been there, done that, etc.

 

[Astoria]

It's not for me, unless it was more like a friends with benefits kinda thing rather than actual relationship. I get super jealous when I'm with someone and I also like being faithful to who I'm with. I don't think badly of anyone who does have multiple partners though, whatever floats your boat and makes you happy.

 

[Xman490]

Never even been in a twosome, so I don't really see myself in a threesome. Never say never I suppose, but as I don't know how I'd behave when with just the one person, I have no idea if two (or more) would suit me. Probably not as I'm a very private person.

But hey, congrats on your newly founded relationship! =)

*repeats the whole above quote, truthfully*

Threesomes sound like fun, actually. If I could pull it off, I would do it with 2 women. I might even get into it with a women and a man, if he isn't rough and hairy.