Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[Phasmal]

Well, I am signed up for some therapy now. Began the process back in november, and I have an appointment for april to be assessed. Dunno what else I can do. Having enough trouble with uni work, honestly, I'm just trying to keep myself together for now while I wait for proper solutions.

Well, it would be good to try and not say bad things about yourself for the time being. Be positive, do stuff you love.
Having or not having a relationship doesn't define people.
It's massively cliche, but you should try and be happy with yourself before looking to be happy with someone else.
I'm gonna stop now because I sound like a cliche dispenser.

 

[Frokane]

isnt staring creepy? Id find it creepy if a someone started staring at me

 

[Lawbringer]

My turn : i'm extremely attracted to my ex-assistant manager ( i quit ) . I have a feeling she has a thing for me to . She is about 20 years my senior . The problem is . A) She's married B) she has children my age . I want to invite her for lunch or dinner . I have her number , and i know she talks about me since i left . I just don't know how to approach this ? Should i ask her in person? Should i call her? Should i do it while she's at work? At home ? Do i just say it's a friendly lunch? Do i tell her i want to go on a date with her? Do i drop the idea completly?How do i ask her out?

No, no, no. The age is fine. The Kids is fine...but there is a major problem:

The problem is . A) She's married

I'm not saying don't talk to her, see her, anything like that. However, trying to destroy someone else's marriage is completely not okay. I don't mean to sound judgemental, because I know from personal experience how hard it is to be objective when you're attracted to someone. So take it from me: pulling a family apart is an extremely dickish thing to do. Imagine if, 20 years from now, you were married to the woman of your dreams and you had children with her, then some young guy starts inviting her out for dates. Do you think you would be thrilled by the prospect? Enjoy the challenge? What if she denies she's interested, but clearly is. Would you trust her? WOuld it make you paranoid? Would it help cement the basis of a happy family and make your children proud of their parents?

An older, married person is easily flattered by the attentions of some younger guy/girl but it is not likely to end up as anything serious - by cheating on her husband she would be demonstrating she is tired of commitment, and if you just want her for sex then you are seriously treading the line of 'bad person'. Breaking up someone's marriage and earning the hatred of their kids is not exactly a romantic's dream and my advice would be to leave well alone.

tl;dr - It's natural to have sexy thoughts about older/younger/married/unavailable women/men. Getting our freaks on is a normal human wish, and forbidden fruit is always the sweeter! However, actually acting upon it would be a very arsehole thing to do and you would be rightly resented for it by the family you'd be breaking apart.

Author's note: I speak from experience. Not myself, but a university friend who's dad cheated on mum during our time there. Let us just say that his opinion of dad was not exactly positive and the new relationship did not end a match made in heaven!

 

[Floppertje]

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

3 years isn't that bad at that age, it's nothing when you get older.
Just go up to her and ask if she's a government agent on a mission to spy on you or something. whatever. talk to her. if you can make her laugh, you're golden. just don't overdo it or she'll just think you're a comedian. laughing is good, but nobody wants to have sex with a clown, if you get what i'm saying.

My turn : i'm extremely attracted to my ex-assistant manager ( i quit ) . I have a feeling she has a thing for me to . She is about 20 years my senior . The problem is . A) She's married B) she has children my age . I want to invite her for lunch or dinner . I have her number , and i know she talks about me since i left . I just don't know how to approach this ? Should i ask her in person? Should i call her? Should i do it while she's at work? At home ? Do i just say it's a friendly lunch? Do i tell her i want to go on a date with her? Do i drop the idea completly?How do i ask her out?

don't do it! first of all, she's 20 years older than you are, second she's married! don't fuck around in other people's domestic affairs. my dad recently ran off with someone who is younger than my sister, i've seen firsthand what it can do to people. don't do that just because you have the hots for her. if her marriage sucks, that's her problem to solve. don't go complicating it

 

[Zigot66]

I think this might be a bit off topic, but I'll let you guys decide. I am a rather shy guy, and over the last year I've found a few ways to approach girls, my issue though is with the question of just how ethical some of these methods are.

To give you an example, until recently I had to take a train from my school home on weekends. I would see the same girl on the same train most weeks. She had a bag with her school name on it, she always had a book with her, and she always had a bottle of a particular brand of pop. We had seen each other several times, and I usually try to smile to people I recognize, because sometimes they recognize me. My past failures at talking to girls made me try a different approach. I learned a few things about her school, and picked up a copy of the book that she had been reading. When I saw her on the train next, I acted as though I was just noticing that we were reading the same book and struck up a conversation about it. It went pretty well, and the next time I she came and sat with me, just chatting about the book, and them I moved the conversation to her school, and things went even better. A few weeks later I returned home permanently but we had built up a pretty strong connection. The whole time though, I felt really bad about the situation. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being manipulative, that my planning was giving me an unfair advantage and that I was effectively lying to her.

I have since read up on things like "pickup artists" and their methods, I find them completely reprehensible but I'm not always entirely sure that the things I've come up with aren't at least similar.

The real issue I have is how well my way works sometimes. I'm not a terrible looking guy, and I've had a girlfriend before (she was interested in me already) so I'd like to believe that it's just that I'm actually charming but it still gnaws at me sometimes whether it's really ethical.

 

[Sacman]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

OT: go for it ? What's the worst that could happen? She shut's you down and never talks to you again ?

You mean other than the crippling self doubt she can instill in you, forever smearing your self image, and helping to push you farther back into social introversion and isolation... yeah not a whole lot, though she might just freak out and pull a knife on you, or maybe she was actually a terrorist and is only on the train to scope it out as her next target, or she'll go along with it, to use you to her own ends, whatever they may be, possibly involving the resurrection of satan... or I dunno.. there's plenty of other ways things like this play out in my head, each more ridiculous than the last...<.<

OT: I dunno... I don't really talk to people, at all... if that wasn't obvious already...<.<

But I know what I'd do in this situation... slump over in a corner and play my gameboy, while looking as hostile and uninviting as possible... preferably with my hair covering my eyes so I don;t have to make eye contact with anyone, but that's just me...<.<

 

[Lilani]

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Then it's her loss.

I cannot stress how bad this advice is. Do not harass women who've said no. If she says no and then regrets it, tough luck. She'll learn to be less abrupt the next time a guy asks her out.

This is absolutely unbelievable. The sheer cognitive dissonance is staggering. In the "are you uncomfortable around gay people" thread, so many people said "I get uncomfortable when they hit on me and can't take a no for an answer" and golly gee, don't you think this might happen to women too? How would you feel if a gay guy hit on you repeatedly because some bicurious guys say "no" out of sheer reflex, which leaves them wishing they got propositioned again? And if that doesn't excuse repeatedly ignoring a "no" when given, then it also doesn't excuse it when the genders are changed.

Get your shit together, people.

YES! Dear God, thank you. That was terrible advice. If you are lucky enough to get a straight "no" from a girl, then just leave it be. A lot of us are programmed to give ambiguous answers that are supposed to let you down easier, which can lead to some understandable confusion, and in that case it's not totally imprudent to continue to pursue (just tred lightly until you're sure). But if we do say no, we fucking mean it.

 

[Lilani]

My turn : i'm extremely attracted to my ex-assistant manager ( i quit ) . I have a feeling she has a thing for me to . She is about 20 years my senior . The problem is . A) She's married B) she has children my age . I want to invite her for lunch or dinner . I have her number , and i know she talks about me since i left . I just don't know how to approach this ? Should i ask her in person? Should i call her? Should i do it while she's at work? At home ? Do i just say it's a friendly lunch? Do i tell her i want to go on a date with her? Do i drop the idea completly?How do i ask her out?

I wouldn't touch this one with a 10 foot pole, if I were you. You do NOT want to be a homewrecker. Even if your dream comes true and she divorces her husband for you, she'll be at a severe disadvantage and not get nearly as much as she should have because the infidelity was her fault. I'm not going to say anything about the age difference because I don't feel that's the biggest thing to worry about, here. If she's unhappy in her current relationship, then it is her obligation to end it before pursuing more. There isn't anything you can do to make her situation better, the only thing you can do is make it more complicated. So don't trick yourself into thinking otherwise. Because if it doesn't work out, then she's divorced her husband and made her children's lives more complicated for nothing. There are too many single women out there for you to pine over one that would have to shatter half of her life in order to be with you.

 

[Westaway]

I can 't lie bro, "girl problems thread" is the worst thing I've heard all week, and the fact that you're making one shows what kind of problem you have: Stop caring what others think about you. Stop being so self concious. But God's sake, don't lie to yourself. Lying to yourself to make yourself happy will ultimately lead to insatisfaction and depression.

 

[Angie7F]

"Traincreep McMurderface".

Newly added to my vocab. LOL

I was once approached by a guy in the train once.
Actually he followed me from the station to a dark alley and then approached me from behind me and asked if "we could be friends because you are really my type."

I was flattered but totally creeped out.
Had it been in a bar, maybe it would have been less scary.

So, regardless of whether you are good looking or not, you should approach her in broad day light where there are a lot of other people so she doesnt feel like she is stalked/ you are a rapist murderer

 

[bartholen_v1legacy]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

AAAAAAGGGHHH YOU'RE USING YOUR PHONE IN A CINEMA???? DIE IN A FIRE AND GET EATEN BY ANTS GRRROAAARRGGHH RAEG!!!!
But I agree, that was pretty funny.

OT: Duuurr, I don't know what I would do if I were in that situation. Probably I'd start a casual conversation and depending on her response, either keep talking or just shut up and stop giving a crap. But the very worst you could do is letting this loop just continue. In my experience confessing to a crush can be painful, but it releases a hell of a lot of stress, lets your mind concentrate on other things and also burns most feelings one might have to cinders when you realize that the person wasn't the golden angel you thought she was.

 

[Brainwreck]

Give the fuck up and find an ugly girl.
There's lots of them and they are just as lonely as you are.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

On behalf of all movie goers:
Put your fucking phone away, phones in cinema are fucking annoying and I have not paid good money to watch a movie so people with phones around me can post status updates on their f*cking phones and completely destroy the atmosphere.
So put the f*cking phone away and stop being inconsiderate in cinemas.

You deserve punishment for that, so consider yourself internet-pinched.

sweet jesus, as much as no one likes someone on their phone during a movie, i swear it's a European thing, every time i see a European rage about this it sounds like they are going to lynch the person for such a simple thing. (once again, i'm not saying the person should be on their phone in the slightest, but for as many gun nutz as america has it seems like europe has an equal amount of movie going lynchers)

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Then it's her loss.

I cannot stress how bad this advice is. Do not harass women who've said no. If she says no and then regrets it, tough luck. She'll learn to be less abrupt the next time a guy asks her out.

This is absolutely unbelievable. The sheer cognitive dissonance is staggering. In the "are you uncomfortable around gay people" thread, so many people said "I get uncomfortable when they hit on me and can't take a no for an answer" and golly gee, don't you think this might happen to women too? How would you feel if a gay guy hit on you repeatedly because some bicurious guys say "no" out of sheer reflex, which leaves them wishing they got propositioned again? And if that doesn't excuse repeatedly ignoring a "no" when given, then it also doesn't excuse it when the genders are changed.

Get your shit together, people.

YES! Dear God, thank you. That was terrible advice. If you are lucky enough to get a straight "no" from a girl, then just leave it be. A lot of us are programmed to give ambiguous answers that are supposed to let you down easier, which can lead to some understandable confusion, and in that case it's not totally imprudent to continue to pursue (just tred lightly until you're sure). But if we do say no, we fucking mean it.

just going to quote and agree hardcore on this, i can't tell you how many times i'll be riding the shuttle bus and some horrible situation will happen where a guy will try hitting on a girl and she CLEARLY wants nothing to do with him, but he'll keep on going, it is the most awkward damn thing on the planet, i can only imagine for those women sometimes how it must feel.

(this next part is in general, not towards anyone specific)

while yes, you should be somewhat confident, and try connecting, if she is CLEARLY not interested (there are signs once you start talking, they are not hard at all to pick up on) then just stop and go about your day normally, you generally only date one person at a time, so it's not like that one was THE one; you are going to mistakenly hit on alot of people before you find the one most compatible for you, prepare yourself for alot of no's/not the right ones.

to the OP, i would just use my peripheral vision and see if she ever looks over at all, or gives any hints on if she wants to be hit on. (does she listen to her mp3 player and look out the window constantly? probably doesn't want to be hit on and just wants to go about her business, also check for any sort of smiling or anything, that can be an easy conversation starter "you seem to be really happy, having a nice day?")

 

[Loonyyy]

Talk to her.

/Thread.

Seriously, that's half the problem with being shy. You say to yourself "I'll do it tommorow", "I'll do it eventually", "What it she doesn't like me?". And you never talk to her, you just analyse it, whilst trying to psych yourself up.

Fuck that.

When you see her next, within the first three seconds, walk up to her and start a conversation. Do this with anyone you're interested in. Guy's wearing a cool jacket? Where'd he get it? Cashier looks like they're having a long day? Ask them about it. Chat to everyone about anything obvious. Eventually, you learn to strike up conversations.

Plus, I'd steal Devil's one about Robbing the Train. That one is a keeper.

Talk to people. I know you don't want to, I know it's scary, and I often feel the same way too. But you have to do it, or they'll always be scary, and you'll always be lonely, so just talk to people.

You can't be worse than my first attempt.
*See girl reading comic. "Whatcha reading?" "Spawn" "Cool" *Dead silence for half the class, until I think of a funny joke about something the lecturer said.*

Plus, take Phasmal's advice. If you try chatting up someone who's not interested in talking, you'll do what I did, and you're just sabotaging yourself. Don't do what Copper said and ask her out repeatedly. Again, been there, done that, bad idea. Unless they're being playful, you're being an ass, and ruining any chance of being friends with a cool chick to talk to on train rides.

And the difference between creepy and charming is all manner. Funny, open people, who are confident without being aggressive, can be charming. Even if it's a shy "So, do you think they'd notice if we stole the train" or whatever (I'm terrible at conversation topics. That's why I have alcohol [for me to drink people, before you start thinking that I'm a creeper. Girls buy me drinks. Not the other way around]), it's better than getting in her face, or just watching her.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

On behalf of all movie goers:
Put your fucking phone away, phones in cinema are fucking annoying and I have not paid good money to watch a movie so people with phones around me can post status updates on their f*cking phones and completely destroy the atmosphere.
So put the f*cking phone away and stop being inconsiderate in cinemas.

You deserve punishment for that, so consider yourself internet-pinched.

sweet jesus, as much as no one likes someone on their phone during a movie, i swear it's a European thing, every time i see a European rage about this it sounds like they are going to lynch the person for such a simple thing. (once again, i'm not saying the person should be on their phone in the slightest, but for as many gun nutz as america has it seems like europe has an equal amount of movie going lynchers)

1. It really is terribly annoying to be in a cinema with someone who insists on using their phone during the film. I paid money to enjoy myself and you are doing your part in diminishing the joy I get from watching the film.

2. Did you really just compare people being very enthusiastic about extremely dangerous lethal weapons to people being annoyed by others misbehaving in cinema?
Seems a bit far fetched to me...


On topic:

Talk to her.

/Thread.

Seriously, that's half the problem with being shy. You say to yourself "I'll do it tommorow", "I'll do it eventually", "What it she doesn't like me?". And you never talk to her, you just analyse it, whilst trying to psych yourself up.

Fuck that.

When you see her next, within the first three seconds, walk up to her and start a conversation. Do this with anyone you're interested in. Guy's wearing a cool jacket? Where'd he get it? Cashier looks like they're having a long day? Ask them about it. Chat to everyone about anything obvious. Eventually, you learn to strike up conversations.

Plus, I'd steal Devil's one about Robbing the Train. That one is a keeper.

Talk to people. I know you don't want to, I know it's scary, and I often feel the same way too. But you have to do it, or they'll always be scary, and you'll always be lonely, so just talk to people.

You can't be worse than my first attempt.
*See girl reading comic. "Whatcha reading?" "Spawn" "Cool" *Dead silence for half the class, until I think of a funny joke about something the lecturer said.*

Plus, take Phasmal's advice. If you try chatting up someone who's not interested in talking, you'll do what I did, and you're just sabotaging yourself. Don't do what Copper said and ask her out repeatedly. Again, been there, done that, bad idea. Unless they're being playful, you're being an ass, and ruining any chance of being friends with a cool chick to talk to on train rides.

And the difference between creepy and charming is all manner. Funny, open people, who are confident without being aggressive, can be charming. Even if it's a shy "So, do you think they'd notice if we stole the train" or whatever (I'm terrible at conversation topics. That's why I have alcohol [for me to drink people, before you start thinking that I'm a creeper. Girls buy me drinks. Not the other way around]), it's better than getting in her face, or just watching her.

Pretty much this.

 

[Loonyyy]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

OT: go for it ? What's the worst that could happen? She shut's you down and never talks to you again ?

You mean other than the crippling self doubt she can instill in you, forever smearing your self image,

You get over that.

And, if you're afraid of that so you never chat anyone up, you already have the crippling self-doubt, and no self-esteem. The only way to fix this is to do it. And sure, it's a *****, and it's awkward, and it's hard. But you have to do it, or you'll have that self doubt that you already had. If you get turned down, and that makes you never chat someone up again, is that any worse than never chatting someone up because you're afraid of that? Because from here, they look kind of the same.

I know it sounds like bull, but I've had this. I still do a lot of the time. But the only way to get past it is to try. You can never succeed at something you don't try, at least that way you're in with a shot.

yeah not a whole lot, though she might just freak out and pull a knife on you, or maybe she was actually a terrorist and is only on the train to scope it out as her next target, or she'll go along with it, to use you to her own ends, whatever they may be, possibly involving the resurrection of satan... or I dunno.. there's plenty of other ways things like this play out in my head, each more ridiculous than the last...<.<

Hey, if she sacrifices you to Satan, if Dan Brown has led me right, she'll fuck you first. Or maybe her grandparents will. The book was unclear on that point.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Why? Why would you want to do that? Feeling uncomfortable approaching someone you don't know and probably have nothing in common with doesn't make you shy- just reasonable. You have no reason to like her except you think she's physically attractive and you frequently find yourselves in the same location. The second point will just make things incredibly awkward if approaching her doesn't work out.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

On behalf of all movie goers:
Put your fucking phone away, phones in cinema are fucking annoying and I have not paid good money to watch a movie so people with phones around me can post status updates on their f*cking phones and completely destroy the atmosphere.
So put the f*cking phone away and stop being inconsiderate in cinemas.

You deserve punishment for that, so consider yourself internet-pinched.

sweet jesus, as much as no one likes someone on their phone during a movie, i swear it's a European thing, every time i see a European rage about this it sounds like they are going to lynch the person for such a simple thing. (once again, i'm not saying the person should be on their phone in the slightest, but for as many gun nutz as america has it seems like europe has an equal amount of movie going lynchers)

1. It really is terribly annoying to be in a cinema with someone who insists on using their phone during the film. I paid money to enjoy myself and you are doing your part in diminishing the joy I get from watching the film.

2. Did you really just compare people being very enthusiastic about extremely dangerous lethal weapons to people being annoyed by others misbehaving in cinema?
Seems a bit far fetched to me...

eh that was meant more as a light joke, seeing as how you said "they deserve to get pinched", i was making a joke to the extremism of all of Americans and their guns, but i guess the extremist correlation didn't roll over well.

(and when you say pinched, i'm assuming you mean the slang version of getting arrested.)

my mistake.

 

[Loonyyy]

Wait, I just thought of a better joke than the one I had:

"I've seen you on this train a few times. How long have you been casing the joint?"

Ok, it's terrible, but it's 3 AM and I've only gotten two beers into me.

 

[Bestival]

My shyness is a right bastard, can't talk to females much, and ones I'm attracted to not at all, so I consider myself very shy indeed in that regard.

BUT, messing with guys/friends/strangers on the internet I pretty much do a 180 and have no shame. Recent example of this is the goat edition songs, which caused me to scream like a fucktard at work whenever it fits to one of the songs on the radio.
I'm also pretty open about stuff like porn to whoever will listen. Or brag about really dumb shit I've done in the past, like trying to juggle crates at work despite not knowing how to juggle at all, not even with stuff that's meant to be juggled. So I promptly bashed my own face in on the first attempt, breaking teeth and causing a lot of blood to depart from their designated area.
And then I told fucking EVERYONE. Hell, I just told all of you.

I would really love it if even a fraction of this would come to me when I'm trying to chat with a lovely female, but it always fails me. And when I do manage to utter and stutter something it's always some generic shit that's worse than silence. "Some weather huh?". Weak shit that is, very weak.

Oh well, I'll get there one day.


Sorry OP, no advice here. I did have an experience similar to yours, when I was still going to school.
This cute blond gothy girl would be on the same train as me sometimes. I never even occurred to me to talk to her, but one day we were sitting across from eachother and I was listening to Stephen Lynch's Superhero on my ipod. I couldn't stop grinning through it, and when I glance her way I noticed she was smiling back at me.
If I could do any part of my life over, it'd probably be that one, and I would somehow find the balls to talk to her.

Yes, I'd pick that over bashing in my own face with a crate. Hell, I'd bash my face in 3 times over for a chance like that. It didn't even hurt all that bad, except for you know, eating... And breathing.


Best of luck to you OP, I hope it works out in a way that is satisfactory to you.



PS. To those that go; "Just talk to her, what's the worse that could happen?", the answer is 'losing hope'.
As long as we don't talk to her, there's always that chance, that slight possibility that, however improbable, if we did approach, she might say yes. Somehow we trick our selfs into thinking that that tiniest sliver of hope is better than getting shot down and moving on.
It is extremely stupid, I know.