Critical Miss: The Board

[Canadamus Prime]

I've never actually read any of the ESRB's write ups, but I for one am glad for the ESRB because with them around whenever someone whines about games corrupting our children we can just point to the ESRB and say "Shut UP!" ...or rather we could.

 

[Calcium]

I sometimes write it as f*** and stuff... and I want one of those straws...

Chances are my mental age is rather childish. I'm actually sitting cross-legged on a lecture chair as I type this.

 

[coldfrog]

"Help! I'm stuck in a dick-joke factory!", the lost Zappa album. How the Bulletstorm devs got a hold of it is beyond me.

 

[Kross]

Hilarious, the art's looking very stylish as well!

P.S. Unicorn cup with a twisty straw!

 

[88chaz88]

This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of a space pirate who must escape a planet populated by mutant cannibals. Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls. Specialty kills (i.e., Skillshots) represent the most intense instances of violence: enemies can be dismembered with explosives; impaled on spikes; and drilled into walls, resulting in body parts breaking into pieces. During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., 'Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp.'). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as 'f**k,' 'sh*t,' 'p*ssy,' and 'c*ck' can be heard in dialogue.

Is anyone arguing that Bulletstorm doesn't have all this? "Childish" language aside, I think it's a fair measurement of the mature content of the game.

 

[DaHero]

This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of a space pirate who must escape a planet populated by mutant cannibals. Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls. Specialty kills (i.e., Skillshots) represent the most intense instances of violence: enemies can be dismembered with explosives; impaled on spikes; and drilled into walls, resulting in body parts breaking into pieces. During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., 'Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp.'). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as 'f**k,' 'sh*t,' 'p*ssy,' and 'c*ck' can be heard in dialogue.

Is anyone arguing that Bulletstorm doesn't have all this? "Childish" language aside, I think it's a fair measurement of the mature content of the game.

I gotta admit, I kinda missed this one myself. I could have sworn the ESRB write-ups were mainly geared towards those mothers who know nothing about game ratings. Hence the reason they seem so childish to us.

 

[gigastar]

This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of a space pirate who must escape a planet populated by mutant cannibals. Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls. Specialty kills (i.e., Skillshots) represent the most intense instances of violence: enemies can be dismembered with explosives; impaled on spikes; and drilled into walls, resulting in body parts breaking into pieces. During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., 'Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp.'). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as 'f**k,' 'sh*t,' 'p*ssy,' and 'c*ck' can be heard in dialogue.

Is anyone arguing that Bulletstorm doesn't have all this? "Childish" language aside, I think it's a fair measurement of the mature content of the game.

Wherever that quote came from they forgot dicktits.

OT: Read that then thought of the health and safety idiots who wont let us have public custard pie fights anymore...

 

[Irony's Acolyte]

Oooooooooo, you talked about pee-pees...

Very nice, I didn't realize the ERSB was so childish at times. It would be better if they figured out the context of such "mature" content. Bulletstorm does seem to use "mature" content like a teenager though.

 

[Celtic_Kerr]

Yay for the end of the not-funny Steam arc. I'll miss it, but let's get back to the jokes.

Dick joke factory...10 pts.

*Head shot someone while they are yelling* - GAG REFLEX 500 points
Actually that's a decent idea...

OT: I actually enjoyed the comic... I now miss silly straws...

 

[therandombear]

I guess one of the things you need to have done to get a job with ESRB is to ride the, as it's been called, Shortbus?

The ESRB "boss" reminds me of Butters :3

 

[Funkyfists]

Loved it. Best in a little while imo

Should do a comic on the upcoming gargantuan, devastating, epic, universe bending battle between the titans MW3 and Battlefield 3 that will wipe any smaller titles being released around the same time out of existence XD

 

[RobCoxxy]

Fantastic comic. Well done.

 

[Queen Michael]

I don't know if I can cope with all the severe language in this comic. I think it needs to be censored more. My poor, sensitive ears just couldn't take it.

Preach, brother.
On a different note, it's nice to see the jokes returning.

 

[Dectilon]

That's alright, all game's journalists are teenagers, or wish they were.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

I think that boo boo is bear sized....Yogi Bear sized.

 

[Gunner 51]

Wa-hey, it's nice to see Critical Miss going back to it's roots again. Though I feel Erin's anger about how the ESRB's ratings system are a little archiac.

 

[Mickus]

I just stopped and stared at Mol's amazing chopping skills in the first panels (she's not even LOOKING at it!) and just ignored the rest. ^_^

 

[Staskala]

Considering the subject matter, how exactly can you write a "mature" analysis of a game like Bulletstorm?

 

[winter2]

My eyes bleed from the harsh language contained in this comic. Please fix or do somefink!

 

[jboking]

Spoiler: Bulletstorm

This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of a space pirate who must escape a planet populated by mutant cannibals. Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls. Specialty kills (i.e., Skillshots) represent the most intense instances of violence: enemies can be dismembered with explosives; impaled on spikes; and drilled into walls, resulting in body parts breaking into pieces. During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., 'Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp.'). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as 'f**k,' 'sh*t,' 'p*ssy,' and 'c*ck' can be heard in dialogue.

Is anyone arguing that Bulletstorm doesn't have all this? "Childish" language aside, I think it's a fair measurement of the mature content of the game.

I've always found the ESRB summaries to range from fair to fucking hilarious. I find nothing wrong with this. If I was a parent, I would read the ESRB summaries for the games my child wants and it may expose that I don't want my child playing that...it may also expose that the same game is so awesome that I myself want to play it. Here is an example

Spoiler: Duke Nukem Forever

This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of Duke Nukem, an action hero who must save Earth from invading aliens. Players use pistols, rail guns, shotguns, explosives, and Duke's bare hands (for some reason that makes me laugh when I read it - jboking) to attack and kill the alien enemies. The majority of gameplay involves destroying these enemies in frenetic gun and laser battles in order to move on to the next section. Aliens are often decapitated or dismembered when hit, sending large splashes of blood across the ground, surrounding walls, and players' screen. Some sequences depict more 'over-the-top' instances of violence: aliens getting stabbed in the head or impaled; a human soldier bursting into bloody gibs after being tossed through propeller blades. In one sequence, players have the ability to shoot human characters that are trapped in pod-like alien webbing; bodies explode into pieces upon impact. During the course of the game, players enter a strip-club level and view several topless dancers and receive lap dances. A couple of missions within this level require players to recover sex toys and pictures of topless women. A few sequences strongly imply sexual acts: two women appear to perform fellatio on the central character (e.g., raising their heads from his lap)?though there is no actual depiction of the sex act; Duke moans and leans up against the wall of a bathroom stall (furnished with a hole)?it is implied that a sex act (not depicted) occurs. The game also contains several sexual references and innuendo in the dialogue (e.g., 'I have hungry?you have big egg ro' for me, Duke,' 'If you supply the dancing, I'll supply the pole,' and 'I'll need something naughty to play with.'). Duke's comments range from jokes about colon cleansing to several one-liners about sex and female body parts. Bathroom humor includes the ability to urinate in toilets or urinals and/or pick up feces from toilets and throw it against walls. Players can use both steroid pills and beer as power-ups; when beer is consumed, the screen temporarily blurs. The words 'f**k,' 'sh*t,' 'c*ck,' and 'a*shole' appear in dialogue and on-screen text.