Once Upon a Time: Season 5 (3/5)
This very nearly got a 2, which would make it the worst ranked season I've seen in the series. Still, while it does crawl its way into the territory of "adequate," this is easily the worst season in the series.
Like the two seasons before it, season 5 is split into two halves. Credit where credit is due, the seasons are arguably better integrated into each other than previous examples, where there was more of a disconnect, but even so, there's some differences between them. Ergo, I'm going to review each half separately.
So, the first half is the weaker half, and utterly wretched. Which is strange, because it's arguably the most ambitious season (or rather half-season) I've seen but it just doesn't work on almost any level. I mean, Camelot and King Arthur? The origin of the Dark Ones? The Dark Swan/Emma thing? Merida from Brave? Well, shit. On paper that sounds pretty neat. I mean, not that I particuarly care about Brave, but despite misgivings they intergrated Frozen into the setting seemlessly, so why not this? Well, Little Jimmy, since I've dragged you in here to be a stand-in to make me look smart, let me explain why none of this works.
First of all, the Dark Swan thing. It doesn't work. At all. Or at least, it doesn't work in the 'present' of the first half. It's fine in the flashbacks (the show's so stuck into its flashback format, it has to do them a few weeks prior to the 'present'), as she struggles with "the darkness," but here, it's like...y'know edgy characters? Characters that are designed to appeal to the "hardcore" audience who want their media to be "dark and gritty?" That's the Dark Swan storyline. It doesn't make the character come off as menacing, it makes them come off as a fan doing a cosplay for an alternate universe. It also reveals a flaw in the show that this started out in a setting where magic wasn't out in the open. But here, Emma's just walking around, Gold's walking around, and people just get on with things. Imagine if Sauron spent his time walking through Minas Tirth and the people were just "well, that sucks, but I've got bread to make, the whole Dark Lord thing can wait."
Second of all, there's the whole Dark One origin/lore/"clash of dark and light"/Excalibur/dagger 'thing' going on. Now, again, on paper, this seems like a nice idea. Delving into lore and all that. Except it comes off as, well, stupid. OUaT is more "low" than "high" fantasy, and it certainly matches the criteria of "urban fantasy." So when you're going into lore in fantasy realms, when people are dressed in black hoods and black robes saying and doing nasty things...something's off. It's off, because the bulk of the show has always taken place in the 'real world,' such as it is. On one hand, you have antagonists going on about "destroying the light," but when these are people who are in Maine coastal towns, or out somewhere wearing costumes, it just doesn't work. Again, I'm fine with high fantasy. I'm a LotR fanboy FFS, and that's a morally binary world. But LotR commited to its setting. OUaT has never really been about its setting, it's been about its characters. The reason why season 1 works well is that you have to piece together a lot of things. Things that are explained, sure, but it was the mystery that drove things forward. Here, it isn't mystery, it's answering mystery that I never really cared about in the first place. So by this point in the series, despite the supposed stakes, I just don't care.
Third problem is Merida. Or, rather, not Merida herself, but what she represents. Because up to this point, each season has more or less had two concurrent plots. Present, and past, with the past informing the present via its flashback format. However, Merida splits the first half of season 5 three ways in that she's doing her own thing on the side, in getting back her kingdom. That's in addition to Arthur and his Camelot thing and...okay, I never really got Arthur's motives in this to be honest. But with Merida, we pretty much go in full on high fantasy, or at least we do if we equate "high fantasy" with "Scots in all but name, trying to do "war is hell" while looking like cosplay." Y'know, it's not a good sign when your big significant battle against the "southern invaders" (Brittons? Anglo-Saxons? I mean, we get clan names like Dun Broch, but they're still fantasy Scots, and the "southern invaders" are the only name THEY get, bastards) looks like a LARP event. So, no. I don't particuarly care for the first half of season 5. But hey, maybe the next half is better, right?
Well, the next half is better, but when your first half is wading through dogshit, you can either suspend yourself above the dogshit, or go below it to the Underworld. This, by itself, is cool...for a few episodes. Because the Underworld is basically Storybrooke with a red filter on that looks like everyone's under a dust storm or a red sun. Now, the out of unvierse explanation is that they wanted to keep the set, the in-universe explanation is a bit vaguer, but okay, sure. We get Hades, who's more Lucifer rather than the Greek god of the Underworld, but sure, whatever. I'll roll with it. He's certainly a better take on it than the Percy Jackson movie. However, here, we run into the same problem as up above, in that there's all this talk of a struggle going on between the protagonists and antagonists, but they're spending most of their time just walking around town. Or Hell. or whatever. The result is that the second half of the season doesn't have the problems the first half does, but it drags. Really drags. What partly saves it is that the half does have some stand-out moments as the living characters are reunited with deceased ones. Now, some of these moments are very good, such as Emma seeing Neil, or Regina making peace with her parents one after the other. Others however, aren't. For instance David meeting his twin brother whom he never met, who hates David. Not because his mother gave him up, but because "you stole my glory." Y'know, when your big twist for motivation is less interesting than the suggested motivation, something has gone terribly wrong in the writing room. And to top it off, Arthur comes back. He comes back in an episode, gets killed by Hades (who's now in the living world), recognises that his true destiny of ruling a broken kingdom was to rule the underworld and help souls move on. Which, isn't a bad idea per se, but when a character's been absent for over half a season, and then has his plot arc suddenly resolved in the space of 45 minutes...yeah. Also, speaking of killing, if Hades can't kill the living, but the dead can apparently kill the living, why can't he just get his lackies to do it?
Also Gold/Rumple is still going back and forth between being evil, Belle's going back and forth on being with him, and she's pregnant. So, not only is one of the show's worst relationships ongoing, but now I've got to deal with the mental image of those two boning. Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again, but no-one seems to care about murder here. FFS, it's established that Zeleena murders Marian, impersonates her, gets boned by Robin, gives birth, and is STILL allowed to keep her baby because it might make her a better person. This, after Regina killed Marian in the original timeline. So, not only does Robin Hood love a woman who killed his wife in a negated timeline (AND HE KNOWS THIS), but he isn't murdering Zeleena who murdered her in the now current timeline, and had sex with him under false pretences. Um, is this rape? cause it's kind of like rape. It just...I can't. I just can't. I can't overlook that it seems that everyone in this show seems to get forgiven for just about everything. There has to be a point where a character passes a moral event horizon, and in my mind, so many of the characters have. Like, multiple seasons ago. Like, pre-show ago.
Oh, and stuff at the end, with the Land of Untold Stories, and Henry's still annoying, and the Evil Queen being separated from Regina (that she's been lurking there all along is a plot point that's raised one episode before the separation occurs), and God, I just don't care anymore. I just don't. I'm sick of characters being forgiven for everything with no consequences for their actions. I'm sick of "happy endings" being played with zero self-awareness, I'm sick of toxic relationships being portrayed as something to be admired (or at least accepted), and I'm just...so...tired. I'm tired, because at the start, while the show was never "great," it was based on an intreresting idea (what if fairy tales were real, and originated from another world), and since then, it's gone so far off the beaten track it's a parody. I'm tired because of everything I've listed. And I'm tired that despite all of this, I'll be starting season 6 soon. Because with only two seasons left, I may as well finish what I started.
Oh, and Red comes back, falls in love with Dorothy, and wakes Dorothy up with true love's kiss in the space of a single episode. Because we've got to get those LGBT representation brownie points in somehow, despite the fact that YOU HAD THREE SEASONS TO DO IT WITH MULAN!
Seriously Little Jimmy, you want to tell me that everything was planned?