Have you ever thought about suicide?

[Relish in Chaos]

Yeah, I think about killing myself all the time, due to my depression, OCD, generalized anxiety, and a number of other problems in my life and the way that I perceive it and myself. But I know that I?d never actually do it. I?m too scared of what it?ll feel like (I?m too much of a pussy to even self-harm), what lies afterwards, what would happen if I fucked it up, and what or how much of a burden I?d put on my family, even if I don?t like them all that much. And also?I guess my life isn?t that bad. But luckily, I?m on a waiting list for CBT and currently on anti-depressants, although they haven?t quite kicked in yet.

Although, you know?I guess I don?t actually want to die. Maybe it would be better if I?d never been born in the first place, and I still partly resent my parents (but mostly my mother, because she?s the stricter of my two parents, and could?ve just aborted me) for giving birth to me. But I just wish things were better, I was a better person, and I didn?t feel like a stressed pile of shit all the time.

I suppose my one saving grace is that I?m a little curious to see how things turn out in the future, and I at least have ambitions to become a writer. But right now?I just hope I get fixed. Like, everything, or at least most things. My thought process, my abilities, my stress?stuff like that. So I can just come close to enjoying life. Being able to manage myself, my body, my?bowels. Make some more friends.

Just for the record, I?m 17. My thoughts are probably partly to do with normal teenage hormonal angst, but partly just to do with personal problems that don?t make me a normal teenager. But?honest question?is life as an adult really any better than life as a teenager? ?Your teenage years are the best years of your life?? Fuck whoever said that. And if I?m so weak at the age of 17, when I?ve ?barely even lived life??how am I going to cope in a year?s time, when I?m 18, a legal adult? 21? 30?

Heh?that?s one of the things that both my sister and my therapist say. ?You think too much about the future and the what-ifs, and make too many assumptions about yourself. You need to stop looking at the world so negatively.? But anyway?I?ll stop rambling now and just say that, yeah, I?ve thought about suicide multiple times, but I?d probably never act on those thoughts.

Weak? Maybe. An inconsiderate asshole even in death? Nope. If I'm feeling miserable enough to end my shitty life I sure as hell don't want to pass that feeling on.

Not to say I haven't though of some "fun" way to go out with a bang (in two ways, as you'll read in a moment).
There's this story in my head:
The protagonist is a failure of a human being with a dead end job and has a thing for little girls. So what does he do? Why of course he finds himself some fresh 12 yo to rape and right after he's done with that he pulls out his handgun and blast his brains out. I'm sure that girl would have a bright future ahead of her.

Might eventually put it on paper.

...I almost wish I'd thought of that myself.

 

[Aetera]

I got to the planning/test run stage before my friend noticed something was wrong and alerted the dean of my college who put me on medical leave. I was going to slit my wrists, had everything planned out, and had been practicing with my blade on my legs to make sure that it was sharp enough/I could cut deep enough. It was, and I could. So yeah. I was going to lock myself in the basement single bathroom while I did it to keep help from saving me in time. Leave a note on my laptop. I had it written out.

I'm severely bipolar, I was failing all of my classes because of it(a Down hit and I couldn't even stand to leave my room or eat), and I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't fight anymore. I went home and was sent to the psych ward of my local hospital.

I still think about it sometimes, but I keep it to myself. I probably shouldn't since, hell, another stint in the psych ward would pad out my "resume" for applying for SSI. Ha.

 

[Genocidicles]

I've never considered actually killing myself, but I have thought hypothetically about how I would do it, if I ever felt the need to do so.

 

[IamQ]

I think about it at times, but never for long, or in any seriousness. Doesn't everybody though?

 

[Xan Krieger]

In high school I thought about it constantly due to bullying. Closest I came to doing it was at a friend's house when I found a loaded .22 pistol and held it to my head (logic being the bullet would bounce around in my head ensuring death). The thoughts of my parents crying and of hell convinced me to not do it.

 

[THE_NAMSU]

Thought of it many times, but mostly in the past 4 months or something because of all the bloody work I have to do to get a place to study medicine in university, which adds to the depression you already get from seeing how stupid people are (in my school and home anyway) and news. Though I never ever have considered to actually do it, there's too much to lose (I don't want to put my family through that).

I thought about it due to overstress, then I realized how dificult it would be to clean up.

I don't know why but I read that as some artsy, deeply-meaningful "quote" there, as if it was said by a comedic writer or something.
Was that meant to be really artistic as how I read it as?

 

[Shoggoth2588]

Who hasn't. Especially during puberty. It's like it's written into our teenage DNA: "At least at one point during your adolescence you will go all Emo".

That sounds about right actually...kinda like that stage in your adolescence where you have to hump everything and that other stage where you absolutely denounce EVERYTHING from your childhood.

To answer OP, of course I've thought about suicide and still do from time to time. I'd never act on the thought unless you could the most passive-aggressive means of suicide. If I'm kicked out of my house I'd probably just give up and wander around until I'm murdered Condemned style (ie: by a 2X4 wielding hobo). I wouldn't take my own life but I've definitely thought about it and what (if anything) awaits beyond this life.

 

[VoidWanderer]

Thought of it many times, but mostly in the past 4 months or something because of all the bloody work I have to do to get a place to study medicine in university, which adds to the depression you already get from seeing how stupid people are (in my school and home anyway) and news. Though I never ever have considered to actually do it, there's too much to lose (I don't want to put my family through that).

I thought about it due to overstress, then I realized how dificult it would be to clean up.

I don't know why but I read that as some artsy, deeply-meaningful "quote" there, as if it was said by a comedic writer or something.
Was that meant to be really artistic as how I read it as?

Actually no... It wasn't meant to be artistic. It was just the reason I put the serrated knife down and walked away.

 

[Strazdas]

Yes, i have tried to find a quickest way. i think the one way one can be certain and quick is a shotgun to the head. your gone in miliseconds.
u grew out of thinking about suicide, its not worth it.

 

[darklilac]

Every single day since I was in middle school. Tried a few times, but I'm too scared to. The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm weak.

 

[Dandark]

I have thought about it although I usaully have never seriously considered it, most of it was when im thinking about death and what happens afterwards then I look at my window and wonder what would happen if I just jumped out, would I be reborn? Go to an afterlife? Eternal blackness?

I was never bullied much due to my size and expression so I never really got into considering it much but I did think about it a lot.

 

[BakaSmurf]

I've attempted it. Thrice. My life has kind of sucked and got damn near impossible to deal with at times. So yes. I won't get into details here though, kind of a sensitive and extremely personal subject.

Every single day since I was in middle school. Tried a few times, but I'm too scared to. The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm weak.

Think you have a low opinion of yourself now? You haven't the faintest clue of just how low you can feel when you've realised you were too cowardly to just push through the suck and hurt knowing that one day things will get better if only you put the effort towards it yourself.

The weak people are the ones that give in and end it all, it takes strength to stay your hand and keep pushing. Don't ever try and convince yourself otherwise.