Hey, got any good jokes? Let's share them! ("Corny to the point of being funny" jokes welcome too!)
- Thread starter Kolby Jack
- Start date
A business man took a vacation down to sunny Florida for the winter one year.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher?s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher?s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Alternatively: Life is like a box of chocolates. Half way through, you realize you're fat and nobody loves you.Lenin211 said:
Anyway
One day, a horse buys a guitar. He then proceeds to become the greatest guitarist who ever lived. This takes him around three years. Now the best, he decides to show off his skill to his friend the pig. The pig is amazed, and states he has recently purchased a drum set. Three years later, he is the best drummer in the world, and he and the horse start playing together. That's 3 years for the pig, and 6 for the horse. One day, they're playing, and decide their instrumentals are missing something. They find a duck with a bass guitar, and tell him that when he's the best Bassist in the world, he can join their band. This takes the duck three years. That's 3 for the duck, 6 for the pig, and 9 for the horse. Then they decide they need a vocalist. Their search turns up a chicken who spends all morning singing. They extend their offer to him, and three years later, he is the greatest singer ever.
3 years for the chicken, 6 for the duck, 9 for the pig and 12 for the horse. Together, they form a band called The Party Animals. Over the next eight or so years, they sweep the world, performing gigs all over. From Paris to London, to New York. Their singles go gold, and then platinum, and they have hordes of fans. It's at this point they're invited to open for the Woodstock festival. They do so, and completely rock out. After their set, they're invited to this huge marquee for a party. The horse has been playing guitar for 20 or so years, and he's old. He tells his band mates to go have fun. He's getting an early night. He goes to sleep, and wakes at the crack of dawn the next morning. It's time to pack their stuff away and get going, so he finds the marquee to gather his friends. Crossing the threshold into the tent, he stops, dumb struck. His friends are all dead. The pig suffered alcohol poisoning, the duck OD'd on heroin, and the chicken was crushed to death in an orgy. Needless to say, the horse as blown away. In a stupor, he walks from the tent, all the way out of the festival, and just keeps walking, trying to clear his head. After some hours, he comes upon a small, out of the way pub. Fair enough, he decides he could use a drink. He goes in and asks for a pint of bitter. The barman turns to look and asks "why the long face?"
3 years for the chicken, 6 for the duck, 9 for the pig and 12 for the horse. Together, they form a band called The Party Animals. Over the next eight or so years, they sweep the world, performing gigs all over. From Paris to London, to New York. Their singles go gold, and then platinum, and they have hordes of fans. It's at this point they're invited to open for the Woodstock festival. They do so, and completely rock out. After their set, they're invited to this huge marquee for a party. The horse has been playing guitar for 20 or so years, and he's old. He tells his band mates to go have fun. He's getting an early night. He goes to sleep, and wakes at the crack of dawn the next morning. It's time to pack their stuff away and get going, so he finds the marquee to gather his friends. Crossing the threshold into the tent, he stops, dumb struck. His friends are all dead. The pig suffered alcohol poisoning, the duck OD'd on heroin, and the chicken was crushed to death in an orgy. Needless to say, the horse as blown away. In a stupor, he walks from the tent, all the way out of the festival, and just keeps walking, trying to clear his head. After some hours, he comes upon a small, out of the way pub. Fair enough, he decides he could use a drink. He goes in and asks for a pint of bitter. The barman turns to look and asks "why the long face?"
A man walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with the barman. After a while, the barman says "hey, here's a thought: I'll put all your drinks for the next week on the house if you can pass three tests."
This seems like an opportunity, so the man accepts. The first test is to down a yard of ale heavily spiked with whisky. He does this, and with the alcohol rushing to his head, is fairly drunk. The barman then reveals the second and third tests. The second is that he has a rottweiler out back with a huge temper. It has a moldy tooth that needs prying out. The third is that his grandmother, who lives upstairs, has not had an orgasm in ten years and he must provide her one.
The man decides to see to the rottweiler first. He takes the pliers and goes outside. Everyone listens, expecting him to be savaged. They hear a low growling, and then a yelp. A few minutes later, the man limps back into the bar, still tottering drunkenly, and covered in teeth marks and scratches, and asks loudly, "right, now where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"
This seems like an opportunity, so the man accepts. The first test is to down a yard of ale heavily spiked with whisky. He does this, and with the alcohol rushing to his head, is fairly drunk. The barman then reveals the second and third tests. The second is that he has a rottweiler out back with a huge temper. It has a moldy tooth that needs prying out. The third is that his grandmother, who lives upstairs, has not had an orgasm in ten years and he must provide her one.
The man decides to see to the rottweiler first. He takes the pliers and goes outside. Everyone listens, expecting him to be savaged. They hear a low growling, and then a yelp. A few minutes later, the man limps back into the bar, still tottering drunkenly, and covered in teeth marks and scratches, and asks loudly, "right, now where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"
Attempted Murder
They eat pennies.
She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging ***** all the time.
She was killed by a giant crab
When did hitler kill himself?
4 black people are driving a cadillac. The driver loses control and drives the car into a ravine. What is the sad part about this story?
Personal favorite: What are five dead black people in a barn?
What is the difference between a run over cat and a run over black person?
When he got the gas bill
4 black people are driving a cadillac. The driver loses control and drives the car into a ravine. What is the sad part about this story?
Five black people fit into the cadillac
Personal favorite: What are five dead black people in a barn?
outdated agricultural equipment
What is the difference between a run over cat and a run over black person?
The cat has skid marks over it
I see what you did thar.Vuliev said:
For anyone who knows about chemistry, What kind of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear.
Ba-Dum Tish!
Whats the difference between an angel and a Scotsman?
An Angel says 'hey you get off my cloud.'
A Scotsman says 'Hey, McLoud get off my ewe.'
And
What the difference between a onion and a hooker?
I don't cry when I chop up a hooker.
An Angel says 'hey you get off my cloud.'
A Scotsman says 'Hey, McLoud get off my ewe.'
And
What the difference between a onion and a hooker?
I don't cry when I chop up a hooker.
What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?
One is an Italian dish, the other is an upstanding member of society
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy in a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I would rather be raped by a dozen whore than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed the drink back and said, "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice!"
Laughed uncontrollably atLonely Packager said:
105 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back and 100 in the ashtray.
A few extras I remembered:
I'll be honest, particle accelerators totally give me a hadron.
What do you call a female sex change? (female - male)
An addadicktomy
What do you call a male sex change? (male - female)
A lopitoffomy
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
OVER 9,000!
or
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it's going to take about 6 episodes
I'll be honest, particle accelerators totally give me a hadron.
What do you call a female sex change? (female - male)
An addadicktomy
What do you call a male sex change? (male - female)
A lopitoffomy
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
OVER 9,000!
or
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it's going to take about 6 episodes
What does a condom & a camera have in common?
They both capture the moment!
Two men walk into a bar - You would have thought the second one would have seen it!
I booked a horse at 10-1! Came in at quater past three!
In the news a cement mixer has collided with a prison bus! Citizens are to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Two drunks are duck hunting, one drunk shoots down a duck & it lands in the lake. The drunk fisherman whistles for his dog to fetch it. It walks across the top of the water, picks up the duck and brings it back to its master. The other drunk fisherman, amazed by this asks his friend; "How can your dog do that?"
To which the fisherman replies; "He can't swim!"
Bloxwich fire station, which has the latest arrival times for arriving at fires has asked for advice as to how to help increase their responce time. Please call them on 10365 4574590876456...Extension 5076!
They both capture the moment!
Two men walk into a bar - You would have thought the second one would have seen it!
I booked a horse at 10-1! Came in at quater past three!
In the news a cement mixer has collided with a prison bus! Citizens are to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Two drunks are duck hunting, one drunk shoots down a duck & it lands in the lake. The drunk fisherman whistles for his dog to fetch it. It walks across the top of the water, picks up the duck and brings it back to its master. The other drunk fisherman, amazed by this asks his friend; "How can your dog do that?"
To which the fisherman replies; "He can't swim!"
Bloxwich fire station, which has the latest arrival times for arriving at fires has asked for advice as to how to help increase their responce time. Please call them on 10365 4574590876456...Extension 5076!
