I think I'm about to be dumped.

[TaboriHK]

Let it go. There a literally millions of people out there who are also compatible with you.

 

[Goro]

You need to break up with her. She's going to Europe, she's young and has just finished school and she will want to grow and 'explore' and have experiences to develop herself. Let her go.
By you breaking up with her, she'll come away without the guilt of being selfish, and will have a better time of her holiday, and you'll have the satisfaction of being the dumper rather than the dumpee, and can congratulate yourself on being mature and grown up about the whole thing. It's still gonna suck like nothing else, there's no way around that, but I truly think this race has run it's course.
When she gets back from Europe, she'll be a different person, and you'll hear about her adventures through a mutual friend while you're at a party with your new squeeze.
I have been through a very similar situation - twice!- and I think it's time to pull the pin.
Best of luck...


captcha - sticky wicket.
Who programs these things?

 

[ProtoKactus]

dump that chump . write less on the internet. use that time to get a new partner, who's not a self organized young lady who's egocentric view of the world is clinically solipsistic.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

If she feels like she's missing out on some important life experience because she's with you, there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry. I've seen it happen a million times. When people start feeling trapped in a relationship it never ends well. The relationship is the problem, not the person she's in a relationship with.

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

If you think she is going to break up with you, you should go ahead and end it on your own terms. I would also keep a bottle of good sipping whiskey around for the day after. It will be rough.

 

[Lyri]

Call me harsh but...

I think you should sort yourself out quite honestly, reading your post is making me wonder more about your role in this relationship. All I can read here is what she is going to do to you but I really, really think she is going with "What are you going to do for her?"

She is 22 and you're "going to her place" so I'm assuming her parents since you mentioned it and this relationship has been going on now for four years?
Colour me surprised I suppose but I would have imagined that after four years of being together there would be something that would convince you two to at least move in with one another.
She sounds like she wants to grow up and be a person who enjoys having early adulthood whilst she still has it, she is going away to Europe and you think she's going to dump you just to "fuck around" putting it bluntly.

You have a very negative attitude and kind of skewed image of sex - was it really necessary for you to ask people to PM you about your little romp?
Anyway, look if you think she wants to sleep around with other guys then maybe she does and maybe she already made her choice now and is just waiting until she goes to Europe to just put that distance between you and her to make everything a little easier because four years is a very long time - break up will be messy.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

First of all, thankyou to everyone for your support, sharing of your own stories, and advice.

No problem. ^^

I must say - having read more of the thread since my original post, the age issue and the graduation issue strike me as a larger issue. She started dating you at 18. As she pointed out, she has missed being single.

Personally, I hate being single. I like to know where my next orgasm is coming from, and there's no better way than having someone in-house who can provide me with one. However, I did enjoy having sex with different people, which is sounds like something she might be missing. So I can see that this issue is the main problem now.

What do you think is the best way? And has anyone else had to weigh up multiple exit strategies for their relationships?

Advice eh? Okay, since you asked:

Open Relationship.

She's going to be in Europe in May. Why not discuss the option that, while she's in Europe, you both act as if you are single. When she gets back, you can continue your relationship. She'll have time to be single and get it out of her system (since, as noted, being single isn't all that great).

I'd suggest trying earlier, but I get the impression that neither of you are really equipped for the complexities of an actual open relationship.

Personally, my spouse and I quite enjoy our open/swinging relationship because it has all the fun of being single but the love and commitment of a marriage. But it's not for everyone. Still, it might let her (and you) get a taste of what things would be like if you did break up so you can both decide if that's something you actually want.

 

[cerebreturns]

Missed out on the single life? Wants to experiment?

Yeah, sounds like a real keeper there.

If you are just waiting for her to get over it and change...she's going to change, not be the same person, so you are functionally looking for a different person.

People don't just change 1 thing...if something changes multiple things do.



Forget about her, she's a wannabe slut, a window shopper by her own admission.

 

[Squilookle]

Thought I should do some direct replies to those that offered advice that helped me. I didn't get everyone, but I tried to get a good selection. First of all though, there's something I need to clarify right here and now:

Maybe it's just me but I can't see her experimenting whilst you're sitting at home pining after her hoping for a rekindling later on to end well in any way, shape or form.

the most heartfelt snip of them all

I'd say break up for the duration of her trip and both of you experiment. Afterwards, if she wants to get back together and you feel the same- go for it. If not, then I'm sure you can find somebody even better than her

I also agree with the above posts that waiting for her if she does leave is folly. If at some point in the future your single, and she's single, and something major has changed, then maybe consider trying it again if the situation seems good.

If and when we do break up, I will most definitely not remain chaste while we are apart. I have far too much to offer, and you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be hitting the Melbourne nightlife doing some experimenting of my own. Perhaps it's because I need to find a bit of self-worth by picking up, perhaps I want to catch up on lost time same as she does, and perhaps I just want some more carefree time with the opposite sex. Basically speaking, I won't be pining for her from home at all. I will be experimenting too, and if I just happen to find someone else I want a serious relationship with, then I will accept that a stage of my life has given way to a new chapter. And, if instead we find ourselves contemplating getting back together while we're both single, I shall be open to that as well.

Anyway- on to some specifics.

Spoiler: kyuzo3567

As for advice, when my ex broke up with me after ~3 1/2 years, I managed to keep it composed till I made it home, let it all out in my room and promptly proceeded to have a gaming marathon to distract myself. I played games I loved and have beaten many times before, it gave my something somewhat physical to do while my mind kind of turned off and processed what had happened. When I finished my little marathon I was pretty well over the break-up (not to say I wasn't feeling sad about the whole thing still, but it wasn't as debilitating as it was initially to me)

I wish you all the best with this, good luck and no matter what happens keep your head up high!

That sounds like some damn good advice. I think I will get right on that when it happens.

Spoiler: Zyst, GroovySpecs and SkarKrow

What I'm trying to say is if you can do something about it: Try. Don't let the ship sail away while you watch in silence. If it's outside of your control no matter what do not beat up yourself about it.

Hunni all I would say is don't make assumptions about what will happen or you risk making this a self fullfilling prophecy.

Maybe try and ignore that feeling of doom and don't let it negatively impact your relationship and just hope for the best.

I hope it works out for you dude. If it doesn't, such is life and I'm sure your friends and good old mr jimothy beam will be there for you.

Don't worry, I'm very much a 'plan for the worst, hope for the best' kind of person. I won't take action based on assumption alone. And yes, maybe a few Bourbons would go down nicely afterwards, though I'll try not to make a habit of it.

Spoiler: Zero=Interrupt and CriticKitten

She's going after this friend of hers who's suddenly free, and throwing you away like an old rag.

If this girl is trying to "stay friends" but is really eyeing this other guy, you may want to initiate the breakup yourself. Especially if she has a history of breaking up with previous multiple boyfriends. Because she might have just gotten tired of you and is looking to dump you in the most polite way possible.

Cliche'd as it may seem- I trust her explicitly not to cheat on me. The friend of hers has a girlfriend anyway, and if mine was the cheating type, why voice concerns about the relationship when she could just bang him on the side and pretend everything was fine? Isn't that usually how a cheating goes, prior to an abrupt dumping usually with no reason given?

Spoiler: DoctorObviously

I'm very sorry to hear this, man. To be honest, I can't help you, or give you tips on how to overcome such a harsh situation. Scenario's like this are why I don't want a girlfriend.

If I could do it all again, I would. This week or so of pain and worry is peanuts compared to the nearly four years of feeling more complete than I ever have before. Don't look at this as a normal state of a couple. Finding someone to share love with is completely worth it, believe me.

Spoiler: Calibanbutcher and Hagi

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

(Addressed at the OP, not you Caliban )

Whilst this is exactly what I have done, will do and will keep on doing I feel it's fair to add that it doesn't always lead to the best results.

If she hasn't made up her mind and is particularly indecisive then chances are that this will force her to a decision she's not yet ready to make and as such she'll make it to get away from you.

Those were my thoughts too. As it turned out, it was exactly the case.

Spoiler: Lucid_Camel

you could end it yourself and take the power away from her.If she asks that she still wants to be friends , i would say " ya i think you would be better as a friend" Kind of a tiny verbal jab. Then never talk to her again.Hang out with your friends and keep busy.shits gonna hurt

I wish I could follow this, as I recognise it as a good way to go, but perhaps my problem is that I want to stay friends with her. Certainly this makes it more tricky.

Spoiler: Lilani

Sometimes you can remain friends. Hell, when I broke up with my first boyfriend, he was the one who said to me he hopes we can stay friends. And we have.

Thankyou. I wonder- do you think you would have stayed friends if he hadn't suggested it? Or was that what prompted it to be possible?

Spoiler: BloatedGuppy

If you do get broken up with, my advice is to be the bigger man. Attempt to curb any dramatics or resentment. Whatever small possibility there is of reconciliation after a break-up will be quickly destroyed by either. If she wants to stay friends, keep an open mind. I've stayed friends with many of my exes, and one in particular is like a sister to me. It's not necessarily something you can manage with grace while you're still hurting, but don't burn your bridges.

And...you know. I'm sorry that this is happening. I know that feel, bro. We have all been there at one time or another. You'll be okay.

Thanks Guppy. Burning this particular bridge is the last thing I want, and I will do everything I can to ensure this doesn't happen.

Spoiler: kypsilon and Images

if you want her, seduce her again, take her back to square one and be the guy she felt excited to be with in the beginning. Date her like it's the first time like you don't have all that history; shake up your lives a bit. Draw her attention back to you, do whatever it takes to be the guy she fell in love with. Passion passion passion!

I think if I had any advice to my past self it would actually to be to ignore the romantic side and target her sex drive.

I know. It sounds retarded as a badger on roller skates (I even think I sound stupid) but seriously, hear me out.

If you know what her dirtiest filthiest fantasy, do it. And I mean WHATEVER it is.

Sounds nuts but it may just be she misses the intense carnality of first meeting. Romance stuff is good for reminding a person why they love you. Dynamic, intense, exciting sex reminds them why they WANT you.

Worth a shot...

I took the advice of you two, and it certainly helped a lot. Sex before was always pretty good. But sex under such a heightened emotional state we were sharing? God damn that was really something else, and I do mean it in a good way, as bizarre as it sounds.

Spoiler: Gennadios

If she's 22, it's kind of a thing, you've been dating since she was legal, you're probably her first and only stable relationship, and at that age kids want adventure or excitement.

For better or worse, she won't really be comfortable until she drifts around sexually making one f*ckup after another. Stability isn't something people tend to value in relationships until they get close to their 30's.

Agreed- that's why I think I need to give her the chance to explore now. Better now with a possible future together than later when she just feels trapped and wants out.

Spoiler: knight steel

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Your post filled me with more steely determination than any rendition of 'Eye of the Tiger' ever could. It really helped me to go for the best outcome, to show myself at my best for her, and really helped out in general.

So thank you.

Spoiler: EvilChameleon

OP can't leave us hanging like this. Perhaps this is the greatest troll job of all time.

I must admit this made me laugh. It kinda did look like an elaborate troll job before the update, didn't it

Spoiler: saoirse13

Its a horrible feeling, but know this, you may be hurt now, and it may take alot of time, but you will be fine in the long run. If the relationship does end, then you will learn through time to live without her.

I know- in the event of a worst-case never again breakup, I've spent much time dwelling on this universal truth, and constantly reminding myself that in time, I will be OK.

As for your issue- if the profile has a recent picture then there's obviously been recent activity on it. My question to you is- does he have any friends that don't particularly like you? It's possible, though unlikely, that the profile was set up by a friend of his in an attempt to bring other women into his life to replace you. Regardless of who made it though- if your boyfriend himself knows about the profile, then you at least deserve an explanation as to why he allows it to be online.

Spoiler: DeathChairOfHell

The relationships that I have had are ones where I have been dumped, yet we ended it as friends. I appreciated it when they were honest and told me how they felt and I would probably have been more hurt if they had lingered with it.

If it's not too much trouble- I'd really like to hear how you ended them while ensuring you stayed friends. That's the end goal I'm really hoping for.

Spoiler: drummond13

I would do this before her Europe trip. Preferably right away. I would be respectful and gentle about it, but firm.

I would also stop listing the details of your sexual trysts online.

Just my two cents.

Yeah I did think about that when I wrote that part. I think that's about as detailed as I'm going to get. I did feel that the heightened intensity of our sex over the past few days was relevant to this whole process though. That's why I included it. To be honest I'm surprised the writing held anyone's interest long enough to even get to that spot.

Spoiler: ProtoKactus

dump that chump . write less on the internet. use that time to get a new partner, who's not a self organized young lady who's egocentric view of the world is clinically solipsistic.

Haha- did you not see how many were hanging out for me to write more, during the time I was out there doing the hard yards!?

Spoiler: Lyri

Call me harsh but...

I think you should sort yourself out quite honestly, reading your post is making me wonder more about your role in this relationship. All I can read here is what she is going to do to you but I really, really think she is going with "What are you going to do for her?"

She is 22 and you're "going to her place" so I'm assuming her parents since you mentioned it and this relationship has been going on now for four years?
Colour me surprised I suppose but I would have imagined that after four years of being together there would be something that would convince you two to at least move in with one another.
She sounds like she wants to grow up and be a person who enjoys having early adulthood whilst she still has it, she is going away to Europe and you think she's going to dump you just to "fuck around" putting it bluntly.

You have a very negative attitude and kind of skewed image of sex - was it really necessary for you to ask people to PM you about your little romp?
Anyway, look if you think she wants to sleep around with other guys then maybe she does and maybe she already made her choice now and is just waiting until she goes to Europe to just put that distance between you and her to make everything a little easier because four years is a very long time - break up will be messy.

A very fair post. And yes, harsh

While I am asking for advice on aspects I am unsure about, in the meantime I have been very proactively trying to be an attentive and loving boyfriend. Her uncertainty about breaking up is not stemming from what I can do for her, it has deeper roots in what she is missing out on at her age by being taken. This notion of dumping me just to 'fuck around' as you put it, comes straight from her, stated clearly to me. It is not some wild speculation I have about her true intentions on going to Europe. Hell she prefers Australian guys in general, and I'm sure she would have no problem whatsoever getting local guys if she went out on the town.

How do you know we haven't explored moving in together? We have- there's been multiple reasons we haven't done it until now, and it has always been a plan for the indefinite future anyway.

As for the PM thing, I actually did that out of curiosity. I wanted to see if anyone would actually ask. I had no intention whatsoever on elaborating on the details for people who wanted some cheap thrills, and I'm pleased to say that so far not one person on the escapist has sent me that kind of message. I've received plenty of genuine caring ones, but to everyone's credit, nobody went the sordid route, which only strengthens my conviction that this was a positive, caring place to talk about this.

 

[Lilani]

Thankyou. I wonder- do you think you would have stayed friends if he hadn't suggested it? Or was that what prompted it to be possible?

Well, I suppose I should tell the whole story.

When we started going out, we didn't really know much about each other's values as far as faith and religion, and nor did we really care for a good while. But as things got more serious, I started thinking more about my faith. I'm a Christian, and that is very important to me when it comes to a relationship. I want to be able to go to church with someone every Sunday and know that they are getting something out of it, too. As it happened, he was having a bit of a faith crisis himself. To make a long story short, after several weeks of thought, he decided that he didn't believe in any sort of God.

But before that several weeks started, we had a conversation about it. He knew how important faith was to me, so he told me that if he decided to choose atheism and I wasn't comfortable with it, we would break up and there would be absolutely no hard feelings. So we agreed to that, what happened happened, and we're still friends.

So it was a pretty amicable separation. I still feel a bit of that pain sometimes, and as well as I know him I think that he probably feels it as well. But regardless of what pain might be there we still get along. I certainly don't have trouble being around him, and if he has trouble being around me he hasn't shown it or tried to do anything about it.

And I think it was all made possible by just communicating well. We talked it out before it became too big of an issue to approach. We didn't try to lie or cover it up, we both respected each other and valued the truth of our relationship too much to let that happen. And to answer your other question, yes I wanted to still be friends with him too if we broke up. He just happened to have said it first.

 

[Reeve]

I don't believe a word of this!

Anyway, as Tom Smith sings,

"All sparks will burn out in the end."

 

[Reeve]

The OP reminded me of a song I like. So at least there's that, it's quite apropos for your "situation" - assuming that everything the OP (and subsequent posts aren't bullshit, which I think they are) - Slipping Husband by The National


Captcha: halp meh

LOL Indeed.

 

[FFP2]

Aww that was really sweet of the OP to address us individually

If and when we do break up, I will most definitely not remain chaste while we are apart. I have far too much to offer, and you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be hitting the Melbourne nightlife doing some experimenting of my own. Perhaps it's because I need to find a bit of self-worth by picking up, perhaps I want to catch up on lost time same as she does, and perhaps I just want some more carefree time with the opposite sex. Basically speaking, I won't be pining for her from home at all. I will be experimenting too, and if I just happen to find someone else I want a serious relationship with, then I will accept that a stage of my life has given way to a new chapter. And, if instead we find ourselves contemplating getting back together while we're both single, I shall be open to that as well.

That seems like the best way to go. Hope everything works out great for you

 

[The White Hunter]

Avast ye wall o'text!

Aye, bourbon takes the edge off so long as you don't form a habit from it. Good luck mate!

 

[The_Darkness]

Okay, add one more piece of advice to the pile... Quick background info - I'm a forever single guy (though not that cut up about it), so I may not be the best person to be giving this sort of advice. But I can promise that it's well thought out advice - I just don't have any experience to back it up.

Naturally, there is also the possibility that she will find someone that makes her happier, and while that would make me feel pretty pathetic and worthless as a human male, at least I would know that she was happy, and I would rather her be happy with someone else than be with me if it wasn't making her happy. I feel that to let her go is the right thing to do, and something I can do without regretting my actions. I still hate it with every fiber of my being, but I can see no better solution.

So you're a decent human being. You're willing to accept her being happy as the priority. Good. It may hurt, but you've accepted that. Well done. Seriously.

[HEADING=2]My Question for YOU[/HEADING]

Here's the problem though- I've just spent two days blindly talking and reasoning her into giving us another chance at the relationship, before realising that it can't sustain itself. It has to end or there will be no future for it. But I don't know how to do it.

I... don't agree. She's experiencing something of a 'grass-is-greener' point of view, as far as I can tell. This doesn't necessarily spell doom for the relationship - but she does need to find out what it's like on the far side of that fence. That said, she doesn't need to dump you to find out. I'd encourage her to speak with her friends.
The reasoning here is two-fold. First: She needs a second opinion. She needs the point of view of someone completely outside of the relationship. A trusted friend could provide that, either encouraging her to stick with the relationship, or otherwise.
Second: she needs to hear about both sides of being single. The pros and the cons. From what I've read, it sounds as if she's heard all the fun stuff, but is lacking any knowledge of the frequent break-ups, the discovery of guys who are complete jerks when you thought they were fine, the loneliness, that sort of thing. Honestly, being single is not bad, but she needs a complete picture of what she's going in for.

I could go to her straight away, and explain what I wrote about in the aftermath- tell her we'd be better off if we broke up, and end it quickly. This would bring closure sooner, but I fear she would not appreciate being so thoroughly talked into expanding the relationship only for me, once her decision had been put to rest, to bring out one of my own that ends it definitively- effectively robbing her of the decision.

I agree with your last point here: It's her decision. Yes, it's a decision that involves both of you, but you've made it fairly clear that you want to keep the relationship. The question is whether or not she does. So no, I wouldn't break it off.

I could let her do it her way, by going on until May the way we are now, and when she tells me she still wants to break up, I agree, state my thoughts on needing to let her experiment, and hopefully we end it there. Benefits include that she, as the one with the doubt and the desire to break up, still gets to do it. The big downside is that while we're getting along great now, if things start to slide, they're probably going to deteriorate a lot, and we won't end on peaceful terms, which for me is the absolute highest priority. I want to end the relationship with her thinking of me in the best possible light, to leave open a rekindling in the future.

This is the choice I would make. It's her decision, let her do it her way. In the meantime: Be the best man that you can be (I realise that's a lot to ask). If it's the end of the relationship, you want to end it in the best way possible. Otherwise, being the best that you can be could convince her not to give it up. Just be aware that, come May, the relationship might be over. And in the meantime, enjoy it as much as possible while it lasts.

Finally, I could opt for something in between, by waiting a little while then doing it myself. This seems to have all the dangers of the other options, but I won't lie to you- every further second I spend with her is like a wonderful snatched moment of borrowed time I've stolen from the inevitable. Maybe it isn't healthy, but unless I can be convinced just how unhealthy it is, I am leaning towards trying my luck with staying by her side for as long as possible.

This feels like a re-hash of the first choice, so again, No. I don't see any advantage of delaying a bit and then breaking it off. Maybe break it off if things start going severely downhill before May, but in the meantime, try and keep things going good.

It sounds like you both need time to think. That's good - as the cliche says, relationships need work - and keeping going until May will give you that time. Her holiday will act as a break away from you - again, good, since it will help you both reassess how you feel about each other. When she gets back - either break it off with style (by which I mean: Give yourselves both a good final memory of your time together), or agree to work at it.
A final word of warning on this point - sticking it out until May was your idea, not hers. I have only just remembered this, but it does mean that sticking it out until May isn't exactly her way. So, there's a chance that she'll break it off before then. That doesn't change my advice though.

Some notes:
1) Rather than just breaking it off, she chose to talk to you. This is very encouraging, as it implies that some part of her does want to keep the relationship going (as does the fact that she hasn't made a decision yet). Bear in mind that it doesn't sound like your relationship is doomed just yet. In danger? Yes. Doomed? No.
2) From your description of how things were before this conversation... the relationship got comfortable. This is a blessing and a curse. It's why tv-shows, video games, films etc always show relationships starting or finishing, rarely in progress. Because you get bored. And the boredom saps the polish away from the relationship. Things aren't exciting when they are comfortable. Rollercoaster rides are far more exciting, and attractive, than the couch. So maybe find something to spice your lives up a bit in the next couple of months.
3) Leading on from 2, then, to ask the evil question, especially when it sounds like your relationship might not still exist in a few months... Do you know where this relationship is going? Assume you stay with her, assume you work it out and decide you want to stay with each other... what next? What are your plans? Don't let things stay still and gather dust. Even if it's an extremely hypothetical, far-off conversation about the future: have a plan.

 

[Lyri]

A very fair post. And yes, harsh

While I am asking for advice on aspects I am unsure about, in the meantime I have been very proactively trying to be an attentive and loving boyfriend. Her uncertainty about breaking up is not stemming from what I can do for her, it has deeper roots in what she is missing out on at her age by being taken. This notion of dumping me just to 'fuck around' as you put it, comes straight from her, stated clearly to me. It is not some wild speculation I have about her true intentions on going to Europe. Hell she prefers Australian guys in general, and I'm sure she would have no problem whatsoever getting local guys if she went out on the town.

How do you know we haven't explored moving in together? We have- there's been multiple reasons we haven't done it until now, and it has always been a plan for the indefinite future anyway.

As for the PM thing, I actually did that out of curiosity. I wanted to see if anyone would actually ask. I had no intention whatsoever on elaborating on the details for people who wanted some cheap thrills, and I'm pleased to say that so far not one person on the escapist has sent me that kind of message. I've received plenty of genuine caring ones, but to everyone's credit, nobody went the sordid route, which only strengthens my conviction that this was a positive, caring place to talk about this.[/spoiler]

Well now you have to ask yourself what are you going to do long term?
I do not know your situation obviously but it sounds like she wants to live and enjoy life a little and maybe she can't see herself doing that with you as you're not in that position.
She is going to Europe to travel, how come her partner of four years isn't going with her on this trip?
Whilst you clearly love her and you want to keep her and she loves you but isn't in love with you, how much do you love yourself?
Are you invested in yourself and your future and is this a future she can see herself living with you?

 

[smithy_2045]

What do you think is the best way? And has anyone else had to weigh up multiple exit strategies for their relationships?

Advice eh? Okay, since you asked:

Open Relationship.

She's going to be in Europe in May. Why not discuss the option that, while she's in Europe, you both act as if you are single. When she gets back, you can continue your relationship. She'll have time to be single and get it out of her system (since, as noted, being single isn't all that great).

This is more or less what I was going to suggest. Just make sure you think you can handle it.

 

[krazykidd]

First of all, thankyou to everyone for your support, sharing of your own stories, and advice.

Except for Tanakh; that didn't help at all...

I think you all deserve to know what has happened since then- so I'll break it down for you.
[HEADING=1]Wednesday[/HEADING]

Spoiler

I head over to her place at 10am. Her little dog greets me at the door expecting its customary belly scratch, and I oblige. When I enter her room, she is asleep, but wakes up as I enter. I ask how she's been feeling over the weekend, and she says no worse than she has for some time now. She asks me how I've been and I admit I've been feeling pretty shit. She says she knows the feeling.

I don't think it's fair to start this conversation with her just woken up, but she doesn't mind. So I launch into it. I tell her how much of a shock it was to find she was unhappy, I tell her how good I thought our relationship was- listing off what I said in the OP, I tell her that I know I'm not perfect, and neither is she, but I've grown to love her quirks and any differences she has to me as it gives us different viewpoints in our discussions. I tell her I love her, value the relationship and am willing to better myself to make it work. I tell her my fear (and tell her how stupid this fear probably is) that her being off the pill has affected the way she's viewed the relationship/advice from others, and essentially that I recognise that having graduated, she is undergoing much change in her present and future plans for life, and that I'm prepared to change with them.

She tells me that during the time she's with me, she loves me and feels happy, but when I'm not around she has been feeling more and more apathetic. She tells me much of the text communication -particularly with organising the next meetup- has been done by her, and she feels if she doesn't chase me, I would never contact her.

I agree that she's been doing much more of the legwork lately, and that while I usually receive my work shifts after she does, it wouldn't hurt for me to ask about hers earlier. I also reassure her that it would be impossible for me to just let a silence draw out, and that I would start to get worried if she stopped contacting me without apparent reason.

She tells me how I've increasingly agreed to turn up at her place during a given window of time, say 'mid afternoon' and then arrive towards the tail end of that window. She tells me it used to make her upset waiting around having prepared for my arrival, but later she stopped caring. I tell her I had no idea it affected her to that extent, and suggest I be more specific in future with suggesting times I would be there, and stick to them.

She tells me she's surprised that I seem so pro-relationship, as she felt the distancing had been on both ends, and that I had started to care about her less and less when she wasn't around. I tell her that I absolutely want to continue the relationship, and that I didn't feel distant or apathetic to her at all. I say that I felt very comfortable with what the relationship had become, and that for her that may have been stagnation, but I never felt that way, and never felt distant or apathetic towards her.

She mentions how upset it made her that time I promised to pick her up from work, only to cancel when I got caught up sorting photo albums with Mum. This resulted in her having to catch a bus home in 40 degree C heat. She wished she had been more openly angry about it at the time. I should point out that whenever she gets angry, it leads to her being upset no matter what. I tell her I wish she got more angry too as it would have made it clear to me how serious it had been for her.

As we're talking for many hours, we're listening carefully to each other. She's tearing up in places, and I did too when I told her how scared this whole thing made me that I was about to lose her. We're also talking about the situation with some dry humour, and we're each making each other laugh at times, which really helped ease some of the tension. We hug each other tightly, and lie in each other's arms on the bed for a few hours. I stroke her hair, and her body. I brush near an erogenous zone, and hear no complaint. I try stroking her right on the zone, and she moans. So I tenderly play with her, while we kiss. Pretty soon she's playing with me too, and the clothes come off... well, you get the idea. We do oral on each other and soon it blows up into wild, full-on three position sex.

Afterwards, while lying together, we just hug for some time. I ask her what she thinks about what we've talked about. She says she doesn't know. I talk to her more about how committed I am to repairing what damage has been done and righting the things I didn't realise I had done, and the things I had misread the severity of. She has a solo Europe trip planned for May, and I suggest we stay together until she's gone off and done that. She still says she doesn't know, and changes the subject to my job interview.

I have a job interview on Thursday morning, and as I planned to have a friend on standby today I could go and commiserate with in the event that I got dumped, I hadn't brought a change of clothes for it. She asks if I'd like a lift to the interview, which is on the other side of the city. I tell her that would be lovely. I go home, grab my suit, and come back. She's dubious about my choice of shirt, and has me try on one of her dad's work shirts. I'm not complaining- here I am, wearing a suit, and walking around topless in suit pants- a look she has said in the past she enjoys a hell of a lot! I stay for dinner, and we hop into bed. I again ask her what she thinks about us, and she still doesn't know. I ask her to sleep on it and tell me tomorrow. She agrees, and we fall asleep in each other's arms.

[HEADING=1]Thursday[/HEADING]

Spoiler

The alarm wakes us up at an early hour. I ask if she'd like to shower with me, and she refuses. I come out of the shower to find that in the meantime she has taken her Dad's shirt and started ironing it for me. She doesn't have much experience with ironing so her Mum takes over and finishes it. I make us some breakfast. The atmosphere is just like any regular day in our relationship, and while I know my girlfriend has talked with her Mum about how she feels about the relationship, she's just as nice and playfully teasing towards me as usual. I put on my suit, her Mum gives me a brush down with one of those brushes that removes tiny hairs with static, and we're off.

The interview slot I've been given only goes for 15 minutes, so my girlfriend won't have to wait long. When I get called in from the group waiting in the lobby, they're in a rush and will make it quick. They scan the clipboard I've filled out, ask me a few questions, and I'm out in 3 minutes. They tell me they'll only be 3 selected from everyone there, but I felt I was in with a chance as the interview went really well. I call her when I get out, and she's in a nearby park. We meet up and head to a coffee shop she noticed.

We talk over drinks about the area, what working here might be like, and we joke about other things. We're having a really good, talkative time. We drive back to hers, and collapse on the bed and have a nap. (Curiously enough, I can usually never sleep during daylight hours, but there's something about her that enables me to nap alongside her during the day). Anyway, when we wake up, we're making out gently and passionately, but since she had signs of the start of her period last time around, proper sex was off the cards. So we went the tantric route. What followed was almost an hour of teasing and stimulating that drove us both absolutely crazy. I won't go into the details too much as it's probably not best suited for this forum. Hell if you really want to know you can try to PM me.

Anyway, we go to dinner, both of us struggling to walk on our jelly legs. I get a text from the interview place- I've made it into the top 3 and was required back there for a trial run at 8am the next day. I decide to go home and head out from there in the morning. My girlfriend only has 2 days off this week and I didn't want her to have to be woken up early on both of them. I kiss her goodbye, and she suggests I come round again after the trial run. I agree.

[HEADING=1]Friday[/HEADING]

Spoiler

I get up at 5am, and am so careful about leaving enough time to get there that I drive through the city in light traffic and end up arriving 70 minutes early. It was due to start at 8, and finish by 10. I get in at 9:50, sit with the other 3 for half an hour, and then chat with some supervisors. It's a marketing company, and they explain we'll be in direct competition with each other. They also tell us to use our cars (lucky I brought mine- I was considering the train and tram) to drive 40 minutes to a shopping center halfway down the bay for the trial. None of this is relevant I suppose, so basically I passed the theory with "flying colours" as they called it, but missed out at the end, which finally arrived at 12:30. I sneak in a text apologising that I was still out, and promised to call when I was done. The more I thought about the nature of the job, the more I was actually glad I didn't get it. Commission based pay... yuck. My phone battery dies before I can call her.

I come back to my girlfriend's place, and she hadn't checked her phone or seen the text, but said she wasn't fussed, having guessed what had happened, and we're hanging out around the house. We've been meaning to watch Armageddon for a few weeks, so we pull it out and watch it together, and yes, it's every bit as cheesy as we remember.

Tentatively, I bring the subject of our future up again. She has not decided what she wants, and tells me if she absolutely had to give an answer at the time, up until today she would have opted for a break up (so I'm glad I didn't try the direct approach) and explains that there's another problem.

Gulp.

She's 22, and many of her friends have been in and out of relationships during ours, and others have been single throughout. She's felt for some time now that by being with me she is missing out on the single lifestyle her friends have enjoyed during the part of her life she feels is best suited for it. She says she wishes she had met me a little later on after she had had time to experiment. I recall her mentioning this view in an offhand way nearly 2 years ago, and it seems to have stuck with her.

Suddenly I feel like I now need time to think about us, but not long after, she decides she wants to give me a chance. She tells me we'll be together up until the eve of her going away and then she will make her choice. I say I feel happy and we embrace, and I head off back to my place to get ready for a party the next day.

As I drive home, I am now convinced our relationship is doomed. She planned the Europe trip during her time of doubt, and was clear that she wanted to do it alone. In my mind, she wants to be free to experiment on the trip, but will stay with me up until that time, and when the time comes, she will dump me.

[HEADING=1]Aftermath[/HEADING]

Spoiler

The more I think about it, the harder it becomes. Here we are, with a key problem she is facing that I can do absolutely nothing about. Think of it this way: if we stay together, she will always wonder what she missed out on; she will always look back at that time as a potentially missed opportunity to experiment, and as I'm only the second relationship she's had, she'll never know herself how good or bad a boyfriend I am compared to other guys out there.

As hard as it is for me to even contemplate- the only way we will ever have a chance of being together in the future is for me to let her go. Only by experiencing other men will she gain an objective view of what we had. If after this period of time she decides that I was better than anyone she encountered since (and I honestly feel about 90% sure that could happen... talk about an overinflated ego huh), then she will want me back.

Naturally, there is also the possibility that she will find someone that makes her happier, and while that would make me feel pretty pathetic and worthless as a human male, at least I would know that she was happy, and I would rather her be happy with someone else than be with me if it wasn't making her happy. I feel that to let her go is the right thing to do, and something I can do without regretting my actions. I still hate it with every fiber of my being, but I can see no better solution.

[HEADING=2]My Question for YOU[/HEADING]

Spoiler

Here's the problem though- I've just spent two days blindly talking and reasoning her into giving us another chance at the relationship, before realising that it can't sustain itself. It has to end or there will be no future for it. But I don't know how to do it.

I could go to her straight away, and explain what I wrote about in the aftermath- tell her we'd be better off if we broke up, and end it quickly. This would bring closure sooner, but I fear she would not appreciate being so thoroughly talked into expanding the relationship only for me, once her decision had been put to rest, to bring out one of my own that ends it definitively- effectively robbing her of the decision.

I could let her do it her way, by going on until May the way we are now, and when she tells me she still wants to break up, I agree, state my thoughts on needing to let her experiment, and hopefully we end it there. Benefits include that she, as the one with the doubt and the desire to break up, still gets to do it. The big downside is that while we're getting along great now, if things start to slide, they're probably going to deteriorate a lot, and we won't end on peaceful terms, which for me is the absolute highest priority. I want to end the relationship with her thinking of me in the best possible light, to leave open a rekindling in the future.

Finally, I could opt for something in between, by waiting a little while then doing it myself. This seems to have all the dangers of the other options, but I won't lie to you- every further second I spend with her is like a wonderful snatched moment of borrowed time I've stolen from the inevitable. Maybe it isn't healthy, but unless I can be convinced just how unhealthy it is, I am leaning towards trying my luck with staying by her side for as long as possible.

What do you think is the best way? And has anyone else had to weigh up multiple exit strategies for their relationships?

How do you feel about open relationships? The ability to be together as a couple but sleep with other people ? It's not cheating if both parties agree. She ( and you )gets to expriment and you guys could stay in the relaionship? It seems like decent middle ground . Of course it takes a lot of trust for no one to get jelous , but think about it at least.

If you aren't too keen on that i say end it now . You get closure , you will hurt , but the healing processess will begin sooner and will heal faster .

My 2 cents .

 

[DeathChairOfHell]

Spoiler: DeathChairOfHell

The relationships that I have had are ones where I have been dumped, yet we ended it as friends. I appreciated it when they were honest and told me how they felt and I would probably have been more hurt if they had lingered with it.

If it's not too much trouble- I'd really like to hear how you ended them while ensuring you stayed friends. That's the end goal I'm really hoping for.

Well, I'm not sure that it can be applied to everyone, even though I wish it could, but I like to think that I am a thinker, and that I rarely act without considering. Therefore, when I was told that, let's call her Y, wanted to end things between us, I asked for an explanation rather than breaking down. She explained that she just didn't feel the same about me as she had before and that it was nothing I had done. I tolerated it and didn't blame her. After the break-up, I gave her space, assuming that was what she wanted. After a while, I contacted her and just talked casually, ignoring the fact that we were no longer a couple. She showed no sign of being uncomfortable, so that's what we did, talked. When I felt secure enough, I inquired about her reason to break up with me and we had a long and fulfilling conversation about it. It cleared the air and got us closer. After that I still hung out with her, since we had mutual friends and we are to this day close, though as friends.
Now I don't know if this helps you, but that's what I did. Gave her space, talked it through and finally accepted it.

 

[DeathChairOfHell]

UPDATE: To see what happened next, see page 4, post 109
____________________________________________________________________

After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TLR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

I wrote a response for you regarding my break-up experience, but I don't know anything about making quotations and such without including the entire text, so I'd just let you know that I have responded.