She leaves the next morning, right about the time I'm off to work. Throughout the day, I catch myself looking at the clock, imagining where her plane must still be flying on its way from Melbourne to London. One of my friends, a very happily single punk rocker high school friend who I always used to go clubbing with, is mighty excited about the days ahead and appoints himself in charge of getting me laid after four years of me being out of 'the game'. I can't say I feel all that enthusiastic about it, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd feel pretty useless as a guy who lets his girlfriend jet off to sleep with other guys without having any action of his own back home. You might think it sounds pretty pathetic, and I'd agree with you, but for better or worse, I felt it was imperative that I have some sort of fling while she's off touring Europe with all sorts of different men getting to ogle her as I've always seen local guys do.
My friend and I have many adventures during this time, going out as often as humanly possible over the 3 weeks to recapture the spirit of our old clubbing days. We both sign up to multiple online dating sites while we're at it to try our luck, and we start heading out to every gig he hears about, to mingle with his punk crowd. I joined a group another friend was in, devoted to picking up women during the middle of the day. I was very curious to see how that worked, so gave that a shot too.
Desperation, people. That's what this was. A very hectic, exhausting, and nerve-wracking time for me as the days ticked down, heading out on many nights and getting very little sleep, but with no true success. I've never seen myself as anything more than average looking so my confidence wasn't too high- the time limit effect certainly wouldn't have helped. I took the occasional nights off to go and watch the latest Game of Thrones with her family, who are all big fans of the show too.
Every now and then, a text would come through from her, giving a brief update on where she was, what sights she'd seen, and so on.
I miss you though. I love you heaps, hope you're doing good
Hey Sexy. I'm currently on the road through the German countryside and was thinking about you. You're the best. I love you.
I love you heaps and can't wait to see you.
I'd always reply and echo her love, feeling for the first time in over half a year that perhaps we were mended. I wondered if she was getting with anyone, but as I told my friend, I wouldn't care how many guys she got with so long as it enabled her to leave all her doubts behind.
The world of online dating proved to be a brutal one. My friend, with his full sleeve tattoos and band member status, was having girls message him left and right, while I barely even got a reply to mine. Guess I didn't stand out enough. Needless to say that the whole useless exercise made me feel incredibly shit.
REALLY shit. How much easier, I thought to myself, must it be for my girlfriend right now, in a foreign land, with an outgoing, directly-approach-men mentality, bright pink hair, on a continent where men were far more aggressive in approaching women (or so I had heard, anyway).
It came down to the final weekend before her return mid next week, and the last opportunity I'd have to go out. It was a 27th out at a club. I was going with my friend and a girl who had been through a bad breakup a few weeks before. I'd heard through the grapevine that she was seriously considering sleeping with me, as we both got on like a house on fire whenever we sat down and just talked, but for her it still seemed too close to her breakup to be sure if she was ready for anything.
I felt strongly attracted to this girl- so much so that even in my 'God-I-have-to-get-laid-to-assert-myself-as-a-man' state of self pity, I decided at one point I would not pursue her, partially because she was a committed relationship type, and for her sleeping with a guy who would become unavailable as soon as his girlfriend got back wouldn't help her. Also my friend was starting to fall for her too and I thought it would be much healthier for both of them to be together.
So me and this girl are hanging around outside the club, just chatting away, when she tenses, grabs my hand, and strides off leading me down the street. She had just spotted her ex, who's supposed to be in Western Australia, outside a bar with another woman. She apologises for her reaction, then bursts into tears.
I step forward and take her in my arms, and she sobs into my chest, clutching me tightly. We stand there in the street, holding each other, and I'm reminded of the many times my girlfriend has had breakdowns. Sometimes because of things said to her, sometimes because of pill effects, sometimes for no reason at all. For me, it's not uncomfortable at all to be in this situation, as just being there to help someone through a moment of horrible sadness helps make me feel like a worthwhile person. In a moment such as this, all thoughts of getting laid, proving myself to myself, ensuring I have a good time on this night; they all fade away. As I look down into this girl's eyes as she starts feeling better, I think to myself what things may have been like if I were single, if I'd met this girl instead of my girlfriend, how things may have been different....
I know what you're thinking- I'm going to fall for this girl and my girlfriend will slip from my mind. Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't a soap opera. I have a girlfriend and that's all there is to it. I'm not going to ditch her for someone else just because.
Anyway, she composes herself, I make sure she's OK, and we head into the club. She goes and sits opposite me with my friend, while I start chatting up some other girl. Things are going well, though very slowly, but I'm enjoying myself and am playing along. At one point I got up to get a drink/go to the toilet/something or other, and found myself walking along the corridor with the girl I held outside. We're talking about nothing in particular, and go into our respective toilets.
I'm out first, so I decide to wait for her. She walks out slowly, deep in thought.
"I've made a decision" she offers, eventually. I ask what the decision is, not even knowing what it's about.
"I'm...
not going to sleep with you tonight."
Considering I had ruled this out of ever happening long ago, and figured she'd see as well as I could how it wouldn't work between us, I take it as a compliment that she was seriously considering it in the first place. Without skipping a beat I tell her I'm glad she's made that decision, and have nothing but respect for her for making that choice. We go back to where we were sitting down, and I resume talking to this other girl.
With the other girl and my friend joking and critiquing the way I'm 'picking up' this girl, I simply stop caring what they, or anyone else thinks. I go in for the kiss, she responds, and we share a moment with the others watching with absolutely nothing to say.
Take THAT, naysayers!
Anyway, seeing how well we're doing, the other two decide they're going to leave. I say my goodbyes and give them a hug, then go back to my girl. We kiss for a little while longer, then decide to catch a cab back to her friend's place where she's staying. She's showing token resistance all the way, talking about having to work in the morning, how small her mattress is (and it WAS small, maybe only 60cm wide!), how others would be sharing the room etc. I just took it all in my stride, and soon enough we had the room to ourselves, with the lights -and our clothes- off.
We were at it for two hours. That irrational need to prove myself arising again, about 3/4 of that time was spent in foreplay, working on erasing any further doubts she may have had. Needless to say, when morning came a few short hours later, we were both wrecked!
It finished well though. We both got dressed, her into her work clothes, and we had a bit of fun talking while she drove me to a train station on the way. After one last kiss, I wished her good luck for her shift
(thanks, I'll need it!) and strolled up to the station.
I distinctly remember standing there on the platform waiting for the train, mulling over last night's events. I asked myself if I felt like I had cheated on my girlfriend. After a moment's thought, I decided I didn't feel like I had at all. I hadn't done anything outside the rules we'd set down, afterall. More than anything though I felt immense relief that I
did get with someone while my girlfriend was gone. This way, no matter what she was getting up to in Europe, I knew I wouldn't be completely empty handed on my end, either...