So there's this guy I was friends with from 2006-2009 (5th grade-9th grade). Wait, I probably shouldn't use the word "friend", because for those three years I associated myself with him, he took literally every opportunity to either insult me or beat me. And that's what this particular venting is about. I finally snapped at a football game, and said something along the lines of, "[name], why can't you fucking treat me like a human being?!" All I got in response was a satisfied smirk. So then we stopped being friends. My other friends, which were also his, were alright with this for a little while. Then they started being assholes. Never mind the fact that I had been friends with them three years prior to [name] entering the picture. Wow, great way to treat a friend of six years. Naturally, I stopped talking to them. Wait, there was a problem with that...what was it? Oh yeah. They were my only friends that were within walking distance (same cul de sac), so when I stopped hanging out with them, I was more or less unofficially exiled to my house. I mean, why bother? I couldn't hang out with them, and if I left to go anywhere, I was sure to hear some taunts, just because I was walking. And after three years of non-stop taunting, I couldn't stand to hear anymore. So pretty much sense then, I am in my room most of the day. I had another friend in my neighbourhood who I'd visit with occasionally, but then he moved to Iowa. Fucking great.
And then there was school, where I couldn't just stay in my room to avoid him. If I ever saw him, guess what? Insults. I remember one day, I was on my way to gym, and him and his friend followed me down the stairs calling me fat (which I am, but does it really need to be rubbed in?), and coincidentally, I had to give a presentation in my English class that same day, and I, like so many people, have a phobia of public speaking. Well, with being followed plus having to face my worst fear, I had a seven hour panic attack. (Okay, people with Panic Disorder, maybe it was an anxiety attack or something, either way, though, I was in hell.)
Then in March of last year, [name] apologised to me. Me, being the all too forgiving guy that I am, put the past three-and-a-half years behind me. Sadly, I still didn't feel welcomed outside, so I still stayed in. But I didn't care, because I didn't have to avoid [name] anymore! Skiddly-dee! And even after all he'd put me through, I still did my best to be there for him when he tried, and failed, multiple times to commit suicide.
But then comes March of this year. My friend told me that he started, again, to make fun of me behind my back. After I sided with him against our former friends (he had a falling out with them, too), and after I comforted him during his suicidal phase, the guy starts shit again. But you know what? After seeing how much he failed in offing himself, and after seeing how he was, alone and miserable, just as I was because of him, I stopped being afraid of him. I stopped caring about what he said about me. He just became too damned pathetic and too damned worthless in my book. And I bet making fun of me gives him a nice confidence boost, so go ahead, [name], do whatever makes you feel good. No, really, please do. I don't care. People as sad as yourself don't phase me. I just laugh at how pathetic they are. I wonder how it must feel knowing the person you mock doesn't care because he perceives you as "too pathetic to worry about"?
Did you think I was done? Nope. That was merely the exposition. Luckily, this is going to be shorter.
I'm now living with the after-effects of bullying. Did you know there were after-effects? I sure didn't! But apparently they are. They include: social anxiety, hyper-vigilance (I never let my guard down; I'm always on the look out for threats), loneliness, low self-esteem, and trust issues. I also have a very mild phobia of laughter; whenever I hear laughter, the first thing I think of is, "Goddamn it, they're talking about me! What'd I do, and how can I fix it??", and the second thing I think is, "Those worthless fucking shits, I don't even know them!" I say "mild" because this only happens at school. I also think I'm kinda thin-skinned, but I've heard that most bullying victims feel as though they are. So yeah, that's what I live with every day, and I can't stand it. I don't like to talk about it (except anonymously in a place designated for such purposes, such as here), either. I've got this idea in my head somehow that talking about my problems with others just bothers them and wastes their time because no one cares (another after-effect maybe?). This is actually the first time, in fact, that I've ever talked about this. I admit it, I've occasionally contemplated suicide, but that always leads to, "What does it accomplish? You have dreams, don't you want to achieve them?" Thank [deity] for that thought process!
Ooh, hey, another possible after-effect! I'm now afraid that, because my post is so long, random Escapists are gonna insult me or scold me for it. Please don't.
