I say No, but do what you want as long as you don't force your ideals upon everyone else or look down on those of us that choose to lose our virginity sooner. People are too repressed about sex, especially in America.
Poll: Is your virginity worth saving?
- Thread starter BangSmashBoom
- Start date
It takes practice and time too get it right with your partner (well it did for me, but my girlfriend is pretty freaky), so saving it for marriage will just lead too complications...
No It isn't. Growing up as someone who believed it was I always noticed that those who "lost their virginity" tended to feel guilty and sad about it - so that proved you should save yourself right? This was seen as evidence that losing one's virginity will lead to feeling bad, feeling "lost" or "spoiled" and needing forgiveness or a "second virginity". But all it actually proved was that people who put a premium on virginity feel bad about losing it (unless its their wedding night). When I started to meet people who didn't have my religious upbringing I noticed that they didn't have any of the hang-ups that my religious friends did who dabbled in sexual activity (sometimes not even full on intercourse).
I turns out that if you don't have the shame and guilt attached to sex when you find out about it; you don't have the hang-ups.
I am glad I lost mine and so did my wife well before my wedding night. The wedding day was exhausting and we needed rest. Fortunately we had been sleeping together for years prior to the wedding and so their was no pressure. If we had waited until that night I doubt it would have as good as our actual first time (I won't be explicit but it happened quite organically and we took a long time to ensure we were both comfortable). So I would tell people the opposite.
The metaphor of a present is a bad and, indeed, dangerous one.
I turns out that if you don't have the shame and guilt attached to sex when you find out about it; you don't have the hang-ups.
I am glad I lost mine and so did my wife well before my wedding night. The wedding day was exhausting and we needed rest. Fortunately we had been sleeping together for years prior to the wedding and so their was no pressure. If we had waited until that night I doubt it would have as good as our actual first time (I won't be explicit but it happened quite organically and we took a long time to ensure we were both comfortable). So I would tell people the opposite.
The metaphor of a present is a bad and, indeed, dangerous one.
Yes.
I consider sex to be the same as making love.
In my eyes it's something that is truly special.
I may well die a virgin because of my beliefs but without regrets.
IMO you shouldn't save yourself if you don't personally believe it's the right thing for you.
I consider sex to be the same as making love.
In my eyes it's something that is truly special.
I may well die a virgin because of my beliefs but without regrets.
IMO you shouldn't save yourself if you don't personally believe it's the right thing for you.
Seeing as I recently (as of Friday) took the virginity of someone... I think as a man, virginity is fleeting thing and is basically a ticking time bomb that everyone is happy to see go off. As a women... the opposite.
The girl I slept with was definitely emotional about it and I feel like an ass cause it was just a one night stand to me.
I think women need to safeguard theres a little more cause CERTAIN women get incredibly attached to the first guy they fuck.
The girl I slept with was definitely emotional about it and I feel like an ass cause it was just a one night stand to me.
I think women need to safeguard theres a little more cause CERTAIN women get incredibly attached to the first guy they fuck.
I would say no you shouldn't save sex for marriage, at the same time I wouldn't say just give your virginity away. Theoretically marriage is a lifelong commitment and you want to make sure you are sexually compatible with the one person you will be having sex with for the rest of your life. At the same time I would think you wouldn't want to give it to someone who didn't mean anything to you. You want to give it to someone who means something to you.
Sorry to hear that.Moonlight Butterfly said:Nope, saved my virginity for the guy I was engaged to, he turned out to be a wife beating bastard.
Not to be cynical and bitter but people live much longer than they used to. Expecting someone to be the same person and never change for 50 odd years is pretty crazy. Not to mention you might change too.
That said sex gets much better in a long term relationship. I have nothing against those
Save your virginity or not doesn't bother me. But be careful of thinking that the person you lose it with will be around forever because shit happens, usually to good people.
And your comments are dead on the money for me - particularly that whole 'living longer' thing. I think it ties in to a huge range of marriage-related issues.
In the Middle Ages (where much of our idea of 'courtly', 'pure' love come from) women, often quite literally, were bought and sold by their families. If you were married off at 14 to a man you'd never met before, you'd had 12 kids by 30 (6 of whom were stillborn or died before age 3); most of your teeth had fallen out by the ripe old age of 31; and you'd started coughing up blood over the last few months and there was a strange lump on your left breast; the idea of putting up with a husband for another few years (at most!) wasn't so bad because, frankly, you'd be dead soon. As he would be as well.
These days, families aren't even considering children until some point *beyond average life expectancy* for those bad ol' days.
The concept of virginity - in particular the female variety - is a throwback to days of yore.
However, that said, my wife is pregnant with my second child now - a daughter. For all my talk of 'bah humbug that's old fashioned nonsense!' you can guarantee that I, as her father,
WILL BE WATCHING HER LIKE AN UNLIDDED EYE WREATHED IN FLAMES AT THE SUMMIT OF A BLACK TOWER
That's another point of view no one seems to be considering - sure, virginity is an individual's choice ... but as the soon-to-be-father of a girl I'll honestly tell everyone here that I'd be a lot more suspicious of her boyfriends than I would of my son's girlfriends (presuming they are both hetero of course). I don't care if you call me a hypocrite - at least I'm an honest one.
Yes and no. One way to look at it is like passing a lollipop around to a bunch of other guys before popping it into my own mouth, but that doesn't go both ways (physiologically and psychologically sex is vastly different between the genders, and by virtue virginity). I don't care who's doing what with whom, but I don't want to be a part of the social orgy, literally or metaphorically.
Virginity isn't necessary, but well used human toilet holds no appeal at all. I've also got a problem with raising some other man's unwanted kids because she couldn't care less who she's putting out to or what comes of that, or worse yet, being involved with someone with kids and their father(s) are still in the family; because there's nothing as romantic as being a 3rd wheel in a preexisting family, right?
I digress.
Virginity isn't necessary, but well used human toilet holds no appeal at all. I've also got a problem with raising some other man's unwanted kids because she couldn't care less who she's putting out to or what comes of that, or worse yet, being involved with someone with kids and their father(s) are still in the family; because there's nothing as romantic as being a 3rd wheel in a preexisting family, right?
I digress.
You don't need to feel the need to save it for a spouse or some "perfect" person but feeling as though it is something you need to be ashamed of or throw away as quick as possible is just as wrong. When a good opportunity presents itself then give it up but don't feel pressured and certainly don't do something you'll regret. Once it is gone, it's gone after all and while it might not be a tangible thing, it is very much a part of who you are, whether it becomes a source of strength and pride or a source of weakness and shame are completely up to you and how you choose to live your life and perceive things. I think it shows an incredible moral character to be willing to refrain from sex despite having no religious obligations holding one back. These are of course just my personal beliefs and while I might not agree with some of the concepts in your religion, I certainly respect what you have chosen for yourself and wish you the best of luck.BangSmashBoom said:
If it's that important to you then yeah, I guess.
My reasoning is that sex is fun, safe when done responsibly, and above all something that gets better and easier with repetition (like most anything), so to deny yourself that fun and experience is just a silly idea. I'd actually see it as almost cruel marrying someone and subjecting them to sex with a complete novice, no matter the age.
Remember that 'never kissed before marriage' couple?
Now imagine that with sex. Nobody deserves that.
My reasoning is that sex is fun, safe when done responsibly, and above all something that gets better and easier with repetition (like most anything), so to deny yourself that fun and experience is just a silly idea. I'd actually see it as almost cruel marrying someone and subjecting them to sex with a complete novice, no matter the age.
Remember that 'never kissed before marriage' couple?
Now imagine that with sex. Nobody deserves that.
As it was said before, it's only as important as you make it and what ideas were crammed in your young mind and if they took root.
I also agree that getting married before you know your lover intimately is a bad idea. I tell you what, going to bed and even just lying next her is one of the best parts of my day even if we don't have sex. But that level of intimacy and familiarity we have would not be there if we were abstaining. All there would be is pent up needs and desires we would be stifling. And for what? To appease an invisible man that supposedly gave us those need and desires just to be a dick to us to see if we could hold out? I grew up catholic, confirmation and all but it just did not take root, it was just not who I am. It obviously works for some people and that's great. But for me sex has been and still is a fairly important part of my relationships it builds intimacy, trust, and respect in each of us. I will blame that on an equally inane belief, in that it has something to do with me being a Scorpio.
I found this thread also amusing as she was watching the Family Guy ear sex episode as I was leaving for work =)
I also agree that getting married before you know your lover intimately is a bad idea. I tell you what, going to bed and even just lying next her is one of the best parts of my day even if we don't have sex. But that level of intimacy and familiarity we have would not be there if we were abstaining. All there would be is pent up needs and desires we would be stifling. And for what? To appease an invisible man that supposedly gave us those need and desires just to be a dick to us to see if we could hold out? I grew up catholic, confirmation and all but it just did not take root, it was just not who I am. It obviously works for some people and that's great. But for me sex has been and still is a fairly important part of my relationships it builds intimacy, trust, and respect in each of us. I will blame that on an equally inane belief, in that it has something to do with me being a Scorpio.
I found this thread also amusing as she was watching the Family Guy ear sex episode as I was leaving for work =)
To adequately understand the issue one has to understand both viewpoints.
Proponents of virginity-saving rely on emotional appeals. They frame it as an issue of loyalty to their future spouse, obedience to God, and because they believe sex for the first time will be more gratifying if you wait until trying it with someone you love. None of these are based on the tenets of logical reasoning.
Firstly, one cannot be loyal to a person they have no knowledge of. To be loyal to someone means that you act in accordance with their wishes. If you have no knowledge of someone then you have no knowledge of what their wishes are. Your future wife might wish for you to be an experienced and skilled lover. How many things have you done skillfully on your first try? How many skills have you honed sharply with only one perspective from which to critique? You might say that you only need one perspective from which to hone your skill if that is the only perspective you are trying to satisfy. This is false because that perspective, your spouse, does not know what he or she does not know. How many people have lived their lives never searching for the G-spot because they didn't know it was there? How many men and women never said to their partners "play with my anus while you fuck me" because it never occurred to them that it magnifies the sensation happening in their other genitals, and no one ever told them? How many people have never experimentation with sensory deprivation, role playing or asphyxiation? We are only the sum of our experiences and nothing more.
Second, the Bible was written by men and is not the word of God. However, the Bible is very real as a written document and it is surrounded by a context. To understand why the Bible's authors want you to save your virginity is to understand why the authors thought it worth writing. At the time the Bible was written there was no technology for contraception, and there was no reasonably safe or reliable way to abort pregnancies; therefore, having sex = making babies, every time, no matter what. It was and is in the interest of society not to have single mothers raising hoards of children on their own. It would be much better if every woman with children also had a man to share the burdens of raising children and contributing to society. If religion is seen as a tool of social control, which is exactly what it was and is, then suddenly many of God's directives and commandments make perfect sense because they just happen to be necessary for society to exist peacefully and thrive in those ancient times. The authors obviously wanted to enforce solid family units because it was to benefit society. As time changes so does the human social matrix; unfortunately, the Bible has not changed. Interpretation of the Bible changes, but there is only so much you can do to change the meaning of things otherwise stated plainly. In this particular issue, sex no longer means having children. Contraception makes the liklihood of child-making relatively low and abortion takes care of those times when contraception fails. Suddenly, two uncommitted people having sex does not lead to the destruction of society, as it would have before contraception and safe, reliable abortions. This particular tenet set forth by the bible is now out of date and no longer necessary.
Lastly, Sex for the first time is almost never gratifying for either party. It may be an overall pleasant experience, it may have a positive emotional impact, but anyone who says their first time having sex was their best sexual experience ever is either a liar, or has only had sex once. Speaking only for myself, I didn't have sex until well into adult hood and it was with someone I loved deeply. The experience was awful and she was dried out and remained unfulfilled before I stopped, unfulfilled myself. I later learned to become a very good lover indicating that my first experience is not a representation of what would be a trend for me. It's just that doing something, anything, for the first time typically is done unskillfully.
There are some good reasons not to wait for marriage.
First, sex is fun, healthy and it feels good. Both parties are engaging in a physical activity, receiving validation of their attractive worth, and getting an orgasm.
Second, becoming a good lover is something learned with experience. No amount of studying on the internet or porn-watching will prepare a person for being a sex god in bed, master of multiple body shaking orgasms. I for one plan to rock my partner's world from the first time until the day one of us dies.
Third, you are not guaranteed a wife or a future. People die and that is a fact. leaving things off until tomorrow means you take the risk of depriving yourself of that thing forever. Your only get one chance to live before you die and once you die that's it. What happens after death? Easy: it's the same thing that happens before you were formed in a test tube. Do you recall what it felt like before being born? There you go.
Last, marriage is not for everyone. Some people do not want to be married. Maybe they have attachment issues, maybe they hate the opposite sex, maybe they are not religious (marriage is a religious ritual...) or maybe they know they would be unsuitable as a spouse.
I would like to conclude by suggesting that there is only one good reason to hold off on sex (not the same as waiting for marriage): there is no way to guarantee that sex will not result in a baby other than removing or severing sexual organs completely, which is permanent and not reversible. From a female perspective, this is not a problem if you are OK with abortion and have the funds to foot the bill. From a male's perspective this makes sex a risky proposition. The decision to abort or not is not yours to make, and even if your partner claims they would abort a fetus there is no assurance they won't change their mind. You risk being legally obligation to provide financial assistance for a child for 18 years, in America. Therefore, for males, the only safe time to have sex is when you want a baby with your partner. At all other times it's a risk. This applies to married people as well. Being married =/= ready to have babies.
Proponents of virginity-saving rely on emotional appeals. They frame it as an issue of loyalty to their future spouse, obedience to God, and because they believe sex for the first time will be more gratifying if you wait until trying it with someone you love. None of these are based on the tenets of logical reasoning.
Firstly, one cannot be loyal to a person they have no knowledge of. To be loyal to someone means that you act in accordance with their wishes. If you have no knowledge of someone then you have no knowledge of what their wishes are. Your future wife might wish for you to be an experienced and skilled lover. How many things have you done skillfully on your first try? How many skills have you honed sharply with only one perspective from which to critique? You might say that you only need one perspective from which to hone your skill if that is the only perspective you are trying to satisfy. This is false because that perspective, your spouse, does not know what he or she does not know. How many people have lived their lives never searching for the G-spot because they didn't know it was there? How many men and women never said to their partners "play with my anus while you fuck me" because it never occurred to them that it magnifies the sensation happening in their other genitals, and no one ever told them? How many people have never experimentation with sensory deprivation, role playing or asphyxiation? We are only the sum of our experiences and nothing more.
Second, the Bible was written by men and is not the word of God. However, the Bible is very real as a written document and it is surrounded by a context. To understand why the Bible's authors want you to save your virginity is to understand why the authors thought it worth writing. At the time the Bible was written there was no technology for contraception, and there was no reasonably safe or reliable way to abort pregnancies; therefore, having sex = making babies, every time, no matter what. It was and is in the interest of society not to have single mothers raising hoards of children on their own. It would be much better if every woman with children also had a man to share the burdens of raising children and contributing to society. If religion is seen as a tool of social control, which is exactly what it was and is, then suddenly many of God's directives and commandments make perfect sense because they just happen to be necessary for society to exist peacefully and thrive in those ancient times. The authors obviously wanted to enforce solid family units because it was to benefit society. As time changes so does the human social matrix; unfortunately, the Bible has not changed. Interpretation of the Bible changes, but there is only so much you can do to change the meaning of things otherwise stated plainly. In this particular issue, sex no longer means having children. Contraception makes the liklihood of child-making relatively low and abortion takes care of those times when contraception fails. Suddenly, two uncommitted people having sex does not lead to the destruction of society, as it would have before contraception and safe, reliable abortions. This particular tenet set forth by the bible is now out of date and no longer necessary.
Lastly, Sex for the first time is almost never gratifying for either party. It may be an overall pleasant experience, it may have a positive emotional impact, but anyone who says their first time having sex was their best sexual experience ever is either a liar, or has only had sex once. Speaking only for myself, I didn't have sex until well into adult hood and it was with someone I loved deeply. The experience was awful and she was dried out and remained unfulfilled before I stopped, unfulfilled myself. I later learned to become a very good lover indicating that my first experience is not a representation of what would be a trend for me. It's just that doing something, anything, for the first time typically is done unskillfully.
There are some good reasons not to wait for marriage.
First, sex is fun, healthy and it feels good. Both parties are engaging in a physical activity, receiving validation of their attractive worth, and getting an orgasm.
Second, becoming a good lover is something learned with experience. No amount of studying on the internet or porn-watching will prepare a person for being a sex god in bed, master of multiple body shaking orgasms. I for one plan to rock my partner's world from the first time until the day one of us dies.
Third, you are not guaranteed a wife or a future. People die and that is a fact. leaving things off until tomorrow means you take the risk of depriving yourself of that thing forever. Your only get one chance to live before you die and once you die that's it. What happens after death? Easy: it's the same thing that happens before you were formed in a test tube. Do you recall what it felt like before being born? There you go.
Last, marriage is not for everyone. Some people do not want to be married. Maybe they have attachment issues, maybe they hate the opposite sex, maybe they are not religious (marriage is a religious ritual...) or maybe they know they would be unsuitable as a spouse.
I would like to conclude by suggesting that there is only one good reason to hold off on sex (not the same as waiting for marriage): there is no way to guarantee that sex will not result in a baby other than removing or severing sexual organs completely, which is permanent and not reversible. From a female perspective, this is not a problem if you are OK with abortion and have the funds to foot the bill. From a male's perspective this makes sex a risky proposition. The decision to abort or not is not yours to make, and even if your partner claims they would abort a fetus there is no assurance they won't change their mind. You risk being legally obligation to provide financial assistance for a child for 18 years, in America. Therefore, for males, the only safe time to have sex is when you want a baby with your partner. At all other times it's a risk. This applies to married people as well. Being married =/= ready to have babies.
I'll say no, for many reasons I'll try to explain.
I don't think virginity is a thing really. A social concept maybe, but not a thing. And I don't believe society should have anything to do with what you do with your own body.
I don't think sex is that much of a big deal, but the first time you do it should be, on a personal level. I myself am a virgin atm, but I am looking forward to loosing it, and I'm not going to wait until marrige if I can help it!
Also, since marrige has come up, I really think that waiting until the wedding night is... naïve to say the least. If you marry someone you do it because you love them (I hope) and you know them like you know yourself (I hope). So why wuoldn't you want to know everything about your partner, including their sexual preferences? And your own? Seriously, what if one of you turn out to have a really far out fetish that the other is repulsed by? Smaller things can create a rift between couples. Not saying that you can't work it out, it just feels like it would cause uneccessary troubled between the "happy" couple.
I read a book where the main character said something I think explains my feelings about virginity, let's see if I can remember it...
"It was then that she realised that she was a virgin. She had slept with many men throughout her life, but she had never once made love."
Not an exact quote, but good enough. My point is, it's you and your partner who makes it special, not your previous experiences of lack therof.
Captcha: Do it now! xD
I don't think virginity is a thing really. A social concept maybe, but not a thing. And I don't believe society should have anything to do with what you do with your own body.
I don't think sex is that much of a big deal, but the first time you do it should be, on a personal level. I myself am a virgin atm, but I am looking forward to loosing it, and I'm not going to wait until marrige if I can help it!
Also, since marrige has come up, I really think that waiting until the wedding night is... naïve to say the least. If you marry someone you do it because you love them (I hope) and you know them like you know yourself (I hope). So why wuoldn't you want to know everything about your partner, including their sexual preferences? And your own? Seriously, what if one of you turn out to have a really far out fetish that the other is repulsed by? Smaller things can create a rift between couples. Not saying that you can't work it out, it just feels like it would cause uneccessary troubled between the "happy" couple.
I read a book where the main character said something I think explains my feelings about virginity, let's see if I can remember it...
"It was then that she realised that she was a virgin. She had slept with many men throughout her life, but she had never once made love."
Not an exact quote, but good enough. My point is, it's you and your partner who makes it special, not your previous experiences of lack therof.
Captcha: Do it now! xD