Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted but it causes you to become incredibly depressed.

I wish for an end to all human suffering.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it causes the Earth to suffer before it dies from natural depression...

I wish parents did understand!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, now they're overprotective

I wish I had Assassin memorabilia

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, if you touch them, you die... literally, despite them being cheap replicas...

I wish Boneless gave me the key!

 

[Dalek Caan]

Granted, the key snaps in the lock.

I wish Tali was my waifu.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, I steal your identity and now she's my waifu! *evil laugh*

I wish I could pierce the heavens with my drill!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, now the sky is literally falling

I wish I had Christopher Lee's golden gun

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, the gun shoots you dead before you can even touch it...

I wish I was a jazz musician with an alibi!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

The police see right through your alibi and arrest you. so now you are a jazz musician in prison.

I wish chocolate was low calorie and bacon was heart healthy.

 

[FPLOON]

Grated, you take up a diet of just chocolate and bacon and end up dying of meaty diabetes...

I wish the pot was cold!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, so is the casserole inside it

I wish I had a collection of Heavy Metal T-Shirts

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, they only display the band Babymetal on every single T-Shirt...

I wish I was on Family Feud!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

It get's the lowest ratings of all time and the show is immediately cancelled afterward

I wish I was a Kung Fu Master.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, your legs file for a restraining order for inappropriate feeling... Say goodbye to you legs!

I wish I could write your future!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, mine will be better than yours

I wish I could fight crime Assassin's Creed style

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you will forever glitch out upon your launch into the crime-fighting circuit...

I wish the Into The Woods movie was better adaptation!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, but then it gets a terrible TV adaptation

I wish I could death growl

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, the growl causes your death...

I wish my fan was cleaner!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, it cleans by spinning so fast it flies off and embeds into something

I wish I could jetpack everywhere

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

Granted, did you know jetpacks were submersible?


Anyway.
I wish my cosplay turns out a success.