Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[Barbas]

Granted. You are now on fire.

I wish I had a satellite.

 

[tilmoph]

Granted. It is hurtling towards your house as we speak.

I wish I owned a fully operational battlestation.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, due to the laws of Michael Bay, it must be blown up inconsistently...

I wish I looked stylish on the catwalk!

 

[PiPPUMAX]

Granted! the cat's walk stylsiher! D:

I wish for my old profile back! ( I do not) xD

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it's own by the Koch brothers... and they would want their money now or they'll break your legs first...

I wish there was a British version of American Crime!

 

[tilmoph]

Granted, but it's literally the exact same episodes but with a picture of the Queen wearing a BBC hat in the bottom corner

I wish I had a magic carpet

 

[Bizzaro Stormy]

Granted. It's magically glued to the floor.

I wish for a Rube Goldberg Breakfast Machine.

 

[Dalek Caan]

Granted, the breakfast it makes is laced with cyanide.

I wish for my pet dog Jack to live as long as I will.

 

[tilmoph]

Granted. Mind that asteroid... oops, should've said that sooner.

I wish I didn't have a headache.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted! *puts explosives in your head* Just give it a few seconds...

I wish to not be a menace in South Central while drinking juice in the hood!

 

[Bizzaro Stormy]

Granted! You have been arrested for being drunk in public.

I wish for the intuition to always know the right decision.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it's only right to them, but never for humanity at large...

I wish to have the moves like Jagger!

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted but another player gets jealous and kills you for stealing his girl on the dance floor.

I wish for a faster processor for this little computer.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it will overheat, catch on fire, and blow up your living quarters...

I wish to win the next rap battle!

 

[tilmoph]

Granted, pity your opponent is a (heavily-armed) sore loser.

I wish to appoint the next President. Of any and all countries with Presidents.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, they must be a wacky, inflatable, arm-waving tube person...

I wish I could teach someone how to dougie!

 

[tilmoph]

Granted, they hate you for teaching them this for the rest of their lives.

I wish I didn't Google every word I didn't know.

 

[Bizzaro Stormy]

Granted, you feel the need to only look up words you do know and lose countless man-hours to this habit.

I wish for a nice juicy steak.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it's made out of a nice juice substitute... Bottoms up, I say!

I wish I could shoot a fish full of barrels!

 

[tilmoph]

Granted. Sadly it's size is far too great for small arms fire to be effective.

I wish I had a killdozer.