Say something to an inanimate object.

[DJ_DEnM]

Well, I remember constantly hitting/crashing into/stubbing my toe against doors, so...

FUCK YOU DOORS. YOU'RE STUPID.

Something along that line would work.

 

[s0p0g]

Dear stuff,

all you guys (and girls, of course) know what you mean to me, as we talk often - still, let's make it public: all of you rock in your own way!

I'd also like to embrace this opportunity and thank a very special something which does its unthankful job each and every day, never complains, but gets way too much appreciation for it - my toilet; you are an awesome invention (together with all the stuff that comes after you)

Thank you all for your loyal service over all these years.

Sincerely,
s0p0g

 

[waj9876]

Dear counterfeit 100$ bill. Fuck you.

 

[Baralak]

Dear Fleshlight,

It's that time again, hehehe

 

[Lt._nefarious]

Dear bed

You're big enough to masturbate in but small enough so as I'm not comfortable sleeping in you afterwords and that is why I love you.

P.S. I'm leaving you for the swively chair.

Yours sincerely, Me.