So, my family basically thinks I am a loser

[lettucethesallad]

I think they sound concerned rather than thinking you're a loser. Maybe they feel you're overworking yourself? Maybe they're not sure how school is affecting your social life? To go from going out a lot to staying in may seem like a natural transition to you, but to them they may not have seen the change coming, and are worried that it may have other causes than you _wanting_ to stay in.

Could it possibly be your insecurities that make you believe that they think you're a loser? The whole 'I used to do that when I was his age' thing is probably just a parent's way to try to relate - they go by personal experience. But since people are all different, and people change in preferences, then it may be hard for them to understand that you're content this way and are worried that you might be unhappy. And if you have a low sense of self esteem, chances are that they've noticed it and are concerned about that too.

Family can really suck at times, but are you sure you've looked at it from the right angle?

 

[Hazzaslagga]

I haven't quite experienced it myself, bar looks i get from my mother when I say I can't be bothered to go out, but I can somewhat relate to it. I find going out to bars and things with friends fairly tedious(damn social life) but do love a good house party. You're not required to have a job at 17 for starters, though most do. Your dad and sister just sound like they think you should be doing what they were doing at your age because it's strange and wrong to do it differently so i'd just ignore it.

 

[DanDanikov]

You sound a lot like myself, at least a while back; I think it's a misperception. You do have friends and acquaintances at college, plus you have friends online as well. Not everyone perceives those as equal to 'real life' friends, and many people value quantity over quality. It's a lot easier these days to stay in touch with non-local people and have fulfilling contact with them.

Also, what was said was said with the belief that you didn't hear it, and I'm not sure they'd have put it the same way if they directed it at you. I think it's more that they care and that they think that you're missing out. It didn't sound like they were making fun of you at all.

You don't need sympathy, but you do need a kick up the backside. You're at college, you've got these things, and yet you're complaining about a lack of self-esteem and seeing everything in a terribly negative light. I don't think I ever truly appreciated everything I had until I went through a long bout of depression and hit rock bottom, but I certainly don't think everyone has to go through that, nor do I think you're anywhere near that. I do think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and appreciate what is there, what is going right for you. It also might be worthwhile bringing up that you overheard things- not to berate them for it, but to take a little pride in what you do have and defend yourself. They don't have to understand you, but they shouldn't think less of you for being different, and I think you should be happy enough with your life as it is, so that should be enough for them.

As for actually being happy enough with your life, that's your own battle to fight. Self-esteem isn't something you can win for other people- all they can do is validate what you feel about yourself. Only you can decide what those feelings are and that will be entirely independent from what others may think.

 

[FuktLogik]

No one is born a doormat. You have to become one through years of avoiding conflict and not standing up for yourself. Grow a pair and tell your family to shut the fuck up. Your currently going to college to set yourself up for the future? Then the job situation shouldn't be an issue. You don't like hanging out and getting smashed? So what? It's cheaper. Expanding your social circle is important, but I found that I had way less court dates and other trouble once I started staying the hell away from town and went out hunting, or camping for fun instead of handing out in clubs and bars until some prick inevitably took a swing at me and forced my hand.

 

[kayisking]

this is going to be quite a long, erm, kind of down post, so if you are not a fan, click away.


quick profile of me just to put it in perspective:

i did used to go out a lot when i was like 13-16 with my high school friends, hell i would even go as far to say i was popular, but im now 17 attending college studying games development with like 13 other people, most of which are nerds like myself, and i have left all my high school friends behind except my best friend, who does the same course as me.

My college is far away from where i live, so it's difficult to go out with my friends from college due to cost of getting to where they live etc, plus i dont even like going out drinking, or going out at all really, i prefer staying at home watching a movie or playing some online games with friends

I have always been somewhat shy around new people and dont really show my real self until i have been friends with the person for a long time, this has become much more of an issue the older i have got, i have next to no self esteem, and because of this, i dont go out much.


Main Thread:

Anyway, i was downstairs watching TV, and i hear my mum and dad and sister talking about me in the garden, i muted the TV so i could eavesdrop (not a good thing i know)

i basically heard my dad saying that i should be out having fun, going out on the town etc with my friends, and my sister agreeing with him

My mum tries to defend me, but in a shitty way, saying "well he doesnt have many friends anymore, he left them when he finished high school, he doesnt keep in touch"

Then my Dad is like, "well why not, i used to go out all the time with my friends when i was his age"

this basically went on for like 10 minutes, both of them basically saying i am a no life loser with no job or money etc

now to be fair, i havnt really been avidly looking for a job, mainly due to me being not so good with the whole meeting new people because i have no self esteem, and i know i should, but i have been to some interviews and i just get all nervous and fidgety etc.

now i am fine with not going out getting drunk etc, its not my thing, and dont get me wrong, i love my parents, they have provided for me, and gotten me lots of nice stuff, and i am super grateful for that, but it isn't nice to hear your parents basically think your a loser


now im not looking for sympathy, because to be frank, i hate it, i just wrote this because i needed to vent a bit.

So has anything like this ever happened to any of you? is anyone here like me? (i know there are probably loads of people that have had similar experiences, if you're one of them, lets hear your story)

Just remeber one thing, and one thing only. It's the losers that rule the world.

 

[Mr Fatherland]

No offence intended, but it does sound to me like you need to... Man up. Instead of making excuses actually go out. Do you have a dog? Take it for a walk. I took my dog for a walk this week and returned a smile from a pretty girl and had a chat with a friendly old man. Going outside can do wonders. Go to the local music club or bar with your friend and buy a drink. Just being around other people can make you feel better.

 

[Julianking93]

Huh. Your family sounds like my mine only my dad tells me I'm a loser to my face.
I don't have many (any) friends but I study and keep to myself for the most part.
Because I'm not socially active, going out getting into trouble, I'm apparently the loser.
Makes perfect sense.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that your family sucks. Horrid knowing that but really... what are you gonna do? Not much you can do in terms of arguing if it's only going to escalate.
Don't let it bother you and just try to be okay with the way you are, which you sound like you're already doing, so props to ya.
Though, maybe they don't really think you're a loser, just think that you should be more social and that they're concerned, but I know that doesn't really help. It's still shitty to think that you should do something different if you're okay with who you are.
And the way your mum defended you and just the general conversation (if it really was concern) is just backhanded, so they can go get fucked.

 

[veloper]

Everything sounds fine there.

You're going to college, so you don't have time.
A sensible parent would have been happy knowing you're putting your future before short term gratifications.

 

[Fooz]

If your parents are happy with who you are......youve done something terribly wrong.

So good job comrade, i say we stick together and put down the last generation. What did they do that was so great. 70's 80's.... puhlease... forget them

this made me laugh. cheers haha

 

[JMeganSnow]

So has anything like this ever happened to any of you? is anyone here like me? (i know there are probably loads of people that have had similar experiences, if you're one of them, lets hear your story)

Eh, my parents would refrain from saying it aloud, and from what I can tell they mostly think I'm mentally ill.

Seriously, though, just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to respect their judgment about your "loser" status. Instead, stay focused on your long-term success and they'll be convinced you're totally not a loser when you're self-supporting. Then they'll start harassing your sister about the lack of grandkids.

 

[Fooz]

-snip-

if i came off as seeing in negative light, i do apologise, it wasnt my intention, to be honest, i am pretty lucky, and i am enjoying life, i like what i do, i have an awesome PC, i have a car (i bought it with the money my gran left me when she died), i live in a nice house etc

its just i felt a bit disheartened by what they said, thanks for the advice though

 

[G96 Saber]

Wow, your exactly like me, but further forward in the cycle, i hope i can dodge it... but probably not.

 

[Scarim Coral]

I can assure you, you are not the only one. Believe it or not your situation is almost similar to my-
Due to the recession I had not successful at finding a job so I'm living with my parent in a far away town. Like you I don't have many friends however I cut ties with anyone I know from High School (my ex friends were jerks) but I keep touch my three closest friends from University (I don't keep in touch with the other uni classmates). While my friends are miles away from here, I often visit them back at the city but not all the time (I have to endure a 2 hours train ride but it worth it to see my friends). Also like you I am antisocial.
Anyway while my parent had not exactly talk behind my back (althought I sometime over hear them being concern for lack of finding a job but they talk loud anyway) they often nag me about being more social and should try to make more friend (they say I should keep in touch with my high school friends). Heck even twice they had said to my face that I'm boring not in a insulting way (but I did find it very insulting). Heck even my brother (who is the opposite of me) also said the same thing to be more social.

So here my thought on the whole situation-
Screw them!!! So is it to say that we all must lead that sort of life? While I'm not saying being more social is bad but no one should say our lifestyle should be frown upon. We shouldn't be define by other people prefer social life over to ours. So I say take pride of your current lifestyle and appreciate the small things to it like e.g. at least I got good quality friends over to quantity and by being indoor your not going to get mugged or get drunk etc.
If it does bother you about the back talk then I guess confront it to them if you want to or just leave it.

 

[HDi]

I'm not usually a huge giver of advice, but one thing that I would suggest is to be assertive. If you confront the people who's opinions you want to change, then the simple act of speaking up about it should work in your favour. I'm not saying you should get all aggressive and belligerent, just be open and honest. Let them know that you're happy being who you are.

If, on the other hand, you aren't happy, then that's something you should probably try to address. And talking it through with people who care about you could be a way to initiate that.

See where this is going?

Obviously, I could be way off the mark here, but it seems that you would like for the situation to change. I'm pretty sure that you're the only one who is likely to change it in any way that you're gonna be comfortable with.

Good luck dude.

 

[hawkeye52]

kind of in the same situation here

 

[DocBalance]

And you give a shit why?

I stopped craving my parents acceptance or approval around the age of 10. They don't dig what I do all the time, but they care and that's all I really look for. They probably think I'm a loser for most of what I do, and it would be charitable to say my dad is unsupportive of my chosen vocation, but I don't really care. I love 'em, but they aren't my source of validation. I suggest you take the same attitude.

 

[Alphavillain]

Unfortunately, as someone who suffers much the same problems as the TC and is also considerably older than you and many of the other people here, lack of self-confidence gets worse and worse the older you get unless you deal with it.

I've discovered the hard way that shyness is seen as cute in a very young man, but when you get older people start to disrespect you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to find a positive way to deal with it ASAP.

 

[AbstractJuggler]

The thread title makes it sound like your family is a bunch of assholes, but from the quotes it's clear they're just concerned.

Just what I was about to say. They aren't going "Oh he's such a loser, I'm embarrassed he's my son, he doesn't have any friends, yadda yadda yadda", they just seem to think that something might be happening/have happened to you. They're just concerned about your social life. Admittedly it's something that most people want their parents to stay the hell away from, but in your case it doesn't seem like they actually have a problem with what you're doing, just that they would be doing it/did it differently. As for the job thing, that also just seems like they're looking out for their family, I mean if someone in my immediate family didn't have a job at your age, I would be a little worried for them as they wouldn't have had any/much experience by the time they're older and looking for one to pay bills/rent/etc. Also, you've got to remember that parents are funny things; they're old and they see almost everything in a different light than their children. It may appear to one person that they're saying something that may offend or irritate someone, but to them it's perfectly acceptable.

 

[TerribleAssassin]

It'll happen to me soon, I can feel it, but I pray it won't.


And you'll be fine, shit happens, just gotta pull through it!

 

[EternalFacepalm]

What they say or think about you shouldn't matter - you are yourself, and if that's who you want to be, continue to be that person.
Not to be offensive here, but your dad sounds like an idiot; he seems intolerant of anyone differing from how he acted "back when he was your age."

Just ignore them. That's the only thing you can do.