Ten Movies That Will Never Be

[Ryu-Kage]

1. So, if this person doesn't join the Civil Rights movement due to some white evil or white goody-goody, why does he or she join? Is it a collection of little things that make the status quo too much to bare? Or is this person just swept up in the excitement or looking for a cause to rebel? There must be some reason, however petty.

2. Okay, thank you for the tasteful character description (no, I actually mean it), but what's the conflict of the movie?

3. Now this one I like. Why don't more movies cut out America's not-entirely-overarching presence in everything ever? Just make sure said conflict is interesting.

4. Some people are saying that this movie has been done, but it would be kind of awesome to see somebody pretentious (like Holden Caufield or even orphan Annie) get slapped in the face by the dark side of reality.

5. This would also make a pretty good premise if you do the right kind of experiment. But (and I cannot stress this enough DON'T. SPOIL. THE. ENDING. IN. THE. TRAILERS. OR. TV. ADS!

6. Interesting character study, though I'm sure there would be people disgusted in the way some people (*cough*dad*cough*) were turned off Captain America by the cheesy propaganda part.

7. Again, there's no story here. We should have a world for these characters to operate in.

8. This... would probably end up as a comedy. It sounds like a sketch that would be on Robot Chicken. But with less killing.

9. This one... I don't know. How does this one work? Would it work by reviving the religious man at the end of the film? Or would he die and be revived in the first act to live his newfound reverence for life throughout the rest of the movie?

10. I am concerned this might be like certain crappy 80s and 90s movies involving mythic heroes coming to the present (like Masters of the Universe or Beastmaster 2). Otherwise, copypaste #8.

Some of these do sound like they could work as movie pitches, but the good ones could use a TON of fleshing out. You probably didn't mean these are actual movie pitches and are just venting, but some of these could actually work. Others, not so much. Just flesh them out a bit.

 

[OniYouji]

Some ideas were inventive and neat, others were...absolutely horrible and mean-spirited. Seriously, YIKES.

 

[chronobreak]

An overly bitter film critic writes scathing reviews and rants for a website, and then gets contacted by a major studio to make his own vision of what a movie should be. He writes a cliched over-produced expensive action movie that makes millions and completely forgets who he once was once faced with the fruits of his labor.

 

[Kimarous]

1) Sounds interesting enough.

2) As many have said before, what's the conflict?

3) Watch a film taking place pre-Columbus sometime.

4) Okay, this one I'd pay to see.

5) Not strong enough to carry a film in and of itself. Furthermore, most people who would do the whole "meddling in God's domain" argument are fundamentalists. Believe it or not, Bob, but not ALL religious people are fundamentalists who don't have an open mind.

6) *snore* Yeah, yeah. Politics are dirty, blah blah. Go watch "House of Cards" sometime.

7) That's a character concept, not a film pitch.

8) Cliche story with a twist ending is still a cliche story. Pass.

9) Bull. Crap. You clearly have NO idea what "religiously devout" people do. If that happened, said "religiously devout" person is likely to come up with some reasoning in their mind as to why that happened on their own (like, say, simply concluding it wasn't their time), or consult a spiritual leader or maybe someone else who had the same experience. They would not just go "Well, guess God isn't real then," if that is what you are implying. Somebody having a brief clinical death and having a bit of a spiritual crisis ultimately results in them improving their life might make for an okay film, but the way you pitched it, it's a load of crap.

10) And then in the final twist, his people reject him and his efforts for selling out!

 

[Redd the Sock]

Hmmm. too much snark for a light comedic piece. Not enough snark for it to bounce back to being funny. At least I hope you're trying to be funny here because the only thing more tiedious than heavy handed moral cliches is heavy handed attempts to counter the cliche.

Though I think number 4 could work in a Shawshank Redemption kind of way.

 

[Eternal_Lament]

Well, lets start from the top shall we?

1) as far as movies that would be interesting to see this certainly takes that position. But heres where the problem lies: because this is set in a specific era, the non-inclusion of white characters (I'm assuming by your description that none of the main character's allies or enemies are white) seems a little odd. If there is no one oppressing them in a cartoonishly villanous way and there is no one giving them a helping hand who is able to do so without getting in trouble, then what pray tell leads them to this course of action? It seems like you came up with a setting and mentioned that there would be no previous tropes instead of actually coming up with a story that would drive the movie, which you sort of need in this kind of movie unless it was a documentary or docu-drama.

2) so all you really did here was come up with either a) a character description for a character in a movie we know nothing about, or b) a character description for the main star of a TV show. Seriously, it has been mentioned before, but no conflict just means no interest.

3) this was already done technically with Braveheart, or for something at least more modern Defiance. At the same time, since movies like this already exist overseas or from the American Indie scene, is it really up to Hollywood to get in on this when someone else is already providing?

4) besides the obvious flaw that people who commit acts of pety nuisance aren't put in the same cell as someone who has sold drugs or killed someone (assuming thats what you mean by dangerous behaviour and assuming that the justice system isn't that screwed up) this sounds more like a TV pitch rather than a movie pitch, since it seems like it would be overttly difficult to flm all of that in 2 hours without making some serious cuts, which would only serve to hamper the film.

5) as mentioned earlier this one would only really work if the twist was not revealed in the trailers or previews, otherwise the entire point of the movie would be lost. If anything the movie would have to be advertised as the usual "Those who travel to far in God's Domain will bring only pain to the world", otherwise the entire message would be mute. Unfortunately then it runs into the issue of being just another M. Night Shamalan "What-A-Twist!" kind of movie, which would just piss people off.

6) just seems anti-climactic too me, "I saw my boss, possibly the next leader of the free world, do something I find distasteful! You know what I should do......absolutely nothing, almost as if it never happened and as if the actual indiscrection had no meaning or wasn't really that bad to begin with!". Besides, that's sort of a fucked up message "Who cares if the guy is an asshole and probably isn't actually suitable for the job, he parrots what I think and say so he's got my vote and support!" No matter the job, no matter the intentions, its a plain fact of life that asshole bosses ruin everything.

7) like #2, interesting character description and possible premise for a show, but where's the actual plot and conflict? Was this just not high on your list of importance or was this just a throw-a-way at the last minute?

8) just seems like Bob venting here in some ways:

Neighbour that used to bully Bob: Hey Bob, want to come over? Me and the wife are having a BBQ, it would be great to have you over!
Bob: No! I hate you and everything your life led to!
Neighbour: Look, I'm still sorry I bullied you, I was a real jerk then, and I don't mind you don't want to come over, but you don't have to be rude about it.
Bob: Huh, right. Why don't you just sit there with all your little idiot buddies and waste your life away while I have the more intelluctualy fufilling life and actually be useful to society.
Neighbour:....Well if you want to be by yourself with no one to confide in or enjoy being with I guess that's your choice, but we'll still have a plate ready in case you want to join.
Bob:.....Gosh, what a jerk. He shouldn't even vote.

It also sounds like the exact plot to Hut Tub Time Machine "Hey, weren't the 80's great! Wouldn't it be amazing to relieve it?" (Several hours later) "Fuck, the 80's suck ass, why the hell did we think they were awesome!?"

9) seeing as most accident victims whose heart stops are technically dead for a few minutes anyways, I don't think the guy in this case would be dead long enough to experience the "Light at the end of the tunnel" vissions, and as such it would be expected that nothing would happen anyways. Furthermore, if this guys was so spiritually devout that their life is run by this devotion, this means either a) this guy has nothing else really going for him, and I highly doubt him losing his faith would transform him into some free and happy person "snap" just like that, and b) even if he was the type of person where that would happen, he obviously wasn't that devout that he abondons everything he's believed in his entire life because of "one" event without even considered altering his beliefs just a bit to compensate before just giving it all up. Either way, this guy is either the most easily swayed person on Earth or the biggest walking cliche that ever existed.

10) because immeadiatly introducing modern tech to culture's that haven't come that far yet is always the best course of action, evolution of culture and suitable progression be damned! But seriously, seems like a bummer ending, because once the guy returns the modern tech it will only last so long before the village can't use anything to get more of the tech, leading to a generally lessened quality of life when the village is unable to use their previous methods of survival out of forgetfulness or lack of teaching to the newer generation, which will probably be around the same point they realise that the one thing that brought them happiness and a place in the world, the artifact, is no longer even theirs. The main character here actually sounds like he is actually the main villan and just fucked his village over.

 

[Elf Defiler Korgan]

What an excellent bit of defiance against hollywood logics and repeated trends.

 

[mesoforte]

God that was pretentious. You aren't being creative Bob, you're just taking the same tired stereotypes and adding "AN UNEXPECTED TWIST" to them. Frankly I wouldn't want to see them made because I'm sure Hollywood would just make them as boring and plastic as the standard UNTWISTED stereotypes.

It's a mockery of how the system perpetuates the same stories over and over again that are usually wrong or have a logical fault that makes you wonder about the minds of who make them.

In sum: It's satire.

Serious people have ruined the internet. So let me explain to you the joke about common stories in movies for each one.

"A young man (or woman) of African-American descent living in the segregated South in the early 1960s joins the burgeoning Civil Rights movement, embarking on a life-changing journey during one of the most tumultuous and triumphant periods in recent American history. Amazingly, they do so entirely of their own volition - needing neither the excessive evil of a singular white villain or the enlightened nudging of a white savior/mentor to spur them to action."

Most movies like this insert that white character because it makes the people making it feel less guilty.

"A portrait of a young gay man making his way through his life and career in the early 21st Century. In a shocking twist, he is not employed in the fashion or music industry, has a best friend who is not a high-strung narcissistic young woman who regards him as a "girlfriend," has a healthy relationship with his parents, and has many, many conversations involving topics other than body issues, workout regimens, trendy foods, clothes shopping and other things that heterosexual movie writers assume are all that gay people talk about."

This is pointing out that the consumer base in general don't understand gays outside of a narrowly defined lifestyle that doesn't merge with reality.

"A poor citizen of a small, war-torn nation rises up to fight against the forces of chaos in the region; hoping to bring some semblance of order for his family, friends and country. He does this without seeking or receiving help from a visiting American hero - in fact, there are no Americans are involved on either side, nor does anyone mention Americans or offer up any strong opinions "for" or "against" America ... it is possible that this is due to America not being the center of everyone's universe."

This is pointing out that Hollywood in general regards its customers are only concerned in foreign affairs that regard the US in some way.

"An angry, directionless young man rebels against the stifling conformity of his comfortable upper-middle-class suburban existence by aligning himself with an anarchic/underground art/music/sport culture that includes acts of petty public nuisance. He is arrested and sent to prison where - in a shocking twist - he meets many people who've faced actual hardships and lived truly dangerous lives, which shames him into realizing how lucky his spoiled, entitled ass has been the whole time."

Points out that we have a mythos about personal problems in different strata and don't understand that there are people much worse off.

"A brilliant scientist is conducting a radical experiment that brazenly defies societal taboos and moral boundaries. Some say he is a genius ... others say he will bring ruin by tampering in God's Domain! As the minutes count down and results are unveiled ... it turns out that the 'tampering in God's domain' folks were 100% wrong! He was right, the experiment was a success and the results will help untold millions of people and make the world a far better place."

Points out that there is a large amount of science hate.

"An idealistic campaign staffer for a popular Presidential candidate has their idealism shaken to the core when it is discovered that the candidate, while still a sincere proponent of all the causes and policies that led the staffer to join the campaign in the first place, has committed various moral indiscretions that violate the staffer's personal code of right and wrong. After a dark period of deep, introspective soul searching ... the staffer decides to continue supporting the candidate anyway - because this is the real world where a leader's 'niceness' or 'good intentions' don't mean jack squat if they're going to support wrongheaded policies."

Most movies portray the opposite of this (ie the person would do something about it, big feel good at the end.) This is contrary to how most people operate.

"Portrait of a man (or woman) of Asian descent living and working in the early 21st century. They have a series of escapades leading to sundry moments of personal growth ... none of which involve high-level computer hacking, superhuman mathematics skills, mastery of the martial arts or stereotypically strict, tradition bound parents. Also, his/her skills at speaking English are flawless, naturalistic and do not involved inexplicable lapses into heavily accented hip-hop slang."

Asians are often stereotyped in movies.

"A wealthy and successful person working at the top of their game in a competitive, glamorous industry approaching middle age is visited by a magical being who offers them the chance to experience how their life would've turned out if they'd eschewed professional ambition and instead 'settled down' and lived a 'normal' middle class life. After a series of adventures involving diaper changes, barbecues, comically obscure automotive repair kerfluffles and quaint small town traditions ... they leave the fantasy more sure than ever that that particular life is sooooo not for them, and that not holding it as some kind of wish dream ideal does not mean they are somehow 'broken' psychologically."

Points out the mythos of the particular perfect family life that is presented by some cultures. Points out that the negative effect of this mythos and the psychological stress caused by this mythos is untrue and unwarranted respectively.

"A man of spiritually devout persuasion is critically injured in a terrible car accident. Though he is brought to the hospital in time for doctors to save his life, his injuries are such that he is actually 'dead' for several minutes on the operating table, during which time he experiences ... nothing. No tunnel, no light, no angles, no dead pals, nothing. In a shocking twist, his newfound sense that the life he has is quite definitely all there is does not turn him into a bitter nihilist, but rather spurs him to become an infinitely better, freer and happier person who's determined to make the most of whatever time he has."

Points out that anyone not a believer in some thing is viewed negatively, and everything in that person's live is considered negative.

"When crooked thieves steal an ancient religious artifact from a primitive rural village, their greatest warrior must travel for the first time to the strange and unfamiliar world of The Big City to retrieve it. He fights many, many elaborate battles and succeeds in locating and defeating the sinister thieves, but ultimately does not bring back The Artifact. Instead, he discovers that in 'The Big City' people do not die constantly from common germs and minor injuries as they do in his primitive rural village on account of having access to modern medicine, health-standards and communication. He then sells the damn artifact at a huge profit so as to bring life saving medicine, superior farming equipment, food and a phone/internet connection to his people."

Points out that the myth of the noble savage[footnote]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_savage[/footnote] (hah, I remember that[footnote]Rosseau I think: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Jacques_Rousseau[/footnote]) is baseless and is way overused by people who don't understand how hard life can be without all the nice stuff.

 

[Jenx]

I'd watch the one about the young black man/woman joining the civil rights movement. Sounds interesting. The rest - eh, way too preachy.

 

[BanicRhys]

You know why these will never be made? Because they pretty much all sound like total bores.

 

[Erja_Perttu]

I'd definitely go see the last one - only if it didn't have Jackie Chan in it though.

If you haven't seen it yet, that's almost the exact plot of Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior. He doesn't sell the sacred MacGuffin at the end though, but he does wreck many, many people's shit in a very brutal fashion along the way. Full contact fighting too. The acting and writing is....well, pretty crappy, but nobody watches action porn for Oscar caliber performances. It's definitely worth checking out.

Curiously enough, I'm quite a fan of Tony Jaa - The Warrior King/The Protector is my favourite. A whole movie based around the line 'Where's my elephant?' I'm in!

I guess the difference is that the ending of 'hey, selling this could bring new medicines and technologies to my impoverished village!' is there. It'd be an interesting premise rather than, I just want my macguffin back.

 

[Father Tunde]

Well, apart from not being set entirely in the 21st century, the second one could be the life of Stephen Fry.

 

[viranimus]

When I read this All I could think about was this on a 10 minute loop.

Seriously I really dont get it. Have you already fallen into the pit of Sherman? What is the point of being a critic if all you see is bad.

I do not get critics. It is as if they start getting hung up on negatives to the point that is the only thing they can see, unless it conflicts with their sense of nostalgia.

Really if you cant do the job with some degree of positivity (As well attacking things for no other reason than you dont like/agree with them) then why even bother doing it in the first place? Life is too short to do something that does not bring you happiness, and its fairly obvious if your stuck focusing on the negative like this, then you cant be happy doing it.

 

[Yamato-san]

"A wealthy and successful person working at the top of their game in a competitive, glamorous industry approaching middle age is visited by a magical being who offers them the chance to experience how their life would've turned out if they'd eschewed professional ambition and instead 'settled down' and lived a 'normal' middle class life. After a series of adventures involving diaper changes, barbecues, comically obscure automotive repair kerfluffles and quaint small town traditions ... they leave the fantasy more sure than ever that that particular life is sooooo not for them, and that not holding it as some kind of wish dream ideal does not mean they are somehow 'broken' psychologically."

oh god, this is definitely a stab at The Family Man, isn't it? Yeah, I wasn't really fond of that movie either. On another note, that guardian angel (or whatever he was) guy had to be one of the biggest assholes I've seen in any media: the main character helps him, then he rips him out of his life, drops him into a reality where he has a family, rightfully causing him to run out of the house, and then he explains things without even freezing time or some shit that DOESN'T cause him to come home to a wife reacting over the fact that he just now really did run out on them and it had to be on Christmas morning (I might have some details off though, it's been a while since I watched it).

 

[MatsVS]

Really if you cant do the job with some degree of positivity (As well attacking things for no other reason than you dont like/agree with them) then why even bother doing it in the first place? Life is too short to do something that does not bring you happiness, and its fairly obvious if your stuck focusing on the negative like this, then you cant be happy doing it.

Because, apparently, in order to be happy working as a critic, you need to close your eyes and ignore all the glaring faults within your chosen medium. Yeah, real fucking constructive.

 

[k-ossuburb]

Lol. No angles.

Well that settles things, I knew that angles were a myth, or am I just being obtuse?

 

[honestdiscussioner]

Okay, I read this:

"A young man (or woman) of African-American descent living in the segregated South in the early 1960s joins the burgeoning Civil Rights movement, embarking on a life-changing journey during one of the most tumultuous and triumphant periods in recent American history. Amazingly, they do so entirely of their own volition - needing neither the excessive evil of a singular white villain or the enlightened nudging of a white savior/mentor to spur them to action."

and got a great idea:

"A young man (or woman) of Caucasian descent living in the segregated South in the 1960's sees the suffering and injustice done by whites against blacks. (S)he decides to do something about it, and help out these poor black folks, but every idea she has they've already implemented, and every single motivating speech to get them moving is pointless, as they had no intention of backing down at that point to begin with."

"Okay, why don't we all get together and march in the middle of town, peacefully, without violence, and show the world that you are all people just like them!"

"You mean like the march we already have planned for tomorrow? Don't you see all the signs we already made, there's like, five of them right next to you. In fact, you're sitting on one and breaking it".

"Right, right . . just like that. Now come on, don't give up. Don't let those people get you down . . you can do it!"

"Yeah . . we know . . none of us have said anything about quitting yet. Can . . . can we get back to eating dinner, we have to get some rest for the march tomorrow."

 

[BrotherRool]

I'm pretty sure several of those movies have come out.

Apart from that, I don't know what I can say? That was really just a list of ten take thats about things you hate and disagree with in the world. Some are just, some probably aren't. Some show our unrealistic expectations of life others ignore blatant statistical facts. If I respond I'd feel like I'm rising to troll bait