The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess-- Dropping the Bombshell

[loremazd]

*shrug* I just don't see how you can make a point about a theme of pedophilia at all, nor do I remember a single reference to Links age at all in the game. In fact, I'm gonna call you out on the age thing. He's been young in other games, but in this one he's the adult link, and as tall or taller than any of the adult males in the game. To claim "there's this really creepy pedophilic and zooiphalic undertone that pervades the game's atmosphere" you kinda need a more substantial base than a goofy picture of midna riding on a wolf. She smacks the wolf to make him run, not to spank him as a reward, it's pretty fucking obvious that you made it juvenile.

The plot points in the game are simplistic, explained once, and then not mentioned again. He turns into a wolf because he's the hero, and Midna explains that it's said among her people that said hero would turn into a blue eyed beast. It's arguably lame, but not nonsensical, they just chalk it up to magic and legend. You can argue that it's a dumb story, but it's easy enough to understand.

In other words, you had a decent idea for a review, and I cant fault you for disliking a game, but you added some really wierd fluff that most most people didn't see.

 

[Plurralbles]

Eh, if it wasn't so angry I would have read through it all.

Well, I'll just be sure to take your review with a grain of salt as I liked it. Finished it in 3 days and traded it in. It was a game I enjoyed mostly because of nostalgia and an actually pretty decent combat system. Overpowered, but good on the 'Cube at least.

There's things that I didn't like about it, but it was still fun to play. The character models themselves pissed me off. Ugly and stupid looking. It was like everyone was made of wood. And then the bosses were cake, the game was short, it had an inadequate story, Ganon(spoiler) haha, shows up and absolutely ruined the coolness of Zant, the horse controls were clumsy, nothing outside of the main quest was worthy of your time(fishing, running around the desert and plains and the stupid trails in a forest) and the bug finding for examples).

Had they looked at what made Ocarina so adored, Wind waker so abhored(for other reasons aside from graphical approach), and the Link of the Past loved, it would have been a much better game. They just lost sight as they tried to make it like OoT revisited and came out with, "OoT- Re- tarded"

 

[Jeronus]

Snip

I disagree with almost all of your points, but what I found most disturbing of all was the way you treated your own opinion on a game you barely played.

70%. Although nice job on not being offensive there.

First of all, the story is the one of the simplest in all of gaming history. You basically must gather weapons and powerful old relics from dungeons while at the same time defeating the evil inside which will prepare you for the final boss confrontation.

How many of said bosses are mentioned for more than a single level? Dissapearing plot points.

From what you told me, you didn't even make it far enough into the story to get a feel for it.

As near as I can tell, there was no stroy. There was a plot, to be sure, but anything resembling a story was conspicuously absent.

Secondly, you barely mention the swordplay at all. I can only gather from this that you actually enjoyed it, but enjoyed writing your hateful and ugly "review" so much that you left it out. It is a huge part of the game and some of the best moments occur when Link has a sword and shield in his hand.

It's all there in the review, pal-- I did like the swordplay.

Finally, you need to realize that your opinion isn't a fact.

Likewise.

You scream liar at other reviewers like it is impossible for anyone else to enjoy this game.

Hey kettle-- you're black!

To be honest, you came across like wannabe, know it all jerk who is commenting on a subject he really doesn't understand.

Et tu.

P.S. It feels like you are trying to imitate Yahtzee but even he realize that other people have different opinions that might be valid.

I eagerly await proof of this.

but the fighting's okay beyond that.

I said barely, but it is was so "huge" and "descriptive" that I wonder how I ever could missed it in between all those paragraphs you spew bile about the gameplay. I mean it only the game's biggest draw and a major part of the gameplay. It doesn't need more than half a sentence. Not to mention the fact that immediately after that you ask "or is it?" in bold letters right after you made that comment like you are about to take it back. Also I never called you a liar once during my comment so you are the only kettle in this discussion, pal. Isn't a plot all the things contained in a story? When the bosses die, the plot point is resolved. I don't know what you are looking for after that. Maybe you know where the monster is now so I will tell you. It is still dead. The people are happy it is dead. The end. I also don't assume my opinion is fact by saying that everyone who hates LoZ TP is lying. There are legitimate reasons not to like Twilight Princess but most of them aren't in your "review". I apologize for assuming you barely played the game. I am also sorry for calling you a wannabe know it all jerk who knows nothing on what he is commenting on. Yahtzee doesn't call other reviewers out as liars. He acknowledges their opinion instead of calling them liars. You need to realize just because you don't like something doesn't mean everyone who likes it is lying.

 

[HT_Black]

On an unrelated note: did you ever consider telling everyone else to leave my opinions alone?

People aren't attacking your opinions: you're allowed to think whatever you want. However, basing your review on such a small part of the game (nowhere near your claimed 70%) and calling anyone who disagrees with you a liar or a fanboy does call some doubt in regards to your credibility.

Also, for the umpteenth time, Midna riding Link is not a sexual image. Did you get a similar idea from when Link rides Epona? Probably not, if you have any development of the libido. You seem to be stretching for criticisms when you mention that.

Addendum-- I did indeed make the seventy percent mark, if only by hijacking my little' brother's profile in the hopes that it got better.

It didn't.

Also, for the last time:

A NUDE LADY IS STRADDLING--YES, THAT THING YOU DO IN SEX-- A TEENAGER. AS IN, HER UGLY BITS ARE BUMPIN' UP AGAINST HIM. SHE ALSO SPANKS HIM AND WHOOPS WITH GLEE. THERE IS NO IMAGINATION INVOLVED THERE. THERE IS ONLY THE OCULAR NERVE.

 

[HT_Black]

I said barely, but it is was so "huge" and "descriptive" that I wonder how I ever could missed it in between all those paragraphs you spew bile about the gameplay. I mean it only the game's biggest draw and a major part of the gameplay. It doesn't need more than half a sentence.

Not if it's important, it doesn't.

Not to mention the fact that immediately after that you ask "or is it?" in bold letters right after you made that comment like you are about to take it back.

I did take it back.

Also I never called you a liar once during my comment so you are the only kettle in this discussion, pal.

Actually, that was the entire basis of your complaints against me.

Isn't a plot all the things contained in a story?

No. I'm not sure I explained this properly , so let me have another go: Silent Hill, as in the town, is a plot. Silent Hill 2, as in the game, is the story. It's the flesh and blood of the plot: The eye of Argon had a plot, but nobody on Earth would accuse it of having a story behind it. Contrarily, the death of the comedian was the plot in Watchmen, while Rorshach's investigation is the story.

Sigh. I'll hit the thesaurus and see if I can do any better.

When the bosses die, the plot point is resolved.

Oh hey, we're gonna go destroy the one ring! Oh hey, we're at Mordor! But wait, there's ring wraiths! We ain't seen those before! We gosta kill em'! Okay, they're gone now, carry on.

Two-second plot threads are never a welcome addition.

I don't know what you are looking for after that. Maybe you know where the monster is now so I will tell you. It is still dead. The people are happy it is dead. The end. I also don't assume my opinion is fact by saying that everyone who hates LoZ TP is lying.

Okay, I'll buy it.

There are legitimate reasons not to like Twilight Princess but most of them aren't in your "review".

Hey, man! You just called me a liar! Not cool!

But I suppose you're right-- there's no reason to expect decently written story and characters, half-decent art design, or stimulating gameplay! Good point!

I apologize for assuming you barely played the game. I am also sorry for calling you a wannabe know it all jerk who knows nothing on what he is commenting on.

Well thank you-- I'm sorry for forever tainting your opinion of this game with my cries of innuendo. And you're mostly right there--I only played the first and last 30% of the game.

Yahtzee doesn't call other reviewers out as liars. He acknowledges their opinion instead of calling them liars. You need to realize just because you don't like something doesn't mean everyone who likes it is lying.

You're right-- and that makes him a better person than both of us. I was so caught up in my hatred for this game that I could only assume those people were lying, and you were so caught up in your hatred of my review that you assumed likewise.

My bad.

If you've never played a Zelda game before or since, how can you make comments such as this?

"Now add about fifty NPCs, all of whom are Navi from Ocarina of Time."

How the hell do you know who or what Navi is, or what kind of character she is? You then say:

"I never played a Zelda game before Twilight Princess; and thanks to it, I sure as Hell won't now. Ocarina of Time could be better than Portal (with included alien superpowers and treasure vault!) and I still wouldn't touch it."

So I repeat my original question. If you haven't played Ocarina of Time, how can you reference it?

Seriously, I liked the review but those OoT references are confusing beyond belief.

When a game has the highest metascore in human histroy, you're bound to hear about it-- doubly so if the supporting lead spawned half a dozen memes on her lonesome.

 

[caz105]

Snip

Aww the wittle valve fanboy doesn't comprehend the story and puzzles.
Seriously dude this is all flamebait, and before you call me a "nintentard" as you put it I'll have you know I'm a PS3 fanboy.
I can't believe your entire review of the storyline was accusing nintendo of obscure plot lines and weird sexual preferences, In fact I think I would get a better PS3 review from the screaming 12 year old portion of Halo 3's fanbase. Just admit it was over your head and leave it at that.

Aren't you cute? But seriously, I think you're lost. God of War is in the next building-- it's about your speed.
That is to say, agressive, judgemental, overly defensive, spoiling for a fight, not clever enough to look at my profile, and not discerning enough to go for Among Thieves.

You fanboy-fu is weak.

Wow way to not address any of my points. I would post some huge rant but judging by this and your other posts I might as well fill it with lukewarm copypasta and comments about your sexual orientation because you treat it as much.

 

[HT_Black]

Wow way to not address any of my points. I would post some huge rant but judging by this and your other posts I might as well fill it with lukewarm copypasta and comments about your sexual orientation because you treat it as much.

I'd answer you, but your ability to read and think at the same time was jsut cast into doubt by that reply there.

 

[DrDeath3191]

On an unrelated note: did you ever consider telling everyone else to leave my opinions alone?

People aren't attacking your opinions: you're allowed to think whatever you want. However, basing your review on such a small part of the game (nowhere near your claimed 70%) and calling anyone who disagrees with you a liar or a fanboy does call some doubt in regards to your credibility.

Also, for the umpteenth time, Midna riding Link is not a sexual image. Did you get a similar idea from when Link rides Epona? Probably not, if you have any development of the libido. You seem to be stretching for criticisms when you mention that.

Addendum-- I did indeed make the seventy percent mark, if only by hijacking my little' brother's profile in the hopes that it got better.

It didn't.

Also, for the last time:

A NUDE LADY IS STRADDLING--YES, THAT THING YOU DO IN SEX-- A TEENAGER. AS IN, HER UGLY BITS ARE BUMPIN' UP AGAINST HIM. SHE ALSO SPANKS HIM AND WHOOPS WITH GLEE. THERE IS NO IMAGINATION INVOLVED THERE. THERE IS ONLY THE OCULAR NERVE.

You did no such thing by hijacking your brother's game. You merely skipped much of it. You failed to play through enough of the game to warrant an applicable review of the title.

Midna riding on Link is not a sexual symbol: it is one of dominance. In the Twilight Realm, Midna rules over Link: Link is subserviant to Midna's will. This does not imply sexual relations of any sort: you brought that in yourself with your own overanalysis. The Twilight Realm is where Midna is in control. Thus, she rides upon those lower than her (ie, Link). Stop putting sex where it doesn't belong, and it is you putting it there. And while we're at it, if you intend to make a credible review, play through the entire game.

 

[caz105]

Wow way to not address any of my points. I would post some huge rant but judging by this and your other posts I might as well fill it with lukewarm copypasta and comments about your sexual orientation because you treat it as much.

I'd answer you, but your ability to read and think at the same time was jsut cast into doubt by that reply there.

Thanks for proving me right.

Now I'm going to leave your troll thread and read something worthwhile.

 

[HT_Black]

Addendum-- I did indeed make the seventy percent mark, if only by hijacking my little' brother's profile in the hopes that it got better.

It didn't.

Also, for the last time:

A NUDE LADY IS STRADDLING--YES, THAT THING YOU DO IN SEX-- A TEENAGER. AS IN, HER UGLY BITS ARE BUMPIN' UP AGAINST HIM. SHE ALSO SPANKS HIM AND WHOOPS WITH GLEE. THERE IS NO IMAGINATION INVOLVED THERE. THERE IS ONLY THE OCULAR NERVE.

You did no such thing by hijacking your brother's game. You merely skipped much of it. You failed to play through enough of the game to warrant an applicable review of the title.

I skipped twenty-six percent of it. Don't you dare tell me that that was the good part.

Midna riding on Link is not a sexual symbol: it is one of dominance.

She reminded me a bit of a dominatrix.

In the Twilight Realm, Midna rules over Link: Link is subserviant to Midna's will. This does not imply sexual relations of any sort: you brought that in yourself with your own overanalysis. The Twilight Realm is where Midna is in control. Thus, she rides upon those lower than her (ie, Link).

And you say I'm overanalyzing?

Stop putting sex where it doesn't belong, and it is you putting it there. And while we're at it, if you intend to make a credible review, play through the entire game.

Alright, one more time now: Put yourself in Link's shoes. Okay? Good. You're scared, in an unfamiliar land, and you're not even in your own body.

Then all of a sudden this crazy naked imp b***h jumps out of nowhere, bumps her uglies into your back, and gives you the nasty pat.

That IS NOT overanalysis. This is not radical thinking. This is not Freudian insertion.

That's a nude imp straddling a teenager. I'm not saying it's a sexual symbol mind you-- but it's sure as Hell weird, and it does have its fair share of unfortunate connotations.

In regards to your last point: Susan Arendt did her Among Thieves review when she was only a third of the way into it; John Funk still hasn't finished Demon's Souls the the best of my knowledge, and you appraised me half-cocked.I'm pretty sure the middle 26% of a game with no story can be missed.

Wow way to not address any of my points. I would post some huge rant but judging by this and your other posts I might as well fill it with lukewarm copypasta and comments about your sexual orientation because you treat it as much.

I'd answer you, but your ability to read and think at the same time was jsut cast into doubt by that reply there.

Thanks for proving me right.

Now I'm going to leave your troll thread and read something worthwhile.

What the-- you again?

I was trying to be as subtle and polite as I could, but I suppose you just didn't get it. Let me lay it out for you: you came in here with needless hostility and an invitation to go to war; you had nothing to say, yet you kept on running off at the mouth. Let me put it as plainly as I can,for your benifit:

You're not important to the discussion, you're not interested in an actual critique of the review, and you're not worth my time.

Please leave me alone, you troll.

 

[gim73]

Nice review. I personally haven't played this game, but based off what you say, it's not very zelda like at all. If I wanted to play a wolf, I would play okami. I played a little bit of Windwalker, but it felt lame as well. Back in the N64 and SNES era, the zelda games were very good. If you wanna enjoy a good zelda game, I suggest you pick up link to the past or ocarana of time. BTW, jump has never really been an option for any of the old school zelda games. They were never about platforming. Once the lock on function was introduced we were able to roll away from attacks and do leaping attacks, but pits have always been barriers in zelda games for the most part.

Somebody was complaining about final fantasy not being final even though it has 12 titles in the main series... Back in the late 80's when the first final fantasy was released, it was with their last bit of money and they were in danger of shutting down squaresoft, so for them it was their final fantasy. The fact that it was a success and got sequels with the same name, only with numbers shows that they are smart enough to realize that if you change the name of a series then people will see it as a new series and be less inclined to buy it. But then again, every final fantasy game is completely different from the ones before and after. None of them are in the same world (despite all the ff7 fanboys crying for a new game with Midguard). Yes, FFX-2 is in the same world as FFX, and FFXII is in the same world as FF tactics, but those really don't count. Comparing the differences from game to game with a franchise like Dragon Warrior, Breath of Fire, Suikoden or pretty much any other numbered rpg and you will see that each game is pretty much stand alone with some of the music and Cid showing up sometime in the storyline.

 

[The Candyman]

I had never played Zelda before TP either. In fact, the only zelda experience I had before it was SSB. But I could still enjoy it. I agree that the characters are flawed, to say the least, and the story has gaping holes, but I found the game play and artwork exceptional. Maybe you are just bad at the game? I could have fun with the puzzles, combat, and platforming because I was good at it. But then I played WW, and I saw that TP was actually a real disappointment compared to it. So, while I agree the writing was bad, the actual game was good.

 

[DrDeath3191]

Addendum-- I did indeed make the seventy percent mark, if only by hijacking my little' brother's profile in the hopes that it got better.

It didn't.

Also, for the last time:

A NUDE LADY IS STRADDLING--YES, THAT THING YOU DO IN SEX-- A TEENAGER. AS IN, HER UGLY BITS ARE BUMPIN' UP AGAINST HIM. SHE ALSO SPANKS HIM AND WHOOPS WITH GLEE. THERE IS NO IMAGINATION INVOLVED THERE. THERE IS ONLY THE OCULAR NERVE.

You did no such thing by hijacking your brother's game. You merely skipped much of it. You failed to play through enough of the game to warrant an applicable review of the title.

I skipped twenty-six percent of it. Don't you dare tell me that that was the good part.

Midna riding on Link is not a sexual symbol: it is one of dominance.

She reminded me a bit of a dominatrix.

In the Twilight Realm, Midna rules over Link: Link is subserviant to Midna's will. This does not imply sexual relations of any sort: you brought that in yourself with your own overanalysis. The Twilight Realm is where Midna is in control. Thus, she rides upon those lower than her (ie, Link).

And you say I'm overanalyzing?

Stop putting sex where it doesn't belong, and it is you putting it there. And while we're at it, if you intend to make a credible review, play through the entire game.

Alright, one more time now: Put yourself in Link's shoes. Okay? Good. You're scared, in an unfamiliar land, and you're not even in your own body.

Then all of a sudden this crazy naked imp b***h jumps out of nowhere, bumps her uglies into your back, and gives you the nasty pat.

That IS NOT overanalysis. This is not radical thinking. This is not Freudian insertion.

That's a nude imp straddling a teenager. I'm not saying it's a sexual symbol mind you-- but it's sure as Hell weird, and it does have its fair share of unfortunate connotations.

In regards to your last point: Susan Arendt did her Among Thieves review when she was only a third of the way into it; John Funk still hasn't finished Demon's Souls the the best of my knowledge, and you appraised me half-cocked.I'm pretty sure the middle 26% of a game with no story can be missed.

If you're going to attempt to make an analytical review to be taken seriously, you must experience the whole of the game. I don't care if your name is Susan Arendt, Matt Casamassina, Jeff Gertsman or a series of letters and numbers. A movie critic can't get away with reviewing less than the whole film, thus a game critic should be held to the same standard. We could argue the length of the game prevents a proffessional from being able to write accurately for fear of missing the deadline, but you are certainly no professional. You have the free time to dedicate to the game. You obviously felt strongly enough about the game to analyze it, but if you aren't analyzing the whole of the game, then your review is worthless.

Midna is a princess who lost her kingdom. Don't you think she's kind of pissed about losing her dominant role as the monarch of the Twilight Realm? So she revels in what she can rule: Link. But whatever, I'm getting sidetracked.

This is hardly a review so much as a trolling session. Your entire purpose was to annoy people who legitamately enjoyed this game. You insulted people who did enjoy the game, you failed to experience much of the title (25% of 60 hours is 15 hours of gameplay that you missed), and you treat all criticisms of these facts with what is essentially 'pfft, whatever Nintentard'. Thus, I'm afraid I can't take your review seriously.

 

[hittite]

Nice review. I personally haven't played this game, but based off what you say, it's not very zelda like at all. If I wanted to play a wolf, I would play okami. I played a little bit of Windwalker, but it felt lame as well. Back in the N64 and SNES era, the zelda games were very good. If you wanna enjoy a good zelda game, I suggest you pick up link to the past or ocarana of time. BTW, jump has never really been an option for any of the old school zelda games. They were never about platforming. Once the lock on function was introduced we were able to roll away from attacks and do leaping attacks, but pits have always been barriers in zelda games for the most part.

Well, in a few of the Game Boy Zeldas, you get a Roc Feather which gives you the ability to jump and has platforming puzzles. And don't let the wolf parts fool you, at it's core gameplay, it's basically the same as OoT with better graphics. E.g. you play as the same green-suited dork who walks into a dungeon, gets about halfway, gets some new shiny toy that lets him get to the next area and beat the boss for a completely arbitrary piece of magical stuff that you're only going to need once.

I also liked getting to terrify people in Castle town by running around as a wolf, although it is really annoying that you get 7 cool sword moves and you never get anything new as a wolf.

 

[Bluesclues]

I've not played Twilight Princess, it's a Wii game. In my experience, the wii controls are woolly as hell compared to Controllers, which in turn feel woolly as hell compared to Keyboard and mouse. Pick up a gameboy, grab any one of the umpteen LoZ gameboy games. Much better.

Yes, it's the same "Princess has been taken by Gannon, get a load of stuff and rescue her". That's LoZ.

Also, I know the LoZ games are fairly story-driven, so a short attention span (as your review seems to indicate?) will not be too brilliant.

It comes on the Gamecube if you happen to be interested in playing it....and last I checked you can plug a Gamecube controller into the Wii to play some games...I don't own a Wii so I don't know if it works for all games, but I know it worked for SSBB.

 

[HT_Black]

If you're going to attempt to make an analytical review to be taken seriously, you must experience the whole of the game. I don't care if your name is Susan Arendt, Matt Casamassina, Jeff Gertsman or a series of letters and numbers. A movie critic can't get away with reviewing less than the whole film, thus a game critic should be held to the same standard. We could argue the length of the game prevents a proffessional from being able to write accurately for fear of missing the deadline, but you are certainly no professional.You have the free time to dedicate to the game.

Author, kennel owner, student. Wash your mouth out with soap.

You obviously felt strongly enough about the game to analyze it, but if you aren't analyzing the whole of the game, then your review is worthless.

...Alright, good point.

Midna is a princess who lost her kingdom. Don't you think she's kind of pissed about losing her dominant role as the monarch of the Twilight Realm? So she revels in what she can rule: Link. But whatever, I'm getting sidetracked.

No offense, but that's creepier than what I said.

But, your point is valid. Because I like to think I'm a sensible critic, I'll be back in a week's time with an updated opinion; how's that suit you?

 

[Lucane]

Ehh I didn't really care for the review you said you only played it for 5 hours or so for a Zelda game that's hardly getting your feet wet. Though your pacing was well done.

It's not as bad as the Final Fantasy series, you know for a title that has the word 'Final' in it, it doesn't seem to be ending any time soon.

I've never seen angels or dead people in heaven in Halo >.> Not every title has to be literal.

 

[teisjm]

Here's what i get from your review
The bad parts.

Theres several things that suffer udner the fact that you haven't played through the game. Sometimes it's like reading a movie review based solely on the trailer. Seriously, dislike a game as much as you want, critisism is always better than dazed fanboys, but calling a review of a game you've only played about 15% a feview is as big a lie as the ones you attack the professinals for telling.

Actually, as fate would have it, I made it through 70% of the game-- I suppose I can be thankful that it seemed short. Also, I'd reccommend practicing more before you touch-type. Want to know something cool? I'm typing this with my eyes closed.

And yes, by the way-- He is twelve-- but I'm pretty sure they pull an Ocarina on us and shave five years of his lifespan right around the second dungeon. And regardless-- 17 is still too young

You made it through 70% of the game, but you're guessing about stuff you think they'll do around the second dungeon... right.
How the fuck is 17 too young to have a (suposedly old) girl on your BACK? wher the fuck is your dick located? cause i'm sure thats a possition you're not even gonna be able to find in the kama sutra, do you think parent who plays horse with their children on their backs are pedos?
Correct my spelling all you want, it doesn't make your point more or less valid, only shows your lack of arguments.
Want to know something cool? i was at work while writing the post before (and most of my posts on these boards) so i'm typing while making money.

 

[Eatbrainz]

Fuck it i've been waiting for that game for years and i thought it was BRILLIANT!