Twilight (Movie Review)

Maet

The Altoid Duke
Jul 31, 2008
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Note: I watched Twilight so you don't have to!

Twilight​

Agony. This one word effectively sums up Twilight without exaggeration. More of an endurance test than an actual film, Twilight fails to impress on any level.

I?ve never read Stephanie Meyer?s novels about the love between a human girl and a vampire boy, largely because my imagining of a vampire involves the creature bursting into flames in sunlight and not sparkling as if a barrel of glitter had just been dumped on them. Vampires are supposed to be soulless nocturnal beasts that prey on the harmless and stupid humans of the world, not vegetarian pussies who play baseball in the rain or hop around the treetops. I thought that was the allure of vampires for sexually frustrated females in the first place? That they are tortured and misunderstood shells that would just as easily rip out your jugular as they would write you angsty poetry in eyeliner and brood over you for eternity. You remove that, and they become miserable sad sacks with the compelling force of a fridge-magnet. Thus the chief failing of Meyer?s vampires is that they are not badass and ethereal, just wimpy and pathetic.

Seventeen year old Isabella Swan moved from Arizona to the shady and sleepy little town of Forks Washington, possibly because of her inability to tan well. Here, she meets the Cullens, a clan of covert vampires of similar complexion who remain isolated from the community. Not for any particularly sinister reason though, it?s just the way they are. About an hour and a half of atrocious dialogue later, Isabella becomes the target of a rogue pair of vampires named James and Victoria who become terribly bored with un-life and decide to try and murder Isabella because? I don?t know. Maybe they like a challenge? The narrative, much like everything else about the film, isn?t handled very well.


Shouldn?t you be on fire right now?

The dialogue is horrendous. There are times where the lines and their delivery warrant an audible screech of disgust because they?re so awful:

Edward Cullen: ?Hello. I?m sorry I didn?t get a chance to introduce myself last week. I?m Edward Cullen. You?re Bella??
Bella Swan: ?Um? Yes.?
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) ?Ladies first.?
Bella Swan: ?You were gone.?
Edward Cullen: ?Um? Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons?
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) ?Um. Prophase.?
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) ?Do you mind if I? Uh? Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase...?
Bella Swan: ?Like I said.?

This is the first exchange in the history of Bella and Edward, speaking together as if they were a long standing couple, yet utterly contrived and devoid of any appreciable conviction. Every character - be they vampire, human, or confused parent - speaks like this. Every character has the same confused attitude and disposition, lacing any vulgarity or passion. Having to listen to this for two hours is torture.

Additionally, the pacing is clumsy and erratic. There are sections of awful banter that appear to drag on endlessly. Significant action does not occur until the eighty minute mark, which renders the first chunk of the film boring, and the last bits rushed and unsatisfying. The special effects of the film, notably the pieces where a vampire is running and jumping in an attempt to seem menacing or cool, aren?t even worthy of an episode of Heroes. The whole film lacks polish, as if no one in post production paid attention to how the film looks or flows.

The built in audience of not just adolescent girls, but women in general, ensures the demand for additional adaptations of the other books, but are these people blind to the level contempt the creators of Twilight impressed on them? The film is not just poor as a matter of opinion, but poor as a matter of overall quality. Granted, a lot of this has to do with the very restricting $30,000,000 budget. Considering the financial aspect, Twilight seems more like a cash grab than an actual film; an attempt to milk an audience with no concept of quality or sense of taste. To that effect (and that effect only) does Twilight stand as a success, and the film proves this by grossing enough to pay for itself four times over in three short weeks. The only people who stand a chance of liking this movie are the people who are already a fan of the series, and it?s a very slim chance at that.
 

Maet

The Altoid Duke
Jul 31, 2008
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Wait, wait, wait, wait... a vampire + sun= big pile of ash on the ground. Vampires are creatures of the night. My friend saw this movie and said alot of parts were unintentionally hilarious.
 

black lincon

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Aug 21, 2008
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quite right. I've had girls in my class who were getting flustered because they couldn't see it on opening day. having no idea what Twilight was I looked it up and the first thing i said was, "Shouldn't the vampires be killing people, or at the least turning them into more vampires?"

It seemed to be a horrible premise and I was saving it for a rainy day when you want to watch a horrible movie that makes you appreciate good cinema even more.
 

SargentToughie

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Jun 14, 2008
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Never cared about Twilight... doubt that I ever will

And this movie review does'nt change a thing about that, still, good to read a good and wrathfull rant from time to time
 

Pseudonym2

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Mar 31, 2008
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For a movie aimed a women, does this even pass the Bechdel test?

I haven't read the books but it always seemed like lesson of the virtues of ensuring an abusive relationship?
 

Maet

The Altoid Duke
Jul 31, 2008
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sv93 said:
My friend saw this movie and said alot of parts were unintentionally hilarious.
I enjoy bad dialogue in groups of three or more. When I'm watching it alone, I'm deadly allergic to it.

I probably would've liked the movie if I had a girlfriend to massage my crotch as I scarf down popcorn and laugh furiously.

black lincon said:
It seemed to be a horrible premise and I was saving it for a rainy day when you want to watch a horrible movie that makes you appreciate
good cinema even more.
It's as good a premise as any for a movie, but it's just so terribly executed. I was at least expecting something passable, but Twilight is an embarrassment.

SargentToughie said:
... still, good to read a good and wrathfull rant from time to time
I like to think that's my specialty.

Pseudonym2 said:
For a movie aimed a women, does this even pass the Bechdel test?
Nope. A few lady vampires, but no "lezzing out" to speak of whatsoever.
 

Maet

The Altoid Duke
Jul 31, 2008
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Maet said:
sv93 said:
My friend saw this movie and said alot of parts were unintentionally hilarious.
I enjoy bad dialogue in groups of three or more. When I'm watching it alone, I'm deadly allergic to it.I probably would've liked the movie if I had a girlfriend to massage my crotch as I scarf down popcorn and laugh furiously.
Just try not to choke on the popcorn, okay? I saw this video on YouTube a while ago and it was a cam video of Twilight and there was one part where everyone in the theatre laughed out loud. Some of the parts were really awkward, like spider man 3 awkward.
 

CoverYourHead

High Priest of C'Thulhu
Dec 7, 2008
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And yet I know several people who have seen it more then three times. I always give them this look as if I'm trying to comprehend something so confusing not even an omnipotent deity could decipher it, because I am.
 

ThaBenMan

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Mar 6, 2008
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CoverYourHead said:
And yet I know several people who have seen it more then three times. I always give them this look as if I'm trying to comprehend something so confusing not even an omnipotent deity could decipher it, because I am.
Yeah, this guy at my work was talking about how his wife has seen it like 5 times and he wanted to gouge his eyes out after being forced to see it the first time.

I knew this would be terrible. It was written by a mormon housewife who has no fucking clue what a vampire even is.
 

wrightofway

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Sep 30, 2008
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Maet said:
Edward Cullen: ?Hello. I?m sorry I didn?t get a chance to introduce myself last week. I?m Edward Cullen. You?re Bella??
Bella Swan: ?Um? Yes.?
Edward Cullen: (While sliding a microscope to Bella) ?Ladies first.?
Bella Swan: ?You were gone.?
Edward Cullen: ?Um? Yeah. I was out of town for a couple of days. Personal reasons?
Bella Swan: (Pointing out the first stage of mitosis) ?Um. Prophase.?
Edward Cullen: (Reaching for the microscope) ?Do you mind if I? Uh? Look? (Checking the microscope) Prophase...?
Bella Swan: ?Like I said.?
The thing is that is lifted right from the book. It doesn't make it any better when they were faithful (somewhat) to a really bad book that they could have easily improved on.
 

blank0000

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Oct 3, 2007
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myes :D I can say that Twilight is the indisputable WORST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN.

I counted it off, their was approximately 20 minutes of raw starring :D

all the actors where stuck on one emotion

the special effects.....I've seen better in a power rangers movie

the writing was awful. AWFUL. I thought that their would be some decent diologe because it was based off a book...I was wrong.

Their was no room for subtly at all "GOOD VS BAD! LIVE WITH IT!!" and you could tell the good from the bad because...
The good vampires wore clothes from The Gap, and Banana Republic
The bad guys wore Abricromby and fitch...

also, the female lead was a completly unlikable character. I was amazed that despite her instantaneous friendships at school, a new truck, a GOD DAMN VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, she still managed to be pointy though out the entire affair. Everyone loves the damn girl and all she does is frown...wtf?

as I watched, I got the idea that it was'nt a film, as much as perhaps extremely soft-core porno for tweenage girls, which is, possibly why it sold so well. The director went out of her way to get the shirts off every boy in that movie, cover them in make up, and give em a close up.



in conclusion, this movie physically hurt me, and made me question all that is pure and good in this world:D

the end
 

sheic99

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Oct 15, 2008
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blank0000 said:
myes :D I can say that Twilight is the indisputable WORST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN.

I counted it off, their was approximately 20 minutes of raw starring :D

all the actors where stuck on one emotion

the special effects.....I've seen better in a power rangers movie

the writing was awful. AWFUL. I thought that their would be some decent diologe because it was based off a book...I was wrong.

Their was no room for subtly at all "GOOD VS BAD! LIVE WITH IT!!" and you could tell the good from the bad because...
The good vampires wore clothes from The Gap, and Banana Republic
The bad guys wore Abricromby and fitch...

also, the female lead was a completly unlikable character. I was amazed that despite her instantaneous friendships at school, a new truck, a GOD DAMN VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, she still managed to be pointy though out the entire affair. Everyone loves the damn girl and all she does is frown...wtf?

as I watched, I got the idea that it was'nt a film, as much as perhaps extremely soft-core porno for tweenage girls, which is, possibly why it sold so well. The director went out of her way to get the shirts off every boy in that movie, cover them in make up, and give em a close up.



in conclusion, this movie physically hurt me, and made me question all that is pure and good in this world:D

the end
Whoa, whoa, whoa... you can't compare Twilight with Power Rangers.
Dem are fightin' words.

I mean Twilight stands on it's own pedestal of crap, that I'm unable to comprehend.
 

Dommyboy

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Jul 20, 2008
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The plot of Twilight, like I have stated many times, is just Vampire Hunter D with less vampire lore and more teen crap.

Every female in my maths class (including my female teacher) hates me for bagging out Twilight constantly and pointing out all the problems with it. The thing that really tipped it for them though was when I quoted around a line from the South Park episode involving Twilight.
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

I have also noticed that only the rather odd (or metro) males will find this move entertaining as there only seems to be two guys that like Twilight at my school and they are quite odd.

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?
 

Maet

The Altoid Duke
Jul 31, 2008
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Dommyboy said:
I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?
Only if one of the crazy females is into you and fairly attractive. The only real conceivable purpose of Twilight is a potent female aphrodisiac.
 

Dommyboy

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Jul 20, 2008
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Maet said:
Dommyboy said:
I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?
Only if one of the crazy females is into you and fairly attractive. The only real conceivable purpose of Twilight is a potent female aphrodisiac.
That's pretty much spot on why I might attend. I decided I won't go. Based on your review the movie seems like "OMGAWD THIS GUY IS SO HOT AND ITS ROMANTIC" average teen crap you get now-a-days. Maybe if Twilight had made more sense then maybe males would actually like it.
 

Pseudonym2

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Mar 31, 2008
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Dommyboy said:
The plot of Twilight, like I have stated many times, is just Vampire Hunter D with less vampire lore and more teen crap.

Every female in my maths class (including my female teacher) hates me for bagging out Twilight constantly and pointing out all the problems with it. The thing that really tipped it for them though was when I quoted around a line from the South Park episode involving Twilight.
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

I have also noticed that only the rather odd (or metro) males will find this move entertaining as there only seems to be two guys that like Twilight at my school and they are quite odd.

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?
Afterwards, Make them see A Scanner Darkly or Hearts and Minds as punishment.
 

Dommyboy

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Jul 20, 2008
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Pseudonym2 said:
Dommyboy said:
The plot of Twilight, like I have stated many times, is just Vampire Hunter D with less vampire lore and more teen crap.

Every female in my maths class (including my female teacher) hates me for bagging out Twilight constantly and pointing out all the problems with it. The thing that really tipped it for them though was when I quoted around a line from the South Park episode involving Twilight.
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.

I have also noticed that only the rather odd (or metro) males will find this move entertaining as there only seems to be two guys that like Twilight at my school and they are quite odd.

I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?
Afterwards, Make them see A Scanner Darkly or Hearts and Minds as punishment.
A Scanner Darkly and Hearts and Minds are a godsend compared to Twilight. Just watched a little bit of the Twilight. Yup, its defiantly not for me.
 

Pseudonym2

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Mar 31, 2008
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Dommyboy said:
Pseudonym2 said:
Dommyboy said:
I got invited to go see this tonight with a bunch of that crazy race of females and a few guys. Should I go along just to annoy everybody or is it too much of a abomination to withstand?
Afterwards, Make them see A Scanner Darkly or Hearts and Minds as punishment.
A Scanner Darkly and Hearts and Minds are a godsend compared to Twilight. Just watched a little bit of the Twilight. Yup, its defiantly not for me.
They're both better movies in my opinion but they're the polar opposite of Twilight. Instead of a brainless, shallow, mainstream, apolitical wish fulfillment with shallow characters, they will watch a deep, artsy, political, depressing story with deep characters. It will blow their mind.
 

KyleTheAngry

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Aug 3, 2008
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Dommyboy said:
Me: "Hey everyone! Did you know that Edward Cullen's real name is Count Fagula?"
Females in class: *Screams and yells of hatred erupt*.
Sir, you are braver than most...and i salute you for it.

I hope you had an escape plan in case they brought out the torches and pitchforks :p