Violent women.

[DannyHale09]

Being violent as a woman or a man is a horrible trait to have. It doesn't scare me. It's just unpleasant.

 

[Trololo Punk]

Yea, I like a girl that's opinionated, and can do things for herself. If I'm ever looking for a relationship, it's not a "your a girl, so you take care of me" one. Doesn't appeal to me really.

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

I'm happy with that and who I am.

That's all that matters.

Also, I'm not trying to have a go at your friends here, but it really does sound like you should stop associating with a load of wet blankets. I like fiery women. Most of my friends like fiery women. In my whole social circle, there are only two lasses I can think of that are proper 'girly girls'. My point here is that different people move in different circles, and it would seem (if you are under the impression that all men want submissive cuddling partners) that you've just been hanging around with the needy crowd.

 

[Daddy Go Bot]

I'm not a fan of violent people, period.

 

[Insideout Ink Demon]

I've been using these forums for a while, but have changed my SN to break away from the people who don't share the same values. Start afresh, if you will.

I'm going to be straight with you guys. I'm not a calm, well-behaved lady. I can be quite fiery, quite aggressive, and you know what? I'm happy with that and who I am.

What I've found is, though, that people are not happy when women show even one ounce of strength or conviction in who they are. Even less so when they're aggressive rather than a pacifist. It's like men, in particular (if we're talking romantically) are looking for a relationship in which they are mothered. I'm not that sort of person, and don't want to be with someone who needs mothering. I've tried it once, it ended in disaster and I deviated so far from who I was, I just wasnt happy and neither was he. The relationship became monotone because I was so stifled by having to portray the 'expected' version of me.

So I come to you. What do YOU think about women with a more violent and hot-headed nature than the norm? Do you prefer women to be subtle? Mother you? Why do you prefer this? I'm supposing a lot of you play video games with particually 'strong' minded (and bodied) women, so when it comes to real life.. why do you want me down on my knees? (Hey, careful, I dont mean in that sense).

I'm not saying that I would go shank someone in the street or be completely irrational. I have a head on my shoulders. But I like violence (as play in a relationship, or as a happy relationship dynamic). I get a rise from it. And I'm fine with who I am.

Is it really so scary to men? I'm not looking for advice here, even though I do despair at the lack of relationship prospects for me. I can handle myself. I want insight into why so many men seem to need and expect passive women.

i'd need a better description of what you mean as violent. i was following what you were saying when you said an aggressive female, but violence to the point of physical abuse would be a def no go for me, hense the want for clarity

 

[IrisEver]

I'm happy with that and who I am.

That's all that matters.

Also, I'm not trying to have a go at your friends here, but it really does sound like you should stop associating with a load of wet blankets. I like fiery women. Most of my friends like fiery women. In my whole social circle, there are only two lasses I can think of that are proper 'girly girls'. My point here is that different people move in different circles, and it would seem (if you are under the impression that all men want submissive cuddling partners) that you've just been hanging around with the needy crowd.

I think you're pretty spot on. I can accept others for who they are, but if I don't click then I can't force it. I'm not the type to want to keep superficial friendships, and I cannot jump at the chance of forming romantic relationships with someone if I don't believe I can get the kind of equality, trust, love, companionship and play that I care for.

I just can't find anyone. I'm going pretty good on my own since I accepted that I can't force anything, but sometimes I do wonder whether there is anyone out there that would want to be in my bubble.

I do cuddle, though.

 

[StANDY1338]

Ok first of all being agressive in a relationship is domestic abuse and in my opinion something horrible that should not be allowed. You know if you said you were a man and then went on to state that your agressive and women don't like that but you don't care. It would have a much different response.

Secondly by saying im going to do what I want and not care what men say. Is basically saying men are superior. I am going to write on the walls and I don't care what mummy says. I am going to do this and I don't care what teacher says. Making a big deal of how your fighting male oppression and what not essentualy validates that view.

 

[ExileNZ]

As someone who grew up with his fair share of violent girls (and eventually violent women), I can tell you that while I prefer a woman who can stand up for herself, unnecessary violence from a woman is no more appreciated than unnecessary violence from a guy.

I don't expect my guy friends to hit me or call me 'fag' just because I'm not a meathead, I don't really want that from a partner either.

 

[Lead Herring]

Maybe you've misdiagnosed the problem here. Maybe it's not that men are put off by your confidence but rather you may have a knack for offending people. While it's true that you shouldn't try to be someone you're not to please someone your interested in, sometimes you do need to change certain mannerisms in order for a relationship to work (eg, an easygoing but lazy guy may have to become more proactive, but he shouldn't have to act aggressive to please his significant other.)

On the other hand, it could just be that your going after the wrong guys, especially if you've drawn this conclusion from the results of one or two dates-gone-wrong. While you are correct that a lot of guys dislike a strong willed girl, I've heard enough opinions to suggest that just as many admire that trait in a woman. My guess is that less confidant guys feel intimidated by stronger willed girls, and confidence is not a trait typified by geeks. You see, your statement about guys liking strong women in video games doesn't really say much as, in a videogame, you interact with them through an idealized male protagonist (I'm sure the Grey Warden never has to deal with sweaty palms or acne).

Hope that helps.

I think I do have a knack of offending people, yes.

I don't mean he should act aggressive. I simply mean that he wouldn't sway or run from a woman with a more aggressive personality. He would enjoy a woman initiating a 'playfight'. I mean simply enjoying a certain relationship dynamic.

From my standpoint, I find it hard to understand how someone cannot see how what I'm saying is different to 'I want to stab everyone and land people in hospital' or 'I want to terrify/lord it over any boyfriend I have'. I'm not saying a guy would just have to deal with my nature if he wants to be with me, or back down (I wouldnt like it if he did) I'm talking about a mesh of personality. I still mean both parties feeling safe and loved.

A certain dynamic that seems to be more accepted man-man than it is woman-man, and asking why men prefer more passive women but still admire strength and willfullness in general? Okay, maybe a lot of men don't admire outright violence in the most understood sense of the word. I can understand that. But crude violence is not what I mean.

Thank you for your insight. I do see a lot of people here saying they admire women who are not pacifists. Unfortunately, I still look like a sociopath! That's my fault. I think another problem is that, perhaps, maybe I'm just not 'usual'.

Forever alone.

Don't get too hung up on my example, I only ment that in both your case and the hypothetical guy's case, the person doesnt need to change their personality, if that makes any sense.

I was just thinking though, how have your past boyfriends reacted to your playfighting and teasing. If they gave you any feed back after the relationship ended that could also be useful in refining your approach to relationships.

 

[Nouw]

Anyone being violent isn't a plus for me.

 

[Daddy Go Bot]

Anyone being violent isn't a plus for me.

Indeed. There's a difference between standing up for yourself and being straight up violent.

 

[Dogstile]

So you're more aggressive than the average woman? You don't enjoy it when you get treated like some frail girl?

Well hell, you just described the female friends of mine I get along with the best. There isn't really an issue with how you are, I think its more of an issue with the type of men you meet. Its very common for men to have the whole superiority complex and don't enjoy it when they get a girl who can hit em right back with some banter while talking.

My suggestion? Just continue being who you are, relationship prospects be damned. Many men don't like it when the "weaker" (look, quote marks! Not my view) sex gets to play rough.

I personally call such men pansies.

Edit: Reading some other responses, I would like to clear this up for other escapists.

She isn't talking about full on punching a bloke in the nose for kicks or finding a bloke who will roll over. She's talking about a bloke who can deal with her being just as aggressive as he can be.


Because some people seem to be missing the point.

Edit edit:

You know, I think I have an answer for you. You remind me a hell of a lot like a couple blokes I hang out with from your descriptions. It might creep people out because you're not quite like the typical girls they've been brought up to expect.

 

[Nouw]

Then I suggest her to edit her thread title and parts of her OP. I wouldn't call that violent. No, there's a different word for that. Something along the lines of 'breaking the stereotype in not an extreme way.' Sadly, all my female friends who are violent are complete bitches who feel that they're in the right for treating me like shit.

 

[MasterOfWorlds]

Do you mean assertive, or actually aggressive? Because I don't think many people (men or women) like aggressive people in general. If you started acting aggressive towards me, I'd be aggressive right back, woman or no.

Now, that's not to say that I don't like women that have a little fire in them as it were. I do. A lot. I even like to be slapped around a bit, but not if it's in the mean spirit of aggression. I don't think people should try to be who they're not, but you might want to try rethinking the "agressive" part of your self-description, and maybe see if assertive isn't actually what you are.

Short version: Assertive good, aggressive bad.

 

[5mj7R7yf4Dwr3gdZyyu9PeGNwYjlNrjzuh3iTXQG]

Violence is not a word one casually throws around in this neighborhood, but that's because I know more than one person with post traumatic stress disorder. I know more than one veteran who's seen actual action and didn't come back quite right in the head.

Myself, I'm as gentle as they come, which is a good thing, given I'm a six-foot, ~230-pound ape. My flat-mate, who has had her fiery years, is the one to be concerned about, because she can gut somebody, should her livelihood (or that of those she loves) depend on it. She has put people into the hospital, and I've even had concerns during our off years that I could be her next victim. Fortunately, she had more control than that.

I hold both respect and pity for those who carry within them such degrees of badassery. In this community, that includes both men and women.

My respect for them is in regards to their will to do what is necessary when the time comes. Should our republic fall, it is likely that they are the people on which I will depend to survive through the long night. (They certainly are the ones who become responders when someone's life is in danger.) They, in turn, will depend on me to restore the infrastructure on which civilization depends; we each have our talents.

And my pity comes because the internal monster doesn't willingly stay in its designated compartment inside one's head. The wrong triggers can switch a pure, loving, human being back into a front-line killing machine, one that often is unsure who is friend and who is enemy. More than once in my life, I've had to talk such creatures down; remind them who they are and their present-day circumstances. I've had to reach that internal humanity afraid for his life to let his guard down. I've had to stare down guns and knives, and I am thankful I have survived those incidents unscathed.

Regarding those who consent to playing with fighting, and do so under safe conditions, I have no objections. I cannot do it myself, and I've disappointed more than a couple of girlfriends who wanted me to rape them (even with consent, it's just not in me). But if that's your kink, I wish you all the best in finding a safe and satisfying partner with which to explore those fantasies.

But when it comes to real violence, there's no space here to fuck around. If your temper leads you to harm yourself, others or property, you're a danger. And when you're a danger, you get help and learn to secure it, or you end up in the custody of the authorities. (You get to choose whether it's the guys in white, or the guys in blue.) As harsh as that might sound, it's better that than you triggering someone else who then empties a clip into you without a second thought.

Fortunately, these days, we don't have that many incidents within the community. I know a few people who might want to gun down a senator or two, though.

Incidentally, Statistically, domestic violence is not specific to either sex. Neither men nor women start it more often, or necessarily do more damage than the other. Not all anti-violence groups acknowledge male victims. Not all shelters accept men, and a lot of men don't go to the hospital when they should, because of embarrassment issues. It's one of those double standards we've yet to work out. But generally, until there's a zombie outbreak, real-world violence doesn't fly.

238U.

 

[Hoplon]

I've been using these forums for a while, but have changed my SN to break away from the people who don't share the same values. Start afresh, if you will.

I'm going to be straight with you guys. I'm not a calm, well-behaved lady. I can be quite fiery, quite aggressive, and you know what? I'm happy with that and who I am.

What I've found is, though, that people are not happy when women show even one ounce of strength or conviction in who they are. Even less so when they're aggressive rather than a pacifist. It's like men, in particular (if we're talking romantically) are looking for a relationship in which they are mothered. I'm not that sort of person, and don't want to be with someone who needs mothering. I've tried it once, it ended in disaster and I deviated so far from who I was, I just wasnt happy and neither was he. The relationship became monotone because I was so stifled by having to portray the 'expected' version of me.

So I come to you. What do YOU think about women with a more violent and hot-headed nature than the norm? Do you prefer women to be subtle? Mother you? Why do you prefer this? I'm supposing a lot of you play video games with particually 'strong' minded (and bodied) women, so when it comes to real life.. why do you want me down on my knees? (Hey, careful, I dont mean in that sense).

I'm not saying that I would go shank someone in the street or be completely irrational. I have a head on my shoulders. But I like violence (as play in a relationship, or as a happy relationship dynamic). I get a rise from it. And I'm fine with who I am.

Is it really so scary to men? I'm not looking for advice here, even though I do despair at the lack of relationship prospects for me. I can handle myself. I want insight into why so many men seem to need and expect passive women.

You sound fun to me.

Also, you need to worry less about it.

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

I think you're pretty spot on. I can accept others for who they are, but if I don't click then I can't force it. I'm not the type to want to keep superficial friendships, and I cannot jump at the chance of forming romantic relationships with someone if I don't believe I can get the kind of equality, trust, love, companionship and play that I care for.

I just can't find anyone. I'm going pretty good on my own since I accepted that I can't force anything, but sometimes I do wonder whether there is anyone out there that would want to be in my bubble.

I do cuddle, though.

Well there you go, you see? If you accept people for who they are then you don't have to worry about being alone, at least for long. Look, I'm not great at the whole 'relationship advice' gig, but it seems to me that the sooner you kick back and just enjoy being you, the sooner you'll start hanging out with like minded people. And the sooner you do that, the sooner you'll start clicking with people. And arguing. And fighting. And, occasionally, even cuddling.

 

[IrisEver]

Don't get too hung up on my example, I only ment that in both your case and the hypothetical guy's case, the person doesnt need to change their personality, if that makes any sense.

I was just thinking though, how have your past boyfriends reacted to your playfighting and teasing. If they gave you any feed back after the relationship ended that could also be useful in refining your approach to relationships.

It's been a mix. I've had men trying to tone me down. If this happens, I usually try to sort out the root conflict -- ask them if there's anything I am doing that is making them miserable. I care about being a good parter. A lot of the time, it turns out we're just not compatible.

I do not want to be cruel in a relationship, or be allowed to be cruel. I do not want a man who simply sits at my feet and cowering. I do not expect that and would not want to be in a relationship where my actions lead to someone reacting in such a way. I have never been in a relationship where my actions have lead to a man reacting in such a way. When things seem incompatible, the relationship is ended. I would never initiate a playfight with someone against their wishes, at all. That's not what I want. If there is genuinely something I seem to be doing wrong not connected to my want of a certain closeness, I work on myself just like any other person would.

But this is part of my nature I don't want to change, as I have tried and I am thoroughly miserable when I do, and I if I want a relationship that will work, I'll need to find a man who is compatible with that.

A man who isn't delicate in this way, and doesn't expect me to be delicate.

i was following what you were saying when you said an aggressive female, but violence to the point of physical abuse would be a def no go for me, hense the want for clarity

I would never abuse someone. I am not an abuser, and wouldnt want to be. I wouldnt want a man to let me abuse them, and would hate to see anyone being abused by anyone else.

Switching roles, I would know the difference between a man abusing me and a man having some good natured, human fun with me. The respect and trust is built in the relationship as a whole, allowing for that closeness of interaction and the quick pace of heart beats that follow.

Two human beings with a connection, both with their own minds and their own strengths. Both accepting, both willing to play, both getting a rise out of violence. Again, good naturedly. But also a man who wont be bothered if, in a disagreement, I grab him and root him to the floor -- mostly because it will end in a kiss. A man who would smile at that sort of interaction, rather than think it means I want to do serious damage to him (and I would not attempt to do serious damage to a man in a 'playfight' such as this). A man who wouldnt assume that this behaviour means I dont respect him. Perhaps a man who would chuckle at it. A man who would fight back (not wanting to seriously damage me either). We'd then tease each other over who won. I really am just talking about interaction, here. The question is "Why assume?", "Why do you not want women who behave like this, when good natured 'conflict' is what most mammals do for enjoyment?".

Root conflict in a relationship, the sort of conflict that could destroy the happiness of the relationship, should be sorted by talking and not by throwing plates. I'm not talking about throwing plates. A disagreement on which milk we should be buying? We'll disagree, I'll get wound up, he may get exasperated. We stand and look at each other. We'll scuffle, I'll get him on the floor and he'll laugh at how my face is crunched up. I may hit him on the arm for that comment, still wound up, and he'll laugh and say how my strike feels like a kitten batting with it's paw. Then he'll remind me the shop is closing soon, and we really must get some milk. We go and get some milk. No one gets hurt, no one is scared, and then we eat some cereal (with the milk I wanted to buy, because I won the scuffle. We'd buy his milk if he won).

Yes, it's a bit more than play fighting. It is aggressive. But it is in no way aimed to abuse. I would never "root someone to the floor" if they were not happy with this sort of interaction, and did not enjoy it with me.

Maybe it's a strange sort of closeness an interaction to want. I'm realising that more now.

 

[Killertje]

I think with "violent" she means playfully wrestling/fighting each other, not kicking each others teeth in. I personally wouldn't call that violent, because it's not your intention to hurt the other beyond comfort level. Like when you do martial arts and practice on eachother it's not really violence (usually), even though you are kicking and punching.

Honestly I would love to have a girlfriend who likes that (as long as she isn't a lot stronger than me ofcourse ). I'm pretty sure there are more people like me out there, and maybe even a few you might like, so just keep looking and hopefully you will meet one soon.

 

[IrisEver]

I think with "violent" she means playfully wrestling/fighting each other, not kicking each others teeth in. I personally wouldn't call that violent, because it's not your intention to hurt the other beyond comfort level. Like when you do martial arts and practice on eachother it's not really violence (usually), even though you are kicking and punching.

Honestly I would love to have a girlfriend who likes that (as long as she isn't a lot stronger than me ofcourse ). I'm pretty sure there are more people like me out there, and maybe even a few you might like, so just keep looking and hopefully you will meet one soon.

Yes, that's the idea. I call it violence though as it does involve hurt beyond comfort level. Inflicting pain, yes, but not kicking each others teeth in or doing anything to endanger safety. Not going beyond a mans personal comfort level when it comes to physically interacting in such a way. But a mans personal comfort level seems to be lowered when it comes to a relationship with a woman, because we're meant to be "passive" and to "mother" them, and apparently it's not desirable when we don't act such.

It's not just the physical interaction.

It's about the nature behind this sort of interaction and this dynamic. The aggresiveness, the hot temper. Men don't like it. They don't seem to like the challenge. Apparently, in my experience, I really need to sit on my arse and shut up when a man speaks to be considered suitable for a relationship. I cannot do that.

And I was just wondering why.