Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

[Pappytech]

>Chas and Future Dirk: Presumably you have some kind of hilarious conversation about mutilation and DEAR GOD WHY IS IT SO COLD IN KANSAS? AND WHY WON'T MY PARENTS TURN UP THE HEAT? AND WHY ARE MY HANDS FEELING NUMB?

Ahem. Anyway, a conversation is presumably happening.

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>Xavier: As you descend downstairs, you are greeted by a pink blur.

"HiNiceTaMeetYouI'mCommanderShepardOrPinkiePieAndYouReallyNeedToGetOutThereAndDoSomeAdventuring. SeriouslyYouDon'tHaveTimeForTalkingOrPlansOrBakingOrPartiesOrWhatever. GoBeatUpSomeUnderlingsOrDoSomeQuestsOrFightTheBlackKingOrDoOtherImportantStuff. YouKindOfHaveToHurryOrElseYou'reAllGoingToDie. SeveralTimes. Forever. AnywayHere'sTheFirstGateForThisLandYouShouldGoThroughItAndGoDoSomeStuff. TrustMeIt'sAReallyReallyReallyGoodIdeaToNotWaitAround. HaveFunAndDon'tDie.

Oh, have some cake. Bye!

You suddenly find yourself being hurled through another Gate, and landing on some kind of island in the middle of an ocean. You can spot a few other islands around yours. You appear to be holding some COCONUT UPSIDE DOWN CAKE.

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>Greg: The SPRITE turns around and begins talking to you, his tone irritated.

"Nah, you're not interuptting anything, considering these morons can't hold a beat," he says, pointing a thumb at the sheepish IMPS behind him.

The SPRITE pauses, and takes a look at you. "Hey, that's a pretty neat get-up, kid. I don't suppose you know how to play an instrument, by any chance?

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>Dirk: Jack Noir slowly turns to face you, his mouth fixed into an eternal scowl, a knife suddenly appearing in his clenched fist. He asks what the hell another one of you worthless runts is doing around here, and why the hell you're calling him Slick. He's Jack Noir, ruler of Derse, most feared and most ruthless being in the incenisphere.

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Greg:Answer Sprite

You smile at his compliment about your ARMOR but then shake your head I thank you for the compliment.But unfortunately I never have been good with anything like that.Though I have always wanted to try the ocarina.Or the flute.

You motion to the suit that the SPRITE is wearing So,guessing by the fact that your suit seems to be made of,from what I can tell,spandex...that would make you Rich's Sprite?And this his home?

Spoiler: OOC

I would like to wish everyone an early Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Respond

You give a little bit of a chuckle at Jack's big claims.

"Nice try, Jack, but you know as well as I do that that just isn't true. Not yet, anyway. I'm here because as long as I'm stuck on this purple hellhole you call Derse, you're the only one I can trust. To an extent. And right now I need information."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

>Xavier: Be flummoxed as shit
You don't know what the hell just happened, where the hell you are, who the hell was that pink thing was, how the hell you got here, or why the hell you have a cake.

>Xavier: Haphazardly eat a piece of the cake
You really don't like coconut, but its alright you guess.

 

[MetroidNut]

>Rich: Engage.

Is this what drugs are like?

You're too cheerful to care. You scream something dramatic about overthrowing tyrants and fighting for the lost, you don't really know. Then you lead Sheriff Quickdraw into glorious battle, opening with a volley of GICLOPS-directed musical death-blasts!

 

[SamuelT]

<spoiler=Hey doods>

 

[ArcNitemare]

>Nitemare:Be OOC

Merry Christmahoniquanzika to everyone!

And awesome picture there as always Samuel.

Even Heroes sometimes need to take a break,relax,and celebrate the holidays with alien friends...until someone breaks out the mistletoe

(For some reason,I imagine my guy is reading the "Night before Christmas" out loud.)

 

[MetroidNut]

>MetroidNut: Improve SamT's art.

Spoiler: Show Masterpiece

 

[WafflesandBacon]

>Waffles: Choose which art you like the most
I can't! Sam's art personifies cheer and good will, while Metroid's art is so avant garde!

In all seriousness, Happy [your celebration here], I hope it is filled with cheer and shit like that.

>Wwaffles: Break out the mistletoe

noww i wwait

 

[MetroidNut]

Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.

Spoiler

 

[CJ1145]

<spoiler=Hey doods>

Ah, the good old days... when Dirk had a natural hair color.

Gotta love the holiday season, guys, Merry Christmas! But not Happy Hannukah. Not until Jon Stewart gives me back my weed whacker.

I would art, but I think SamT's got that Christmas cheer wrapped up nicely.

 

[Pappytech]

Well, looks like I'm a little late to the festivities. I blame my family, as usual.

Anyway, I wish you all happy holidays, and hope that everyone gets some sweet loot or something. I don't know, whatever floats your boat.

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2:14.

>Everyone: Suddenly get bonked on the head by boxes wrapped in brightly colored paper, perhaps with a bow on top.

More junk falling from the sky, huh? Whatever, free stuff!

Judging by the size/weight of the boxes, you assume that they contain whatever you want most, assuming whatever you want is a physical object, and not some kind of bullshit concept, like peace, or true love, or other crap like that. Nah, it's time to get all materialistic.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

>BONK
In the midst of cake[footnote]Hehe, Christmas cake.[/footnote] eating and wonderment, you get bonk'd on the head with flying colourful box. Ow.

>Xavier: Open the box with reckless abandon
Its....OHMYGOD, ITS A TARDIS, YOU FLY AROUND THE INCISPHERE WITH RECKLESS ABANDON FOR ANYONE'S SAFETY, APPEAR ON THE BATTLEFIELD AND KICK THE BLACK KING IN HIS CHIMERA-ESQUE NUTSACK.
(This is what happens when you watch the Doctor Who marathon and get hopped up on cookies...)
It looks like a game, you read the tiHOLY SHIT! PSYCHONAUTS 2! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELEASED IN...

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELEASED! It was fabled but never confirmed!

>Xavier: Revel
Thank you, GodMonster!

 

[MetroidNut]

>Rich: Receive gift.

What a pleasant surprise! You briefly interrupt your violent murdering for a spontaneous metaphysical day of merriment and celebration!

>Rich: Unwrap.

It appears to be...

A MASTERPIECE.

You don't know who this "MetroidNut" person is, but you don't have to recognize the name to recognize his genius. It would make Picasso blush; Da Vinci would hang his head in shame at the sight of it. You will cherish it eternally.

>Rich: Captchalogue MASTERPIECE, resume murdering on metaphysical December 26th.

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk: Receive gift

A jade-green colored PRESENT falls out of the sky... and bonks the top of your currently sleeping head. It bounces up to your BETA-SELF.

>Dirk-F2: Take gift

You unwrap the carefully-wrapped PRESENT and look inside to see... oh. Oh my goodness. This is something that will almost certainly become extremely plot-relevant later. But right now it will remain unseen, and you quickly CAPTCHALOGUE it before any prying TROLLIAN eyes may spot it. You are certain that you don't want them to see this just yet.

>Future Dirk: Chat with Chas

You view the scene before you, and can say only one eloquent phrase.

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

-- sesquipedalianScholar [SS] began pestering snickeringSurrogate [SS] at 20:02 --
SS: What.
SS: The.
SS: Fuck.
SS: What the fuck is going on here.
SS: Oh, hey Dirk.
SS: I'm in heaps of pain right now.
SS: You probably noticed.
SS: Also, Connor might be dead.
SS: OK, so, um. You're going to have to back up, and explain to me.
SS: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.
SS: Ok, this is going to be a really long story.
SS: Brace yourself.
SS: I went to sleep after talking to Letage for a little while to clear my head after I fought with Rich and then Sburb decided I was a dick so I faced my dark soul and I chatted him up for a bit and he gave me a choice between forsaking my leadership and succumbing to eternal darkness or gouging my eyes out with a knife. I did that. Then I woke up again on Prospit and I could see jack shit and I went
SS: and talked to the queen for a little while and then I went back to sleep and then I woke up here and I talked to my grandpa for a bit and then he gave me his regal eyepatches and I went through some alchemization and I made them into these things on my face right now and then I tried to equip them and I was wondering how I'd implant them into my face but then Connor comes out of nowhere with a ba
SS: t and clocks me right in the face (still blind by the way) and I start bleeding all over the place and then my augmentations kick in and I'm in fuckloads of mental pain and I didn't ask for this and then I shot Connor with a rage-laser-cyclops blast because I didn't know who it was because I'm blind and the augmentations told me it was an enemy and then he was frozen and then I talked to Letage to
SS: calm my nerves and numb the pain and then you showed up and now we're here and I think I need to find some health gel or something before I bleed to death.
SS: OK. Wow. That is certainly quite the story. But I think I can probably help. Do you have a medkit lying around your house?
SS: I have no idea whatsoever!
SS: We have alchemy gear up here though.
SS: Don't worry, I can handle it. Be right back.
-- sesquipedalianScholar [SS] ceased pestering snickeringSurrogate [SS] at 20:16 --

One TIME SHENANIGAN LATER...

Spoiler: Show pesterlog

-- sesquipedalianScholar [SS] began pestering snickeringSurrogate [SS] at 20:16 --
SS: OK, eat these Gushers.
SS: I
SS: What
SS: I went back in time, alchemized you some health gushers, and came back here to about 1 second after I left.
SS: Seriously, man, you've got to keep up with this time shit.
SS: Health gushers.
SS: I do not care about time travel yeah yeah but seriously?
SS: Health gushers?
SS: I refuse to believe that bullshit.
SS: You will believe in world-ending meteors, resurrected grandparents, crazy blinding light powers, magical golden moons with chess piece queens on them, cute alien chicks, but not that I can create a delicious fruity treat to treat your wounds?
SS: That's exactly what I'm saying.
SS: Wait, that's stupid.
SS: Fuck it.
SS: Give them here.
SS: Here.
SS: Okay, fuck, that tastes like grass and menthol.
SS: It's like a really really bad cough drop.
SS: Well they were grass flavor Gushers.
SS: That obviously explains everything.
SS: Fucking batter witch, getting away with a flavor like grass.
SS: But anyways, we're faced with a dilemma.
SS: Connor is frozen as fuck.
SS: And, as glad as I am to see my best bro in slightly un-broken condition, I came here for him.
SS: What's your plan, then?
SS: I... don't know. I kind of needed him mobile. Everyone needs to hit max level as quickly as possible, because right now we are on a strict schedule.
SS: One that is bearing down on us with the force of a pair of Chess-themed royals in pool-themed overcoats.
SS: I see.
SS: So, listen, as much as I would love to stick around I need to go where I'm needed.
SS: I need to go help the others level up.
SS: If you can, see if you can un-freeze Connor.
SS: Alright, man. I'll be here trying to regain some semblance of my vision and presumably going through the gates again or something.
SS: Fuckin' hell.
SS: I don't even know about Connor.
SS: I'm sorry I can't stay and help you, but I think I know something that can get you going in the right direction.
SS: A little motivation, if you will.
SS: And what's that?
SS: I've been keeping in contact with future me, who met up with Alpha-me a while ago.
SS: And Alpha-me is ahead of you.
SS: Like, by a lot.
SS: I'm...I'm sorry?
SS: He passed you in levels a while back, right?
SS: The gap is widening.
SS: How big.
SS: HOW BIG
SS: Right now, I'd guess... eight levels? Maybe ten?
SS: I WILL NOT HAVE MY LEADERSHIP BE MOCKED SO GREATLY
SS: Next thing you know we'll have people lining up to say he should usurp me!
SS: I probably shouldn't mention what Illire said, in that case...
SS: That scumblooded son of a *****.
SS: Hey, don't blame the troll! Because, this is your fault.
SS: Alpha-Dirk is out there working his ass off, you and you're here sitting on your ass whining about your eyes!
SS: Why are you letting a stupid thing like blindness stop you?!
SS: I'm going to punch you in the face, best bro!
SS: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I hear you were the HERO OF FUCKING LIGHT?
SS: And then I'm going to go out there and FUCK THE ENTIRE DERSITE POPULATION OF THIS LAND UP
SS: Damn right! What the fuck are you doing whining that you can't see the path you're on?! You light your own path, and you blaze down it with the strength of a real man!
SS: I AM A MAN
SS: I AM THE ONLY MAN
SS: I AM THE MAN WHO CAN WIN THE SPACE BITCHES
SS: I AM THE MAN WHO CAN PUNCH BLINDNESS IN THE FACE
SS: I ACCIDENTALLY FROZE A GUY IN SPACE TIME
SS: IMAGINE WHAT I CAN DO IF I TRY
SS: EXACTLY. WHEN MY ALPHA SELF HITS THE GOD TIERS HE IS GONNA BE LOOKING FOR A GOOD DAMN FIGHT.
SS: AND WHEN HE GETS THERE, YOU ARE GONNA BE WAITING FOR HIM AND SAYING "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG", AM I RIGHT?!
SS: DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE RIGHT
SS: I AM THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN GIVE IT TO HIM
SS: I AM CYBORG HALLOWEEN JACK
SS: I AM THE HEIR OF LIGHT
SS: I AM THE LEADER OF THE FUCKING SBURB SLAYERS
SS: THERE IS NOT A FORCE IN THIS WORLD THAT CAN STOP ME
SS: THEN GET OUT THERE AND PROVE IT.
SS: FUCK YEAH I'LL PROVE IT
SS: Well, all right then. I've got to get going, but I'll see you later, Chas. Next time we meet, you'll be ready to ascend.
SS: YEAAAAAAAAAAH
SS: I'M RUNNING THROUGH THE GATE WITH THIS BLOOD ON MY FACE
SS: JUST TO SHOW MY ENEMIES WHAT
SS: THEY ARE ABOUT TO FACE
SS: FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH
-- snickeringSurrogate [SS] ceased pestering sesquipedalianScholar [SS] at 20:47 --

You watch your crazy best friend leap through the nearest gate, and decide you are needed elsewhere.

Where else can you go?

 

[WafflesandBacon]

>Xavier: Feel a disturbance in the Knifekind force
Someone in the fucking Incisphere better not be using a knife, you swear if you find them, you'll show them why your the COURIER OF SLASHES!

 

[Pappytech]

>GM: Return to the forums! Man, did anyone else forget just how little the Doctor Who Christmas specials have to do with Christmas? Dressing a robot up as Santa doesn't really capture the holiday spirit...

Anyway, I'm back. Again. Currently in the process of kicking the ***** down the stairs.

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>Greg: ELWOODSPRITE nods his head. "Yep, this is Rich's place. The name's Elwood Blues, and I blame Rich for this dumb suit. I take it you're one of his friends?"

Spoiler: OOC

May be time for a spritelog.

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>Dirk: Well, if nothing else, Jack admires your moronic audacity.

You need information? Odds are he's got it. Of course, this being Derse, nothing's free. But, prices can be discussed after you tell him what you want.

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>Dirk F-2: An item that falls outside my omniscience? Hmm, this should be interesting.

Wait, no, I figured it out.

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>Future Dirk: Well, let's see here.

Alpha-Dirk is currently the highest level player, and is napping in a deserted area of LORAL.

Chas is second highest, blind, and is going on a rampage on LOSASS.

Greg's in third, and is chatting with ELWOODSPRITE on LOGAF.

Xavier's got fourth highest (Only one level below Greg. So close!), and is somewhere on LOSAC.

Connor is technically fifth, but considering that he's currently frozen in space and time, and that he may, in fact, be dead, we're not going to really count him.

And then Rich brings up the rear, and is kicking a GICLOPS' ass right in front of LOGAF's Third Gate.

Yeah, I think that's everyone.

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>Xavier: In a word: Sweeeeeeeet.

While your KNIFE-SENSES are tingling, you're not exactly sure what's causing it. Someone else might be using a knife, somewhere. It could be magical, I mean scientifical radio-waves interfering with your mind. Or, it could be that big, shadowy, monstery looking thing lurking just under the water right in front of you.

On second thought, it's probably that last one.

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>Rich: Hold on, I'll find something good for that. Uh...

Spoiler: Death of a GICLOPS

Your foe is destroyed, bursting into piles of Grist. The path to the Third Gate is open. You just got one of the greatest pieces of art in the entire Medium, rivaled only by the likes of Highbloods in Winter. Things are going great.

You also level up. Yay!

Level 13 Keanu Imitator! +320,000 Boondollars.

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>Chas: Well, after that rather disturbing acquisition, you have all kinds of adventures while venturing towards the First Village. You probably take out enough Underlings to deserve a level-up.

Level 33 (I think) Bus Boy of Stabs! +25 Boonbucks.

The village seems to be doing fine. Got a bunch of GECKOS running around, doing silly stuff. A few buildings, mostly intact. A recently restocked SHOP.

Yeah. Looks neat.

 

[MetroidNut]

>Rich: Know Kung Fu.

What?

>Rich: YOUTH LEAP into the Third Gate.

Don't stop you now! You're having such a good time - you've having a ball!