What would you have done in my situation?

[SilentCom]

I'm not really sure what I would have done but keep in mind, people can change and often will especially during times in which their life is affected. Being diagnosed with cancer may have caused him to change his perspectives and subsequently how he treats others. He may have been a prick the last time you seen him but have you talked to him since? If he's still a prick, then don't bother trying to help him. If he's a changed person, then it's up to you if you want to give him another shot or leave him to his fate.

 

[Kortney]

It sounds like the guy's a complete dick. Someone similar in my year (who I only ever tried to be nice to) got hit by a car doing 25mph, and I was crucified for shrugging and saying "Maybe it's karma". If he's going to be such a nasty person, what right does he have to your sympathy?

No one is 100% bad.

You have a right not to attend his funeral and not to grieve for him, but you should at least shut your mouth. How would you feel if someone suggested one of your best friends or loved ones was hit by a car because of "karma"?

It's one of those things where you just shut your mouth and go about your day. The last thing people who are worried about him need is fuel to the fire.

 

[Jaded Scribe]

Wow, you're an absolute douche.

Extending kindness to someone who is likely to die is basic human compassion.

I feel shocked at the number of people who agree with you, and would have done the same. It's absolutely disgusting. If you haven't dealt with cancer, you have no idea how much of a fight it really is, so why don't you just let go of "calling cancer patients brave is bullshit" crap.

OP: Ok, so you didn't like the guy and didn't want to go to his fundraiser. Fine. Instead of acting like at least (imo more) of an asshole as he was to you (making me think you probably deserved everything you got), why not just say "No, I'm not going. I have another commitment that night I can't get out of." ?

I had a flu a few days ago, it made me feel REAL brave.

Some cancer patients are incredible when dealing with the news, I know a few myself, one who over came it and another who was quite an incredible person, even while dealing with his cancer, and he ended up dying (I never liked this guy, but he was a decent person with a shitload of potential so it did mean something). It's not fair, but that certainly doesn't make any asshat with the disease 'brave'. You might be right about him making an excuse instead of what he said, but don't pretend that all cancer patients are to be immediately put on a pedestal, it's called a bad hand and some get dealt worse than others.

They are dealing with something most of us can't even comprehend. And for a teenager to go through it, to never have the chance at college, or marriage, or family, or a career. It's terrible. And while they don't need to be put on a pedestal, they are deserving of basic human compassion, of which the OP clearly has none.

Kind of an ironic username, I only noticed it now.

Compassion can be outweighed by many other factors, one of which is hate. The afore-mentioned person meant nothing to me when he died, other than I thought it was a shame that he did. I didn't feel compassion or sympathy (except for maybe his family, especially the sister since... Actually that's straying way off of point) for him, I just felt it was a waste of an incredibly productive life, we never really spoke so his death meant about as much as his life to me. It was just a horrible waste of potential. (I suppose death is different than dying however)

Basic human compassion is reserved for people you care for or are close to, you seem to be preaching compassion for the advanced.

If this guy is an asshole and got cancer, maybe it's a good thing (statistically, of course, which is actually pointless) that he got it instead of someone else that's worth while. (of course that is all a point of opinion, I'm sure he had family and friends as well who'll miss him)

Wow.... really?

No, basic human compassion is not just for people you care about. That's compassion for people you care about.

Basic human compassion is what you feel for other people, based solely on the fact that they are human. It's why we feel compassion for the victims of Katrina and the Japanese earthquakes, for crime victims we see/hear/read on the news.

It is the basic, fundamental ability to feel compassion for your fellow man (which, by the way, not being able to feel is a symptom of sociopathy).

And my god, to say that "better this kid than somebody worthwhile".... WHAT THE FUCK?!?! How callous can you get? 99.99% of teenagers act like jackasses. To say that this kid's only value is to his friends and family, and that he had nothing else to offer society simply because he acted like a fucking teenager is... I can't even find the words. that you could so nonchalantly pass judgment on someone you don't even know, who, from what the OP has said, was at worst a bit of a tool is utterly incomprehensible to me.

Not quite what I said, the family/friends thing was my point that there are people who care for him and to them his life obviously has value. I didn't pass any judgement, I only said, using the OPs description and nothing else, that I have no issue with his not caring about this person.

I love how you bring up sociopaths into this and then spout off that I shouldn't judge, as I can only assume some judgement there on your part. I love plenty of people and I am far more courteous and mannered than most. But no, let's say I'm a sociopath because I disagree with your whole view on 'people love people' as a fact of the world.

I was saying, and this was statistically by the way, that it's better to have some Jackass bite the bullet of getting cancer, rather than someone as compassionate and caring as say you, who would gladly chop his own hands into chopsticks to feed a homeless man. (That's unfair of me to say, but yes, let's assume someone who does genuinely care for people versus the man you assume me to be) I never said I wanted him to get cancer, just that statistically, it's better he get it than someone I would deem better.

Btw, basic compassion is a whole survival thing, stick to those close to you and keep each other alive. Yes, we also have a drive to make friends and bond with one another, but no where was compassion intended for that tribe that massacred yours. (huuuge leap from that into 'guy who called me names in highscool' but in my opinion it still stands, provided that character wasn't a huge part of your life)

PS: Luckily me and OP are teenagers, so it's okay for us to be assholes.

Ok, I apologize then. I misconstrued what you were saying.

In my first post, I said that it's perfectly alright to not like the guy, and even not to go to the fundraiser. But instead of just laughing and saying "Lol, he sucks fuck him." (and honestly coming off as happy this poor kid has cancer), he should have at least been more understanding of how other people felt and just said "Nah, I'm not going. I have other plans."

I've just been shocked at the number of people in this thread with the attitude that people who push through cancer deserve no props for doing so, and that if he's a jackass he more or less deserves what he gets, which is just mind-boggling.

I don't think you have to give all your money away, and I certainly don't create chopsticks out of my hands for homeless people (though I admit, if I have a few extra bucks, and I know I'm going to be in a part of town with a lot of homeless people, I'll get change to give to them). But the fact that people think he somehow deserves this is disturbing. And yes, the inability to empathize with your fellow man is a sign of sociopathy. I'll admit, I tossed it out there as a bit of an insult, but seeing the number of people with the attitude of "fuck people I don't know. I don't care if they die of cancer." was grating on me.

 

[Buck Wilde]

Watch Worlds Greatest Dad, deals with a similar subject. In your situation its a tough call because it is terrible to see someone young diagnosed with cancer but at the same time if he was a douche that doesn't really change it. Honsestly would not know what to do.

 

[Nightvalien]

You did the right thing, if he wants charity there's always the make a wish foundation.

 

[samaugsch]

Right, so, some background information!

Earlier this school year, someone in my year at school was diagnosed with a pretty rare cancer. So he hasn't been in school since the beginning of the year. Now, I'd like to point out that this guy was always a total prick. I mean, I never had a conversation with him that didn't involve him being an utter asshat towards me for no reason. I'd also like to point out that a lot of other people never used to like him either.

So, there's a charity event on this weekend, and upon being asked if I was going to go, I replied with a very firm no, by which I said "Haha, not a chance."

So, why won't I support my year mate, I was asked, as "HE'S SO BRAVE TO FIGHT THROUGH THIS!"... Apparently.

I won't support him because he's the most arrogant tool I've ever talked to in my life, and apparently everyone else in my year totally forgot this when he got diagnosed. Really? I mean, it's like when Michael Jackson died, I seemed to be the only person I know who actually remembered the fact that he was a bad person (y'know, the whole, holding his child over the railings of a balcony quite high up, and the sleeping with children [I never implied he had sex with them, shut up before you flame me]).

So, yeah, question's simple, what would you have done?

I'd say something sarcastic like, "With a little luck, he won't be able to make it." just to see the shocked looks on everyone's faces. Even if he was a decent person, I probably wouldn't go because I wouldn't consider it to be worth my time, especially if I never got to know him.

 

[Vykrel]

i would have said no as well. i wouldnt have laughed though, because people dont understand why you would do that. but ya, if he was a douchebag the entire time, screw him. if he ends up beating it, thats good for him, but no charities would come from me either.

 

[Jaded Scribe]

And yes, the inability to empathize with your fellow man is a sign of sociopathy.

Not really commenting on your discussion, but really gets to me when people parade around with facts like they they are some sort of authority.

I think the phrase you looking for is "it can in some case specific case's be a sign of" unless your going to claim every soldier that has ever killed someone and been allright about it was a psychopath.

I've watched like a 2 episode 1hr documentarys on compassion and empathy, and I obviously know more about this than you . . . the way the documentary said to think about compassion is you have around 100 slots in your brain to which you store specific memory's 1 for each person and gain a general love and understanding and compassion towards them. This group is your close friends family, maybe close work colleagues. You are designed to care about these people.

Outside of that group on a core level, you are designed to not give a shit. If you grow up in a society where nobody tells you other wise, you will not care one bit about anyone out side that group, if you are not ever given the concept of morals or any beliefs/experiances that say you should. ie ever wonder why everybody used to be all right with slavery? ever wonder why everyone used to not give a crap about people being butchered for entertainment in gladiator fights. (there are exceptions)

This other kind of compassion stems from your morals your beliefs, and generally just how empathic you are as a person. what gains your respect. how much you can relate to people different from you. ect ect u get the picture experience can also change how empathetic u are, also another reason they believe many youths can find it hard to be empathetic.

there is nothing automaticly wrong with you just because you are less empathetic or caring, at all out side of that "close group", i'm not sure what it means if you care about no one, i would assume you either have no one to care about to go in your "close" group or there is something wrong.

They were also testing peoples ability to empathise by asking questions gauging the answers and comparing to brain scans during the test. they found fairly conclusively that most people are half as empathetic as they think they are if they believe they are quite empathetic.

Its a bbc doc, look it up easy enough, might learn something, then maybe these stupid sweeping statements can go, and we can have some informed discussion.

information most people throw around on here is about as reliable as wikipedia . . . .

2 whole hours of documentaries? You must be an expert. I bow to your dizzying superiority that clearly trumps the courses I've taken in psychology and philosophy. /sarcasm

In my last post, I said that I tossed it out more as an insult than a real observation because the callous behavior of the people on this thread is dizzying, and more than a little sickening.

And, point of fact son, the inability to empathize with other people is one of the signs they look for in a sociopath.

One of. Not the only. It alone is not a true indicator. Obviously it has to be matched with a number of other criterion. Everyone knows that.

But clearly, your documentaries are the be-all, end-all on the subject, so I'm walking away.

Edit: Just wanted to add, the BBC doesn't always air documentaries on topics they buy into. Trust me, I know several (aspiring) filmmakers (husband attends film school). It's not terribly hard to get a documentary aired if you're not a complete dipshit about it and have respectable production quality.

 

[Soviet Steve]

In this case you reap what you sow. It is unfortunate that he got this disease but he isn't brave for having it.

 

[lady man lady]

It was more the way you replied, I think.

If you had said something along the lines of "No because of *Insert reason here*, but I wish him well.", instead of going "Haha, not a chance.", you probably wouldn't have received the response you've gotten.

Agreed. You can hate a dying tool, but don't be a tool.

 

[Callate]

I'm in sort of a similar situation with my father-in-law.

I'd never met the man until fairly recently. He was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and- Surprise!- Suddenly felt a more urgent need to be involved in the lives of his kids and their spouses, and meet his grandchildren.

I'd heard bad things about him, but I'd kind of thought, "Well, you know... Bad divorce, familial estrangement... Maybe I'm only hearing the worst of him, maybe he's a better guy than he's been made out to be, I should give him a chance."

...Yeah. Unfortunately, it doesn't take too long for me to come up with my own bad opinion of the guy. He's manipulative, physically coercive, and the kind of person who counts on others' unwillingness to break the rules of courteous behavior to allow him to get away with his own bad behavior. I know what my duty is, viz. this jerk, and it's to keep him away from my wife and daughter as much as it is reasonably possible.

For your own conscience, it might be worth your while to see if this guy's experience has, in fact, changed his behavior. But I tend to agree that you don't owe it to him or anyone else, and certainly don't owe money out of your own pocket to tend to his illness. I would only caution to phrase this in a way that doesn't seem disparaging of those who do feel a desire to help him out.

People get sick every day. People die every day. Many of them without notice, in diabolically unfair circumstances. Such people deserve our sympathies more than those we know have actively made others' lives worse, if only because our own lives are too short to waste honest sentiment or attempt to conjure false sentiment for the undeserving.

 

[Cazza]

Being a jerk don't mean you should die. Still I would decline. Because they are a jerk to me they shouldn't count on me helping them.

 

[Rottweiler]

He should remember- the way you act to others is how they end up acting to you. So, treat him no different.

 

[Tanis]

Nicer than me.

I had a bully, who happened to be some kind of big sports player, at my school who died because he was DWI.

I was asked, by the school newspaper, if I would be going to the funeral and my response was pretty harsh.

It was pretty much 'why the FUCK would I go to a funereal of a guy who enjoyed bullying anyone not wearing 100 dollar shoes & 50 dollar polo, treated women like property and then drove into a phone pole while high and drunk?
He was never my friend, and more often than not a prick to me.
I feel sorry for his family but the guy had it coming.'


It got printed in the school newspaper, I should know, I helped publish it.
XD

 

[FileDeleted]

May or may not have said something I would regret shrug my shoulders and moved on then slipped in a dollar just get them to leave me alone. Life's too short to worry about someone you aren't fond of.

 

[FileDeleted]

Damn double post

 

[Paksenarrion]

I think you should go and visit him.

Torture him in his last days under the guise of well-wishing.

You can't physically hit him when he's down, but give him enough rope...

Tape record your conversations with him. If he's still a tool, he'll give you enough evidence to prove that he's still himself.

Then play it during his fundraiser.

Definitely this. If he ends up apologizing to you then you can post it on the escapist for all of us go "Aww..." and you can join everyone else in the charity event.
Win-win

However, if his last words to you are "Rosebud...", you know what to do.

 

[Princess_Dee]

Think about somebody other than yourself for a change. What would your mother say if she saw you react like that? How do you think his parents would feel if they knew a peer laughed at their dying child?

Have a chemotherapy treatment. See how it feels to be sick every single day for three months straight(if you're LUCKY). Then tell me you wouldn't put aside your prissy, petty little ***** attitude to help someone that really needs support.

You sound like a truly loathsome person. I hope you come to a better understanding of this situation.