What's the weirdest thing you've ever heard someone say IRL?

[The Funslinger]

Spoken by a guy:
"If I were pregnant, I'd give birth to a beautiful baby."

That was a weird day...

To paraphrase Andy Parsons: "You'd also blow your cock off."

One very stupid moment from him, though:

"you know, because if you think there's something wrong with your kidneys..." *thumps chest*

Hugh Dennis: "Andy, I'd be more than happy to take your medical opinion at face level, had you not just gone *thumps chest* while talking about kidneys..."

 

[The Funslinger]

"your religion is determined by you genetics! It is proven by science!" What? FUCKIN WHAT?
"If the AC i broken it still works and makes the air colder!" Professor! AC! Broke!
"This Vodka is 40% is that the bottle or a shot?" Yes?

Professor! Lava! Hot!

OT: Somebody I knew thought that the battle of the Somme was fought in the cold war. That seems pretty damn stupid on several levels to me.

My great grandfather whom I was named for fought in the battle of the Somme. Survived both World Wars and lived until my mum was 20. No PTSD or depression (though he didn't like talking about his experiences) and apparently was utterly witty until the day he died. Like a boss!

 

[The Funslinger]

*I don't understand how "spare the rod and spoil the child" is a phrase used in support of spanking when it really doesn't sound like it, to me at least.

It means if you don't beat them with a stick, you're being too lenient.

I speak old man.

I know a guy who isn't exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, and in one history lesson we were learning about the Nazi regime in one German town. Suddenly he pointed to a black and white photograph of some citizens of the town and went "Look! It's a woman-child!"
He was pointing at a little girl.

Are you sure he didn't just speak flawed english?

 

[Rancid0ffspring]

Every day at work.

Me: OK Mr Derpington, I can help you with your account. Can you confirm your date of birth?
Mr Derpington: I don't know my date of birth.
Me: You do't know when you were born?

 

[King Kupofried]

I will never forget the weirdest thing someone ever said to me. It was in Highschool, the school had a 'Gay-Straight Alliance' (essentially a homosexuality support club) which I occasionally attended. Many of the people in there were very genuine, concerning people. Some.. a bit overly enthusiastic about their support. There were a couple members who seemed to become so invested in the 'Homosexuality is normal' message that they started to twist it a bit. To the point where, from them, it was less 'Homosexuality is normal' and more 'Being Straight is weird.'

This came to a point, where while speaking to one of them, they would tell me the most mind-boggling thing I have ever heard.

"Homosexuality is more natural than heterosexuality. Studies show that the average woman's vagina goes several inches deeper than the average man's penis is long. This shows that they are not naturally suited for eachother."

 

[MetalDooley]

At a pub quiz last week.One of the rounds was a sheet with pictures of 10 famous real-life people and you had to name them.One of the pictures was Edward Smith who was captain of the Titanic.Overheard a guy at the table next to me saying "That's Captain Birdseye right?"

 

[Blondefool]

A friend told me about something he had seen on facebook.

Basically, a girl asked 'If I add music to my iPod, would it get heavier?'

She was not a child. My face had the print of my hand on it for weeks

That's because you don't have the right sense of humour. Your friend should have said yes.

OT:

My girlfriend at the time I was about to have sex with her asked me:
Did you get permission from the mothership?

He did and explained that each megabite added 1 gram to the iPod. Besides, I never said I didn't laugh but this girl is allowed to drive vehicles.

 

[soren7550]

This was last summer, and me, the boyfriend, and some of his friends just seen a movie (I want to say that it was Captain America). They were coming up with... a game I want to say? I don't really know what brought it up or why, but they came up with things such as "If I find an empty pool in the tri state area, and call you to tell you about it, you have to get there in three days, otherwise you have to watch Waterworld twice in a row without bathroom breaks." and "If I find a guy named (I don't remember what the dude had to be named), in a garbage can, with a doberman, then you have to wear clown pants filled with Jello for a week."

These kids the boyfriend hangs out with.

 

[Da Orky Man]

A friend told me about something he had seen on facebook.

Basically, a girl asked 'If I add music to my iPod, would it get heavier?'

She was not a child. My face had the print of my hand on it for weeks

That's because you don't have the right sense of humour. Your friend should have said yes.

OT:

My girlfriend at the time I was about to have sex with her asked me:
Did you get permission from the mothership?

He did and explained that each megabite added 1 gram to the iPod. Besides, I never said I didn't laugh but this girl is allowed to drive vehicles.

Did she also realise that this would make the average DVD weigh just under 10 kilos? And possibly able to effectively weight-lift with Rage?

 

[Bloodtrozorx]

"I don't care if her back door is flapping in the god damn breeze you are gonna enjoy it god damn you!" shouted at me from across the bar. I still don't know who "Her" is.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

So many stupid customers from working as a cashier.

Customer hands me unsigned credit card.
Me: Sorry but I can't accept this.
Customer: Yes you can!
Me: No I'm not allowed to. It is against the rules. I could get into trouble if I accepted that.
Customer: You will accept my unsigned credit card or I will scream!
Me thinking to myself: LOLOLOLOL!

The best part of this situation came after the manager had finally convinced the customer to use a different payment method. The manager leaves and there is only one other customer left in line because the others had gone to different lines from waiting so long.
The customer with the unsigned credit card leaves but forgets the bag with all of her steak in it. I go to pick it up and run after her but then the next customer in line (who stood there and watched this whole ordeal) said: "I won't tell if you don't."
I did not tell.

Another idiot customer.

I set a big bag of potatoes on the till and then but the back of bananas on top of it.
Customer: Hey what are you doing? Don't but the bananas on the potatoes!
Me: Why....?
Customer: They'll get squished!
Me: I don't think the bananas way enough to squish potatoes....
Customer: No! The bananas will get squished not the potatoes!
Me: But gravity...

Oh man... Dude I do that job too. It's fucked up how stupid people can be.

The thing that annoys me the most about is that people say the same things over and over to you, and each time they have a little smile on their face like they're sssooooo fucking clever and orignal.

"Oh these machines, they're different in every store!"
"Oh you look bored!"

Seriously, it's to the point that I've written a damn drinking game that I honestly intend to play at some point.

 

[VonKlaw]

"What are those people waiting at the bus stop for?"

I won't say who said it but seriously, I almost pissed myself laughing at the time.

 

[V8 Ninja]

A few years ago, I heard my teacher say this in a history class:

"Do they wear sexy mini-skirts?"

Keep in mind, the context isn't nearly bad as some might think it is; my teacher was trying to help a student on one of her papers, and that paper was specifically about Japanese anime and manga culture. My teacher generally framed help as questions, and this was the result.

 

[Right Hook]

Not sure about weirdest (probably any random conversation between my friends and I) but the saddest thing I've ever heard someone say to another person would have to be:

"What?! You actually planned on having your kid?!?!"

The concept of naturally wanting a kid and it not being a mistake was completely foreign to her as if there was no possible that other people weren't huge fuck-ups like this girl clearly was.

 

[RedDeadFred]

So many stupid customers from working as a cashier.

Customer hands me unsigned credit card.
Me: Sorry but I can't accept this.
Customer: Yes you can!
Me: No I'm not allowed to. It is against the rules. I could get into trouble if I accepted that.
Customer: You will accept my unsigned credit card or I will scream!
Me thinking to myself: LOLOLOLOL!

The best part of this situation came after the manager had finally convinced the customer to use a different payment method. The manager leaves and there is only one other customer left in line because the others had gone to different lines from waiting so long.
The customer with the unsigned credit card leaves but forgets the bag with all of her steak in it. I go to pick it up and run after her but then the next customer in line (who stood there and watched this whole ordeal) said: "I won't tell if you don't."
I did not tell.

Another idiot customer.

I set a big bag of potatoes on the till and then but the back of bananas on top of it.
Customer: Hey what are you doing? Don't but the bananas on the potatoes!
Me: Why....?
Customer: They'll get squished!
Me: I don't think the bananas way enough to squish potatoes....
Customer: No! The bananas will get squished not the potatoes!
Me: But gravity...

Oh man... Dude I do that job too. It's fucked up how stupid people can be.

The thing that annoys me the most about is that people say the same things over and over to you, and each time they have a little smile on their face like they're sssooooo fucking clever and orignal.

"Oh these machines, they're different in every store!"
"Oh you look bored!"

Seriously, it's to the point that I've written a damn drinking game that I honestly intend to play at some point.

I know exactly what you mean! The worst one for me is when I ask if they found everything alright and they say: "I think I found too much." They always laugh at their own joke and then I give a fake smile.
I swear about a quarter of customers say this...

 

[Nimzabaat]

From co-workers:
"Debatable world isn't it?" (Now If I say yes it isn't, if I say no it is...)
"You can only tell the truth when you're not exposed. I'm a masturbator" (I thought that was funny, other people think I should have written him up for harrassment)
"I don't know what you mean by opposite." (he actually didn't know what opposite meant)

From customers:
"Well you don't have what I want in stock so i'm never coming back here. Can I get a rain check?"

Customer: "I have a stupid question"
Me: "I'm sure it's not a stupid question"
Customer: "Is this a store?"
Me: "I'd like to retract my previous statement"

From friends:
"So were there Christians before Jesus?"
"Does the sun ever get between the moon and Earth?"
"What's a shelf?" (granted she was hot)

I can't think of any more right now but...

http://notalwaysright.com/

 

[Blondefool]

She did not

A friend told me about something he had seen on facebook.

Basically, a girl asked 'If I add music to my iPod, would it get heavier?'

She was not a child. My face had the print of my hand on it for weeks

That's because you don't have the right sense of humour. Your friend should have said yes.

OT:

My girlfriend at the time I was about to have sex with her asked me:
Did you get permission from the mothership?

He did and explained that each megabite added 1 gram to the iPod. Besides, I never said I didn't laugh but this girl is allowed to drive vehicles.

Did she also realise that this would make the average DVD weigh just under 10 kilos? And possibly able to effectively weight-lift with Rage?

She did not no. Hence why I am worried about her being allowed to drive. My hard drive would have went through the floor by now

 

[Don Savik]

"Haha, is that from a movie/tv show/etc?" anyone in the vicinity of my humor.

YES ITS FROM A MOVIE. BECAUSE ONLY MOVIES ARE CAPABLE OF PRODUCING HUMOR AND ALL OF US ARE BRAIN DEAD SHEEP WHO REGURGITATE QUOTES. THIS IS MY LOUD SARCASM VOICE.

Seriously, every. single. time. I mean, my humor is usually just cynical observations or silly puns, but are people just so unoriginal that they can't think of stuff off the top of their head? The idea of not quoting something funny from a movie is so foreign to them it doesn't even cross their mind!

:l I did not have fun in highschool.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

So many stupid customers from working as a cashier.

Customer hands me unsigned credit card.
Me: Sorry but I can't accept this.
Customer: Yes you can!
Me: No I'm not allowed to. It is against the rules. I could get into trouble if I accepted that.
Customer: You will accept my unsigned credit card or I will scream!
Me thinking to myself: LOLOLOLOL!

The best part of this situation came after the manager had finally convinced the customer to use a different payment method. The manager leaves and there is only one other customer left in line because the others had gone to different lines from waiting so long.
The customer with the unsigned credit card leaves but forgets the bag with all of her steak in it. I go to pick it up and run after her but then the next customer in line (who stood there and watched this whole ordeal) said: "I won't tell if you don't."
I did not tell.

Another idiot customer.

I set a big bag of potatoes on the till and then but the back of bananas on top of it.
Customer: Hey what are you doing? Don't but the bananas on the potatoes!
Me: Why....?
Customer: They'll get squished!
Me: I don't think the bananas way enough to squish potatoes....
Customer: No! The bananas will get squished not the potatoes!
Me: But gravity...

Oh man... Dude I do that job too. It's fucked up how stupid people can be.

The thing that annoys me the most about is that people say the same things over and over to you, and each time they have a little smile on their face like they're sssooooo fucking clever and orignal.

"Oh these machines, they're different in every store!"
"Oh you look bored!"

Seriously, it's to the point that I've written a damn drinking game that I honestly intend to play at some point.

I know exactly what you mean! The worst one for me is when I ask if they found everything alright and they say: "I think I found too much." They always laugh at their own joke and then I give a fake smile.
I swear about a quarter of customers say this...

"Is the amount okay? No it's not" they say to the EBT machine.

You are far more giving then I am. I go out of my way to not engage the costumers at all, keeping my words to simple yes's or no's. It's the worst when I get that overly friendly customer that insists on trying to have a conversation with me.